Results and next steps

We got genetic results back. Of the four embryos sent for testing three are healthy and transferable. To say that was surprising is a complete understatement. I was so upset when they got "so few" eggs! I braced myself for another busted cycle even while hoping for the best. When we got close to end of the embryo growth stage and it was possible we'd have 4, even 5, embryos biopsied it was amazing. Even more amazing to get the genetic results back that they were 75% are healthy. Amazing. We're obviously thrilled with the news but we're very, very guarded. Embryos don't mean babies... we already know that. I'm really happy it was not a busted cycle after all.

My headaches have gotten less intense since I started the bp medication but they're not gone completely. I followed up with my pcp who sent me in for a CT scan. All looked ok in the scan. She said if they persist she'll send me to see a neurologist. I'm hoping that with the weather changing it will continue improving without needing any more intervention.

Today I went back for the CD138 stain retest. There's an 80% chance the inflammation cleared up. If not, then we go another round of antibiotics. My gut flora is already unhappy. I found some probiotic yogurt and hoping it will help.

If it is confirmed that the inflammation is cleared, we start the natural ERA next cycle. My doctor went over the schedule for the next few months. Each step gets us a little bit closer to a transfer. Embryos in the freezer contain so much hope and possibilities. But I know we need to risk one for a transfer. I know. Just scared it will end up like all the other transfers. My doctor is very optimistic and it's helping to keep me positive.

Specialist update

On Friday, barely an hour after my last post about the specialist was published, I got a call from their office. He had a change of travel schedule and had an opening on Wednesday after Memorial Day weekend. My girl got us on the schedule for Wed morning and made sure that all the paperwork I submitted was received and added to my electronic file. Bless her.

We booked a hotel and drove in on Tuesday evening after work. Traffic wasn't terrible and we were in by 10:30 pm, parked the car, and went walking around the city looking for dinner. We were passed out asleep by midnight.

The appointment was this morning. The office was recently remodeled and everything was bright and clean and new. The doctor couldn't have been nicer, but beside that he was sharp and engaged. He had a methodical way of thinking that I appreciated. It was about two hours long including going over all our history, answering a lot of his questions, tv ultrasound, and a plan of action.

Among a bunch others, his recommendations include:

• Glucose/insulin test
• Toxins test
• CD138 stain to check for inflammation in the lining
• Hysteroscopy (if pics from the one I had in Jan don't show what he's looking for - need to have those transferred over)

In addition, he had recommendations for future IVF and FETs, mainly to change up the medication and protocol. So in short, everything. All of our appointments will be done locally with our new RE so we won't have to go back and forth to see him, but he will still be managing care from his office and be in contact as we go on.  After the appointment we got lunch and joined traffic to get home. The whole trip was basically 24 hours. 

I hesitate to say that I'm hopeful. I am encouraged so I guess that's a form of hope, but it's hard to let go of the baggage we're carrying around in the form of multiple losses. Continued failure weighs you down. He seems to really understand the field in a way that gives him the ability to take a bird's eye view of the situation and make suggestions for improvements. Other REs have the exact same tools but just aren't looking for the same things. I hope we're able to rule out a bunch of things, or even figure out and treat issues, and that it brings us closer to success. At the very least it's something to do while we wait for my husband to recover from varicocele repair. Maybe I am hopeful just a little bit. 

New day

I should know by now how much the weather affects my mood. The sun always comes out eventually. It's a new day and with it came fresh optimism.

In the afternoon after my meltdown my husband and I spent the rest of the rainy day doing a puzzle with one of Johnny Depp's Pirates movies on in the background and drinking hot cocoa. It was perfect. It did a lot to lift my mood but I was still mopey in the evening. I figured a good night's sleep would help, and it probably would have if I didn't wake up at midnight to use the bathroom and unable to sleep until close to 4 am. That's ok. I still felt a lot better the next day.

