Friends

I've talked before about the difficulty in making and keeping friends. My relationships with friends from childhood or school fizzled out as people went their separate ways over the years. When I did put in the effort, it didn't feel reciprocated. After a while of feeling like I'm the only one trying to keep things going I got burned out doing all the reaching out. I feel lucky to have the friends I do even if it is a small number.

I know making friends is hard for everyone. Harder still to find a couple you both get along with. A lot of people I know have friends because of their kids and the families get together all the time. If someone has the idea: "the kids are bored, let's grill and invite friends with kids so they can entertain each other!" then they invite people with other kids over. We're overlooked for invitations to birthday parties or shabbat meals. When there are limited seats around the table every seat needs to be maximized, and most times we just don't make the cut. To be fair I don't know if this is actually how people think - this is how I assume it works. One time I saw on facebook pictures from an organized walking group at the zoo with their strollers. No one though to include me because I didn't have a stroller. But they were just walking and it would have been nice to be invited. I gave them the benefit of the doubt in that maybe this was their version of trying to be "sensitive" but it hurt to not even be asked, just rubbing salt on an already painful wound.

I read this the other day. She writes: "I’m not sorry you have learned to be vulnerable with those whom you love. Sharing a private struggle like infertility can be terrifying, but vulnerability is not a weakness; it is heroic."

I don't know if I agree that it's heroic but it's definitely a vulnerability. I stopped hiding my treatment highs and lows from people because talking about it feels like I'm doing my part to remove the stigma. It's difficult to talk about and difficult to discuss loss. Once I do open up to someone I expect them to follow up and check in on me every so often. I don't know if that's an unrealistic expectation but I know that trying to to hold some people to that standard has left me disappointed in the past.

It seems people have their social circle and aren't interested in expanding or reaching out. You have what you have and that's it. No one wants to get to know new people; no one is interested or has patience to let someone new in. So unless you have an in -- like you're related or live next door -- you're SOL. I'm honestly curious how people make friends later in life.

My husband and I talked about this at length in the past. We've even analyzed sitcoms in comparison. For example, FRIENDS has six people. Ross and Monica are siblings. The rest came about from school (Chandler from college and Rachel from high school) and being roommates (Phoebe and Joey). They never make new friends! Even the people they've dated or worked with never stick around or make an appearance once that brief relationship ends. And this is in perfect TV-land where there isn't even such a thing as a bad hair day so you know it's the standard. Same with Seinfeld; same with HIMYM.

It's basically how life works: you choose a few people you like and invest all your time and energy into them. The problem is that when they start drifting away because life takes them on a different path, it's not so easy to replace them. 

Separate

As I get older I find it harder to make friends. I never had an easy time making connections, but in school there was a natural common denominator and everyone was about the same age. I made a few close friends over the years and really tried to hold on. Relationships take effort and as friends had kids their lives naturally got more busy in a different direction and get-togethers became less common.

It's at the point now that I find myself with maybe one or two relationships that I'm trying to hold on to. A few years ago, taking notice of our dwindling circle of friends, we made a concious effort to make new friends. Easier said than done, especially for two anti-social introverts such as ourselves. I used to be much more outgoing and friendly, but life has changed me a bit and I find that I now abhor small talk.

During our Chicago trip a few weeks back, I had an epiphany I shared with my husband. Sitting in a coffee shop and hearing the conversation from the people in the table next to us conversing loudly about something going on at work, I realized that I hate small talk because it's so mundane and pointless but I love having deep, meaningful conversations. Unfortunately, you have to get through the small talk to meet new people and get to the real stuff. Maybe that's why I've taken to the blogosphere so easily? People are sharing their most intimate thoughts -- hopes, struggles, dreams. Sure, there's the occasional joke or vent but for the most part it doesn't feel like forced small talk.

When I found out a good friend was having a birthday party for her kids, I understood why we weren't invited but it didn't help me feel better about being left out. She invited over 50 people including kids and adults. We probably wouldn't have gone anyway, even though it would have been easy to blend in, but it would have been nice to be asked and given the option.

We're having a hard time fitting in at shul, too. Everywhere I look around there are kids and babies. It's a quick and easy way for people to connect as an unending source of conversation for even the most socially awkward person. For me, I try to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people but at first sight of it being awkward my mind goes into panic mode of, "Abort! Abort!" In the months we've been members at our shul, we haven't gotten a single invitation for a shabbat meal. We've extended invitations to a few different families. Either we were turned down (all legit reasons: out of town that week, family visiting, etc.) or they came and never reciprocated. Maybe it's us. There has been a slew of births recently and while I get sent an email about a meal train for the family, we don't get invited/notified to the bris. I tried volunteering for the recent mishloach manot project by the shul, but was told they're good with volunteers and didn't need more. There may be a whole bunch of legitimate reasons to explain all these away, but it seems like everyone is too involved with their own lives to extend a token of friendship.

It's hard enough to make friends myself, let alone finding a couple we both like but I'm doing my best to stretch out of my comfort zone to make an effort to make new friends. How do people make new friends? How do I do it without seeming creepy or desperate?

We're happy being together or with family. We don't need a lot of excitement to be content. It just feels a little lonely sometimes, especially when I feel purposely left out.