FET 6: Beta #2 (3/12/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Today is 5w1d aka 17dp6dt.

I went in for bloodwork this morning and they got it on the first stick - yay! I waited anxiously for results which came shortly before noon: beta came back at 2738. Wow, right? It's within the normal doubling range considering the first beta was 686 four days ago. I'll be honest and say that I was a tiny bit disappointed that the number didn't blow the doubling out the water. It was literally quadrupled from Thursday, minus six points. Was something wrong? Why is it a few points off from true doubling? I googled it and it seemed to be normal and fine.

So what's next? Ultrasound. They like doing an u/s when beta gets above 2,000 and/or around 6 weeks. So, assuming all continues well, six weeks for me is Sunday the 18th and the earliest we can do the u/s is Monday the 19th. However I want my husband to be there and Fridays are more flexible for him. I asked my nurse if it's ok to wait until 3/23. She responded that it's better to come in 3/16 which is two days earlier than the 6 week mark. All this was done over email so there was a long time between each response. I asked her what to expect on the appointment - I didn't want to go too early and be disappointed. I tried calling the front desk to schedule for the 16th but no one answered and I kept getting stuck in a hold loop. It was frustrating to try to get answers.

I'd rather go in on 23rd with more of a chance to see something. The u/s from May when they discovered the blighted ovum is still fresh in my mind and I'm scared. Now that I think about it more, maybe they want to make sure it's not ectopic, but wouldn't the hcg numbers show that? Or other symptoms? I don't know. We're walking on eggshells here and worried about everything. I'll try to pinpoint an answer from my nurse in the morning.

None of it seems real. We haven't fully processed. We've been here before and it didn't exactly have the outcome we wanted. So we're just ignoring it. It's somewhere in the background of our life. We do the shots nightly. We talk about bloodwork or appointments as casually as we have as though it's just another cycle. We're not discussing the what-ifs or the could-this-be-it because it's just too surreal. It doesn't seem like it needs to be talked about yet. It might sink in if we see a heartbeat.

FET 6: 13dp6dt, BETA (3/8/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

My original birthday post doesn't include the reason I was really happy all day. Beta came back positive at 686.

We went in for bloodwork together for the first time. We needed to get our non-viable embryo disposal forms signed in front of a staff member as a witness. The other option was to find a notary but that would mean going during business hours and it wasn't something we wanted to miss work for. We went earlier than usual so that my husband could still be at work on time. So we left home at 6:30 AM. I had been dead asleep only half an hour prior, so I didn't really have a chance to chug my water as usual. I tried, but it was so early and even room temp water felt cold and like cement in my stomach. I still got 16 oz down but it apparently wasn't enough, or didn't have enough time to absorb, because they couldn't get blood even after two sticks.

I took a break, drank tons more water, signed the paperwork in front of our witness, then went back to the waiting room to get called back for bloodwork. At this point it was 7:20 am and I was fussing that if they would have gotten blood the first time around we'd be done by now. My husband wasn't worried. He said there is nothing more important we have to do today. <3

I got called back again and the staff had rotated. The new person was able to get it with one stick. We checked out and booked it out of there. On the ride home we chatted and I was happy he got to see a glimpse of what life is like for me during a cycle. When it's one time that they can't get blood it's one thing; but when it's like that day after day that time adds up and it's really frustrating.

He went to work and I went shopping, doing some retail therapy and just clearing my head browsing at stores. I was so pleased with my BBB score. I got new bedroom decor and sheets and blankets and throw pillows - the works! My bedroom decor vision is coming together. I just have to get an electrician to swap out the light fixture and we're almost done.

I had already decided that when the call comes in I'll let it go to voicemail so that we can hear the results together. I'd been peeing on my expired pee sticks so I knew there was some hcg in my system. At 10:55 am I got an email with the subject line: Mazal Tov. From there it became the happiest day. No matter what else went on birthday-related, I knew I'd be on cloud nine the rest of the day. Later on the nurse called to confirm I had gotten the results but I was shopping and it went to voicemail anyway.