There's always going to be the baggage of the what-ifs and the ones that didn't work; but that doesn't mean I have to carry it with me into every transfer. Thank you also to the messages of encouragement.

I'm working on taking things one day at a time. Trying not to think about turning 34 in a few weeks. To some people that seems fine. If I was in a different place in my child-bearing journey maybe I'd feel that way too.

I still don't have a solution for Pesach but we decided we don't need one right now. We're taking things day by day. Today isn't the day to solve that issue. Tomorrow's not looking good either. I don't like procrastinating and it's not my personality to push off problems or be indecisive but for the sake of my sanity, we're just not dealing with it until it becomes necessary.

Choices

I've been stressing about the possible options moving forward.

The fact that we don't know what can help means that we're just going with trial and error until something sticks. Nothing we tried worked until now, which means everything else is an option.

I found it helpful to write out all the pros and cons of each option, however minuscule.

The first thing I did was go to pdfcalendar.com and print out a 12 week calendar starting at 1/15. I laid out the potential timelines. Being generous for a cushion in case insurance verification takes a while, I estimated a potential baseline at 1/23. From there, it branches out to several options:

• For a new IVF, we're looking at a potential egg retrieval date at about 2/9 
• If we transfer right after, potential FET 2/15 
• If we wait a cycle, potential FET 4/5 
• For only FET, possible transfer on 2/10 

I kind of hate the idea of a possible timeline that doesn't have a transfer until April. Why April? History has shown that it takes my body about 2.5 weeks after an egg retrieval to get my period. They can't start the FET protocol until after a bleed. Once the period comes, it's back on birth control for three weeks before they start the FET meds. That's approx 7-8 weeks total. So, April. I don't want to wait until April to try again. That's four months away! Pesach starts on 4/10 so I'd have a transfer like a week before? I really don't like that.

We talked about all the options and discussed each one. My husband is more gung ho about doing another IVF now than I am. I'm ok either way but I might also be ok just doing the FET. The arguments for it are that it's better to bank embryos while I'm younger; getting it out of the way, since we'll probably have to do it again if we want more children; sooner we get it done, sooner we can keep trying if FET 5 fails. The argument against it? We've been so focused on thinking several steps ahead, but it hasn't really gotten us anywhere. Maybe I should stop being so greedy about trying to get "more children" and just focus on having one first, one at a time. In thinking back about our past trials to try to bank embryos, after the first IVF cycle where we got two healthy embryos, it took three more cycles until IVF 4 to get any additional healthy embryos. Yes, two back-to-back cycles (#2 and #3) resulted in zero transferable embryos. So even if we do IVF now, there's no guarantee it will results in any additional embryos. There are no guarantees at all in this, part of which is what makes it so frustrating.

In the grand scheme of things, waiting an additional 7 weeks for a transfer is not a big deal. I know that. I can be patient if need be. But if we're waiting that much time before we can transfer and then that transfer fails, it's devastating that we've lost all that time.

And that apprehension about waiting is the truth hitting where it hurts. It's not the time I'm really worried about; it's the fear of another failure. I'm continuing to go through the motions and doing what needs to get done, but I have no faith in the protocols anymore. I don't know if it will work. Maybe ever? I don't know. I'm worried and scared. All we can do is continue to do our part, brace for the worst, and hope for the best.

Follow up and then some

Our follow up appointment this morning went as well as it could. Our doctor is a nice person and says the right things to make us feel comfortable. He tries, but he doesn't have answers. If it were up to him he'd say to just keep everything the same and try over and over doing the same thing until it works. If treatment was painless and free of charge, yeah maybe we'd go that route. But since it's not, I feel the need to research the hell out of our options and try something different if the first things didn't work.

We went over several options. He doesn't seem confident that any of them are our silver bullet, so to speak, but is willing to give anything a try. He was patient and answered all our questions. I never felt rushed or dismissed, but I also didn't feel satisfied that we have exhausted all of our options. Here's a summary of what we talked about:

• Blood thinners, baby aspirin, steroids, and anti-inflammatory medication
• Intralipid therapy
• Weight loss
• Fresh IVF or another transfer
• Hormone levels
• Age
• Next steps

Blood thinners, etc.

