FET 4: 11dp6dt

Well, here we are.

It's the night before beta. Still officially pupo. Last night of the unknown for FET 4. I'm proud to say that I've stuck to the no-testing pledge. Not a single HPT peed on in the past two weeks.

I've had cramps on and off the past few days. They've gotten less frequent and more intense. I feel it more when I stand up from after sitting a while. I think the cramps are from the PIO, regardless of whether something stuck or not. Otherwise no symptoms that I can tell.

My cold is almost all gone, thankfully.

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I spent some time today doing research for my interview, but I'm not nervous for it. If they like me for me then I'm the right fit for the job. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be. I want to do well, but I'm not freaking out about it.

I'm nervous about it being a top-heavy day, with everything crammed in the morning. I need to wake up earlier than usual so that I have a chance to beat traffic on the way to the clinic and get there in time. If at all possible I want to avoid getting stuck in the queue waiting for bloodwork. It's the shortest and most significant part of my day. There's nothing I can do about the results and it's the thing I'm most nervous about. From there I have to get through traffic to my interview. At some point I have to remember to call in sick from work.

I was randomly googling thoughts and came across this poem which captures a lot of the same things I'm feeling.

I'm ready for some good news!

FET 4: 6dp6dt

Day 6 post transfer
Day 2 of monster cold

In short, a few exciting things:

• Did a glass blowing workshop today. I made a wavy bowl. It needs to cool off slowly because it might crack if cooled too quickly so I'll pick it up in a few days. So fun.
• Have an interview scheduled for Monday morning!
• Not feeling preg. I know it's early for symptoms. I also know it's possible that being congested is masking symptoms, however minor. 
• Haven't tested yet.

Beta and interview are same day, back to back. I'll have to take the morning off for the interview, and it will likely be close to 11 am by the time I get in to the office. By then it will be almost time to get beta results. Last time I got not great news I left the office at lunch with a "migraine" and didn't come back. If the news is good, I have no issue going in to the office. If it's not good news, I'll want to be home. So I'm considering taking off the whole day. 

I have the time and my supervisor wouldn't give me any issues. I don't know why I'm so opposed to taking time off. I'm always trying to save it, but this is exactly the kind of thing it's being saved for. I can always take off and then figure it out at the time.

FET 4: 5dp6dt

Today in a word: miserable.

My back pain is gone. In its place is a monster cold. I caught a cold and it's making me miserable. Stuffed nose, clogged ears, intense sinus pressure, and sore throat. I know I can take Tylenol so I will probably take some so I can sleep. I know that if my husband had this cold I'd tell him to stop being a big baby and that "it's just a cold." But goshdarnit, I can't focus on anything with this leaky mess. At some point during the day my tissues became sandpaper on my nose. I left work an hour early - I just couldn't anymore.

Speaking of work, someone made my Monday extra special by messing up one of my spreadsheets. In trying to sort the sheet by alpha order, this coworker sorted only one column, leaving all the other columns unsorted. This wouldn't be a big deal if the coworker didn't then save the spreadsheet before undoing this error. FFFFFFF. Not only was it a big deal eff-up, but I didn't have access to my backup. I asked IT if they can recover the old version of the spreadsheet. They could, but only from last night so all the work I had done this morning would be lost. We figured it out - basically had to recreate the whole thing. I stayed calm and worked through it. But seriously, if you're not sure how to use Excel, you can ask. At the very least, Google it! And for the love of Oprah, don't save something once you're messed up.

In pupo news, I haven't tested yet. I don't think I fully thought this through because it gets harder, not easier, not to test every day. Every day it's a challenge. By day 5 last cycle I already saw a clear, albeit faint, line. Tomorrow morning will be 6 and I know that if something took it would show up. But I'm really trying not to test. I tested last time and what good did it do? My mood for the day entirely depended on the results and it was a daily roller coaster. In the end what good did it do - nothing. It just raised our hopes so much only to be crushed later. I want to avoid it if possible. If I test tomorrow and it's blank, I'll be devastated but still hopeful that the next day will be different. I'll try to rationalize it and figure out when is too early. I can't do that to myself daily. In another week we will know for sure.

Technically I'm supposed to go in on Tuesday for the beta, but because of the holiday they moved it up a day. They like to limit the number of people who come in on holidays and weekends whenever possible. They scheduled it in a way that if I have to come back two days later for a second beta, it wouldn't be on the holiday itself. Works for me - one less day to wait. 

HPTs

I haven't decided whether I will take home pregnancy tests this time. I remember what a roller coaster ride it was every other transfer.