At this point I don't have any more fall-back reassurances. At least when I was peeing on the sticks and seeing the line get darker day by day it was a measure of something going right. But now that we've confirmed it, there's nothing the pee sticks can tell me. It's another waiting game until next beta on Monday. So nerve wracking.

We've gone from 13dp6dt to 4w4d with one result.

So we wait. We'll enjoy our secret and the morning sickness that started creeping in around mid-mornings.

FET 6: 11dp6dt (3/6/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Oh no... guess what I found. Another pack of expired test strips. Yes I was looking. Yes I took one. Yes it was positive.

Now I'm worried it's a false positive because it's expired. I'm also worried about another chem bc it's a faint line for this far along. 

Why do they make us wait so long??? I know that in the grand scheme of things 9 months is a longer time, plus waiting for every step feels like forever like between betas and waiting for ultrasound. But that's because it takes time for baby to grow. I also think the clinic waits this long to prune out the chem pregnancies, so even if it implanted but isn't sticking it will start decreasing and lower expectations. 

My beta is on Thursday. That's two whole days of waiting and thinking. Two more nights of wondering. Two more evenings of shots. 

FET 6: 10dp6dt (3/5/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

We've reached double digits to days post transfer. Feels like a marathon. Does it ever stop feeling like the 2ww take up six times as long as regular weeks? Three more days until beta.

Last night the shots were getting to me. It's not just the shots, it's making sure I'm remembering everything. It feels like I'm constantly reminding myself not to forget something. First thing in the morning is the thyroid medicine, then a reminder to myself of no eating for at least 30 minutes. In the evening it's PIO and every third day add a second shot of DE. Before bed I take the prenatal and vitamin D3 supplements. The D3 I have come in units of 1000 and I'm supposed to take three (which, in addition to the vit D3 in the prenatal, comes out to 4000 nightly). The capsules are so thick and chalky that it takes two or three gulps of water to get them all down. I need to switch to gel caps or at least another version with a higher dose per pill so I don't have to swallow as many.

The shots themselves never seem to get easier. Sure, we've gotten a rhythm down and we can do them with a lot less fanfare than earlier days. The areas we've been poking are getting sore. Even though my husband rubs the muscle after, I'm noticing lumps that I have to work out. I worry that the lumps represent medication that didn't reach its destination. Last night we tried a new spot for the shot and it hurt a lot more than usual. New means the area hasn't gotten numb yet. When it hurts like that and brings tears to my eyes I just think about all the discomfort and pain we've gone through and cry about how we'll take it if another transfer fails. 

The first few days post transfer I had that constant full feeling in my uterus. Either I've gotten used to it or it's become even more mild because I haven't really noticed it as of late. My boobs are kind of sore if I poke them but that's likely the PIO. I finally succeeded in trashing the remaining expired pee sticks so I can't even obsess about whether or not to take those.

I haven't been nauseous but I've also not really had an appetite. I can explain most of the symptoms away to anxiety and meds. At this point I can convince myself it went either way. I think it worked but I don't know if it will get to ultrasound. I will honestly be very surprised if we get a negative beta. We've gotten past those where we've only gotten slightly further along each time: 

FET 1 - negative

FET 2 - negative

FET 3 - first beta was 61 then went down at second beta

FET 4 - first beta was 448, then doubled, then suddenly went down at third beta

FET 5 - first beta was 273, then more than quadrupled, then ended up as a blighted ovum discovered at 7w4d

So the first goal is to get a positive beta, because as sure as I believe my wonky/expired pee sticks from last week, still have to make it official with blood work. Then the next step is to hear a heartbeat. After that, we'll deal with whatever comes. 

FET 6: 7dp6dt (3/2/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

The past two days I've been distracted with Purim so it helped keep my mind off the elephant in the room. This morning I tested again with expired strips. I literally fished them out of the trash to take one but then threw the rest out once I got my answer. It's not going to get any more or less accurate and I need to get rid of them all together. Since then, the trash was taken out and picked up so there's no more temptation.

