Architect

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Earlier this summer I talked about updating the furniture to our bedroom. It's all functional but needs serious cosmetic TLC. Instead of spending the money on furniture, I decided to hire an architect to give me some ideas on how to remodel my upstairs. A master bathroom is more important to me than furniture, and if I restructure some walls, I don't want to get into a situation where my new furniture doesn't fit right with the new room size.

Architect spent about an hour measuring last week. I'm excited to get drawings and see different options.  I'm not sure how much a project like that even goes for: $20k? $50k? I'm not thrilled about taking out a second mortgage and getting into debt for renovations. On the other hand I want to enjoy my house and I'm sick of making decisions based on fertility stuff (like holding off on renos in case we need the cash). If it comes to it that we need to sell the house to afford a cycle, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm done living in the what-ifs and am focused on the things I CAN do now rather than what's on hold while we work on building our family.

Weekend

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It's a common question people ask each other on Monday morning: "So, how was your weekend?"

I've never been a fan of small talk. This question in particular irks me though until recently I couldn't pinpoint why. If I did something fun, I don't want to brag. If I had it rough, I don't want to air out my dirty laundry. Not only do I not want to talk about my weekend but I also don't want to discuss someone else's.

I recognize that small talk is a social lubricant that enables people to connect on a superficial level before deciding whether to invest more time in the relationship. But to me this question seems like a minefield of innocent comments that could turn awkward at any moment.  What did you do this weekend? "Oh, I spent time with my family at a water park - your kids would love it!" Awkward.  

When I got asked this question this morning, in my mind I flashed back to Saturday where I spent the day either hugging the toilet or laying down in bed wishing the headache away. I restarted the bc pills in prep for the next cycle and I got the expected reaction I do when I go from no hormones to hormones.  Instead of discussing that, I went with my go-to answer which is a smile with, "fine, thanks" and left it at that. I don't love that it comes out as standoffish but I'd rather not risk triggering the minefield.

Mid-summer Monday

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I went in this morning to get a "no menses panel" which is basically ultrasound and blood work, similar to monitoring. Blood work came back normal but my lining is a little thick so they want to start me on provera. I really don't want to be on more meds. And provera is just progesterone to take for a week and shock the system into a state lacking progesterone to induce the period. Seems counter intuitive if you ask me but apparently that's what works.

My oven saga continues. I need to decide if I want to upgrade to a convection oven. I've never used one so don't know the benefits but apparently it's all the rage, and if I'm already buying I'd like to buy a good one. My old oven was a dying 15-year old hunk of metal that barely clunked along so I think anything new would be good. In any case, we need an oven soon or we'll run out of money just on takeout food.

I've been distracted and disoriented at work. I'm either googling medical stuff or reading my file or researching ovens. I'm usually two steps ahead and am organized and on top of things. But these days I feel like stuff keeps sneaking up on me. For example, my supervisor asked me about something happening tomorrow and I smoothly transitioned into discussing it, even though in my mind I was freaking out that I had totally forgotten it was happening.

It feels like the days are flying by and things are so busy I'm barely keeping up. Very different than the usual summer pace and totally contrasted to the stand-still in other aspects of my life. Trying to enjoy the season before it's over.

New and Different

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I love figuring out and trying new things. Sometimes it's at work, sometimes it's in the kitchen, sometimes it's something else entirely.

Today it was searching and discovering a new Excel formula: COUNTA. I wasn't even sure what I needed to search and was just typing in random phrases of what I wanted in Google. After trying several different formulas that gave me similar but not exact results I was looking for, I discovered counta. It was almost as exciting as the day I discovered VLOOKUP which completely changed my world. Yay for new things!

Goals

Sometimes the lines get blurred between goals I've set up for myself and goals inspired by other people's experiences. I need to remember that I can't measure my life based on other people's highlight reel. In less words, I need to stop comparing what I want to people's fb photos.

Someone posts pictures of their magical trip to another country and I immediately think, "I want to go on a trip!" Someone else posts pictures of their renovated kitchen and I think, "I need a new kitchen!" But we can't afford those things without going into unnecessary debt.

There are choices we made that led us to this point: prioritizing fertility treatment, purchasing a house, and keeping jobs that rank higher in flexibility (me) and health insurance (him) over salary. Keeping these priorities in the forefront of my mind gives me clarity when I get sidetracked by seeing what other people have. Sometimes it feels like we're missing out. What helps me stay grounded is taking a moment to think of all the gifts we regularly take for granted: living in a place of freedom, having safe shelter, clean water, indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and enjoying an abundance of resources. Just for starters.

Sure, a trip and a renovated house would be great and maybe one day I'll spend money on those. But for the time being, I choose to spend my money and energy on other things. It may or may not work, but I won't regret giving it the best chance possible at the expense of a few less materialistic things to post about this summer.

Microblog Mondays: Business

I admire people who have the discipline and motivation to work at home, either for a company or for themselves. Entrepreneurs are visionaries who are able to make their dreams a reality with a lot of hard work, ambition, and getting up when they inevitably get knocked down.

In my current job I can't work from home every day because I need to be in the physical space of the office to get my work done properly. If I did work from home, I already know I wouldn't get dressed most days in addition to getting easily get distracted by things like dishes and laundry. Still, I appreciate the people fighting for equal rights, not only for equal salary but also equal opportunity in the workplace so that one day when I am ready I may have that opportunity myself. The world becomes a better place every time a woman is entrusted with a leadership role.

People cope with loss in lots of different ways, but there's still some taboo on discussing infertility. I think one reason is because people feel they may be treated differently once others know they're struggling. There's no such taboo on talking about business and failed attempts at careers. Maybe one day I'll run a business that pays more money, but for now I see my current business as building a family. It makes me happy to think of our path this way.

Bedroom decor

I came across #MicroblogMondays on other blogs and even though it doesn't look like everyone follows the inaugural post rules entirely, I decided to join in and see what the buzz is about -- after all, it seems to be around since 2014.  It's never been an issue for me to find the time or something to write about, but every so often I feel the need to take a break from rehashing the same cycle of thoughts over and over.  So for me, I will try to keep Monday's posts about anything but fertility treatment.

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I've mentioned before that I want to make some changes to our bedroom decor. I started the process last year but put it on pause because we were considering some major renovations, like knocking down walls and adding a master bathroom. For now, we've decided to pause any additional construction because we don't want to take out any additional loans so I'm free to finally upgrade our furniture which is long overdue.

My taste has only slightly changed since last year and I'm happy to report I'm still considering gray wood furniture. I already have it in my cart online, but I've been following this furniture store for months now, browsing their selection and comparing prices, and I know that they have sales right around holidays. I just missed the Memorial Day sale so I'm waiting for the July 4th sale to finally pull the trigger.