I didn't keep as meticulous records of the first FET 2ww, but I remember it being negative pretty early on and not ever changing. It was obvious it didn't work. 

The second FET was right after a retrieval and when I tested it came out positive several times, but I think that was because I still had residual HCG in my system from the trigger shot. It's possible it was another chemical, because I remember calculating the days past the trigger shot being 17 days later and still showing a faint positive. According to Google, HCG only lasts in your system up to 14 days so I took it as a sign of working. However, beta came back at less than 1 so it clearly didn't work.

Then there was FET 3 where I started testing almost immediately. I think day 3 or 4. At first it was such a stark white it almost seemed like a negative white, if that's even a thing. But then the next day there was a faint line that you had to squint and then cross your eyes and hold it up to the light just so to see, but it was there. Then it got slightly darker every day after that, and I knew. I knew that something stuck. I knew it worked! But then around day 11 or 12 the line stopped getting darker. I shook it off saying that it was probably just diluted pee, or not FMU, or something else. I was in denial and not ready to accept the bad news. It was close enough to the beta that I was ok just waiting for the bloodwork instead of continuously testing. Sure enough beta came back positive, but low. The clinic likes to see above 100 as the first number but considers anything above a 50 to be positive; mine was just above 60. We tried to hold on to hope but by the second beta two days later it was over. It's still hard for me to go back to those posts. It hurts to relive those days. Hard to believe it was just this past summer.

So I'm hesitating about testing this time. I don't want to deal with it either way. How do you not test for two whole weeks?? Are there really women who hold out for the beta? At one point I was thinking of testing in the morning before the transfer just as a baseline. Is that obsessive? I'd say so. But what's the alternative? Not testing? Not thinking about it? Not knowing?? I don't know if I can do that. What's my motivation for not testing?

The clinic strongly advises not to test because of the chance of false positives or false negatives. But really, what difference does it make to them. They talk a big game but they're not the ones going through it - they have no idea what the stress is for someone to not know if their dreams are about to come true or if their world is about to crash in on them. 

It's a very fine line between utter joy and complete devastation. That line is pink and lives right next to the control line on a pee stick!

In other news, happy voting day! Regardless of who becomes our next president, American wins when this election is over.

4w2d

I'm so bummed. I know it's not over til it's over, but things feel different.

For one, the cramping stopped. It's been a constant buddy since transfer day and this morning I just didn't feel it anymore.  For another, I took a HPT with fmu and the line barely showed up. I cried most of yesterday evening after reading what it takes for such a low beta to result in a healthy progressing pregnancy. It wasn't hysterical sobbing, just a quiet mourning and sadness of what's possibly to come.

I told my husband that we should have shared the news with parents while it was still relevant and we were excited, instead of just sharing a chem preg / miscarriage. He said that we can tell them tonight, before Thursday's bloodwork, and that it may still be ok. I feel like at this point we shouldn't get their hopes up only to possibly crush them tomorrow. Then again, the support and prayers would be appreciated so I might take him up on the offer.

Whenever I starting thinking about cutsie ways to announce the pregnancy I stopped short, not letting my train of thought run wild. I didn't calculate a due date. I didn't figure out with a calendar when each trimester would be done. I didn't come up with a list of friends I want to personally notify. I didn't think about a way to let my supervisor and her boss know. I didn't devise a cute plan of how to tell my coworkers. I put everything on the back burner - first I wanted to see a heartbeat.

I know there's technically still hope but none of the signs point to a good outcome from this and I'm so guarded about holding on to false hope. Even if tomorrow's bloodwork comes out shitty they still want to see me again on Monday to follow the progression, if any.  So we might not get a definitive answer tomorrow, but hopefully we'll know more. 

:'(

Upcoming 2WW

My 2WW officially start as soon as the transfer is complete and I assume I won't be able to resist taking HPTs. Therefore, I decided to take one the morning of transfer day as a control.

Insane, some may say. Brilliant, says I!

During FET 2, I got fooled by the HCG trigger shot and mistook the second line as a positive pregnancy. I was taking daily HPTs and instead of getting darker the line was getting more faint as the days drew closer to the beta test. I chalked it up to having diluted pee or time of day, but in my heart I knew it didn't work and the pee sticks were lying to me about the second line.

Only after it was confirmed by the negative beta that it didn't work did I Google and realize my mistake. I'm not taking any chances this time! I'm getting a control line in the bank before we do anything so that I have something to compare it to.

I'm hoping I can hold out until after 6dpt to take any additional tests but I make no promises. In fact, if I want to believe this is going to work I'd want to know how soon I can get a positive so that I'll know for next baby! I'm giddy with excitement. Or it might be the hormones - the roller coasters are unpredictable.