Wednesday was the fast day. I felt guilty for not fasting but my husband and I agreed that, being one of the minor fasts, it's not worth risking implantation issues by fasting. I broke the fast in the morning by taking my morning pill with usual amount of water. For breakfast I had some dry cereal and another bottle of water. I didn't eat treats or extras - kept hydrated and ate enough to last until the next meal but not until satisfaction. Even though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I still felt that in solidarity with those who are fasting, like my husband, that I shouldn't use this as a way to take advantage of the situation. I had my light breakfast and then went to work. I came home for a quick lunch and went back. I didn't snack or drink at my desk. My coworkers already know I observe the fasts and breaking it in front of them would have been a giveaway something is up. 

That night we walked to Megilla reading where people booed haman enthusiastically. When we got home I made some hamentashen while keeping my husband company in the kitchen as he ate his post-fast meal. The next morning we got up early to get ready for shul and early megilla. We both worked that day so we had to get up and out early. I spent the first half of the day at work; more of a party than actual work. at noon I went home and had a light lunch followed by some local deliveries by walking around the neighborhood. Before we knew it it was time to head to the seuda. I brought veg lo mein, rolls, hamentashen, and paper goods. It was more of a load than wha others brough but I felt kind of responsible to pull it together. It was the first time in ten years we weren't hosting and I missed it, but I wasn't going to risk working hard and jeopardizing the potential pregnancy in the early stages. 

We left a little early (6:30ish) because we had friends stopping by and also some of us needed to do a shot. Turned out our friends had to leave shortly after arrival because their kid wasn't feeling well. Just as well since we were pooped. 

I didn't set an alarm for this morning so I slept late until 7 am. I woke up with a full bladder and intention to carry out the stupid task of taking another hpt. It was an expired strip but the line showed up almost immediately. It was also a lot darker than the line on 4dp. I don't think the strip is lying but I also know not to believe this might be happening for real. No real symptoms other than the full feeling in my uterus. It's become a more mild feeling and very much in the background. No more pulling, no more cramps, not really fluttering - just.... there. 

I started thinking ahead to calculating second beta and then heartbeat and then trimesters... I really had to pull the reins. Woah. Just woah. Calm down. It's really hard to not be excited when you see two lines, but I'm only hurting myself if I get ahead of things and it all comes shattering down. 

So Purim is over and we're starting to get ready for Pesach. I've already told my husband I don't want to host. That includes sleep over guests like his family. It makes everyone sad and I don't know how to solve the problem so that everyone gets a piece of what they want. 

I want: not to work hard, not to host

He wants: to spend time with his family, for his family not to be sad (which they will be if they're not invited).

My compromise:

- option a: buy all prepared foods

- option b: have them in a neighbor's house (not available)

- option c; not have them at all 

- stay in a pesach hotel nearby

His compromise: 

- stay in a regular hotel 1.5 miles from his parents. 

We'll see. 

FET 6: 3dp6dt (2/26/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I did something bad. Really, really bad.

I poas. 

I took a home pregnancy test on day 2 post transfer. 

What was I thinking? I knew with absolute certainty that it was too early. I knew that it would be negative. I knew it would depress me. 

And yet..... maybe......... maybe?.........

No. 

Not maybe. Not even a little bit. Completely stark white. One hundred percent negative. 

Of course it was. What was I expecting? I knew that it was too early. Only rare exceptions and liars start seeing something that early (as I found on Google). 

I tried making myself feel better that it wasn't fmu and that it was too early and that there's still a chance. But the damage was already done. There's a crack in the hope and the negativity is seeping in. I turned to my husband for reassurance. He was so sad. Then he realized oh wait it's super early. Stop taking tests. Please don't poas again. I realize the failure hits him hard too and he may also want that bubble of hope until beta. That I was shattering it for him too when I decide to test early.  

I made it worse. 

I needed reassurance, something, anything, to tell me there's still a chance. 