According to the doctor, the data isn't conclusive one way or the other. If it does work, there's no way to say this is why. He said side effects are minimal, if any. He said he would do both a bloodthinner and an anti-inflammtory combo. I asked about only using one because of the slight chance of side effects on the baby like cleft palate while on steroids. He'd be ok with doing only one, but his suggestion is if you're already gonna do it, go all in with both.

Intralipid therapy

He says that he wouldn't even know where to recommend going for this. The data is inconclusive and there is no current practice for any of the physicians in the clinic to recommend this. He knows about it but does not believe there is any value to this expensive therapy.

Weight loss

It's not the first time I'm hearing this. There's no way to know if this is a factor or not, but it's within my control (somewhat) and so I'm not dismissing it. I know it's the only thing he can come up with because everything else is testing normal. If I can lose weight I will, but I'm not pushing off treatment for this. 

Fresh or frozen

We have a unique challenge in that we need to have our embryos PGD tested. In a regular IVF cycle where you don't need genetic testing, you get to transfer on the 5th day after the egg reterival because your lining is primed due to the medication. Since we have one remaining embryo already tested, it presents with a few options: 

• Option 1: just do a FET
• Option 2: do a fresh IVF and transfer 6 days after the egg retrieval 
• Option 3: do a fresh IVF and wait a cycle before the FET

I originally went in thinking we'd do option 2, with a fresh IVF and then a transfer as soon as possible. The doctor said that there is a slight chance that the extra estrogen from the stim cycle might cause a decreased chance of success, so I think we might do option 3. I know it's only a slight chance, but regardless of how small, I don't want to risk it. We have some time to decide. 

Hormone levels

I asked the doctor to review all my hormone levels and double check if everything looks good. No anomalies spotted. Thyroid, prolactin, etc. all ok. If there is a problem it's not showing up here. 

Age

I'll be 33 in March. I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to not only have a child, but also give it a sibling. Nothing we've done to this point got us any closer to that goal. Some people think that they want a baby. I don't just want a baby - I want a big family. Dreaming big, even if it seems greedy.

We talked with the doctor about doing another IVF before another transfer in order to bank some embryos. He seemed confused at first, so I explained that if we want to have more kids then the next transfer we do, if it works (big if) I'd have to take off about two years from treatment, one for the pregnancy and one for breastfeeding/recovery/having an infant to care for at home. If I'm ever lucky enough to take home a baby, I want to enjoy it as much as possible before having to worry about the next one. I said I was worried about my age and that isn't it better to bank some embryos at my current age rather than waiting?  I'm getting ahead of myself, I know. I should probably try to focus on just #1 before anything else. 

He responded that I don't need to worry about that until age 37 or 38, especially since I've been a good responder until now. I'm not sure how much I believe him about that. I get that he's the professional and he's used to seeing women in their 40s trying to get pregnant, but the only thing I have going for me right now is that I'm still relatively young. Why not use it to my advantage if I can bank some now? 

My other thought process is that iyh when we are trying for #2, we'll have a #1 running around. If I don't have to wait, I'd rather get an IVF/egg retrieval out of the way now instead of having to deal with it later with a toddler. Again, I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but this is part of my thought process. 

Next steps

So now we have to decide what we want to do next. We have so many unanswered questions and too many unknowns. Here's what we do know: 

• We want to continue trying. 
• We have one healthy embryo in the freezer. 
• We know I can get pregnant. Embryo implanted and continued to grow. Therefore we will focus our efforts on keeping a pregnancy rather than implantation issues.
• We know our insurance coverage won't kick in until mid-Jan at the earliest. 
• We know that since insurance won't kick in before my next period is due, we're looking at a late Jan or early Feb cycle.
• We know that we are nearing our lifetime maximum benefits for fertility treatment coverage so a lot of our treatment moving forward may have to be out of pocket at the reduced insurance rate. 
• We know we want to bank more embryos before doing a transfer. 
• We know we want to wait after the IVF to do a transfer.
• We know we have two options for the next transfer: 
• Change nothing
• Add bloodthinner/steroid protocol
• We know that losing weight is an option. 