Even though I'm going to give in to the HPTs, I need to rein in the crazy and take maximum one per day. One every other day is more reasonable. I will have to play it by ear and see how intense I'm feeling. The problem is that if it comes back positive then I'll be overjoyed and excited. But if it comes out negative, it's a soul crushing blow that makes it hard to remain positive and calm about how it may still be too early and there's still a chance it might work. For that alone I may be convinced not to take any HPTs. It's one thing to take that blow on beta day. It's another thing to take it daily and feel the disappointment time and again.

I've lined up fun things to do during my 2WW, including TV, movies, painting, adult coloring books, puzzles, working out DVDs, company/friends, and several new recipes I'd like to try. We also have a pottery class I'm excited to go to. I reserve the right to ignore the majority of these things and end up ranting obsessively on my blog instead - also a fun activity!

FET tips and tricks

I've been scouring the internet trying to research things that have worked for other people have successful FETs. Tips and tricks range from old wives tales to doing nothing different at all. There's no magic bullet.

Here's what I found so far:
- Eat pineapple core. On transfer day, days following transfer day, sometimes for all transfer week.
- Eat Brazilian nuts
- Drink pomegranate juice
- Eat green leafy veg and lots of protein
- Get acupuncture starting 3 months before transfer, with sessions on day of transfer before and after
- Bedrest after transfer, take time off
- Stay active after transfer with light walks, no need for bedrest
- Comedy after transfer
- Keep feet warm after transfer
- Eat warm foods, cooked foods after transfer

- Transfer more than one blast

- Test embryos with PGD testing

Some links:
Embryo Transfer: 10 Essential Tips for Success
Implantation after IVF: 10 Crucial Tips
7 Ways to Prepare for Transfer at Home
5 Steps to prepare for a Frozen Embryo Transfer

The bottom line is that if any of this stuff was necessary, it would be required by my clinic. I am happy to try different things within reason but these lists of preparations border on superstition/obsession. I get that people want to have the best chance possible, but I'm not sure these tricks are what tip the odds. Even so, I'm willing to try some of them. I'm still not sold on acupuncture even though so many places recommend it.  It's not readily offered here and it's more stressful to try and find a licensed therapist to do it so I'll skip it this time.  As of now, here's my plan.

In the weeks leading up to transfer and thereafter:

- Continue with the meds prescribed by the clinic: del estrogen and progesterone. This one seems obvious but it is the only part of the protocol actually required by the clinic and is the most significant of the FET protocol.

- Continue with prenatal vitamin daily. Add separate Vitamin D as suggested by clinic.

- Continue with healthy eating of a balanced diet with high protein and minimum processed food.

- Continue with exercise routine. Add strength training twice a week.


For week of transfer:

- Schedule a massage for day before transfer

- Plan to take the day off work for transfer day. Take it easy the rest of the week, but no need to stay home.

- Plan for some good movies/TV and reading material for transfer day. Always happy for a reason to watch my favorite comics.

- Make big pots of chicken soup and beef broth to keep hydrated before and after transfer day and for the following days after.

- Add pineapple core, pom juice, avocado, and Brazilian nuts to my morning smoothies. I'm drinking them anyway so can't hurt to add a few more ingredients.

- Keep feet warm after transfer. I already have this down - I bought fuzzy slippers back in February when I thought we'd have an April transfer.

- Get the house professionally cleaned week of transfer.

- Stay calm and relaxed throughout the two week wait. Easier said than done. I originally planned to not do any HPTs but even I know that's not a realistic goal to set. Logically I know that testing or not testing won't change anything that's actually happening in there, but I'll have to make a game time decision when it's actually relevant.

I rarely drink wine or coffee so cutting those won't be an issue. I'll have to remember to stop eating deli and sushi starting that week. I did a quick Google search about other foods to avoid during pregnancy and it doesn't look like any of those foods are generally in my regular diet (soft cheeses, sea food, raw egg products).

Will any of this make a difference? I'm not convinced either way, but I'm not adverse to putting in the effort and giving it a try. I'll focus on keeping calm and stress free, and getting through the 2ww with as little anxiety as I can manage. I've starting to accept that it won't work and we'll have to do this again in a few weeks, so it's negative thoughts like that which I need to keep out of my mind. 

Having only a handful of appointments is a big plus.  There's the baseline, halfway check, actual transfer, and beta blood test.  Four visits instead of the very tedious IVF protocol. Hoping and praying this is the right time for it to work.