First thing in the morning on 3dp6dt I poas again. Again I knew the answer before I even dipped. Again I knew it wouldn't be good. Again I knew it would just make things worse when I didn't see any kind of reassurance, because it was just too early. But I did it anyway. I couldn't help it. I remembered from FET 3 back when I was doing pee sticks that I started seeing something on day 3 and was hoping this would be the same. 

But... again... nothing. Not even a shadow of a something. Not even a hint. Not even after two hours. 

There were no tears. Just sadness. I've resigned to the fact that this may not work. 

There's no reason to poas. There's nothing it can guarantee. Even if it's positive it can't tell me that it's going to last past a chemical pregnancy. If it's negative it could be because it's too early or because the hcg just hasn't accumulated yet. Back at FET 3 I started seeing a line on 3dpt and rejoiced at the line getting darker every day... until it wasn't. Some time around day 10 the line was still there but it wasn't getting darker. In fact it was getting slightly lighter. What was going on? My beta came back in the 60s and a second blood test a few days later confirmed the chemical pregnancy was over. So what did I gain? Happiness for a split second in time? So much happiness to just be shattered to pieces days later? 

I don't gain anything from finding out early. My need to know is second to my need for sanity. Logically I know I need to stop testing. I've used up most of my will in the past two cycles. I'm tired and I'm burned out and it's really hard to resist the temptation. 

You know what helps? Discovering my pee sticks are expired. Whether or not that makes a difference doesn't matter because I've convinced myself that they're bad. They expire 2/2018 so they're technically still ok maybe? But I'd rather believe not so that I can use it to prevent testing and any unnecessary meltdowns. 

Maybe I'll test morning of beta - that way there won't be too long a delay in finding out real results. See? There I go again with the impatience. 

The only thing that will give us an answer is time. I need to know the answer so I can manage my expectations, but any answer I get today will be inaccurate.

How is it still only Monday? I haven't thought about it in almost thirty minutes. 

FET 6: 2dp6dt (2/25/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I started to notice that familiar cramping/butterfly feeling about three hours after the transfer. It comes and goes and when it's not there I miss it. I know it's not progesterone symptoms because I've been on PIOs for over a week and I only started feeling it after transfer.

Friday night we hosted our guests. They left around 10 pm which is a little early but all four of us were yawning and it was just right. It was a lovely evening and it was a great idea to have guests to keep my mind occupied for the evening.

That big lunch I had on Friday came back to haunt me in the middle of the night. I got woken up at 3 am by stomach aches and went to the bathroom but even after two trips it wasn't done. So instead of going back and forth to bed and bothering my husband, I sat on the couch to read and ride it out. At 5 am my husband comes to find me asleep on the couch with a crick in my neck. I went back to bed with no more interruptions.

Shabbat morning we went to shul for Parshat Zachor. It was crowded as expected. When we got home I was sitting on the couch when I turned to look outside the window. When I turned I got a sharp pain in what felt like my left ovary. An involuntary "ouch!" escaped and scared my husband but the pain wasn't that bad, just surprising. I remembered clearly getting something similar last transfer in the afternoon two days after the transfer (not one day). Who knows if it means something or not. There was no more sharpness to the pain but it was a dull ache for the rest of the day. I tried stretching to get it to loosen up but I don't think it's a pulled muscle I can fix. I'm not putting heat on it. It will hopefully loosen on its own. In the meantime I'm scrutinizing every twinge and every symptom.

I took a nap in the afternoon and went out to meet a friend on Sat night. I didn't get to bed until after midnight but I barely slept more than 5 hours.

Eleven days until beta.

FET 6: Transfer day (2/23/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Officially pupo!

I can't even remember the start of the day. I got semi dressed to take out the trash. Then go back in bed with coffee to watch Today. I showered last night right before the massage and planned to be home by noon and shower then go to the clinic. So I got dressed and went to work. Got little done and left at noon. I decided to stop at the grocery to pick up soap and milk, among a few other items. I was supposed to drink my 16 to 20 oz at noon, but I figured I'll drink when I get home.