Based on that information, we will discuss in the coming days what we want to do and take it from there. 

To his credit the doctor is willing to discuss any option. He's seems mildly interested in helping us succeed, but he's a skilled clinician who is professional and efficient at his job. He told us to take our time to think about things and let him know if we have any questions, asking us to include a phone number in our email if we want him to call to discus anything. 

I think the temporary plan now is to wait for my next period, start an IVF cycle late Jan, wait a cycle and transfer in Feb with the bloodthinner etc protocol. In the meantime to try to lose weight. I'll let that pickle for a few days and if it still seems like a good idea and we both still agree then we'll go forward with that.

I'm a little bit over all this. I'm feeling deflated and drained. This last loss really took a lot out of me. I don't have the same hopeful optimism. The fear of failure is so great that instead of calculating due dates after a transfer, I calculate how soon we can try again in case of a loss. I don't think I'll ever have a sense of relief where it relates to pregnancy.

We spent a large portion of our 20s in debt and unemployment due to the 2008 recession and it took us a while to climb out of it. We're now spending the best time of our 30s suffering with infertility. I feel like we were late to bloom and we're wasting the best of our youth just trying to stay afloat. Where did we go wrong? What did we do to deserve this? More importantly, how do we overcome? If not overcome, how do we shift our goals and priorities to still lead happy lives?

I don't have answers. I just have an emptiness. When I start feeling happy a guilt creeps in. I don't know why or what for, but I feel guilty for trying to be happy. Maybe in a way it feels as though being happy invalidates all the sad things we're going through. I think I just need to not rush the time it takes to let things heal.

We talked about going on a trip to try to get a little space and fresh surroundings, but it's the same issue again that comes up. The more money we spend, the less we have for treatment. Our 10 year anniversary is coming up this summer and I've been saving for a major trip for almost 4 years. It now seems like we may need to use those funds for more treatment. It's unfair and it sucks, but I feel like I have to try everything before giving up. I don't want to live with regrets. We will iyh celebrate our anniversary wherever we are together, but there's only a finite window to build a family. I wanted to compromise and have a quickie getaway nearby, but anywhere nearby that's worth traveling to during this season still has zika issues. It feels like we can't win.

I feel like if we just can keep going we can thrive, not just survive.  We just need a little bit of luck to get through this latest rough patch. I also need to remember to learn to enjoy the journey. I feel blessed that we have the opportunity to try again. Our life is currently being made up of these memories and it is what we make it. We are so fortunate to have the things we do - I'm too superstitious to list them here - and I am thankful every day. 

Rosh Hashana 5777

Rosh Hashana starts on Sunday night. I've planned menus and did most of the cooking. The things in the freezer include: roast with vegetables; stuffed chicken with mushrooms, onion, and spinach; sesame cake; various vegetable kugels; challah; two types of meatballs; and meat/bean roll ups. On Sunday I plan to make salmon, honey cake, rugelach, simanim, and salads. I've prepared more than needed for just this holiday in prep for the rest of the season, when we will be hosting my in-laws in a few weeks.

With the new year starting, I feel like we have a new shot. New beginning. New start. Now that I have the schedule for our new FET I can't help but mentally calculate everything as bFET and aFET: before and after. We got tickets to see a Sebastian Maniscalo (one of our fav comics) the weekend after the transfer and I can't help but worry that trying to get to the venue close to after Shabbat might be too stressful. It's probably fine.

My cousin is getting married in Israel in December and we joked about hypothetically making the trip because we both really want to visit. Then it wasn't so much a joke as an actual conversation about whether we're able to swing that. It comes down to not really being able to make a decision until we find out if the transfer took. At best, I'll be pregnant. At worst... well, not quite ready to think the worst yet.

