Shavuot 2018

Stock photo

It's been busy the past few weeks. Whenever I started writing I'd get interrupted and distracted.  

Mother's Day passed without incident. I was so worried about it and the pressure with the lead up to it, with all the ads and expectations, was very difficult. But the day itself was just another Sunday. We did brunch with the family as a memorial to my grandmother who passed away on MD without any formal MD celebrations.

It's the busy season at work. I come home exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open. It's basically just come home, forage in the fridge for some dinner fixins, and veg in front of the tv until bedtime. I don't have mental energy to do anything else. The constant rainy weather hasn't helped either. Currently we're binging the Handmaid's Tale. I know we're supposed to sympathize with the main character as the victim, and I do, but I also really understand the anger from the Wives and the toll infertility takes on their life. It's a horrible, terrifying, and addictive show.

Tonight is erev yom tov. Thanks to my husband's nightly reminders, I'm still in the count on day 48. I haven't done any of the cooking for the 3-day yom tov coming up. It took so much energy just to go shopping for groceries. Last night I came home after another long day at work and tried to get myself to start something, anything, with regard to cooking/baking. I thought maybe I'd Instagram the steps as some motivation to get started, but it wasn't happening. The result is that I'll likely pare down the menu and make it more simple. We were too late in inviting people -- most already had plans -- so it's just us for most of the meals. That's fine. I'm happy to sleep for three days.

The surgery is scheduled for next week. It's been on my mind a lot and I've been so worried about it that at this point I'm excited to get it over with. I'm hoping it will all go smoothly with a quick and easy recovery. I only took the day of off but he took the rest of the week, just in case. Once the surgery happens we have a clearer timeline toward IVF. I'll admit that it's been nice to have a mandatory break and just live regular life. There's something to be said about that feeling of peace that comes with acceptance of things beyond your control. I'm still calling the specialist office every so often, who is now booking in March 2019, for cancellations. I'm still 7th on the waitlist. I'll keep calling.


I'm planning to cook when I get home from work today. I'll post pictures of my cheesecakes if I have time to make any. Shabbat shalom and chag sameach!

6dp6dt

Shavuot was really nice with great company and lots of good food. I tried out a new recipe for Key Lime Cheesecake and it was delicious.

Not having any air conditioning was such a bummer. We had fans throughout the house, but it was so warm some days that the house reached 93 degrees at one point. The air was thick and soupy - we spent a lot of time outdoors or at friends' houses. We even slept in the basement one night when it just got so bad.

Mild symptoms come and go: cramps, dry mouth, headache, fatigue, nausea. I've been trying to keep up with walking, usually 2 to 4 miles every other day. I've been drinking a lot, mainly because of the heat. The PIOs aren't terrible but they're definitely less pleasant as my butt gets more and more sore even though I've been good about keeping track of alternating sides. 

 I can't tell if the symptoms are because of the heat, the meds, or something more exciting. We'll find out in one week.

3dp6dt - Erev Shavuot

I'm feeling crummy today. I have no symptoms at all and even the cramps have subsided. I took a HPT this morning (just to mess with myself? I dunno) and of course it came out negative. Of course. It's only been 3 days! What was I thinking? It was such a bummer.

Another of the TODAY show people announced her pregnancy, Dylan Dreyer. She's one of my favorite anchors on the show. Two FB friends posted their summer bump photoshoots and three people at work announced that they're due in December so I'm feeling overwhelmed with pregnancy all around me. It's like popcorn - everyone is popping up with announcements all over. I was hoping we'd have a baby in 2016 and all these December due dates are kind of poking a mental bruise in the back of my mind.

Part of me wants to avoid people because I'm worried about what my reaction will be if anyone else pops. I want to be happy for people and I want to express joy. It's just a weird thing to experience during the 2WW mindset which is a balance of trying to hold on to hope while at the same time bracing for worst case.

Clearly anyone who is announcing is in their second trimester and they've been holding on to this secret for months already, so for them it's a joy and relief to share their excitement. I'm not trying to take away from their happiness, I just wish it wasn't a sensitive issue for me to hear about it.

Tonight starts a three day yom tov (Shabbat followed by two days of Shavuot). I was trying to schedule the AC repair for Tuesday morning and the lady was saying how she can't put me on the schedule until the part comes in, and that she'll call me tomorrow if it comes in. I tried explaining that I won't be answering the phone until Monday evening and that I won't be able to speak with her until they reopen on Tuesday morning, but she wasn't getting it. I was worried we'd get bumped to the end of the week just because I couldn't schedule something "because the system doesn't let." Listen lady, when your house is 95 degrees I'll ask you how much you care about what the system does or does not let. So, being polite and calm, I requested to be put on the schedule for repairs on Tuesday morning just in case the part comes in over the weekend or Monday. I asked her to call me and leave a voicemail on Monday to let me know if it does actually come so that I'll know whether to take off Tuesday or not. We'll see how this works.

Shabbat shalom and chag sameach!

2dp6dt

This morning I stretched as I was waking up and felt a sharp pain near my right ovary. I have a lot of period-like symptoms: bloating, cramps, low-grade headache. I know it's warm out and I've been trying to drink more water but I could be better.

Feelings-wise I'm kind of numb. I want to believe it worked but I'm very cautious not to get my hopes up so I'm trying to stay neutral and the best way I know how is just to not think about it even though it's always on my mind.

I've been trying to do small, extra things to do my part. For (TMI) example, going to the bathroom at work I usually hover over the toilet seat but the last couple of days I've been taking the time to make a TP barrier so that I can sit and relax. It's kind of gross but at least there's less tension when I sit down.

Our guests for Monday lunch cancelled because their babysitter cancelled on them and they don't want to come with their kids which is totally fine - we'll have them another time and for the time being it's one less meal to host. I should be taking it easy anyway.

Tomorrow I plan to wake up early to finish cooking for the 3 day yom tov. Maybe I'll post pictures if I remember to snap some before I pack it all into the freezer.