What's next

So here's where things stand. My miscarriage started on Tuesday evening. I was bleeding heavily for about 24 hours and it slowed down over the weekend. By the time I went to get my hcg rechecked on Monday, I hadn't been on PIO for five days and the bleeding restarted heavily again getting rid of all that fluffy lining that was prepped for the pregnancy. My hcg measured 57. I started having really uncomfortable cramps in addition to the heavy flow. I tried tylenol but it did nothing. I had a hard time walking and even sitting at my desk was a challenge. Ibuprofen helped. It was really bad for two days before it started getting better. I think it's slowing down but it's still bright red with clots. I now understand that my period won't come for at least 4 weeks after my hcg is measured in the negative numbers. So it's going to be a while before we start anything again.

So.... what's next.

We met with our new doctor today. It was an ordeal getting there, thanks to the latest nor'easter.  I wasn't cancelling. If the doc was in we were going to make it. It was scary at parts because the snow was heavy and slushy, making the drive awful, but we got there and home with little incident, thanks to their office calling and offering an earlier appointment that opened so we got in and out before the streets became impassable.

Besides for waiting for my period, we have a long To Do list before we start another IVF:

• Start vitamins. She suggested fish oil for both of us. In addition, vitamin D3 and something else specific for me to improve egg quality (nothing shows we're getting poor quality eggs, but because it's going to be a while before we start anyway it can't hurt). 
• Schedule husband for testing by a urologist specializing in male infertility. He was tested for the regular stuff back when we first started and it all came back normal but she wants something specialized besides for the standard stuff. It's the first time a test was suggested for him instead of me; we're pro. We're on the calendar for first available appointment: May. 
• See a specialist for recurrent early loss. We're on the calendar for first available appointment: October. 
• Send records of pap spear and breast exam. Regular stuff they want to make sure I'm not ignoring. 
• See if I can get embryo reports from my old clinic. Nothing was mentioned in my medical file, which I think is weird. I emailed my old doc for info. 
• Infectious disease bloodwork needs to be repeated every six months. 
• Besides for the medical stuff, I need to get authorized by insurance which needs a period start date to verify, and I need to register with my insurance fertility hotline. 

Some of this is because we're switching clinics and we're starting everything from scratch. It's an ordeal and part of the reason we hesitated switching as long as we did. But we're at the point where all in.

I can't imagine we'll get to an IVF before summer. I guess I'm ok with that because I don't want to keep cranking them out with no results. We left today's appointment feeling drained and hopeful at the same time. There are new things to test; there are new things to try; there are specialists we can see and ask questions and possibly get to the bottom of why our transfers keep failing. At the same time it's so frustrating that these ideas weren't brought up before. Maybe it's because this new doctor knows that the traditional stuff doesn't work so she has the benefit of skipping it all and going to worst case scenario. But I can't help feeling angry at our old doc for just phoning it in and not caring enough about our losses to think of ideas of things to try. Whether or not it's true, it felt like he couldn't give less of a shit about whether we succeeded or not. While I had my reasons for not switching earlier, I'm upset that we spent as much time as we did under his care. If we'd succeeded it wouldn't have mattered that he wasn't a good fit for us. But we didn't and he lost a client. 

Emotionally I guess I'm doing ok. I used the snow day to start cleaning for pesach. It's going to take a while before I feel like myself again. For one I need to stop bleeding so that I don't get a reminder of what happened every time I go to the bathroom. At least the crying has stopped. I get misty when I talk about what happened but for the most part I can keep my composure for a full 12+ hours at a time. New personal record since it happened. It's been really rough but we're getting through it one day at a time. Sometimes it's one hour at a time. When it was really bad we were checking in on each other every few minutes. Time still passes. Life goes on around us and when we're up to it we join in. I'm trying not to fall into a depression. I know it's not entirely up to me but I'm holding on to whatever control I have over it.

I know we'll carry this one for a while. Every time we transfer the results are a little better than the last time but then the loss is so much worse than the time before. It's so difficult to pick up and dust off and start again every time. It's difficult but not impossible. I have to stop comparing myself to other people my age and see what they have. I have to stop thinking of the what if's if we had made different choices. I have to stop thinking about the losses that didn't make it and what would have been if they had. The past is the past. I can't change it. I can only make choices and decisions on things that haven't yet happened: that's what I need to focus on. One day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to, as long as we're moving forward and not stuck in the past.

Thank you for the emails, fb msgs, and texts. It means so much to know that we're not alone in our sadness and pain. Whatever messages were sent were greatly appreciated. Every time we shared the story with someone else it felt like another set of shoulders carrying the burden with us.