That's not entirely true. We've had multiple conversations about what comes next. Extensive, thoughtful, intentional conversations. If FET #4 doesn't result in a pregnancy, we'll have one final healthy embryo to transfer. Our beta would be the week before Thanksgiving, so we'll know by then whether it took or not. It means that we'll have about 5-6 weeks before the new year which leaves us with a few options.

• Option 1 would be to do FET #5 with our last and final embryo, which would probably be right around Christmas, but I think that the clinic is closed for that week for retrievals, surgeries, and transfers, so it would likely be scheduled for the week after. 
• Option 2 would be to hold off until after Jan 1, once I'm back on the new insurance, and do another IVF cycle before another transfer. It would likely not be until February, once they can verify the new insurance which takes 4-6 weeks.

It's a solid plan, with a lot of hope of continuing to try and try until it works. But thinking about it now and putting it in writing makes it depressing to think that the ERA didn't help at all and the change in protocol it initiated wasn't helpful. I know that if the November transfer doesn't result in a pregnancy then the next time we do a transfer, whenever it will be, will include an endo scratch. That was the last and final option that the doctor suggested at our June wtf appointment, and the only thing we haven't tried yet. It has a 50/50 shot of working and there's not enough science to back it up, but it's an option I'm willing to try if everything else fails.

I'm going into the Jewish new year hopeful and scared. Optimistic and guarded. This time last year we had just finished our first IVF cycle and were getting ready for our first FET. We were so, so hopeful. So naive. So sure that by this Rosh Hashana we would be parents to a 2 month old baby. We were talking not about IF but WHEN at that point. I don't think that I could have gone through what we did over this past year if I had known then what I know now. I don't know that we would have done all those cycles, all those shots, spent all that money, if we knew that in one year from that day we would be no closer to being parents. Sometimes it's a blessing to be forced to take things one day at a time. The enormity of what we went through would have been too much to bear all once.

Even with all that, I can't help but feel lucky. Hopeful. Excited. Confident. I don't know what it is that makes me believe that this will happen for us. I know that I might be setting myself up for failure, but if I have no hope then I have nothing. Over the past year, with every devastating call about FET results, the first thing I would do is mentally calculate when we can try again. It was automatic. I knew it would take time to heal and time to wait for my period and time to start again, but at least starting again was an option. Until we're ready to really call it quits, there will always be a 'starting again' option.

I hope the new year brings with it lots of happiness, health, peace, and babies.

L'shana Tova U'metukah -- here's to a sweet new year!

No news

The crown won. My permanent crown was put in this morning while we're still waiting for results of the ERA.

I don't understand what takes so long. My assigned nurse is on vacation this week but I called anyway to find out if results have come back yet. The nurse filling in left me a voicemail and said she talked to the doctor and no results have come back yet. She also said that she'll call the lab tomorrow to follow up.

I'm trying not to think too far ahead. The problem with fertility treatment is that the highs are so high which makes the lows so low. It's scary to hope.  Even at the lowest low, it's hard not to think about the future and continue to keep the hope alive. It's almost an addiction. After every negative failed beta, one of the first thoughts is, "So when can we try again?" and mentally calculate the options. It's a survival tactic. It's a way to deal with the devastating losses.

But how many times will we have to do this? How many more lows? How many more 2WWs will we have to survive through? Will we ever make it to the other side?

There was an accident and a set of glass shot glasses we got as a gift from my husband's grandmother had a tragic meeting with the floor. My husband's reaction? "It's just stuff..." as he sadly swept it up. "The thing about going through treatment is that it gives you perspective. You start to value the things that really matter." He is wise.

We had three healthy embryos the last cycle. We've already transferred one and it's gone forever as a failed chemical pregnancy. I know what I hope for next. Hoping is dangerous and scary but hope is also the fuel feeding the fire. As long as there's a chance, there's hope. 

ERA progress

The weekend was nice; rainy and low key. There was a major storm on Saturday afternoon/eve that caused major flooding in nearby areas. It didn't affect us directly other than some flickering lights, but the pictures coming out of the affected neighborhoods are insane.

Fifth shot of DE was on Sat night and tomorrow is the appointment for lining check. I have to remember to drink a lot tonight and tomorrow morning before the appointment in an attempt to help with the bloodwork.

Today I was with my closest group of friends and the conversation steered toward baby names. One was saying something to the effect of, "I was thinking of this name... but you can't steal it!" to which the others responded with, "First come, first serve!" In other words, if you want dibs on a name you gotta have the baby and name it. I joined in the conversation and joked along with everyone, but somewhere inside I was really sad. Specifically because this is a conversation my husband and I have often - we like discussing names and in nearly 10 years of being together we've never agreed on a name we love. Still, it feels like a "safe" topic that allows us to talk about the future without triggering too much emotion.

Everyone in today's group knows about our struggle but for some reason it didn't occur to anyone that this might be a sensitive issue for me. I wouldn't have known either until it was. I can't expect them never to talk about these things and it's not like any of the names my husband and I discussed came up, but still. When one person with a 6-month-old joked that she better get started on her next baby to reserve her name of choice it reminded me that we're still no where near a transfer date.

I'm tired. I'm tried of waiting. I'm tired of wanting. I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of the same newsreel over and over again. I'm ready for a change of story and a happy plot twist.

Happy Birthday, America

Every year we do something for 4th of July, like a BBQ or a family gathering. In the past I've made the flag cake with the blueberries/strawberries/whip or a berry trifle. This year I didn't feel like it, even though there are so many fun things online to try.

This morning I made some pancakes and eggs and we had a great breakfast. The weather is rainy and gross so fireworks will likely be canceled. Ok with me. The failed FET, the constant terror attacks all over the world, the weather... just feeling bummed out. Maybe next year we'll be in more of a celebratory mood.

Symptom-wise things are back to normal. By that I mean that for the first time in a month there isn't any activity from my uterus; all is quiet and I'm back to how things were pre-cycle. Tomorrow morning is the appointment with the doc and my husband is going to take a few hours off work so we can go together. I asked for the soonest appointment available and that happens to be in another city. It's almost three times as far as the regular office we visit. We'll have to make sure to leave early enough to avoid traffic and have enough time to get there.

Overall the weekend was nice. One incident on shabbat stood out in my mind and really upset me. I was outside in the shul playground pushing my 2-year-old niece on the swings. Services were almost over and they were setting up the kiddush outside. There were a bunch of mommies and kids all over the playground. There was a baby (non-walking, maybe a year old?) in the path underneath the swing we were using, eating the wood chips from the playground floor, that I wanted to move for his safety. I asked around the mommies if they know whose baby it is and no one knew. I went to move the baby anyway if only to get him to stop eating wood chips. As I was moving him away from the wood chip area to the grass I kept asking people as I passed them if they knew whose baby it is. No one seemed to know who left their baby unattended under the swings to eat wood chips. Not wanting to leave my own charge unattended, I kept asking people as they came by and one guy responded, "Oh yeah, he's mine. I forgot about him!" and with a light chuckle took the baby. I don't think he was kidding. Asshole. It made me so upset that this guy has so many children that he can't keep track of and we weren't even able to even get to 5 weeks of pregnancy.

There's no way to compare, I know. There's probably a reason for His plan even if I'm not privy to the details. I don't know why we've been challenged with this, and I don't want it to make me bitter. Yet seeing this guy being so cavalier about this baby really rubbed me the wrong way.

Tonight I found out about another pop. Someone very close to me who has been trying naturally since the fall, and suffered one chemical pregnancy herself, is expecting. Had FET #3 worked, we would be due within a week of each other. She knew a few weeks ago but held back from sharing the news because mine didn't take. I'm so happy for her. I'm so glad she did tell me, and I'm grateful she was sensitive enough not to tell me right away when she found out, which was when I found out that my pregnancy failed.  The announcement did make me cry. It was a cry of sadness that our babies won't be the same age rather than jealousy or resentment. It was a cry of heartache that she felt the need to hold back with the happiest news of her life because the crappy news of my failed pregnancy overshadowed yet something else. It was a cry of grief for what we lost. It was a cry of despair of the challenges ahead and the lack of any guarantees.

I want to keep hope alive. I want to believe that at least one of the embryos we have in the freezer will become our child. I want to stay strong and keep trying. But it's hard to be brave when the emotional wounds of the last failed cycle are still so fresh. No one has the magic formula. No one can tell me the future. No one can be strong for us. We need to keep feeding the faith, keep hope alive, keep thinking positively, keep believing that one day it may be us. IYH soon by us.

Sad

So, so sad.

It breaks my heart to see my husband depressed. He shared the news with his parents last night and couldn't explain why the pregnancy didn't take. The question everybody wants to know is,"Why?" and we just don't have an answer.

It doesn't seem to be getting any easier as the days go by. Especially knowing a period from hell is on its way. I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders and on my heart. It's possible that things seem more bleak now than in previous transfers because we know this transfer progressed to a pregnancy as opposed to just a failed transfer with a negative beta.

I know things will get better. I know we will try again and maybe we'll have success. One day all this may be but a distant memory. But in the meantime we're still living through it. It's still fresh and the heartbreak feels unbearable.

We had an uneventful weekend at home with family and friends visiting. At times we just wanted to be sad and cry but felt the need to put on a brave face for company. No one would have judged us, of course; no one expects us to put on a brave face for them. It was nice to be checked in on and kept distracted and busy. I don't believe it's healthy to wallow.

I started reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She talks about overcoming fears and purposely going for them even when it's scary. To me, it's scary to think that this isn't the last time this might happen but what's the alternative? Not to try again?

We went into the transfer knowing that failure was a possibility, and braced for the worst news and the heartbreak that comes with it. But when we got the positive result at the first beta, it was such joy, such happiness.

It was a glimpse into the possibilities of the future which gives us just enough hope to keep trying.

Feeling better

I made an appointment for Monday's bloodwork. Even though I usually skip this in person, I also scheduled what's commonly referred to as the WTF appointment to reassess before moving forward. The first available appointment my doc had was July 14. I asked if he was available sooner at a different location and got an appointment for July 5. Just goes to show that you should always ask.

I have been researching and making a list of questions and tests to ask about. Hysteroscopy, ERA, thyroid levels, prolactin levels, Vitamin D, natural FET, transferring more than one embryo, and endo scratch. I'm sure the list will grow by July 5. My husband can't come to the appointment because of work so I'm debating whether to go alone or bring someone with me to have a second set of ears in the room. Maybe my mother will come.

My BMI is within the acceptable range for treatment but from everything I've researched, there's a high correlation with miscarriage and high BMI. Since this is something within my control, I would like to lose 10 lbs before the next transfer. Ironically, I've been so anxious and depressed these past few days that I lost the last three lbs from my previous 10 lb plan. So I'm off to a good start. I'm considering joining the gym again even though I've been ok with exercising at home. Something to consider in the coming days.

I also spoke to my general gyn doctor who I've had as my doc for over twelve years. I love her. She's the best. I called her to bring her up to speed and get her opinion on where things stand. It's been at least a year since I last saw her so I started by giving a quick reminder of our situation and before I could finish the first sentence, she finished it for me. She not only had my chart in front of her but she'd also reviewed it before calling me - how refreshing! So different than my RE.

In short, she said we did "only" three cycles and while it's a bummer that it didn't work out that's no indication that there's anything wrong. For couples trying naturally, they're told to try at least a year (12 times) before assuming there's an issue. Even though we're getting high grade embryos and the chances increase with fertility treatment, they're nowhere near 100% and there's no guarantee of a take-home baby. Logically, I knew this is true but it was helpful to hear it from an experienced professional.

We chatted a little more and she was clear to tell me when things were beyond her expertise (like when I asked her opinion on doing an ERA) which helps me put more credibility on the opinions she does give. It made me feel better to speak with her because she's so professional and patient, even though she's not a generally warm and fuzzy kind of person. While I was on the phone with her I felt like I had her complete attention and that my questions were her top priority at the moment. I hope I graduate from the RE and move on to her soon.

I fell asleep exhausted last night at 7:40 PM and woke up several times at night to cry. I went in to work today because I have a deadline coming up, but everyone pretty much left me alone because they think I'm nursing a migraine hangover. Perfect, worked for me. At about 3:00 PM I started feeling faint, hearing people through a tunnel, really dizzy and nauseous. I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday and that was barely a string cheese and a banana. Luckily I caught it and ate before fainting. That would have been awkward to explain. I'm tired again and ready for the weekend.

I spent some time cooking for shabbat today and made vegetable lo mein, baked breaded fish, broccoli quiche, and chocolate cake. Then I took out some stress scrubbing the dishes. I'm looking forward to the weekend just being home recuperating and recharging.

Shabbat shalom.

Meltdown

I kind of had a meltdown this morning before work. I had the tiniest bit of tan color on the TP this morning and it made me so sad and so sure that it's all over. I couldn't stop crying and was worried I'd have to take the day off work since I can't go as a blubbering mess.

As of noon today the cramps are back but they feel like period cramps and I'm scared to look every time I go to the bathroom. I'm having weird discomfort around my cervix. Can I even feel that? I don't know - that's what I'm assuming it is.

My nurse said that if things progress I'll have to be on the shots until about 10 weeks. Even though I'm running low I decided I'll only place the order if the numbers from tomorrow's bloodwork indicate that's necessary.

I told my mother the news. I went over to the house this morning on my way to work. It was scary! We chatted about random stuff for about 10 minutes while my heart was pounding trying to figure out how to best tell. Now I get why people get funky with the reveal. It was hard to actually say the words, especially when the situation is still so precarious and I'm so superstitious. I basically just said it and the reaction was immediate. She was so excited and so happy. I got a big hug and we cried together. Once I caught my breath I explained that the numbers are low and that there's still a long road ahead. I explained that the numbers need to double now every time I go back for bloodwork until such time that they can do an ultrasound and so on. Here I thought the 2WW was the worst.

I kind of felt bad landing that on her at the beginning of the day but at the same time it felt like the burden was suddenly not as heavy to carry. She has plenty of experience with kid-related anxiety raising us so I'm not so worried about that. I'm not sorry we shared the news. I was happy to have the news to share and until I hear otherwise, I'm calling it what it is!

2dp6dt

This morning I stretched as I was waking up and felt a sharp pain near my right ovary. I have a lot of period-like symptoms: bloating, cramps, low-grade headache. I know it's warm out and I've been trying to drink more water but I could be better.

Feelings-wise I'm kind of numb. I want to believe it worked but I'm very cautious not to get my hopes up so I'm trying to stay neutral and the best way I know how is just to not think about it even though it's always on my mind.

I've been trying to do small, extra things to do my part. For (TMI) example, going to the bathroom at work I usually hover over the toilet seat but the last couple of days I've been taking the time to make a TP barrier so that I can sit and relax. It's kind of gross but at least there's less tension when I sit down.

Our guests for Monday lunch cancelled because their babysitter cancelled on them and they don't want to come with their kids which is totally fine - we'll have them another time and for the time being it's one less meal to host. I should be taking it easy anyway.

Tomorrow I plan to wake up early to finish cooking for the 3 day yom tov. Maybe I'll post pictures if I remember to snap some before I pack it all into the freezer.