I got home at 12:15. And went to the bathroom. When I was back on my phone I saw my nurse had emailed w subject line: Transfer. Heart pounding I started going through all the scenarios why she would be contacting me minutes before we leave to go to the clinic. So I fumble to get my password in and read the email. I see that she wrote, "glad the transfer went well!"  I instantly type back, "haven't been there yet. What do you mean??" And since she didn't respond within seconds I called. Luckily for everyone she picked up in the second ring because I was about to Lose. My. Shit. My hands were shaking when she answered. I had assumed that they put my transfer in someone else. That's the only reason right??? She apologized and said she looked at the thaw report. The thaw was ok. She was premature on sending the email. Story of their life right? This is basically what happened a few weeks ago when the nurse looked at the info wrong. I told her that I'm about to go for the transfer and when they ask why my blood pressure is through the roof I'll blame her.

What hell. Never a dull moment. This clinic is such a disaster. At some point I'm going to write out all my grievances so that I don't forget with time. Throughout the morning I kept going to the bathroom. At first it was normal then kept getting softer.... nervous shits.

So it's 12:30 by the time I drink my water. It's 30 min past the time but whatever. We got ready to go and arrived in time at 12:45. I ran to the bathroom (one of the nurses yelled out "only a little!" thinking it was my overfull bladder) and had a mess with #2 but trying not to let all the pee escape.

We had the transfer. I was emotional but tried not to cry bc I didn't want to mess up the speculum/catheter and ruin it all. Held my husband's hand throughout. Took a selfie while we were waiting before doc got there. Got a picture of our embryos and it was over before we knew it. Back home by 1:45.

I had lunch when we got home because I was starving: scrambled eggs w swiss slice, bagel w cream cheese, 2 grillers, 3 mini hamentashen, and pineapple. Weather is cloudy and drizzling and chilly.

Now I'm watching Louis CK and Jim Gaffigan. And keep reminding myself- oh right! That happened! It's 3:17 and I'm chilling before showering for Shabbat and having our guests.

We're both optimistic about this transfer. It was rough getting to this point but we're pretty zen with the decisions that got us to this point. Now we just need stickage!!!

Over before it began: PUPO no more

At the end of February we had our sixth transfer. As we'd agreed, my husband and I didn't tell anyone. True to our pact, I didn't tell family, friends, or post anything about it. I did write and I have about 12 unpublished drafts about the journey.

It was going well until yesterday evening just after 5:00 pm when I started bleeding. It started with a huge gush of heavy, bright red blood and followed by large clots. There was absolutely no warning at all. Even though it was the first time that has happened, I knew immediately it was the end. I called the after hours emergency line and the nurse said to stay hydrated and come in in the morning. I didn't sleep all night and first thing this morning we went in to the clinic together. They took blood. Then they did an ultrasound. The doctor couldn't see a sac, and for how high my hcg was measuring it should have been showing clearly. It was all but over, we just needed to wait for blood results to confirm that hcg was dropping.

He couldn't explain why this pregnancy failed. He couldn't explain the massive bleed. He couldn't give me any reason for any of it. He wasn't unkind but he also didn't offer any reassurance or hope. Once again we were left alone in the room for me to get dressed and for us to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

When things were going well we couldn't believe it. We didn't talk about it, we didn't plan or dream or think ahead. We were just trying to take it one day at a time; one test at a time. Beta 1 came back at 686 on my birthday. It was a wonderful present. Beta 2 came back at 2738 on Monday, which was four days later and normal doubling time. Then, out of nowhere, on Tuesday 3/13 I started bleeding. It was immediately a lot and it was traumatic. The gory details are in one of the drafts I saved.

I'm not sure yet when I'll post the drafts. I want to but I don't think I'm ready. I felt it was important to preserve the timeline for multiple reasons. Some of the posts are just so full of hope and I don't know if I can read through them in prep for publishing. Maybe I'll just post the raw pieces, if at all.

I think we're done with this clinic. We transferred all our healthy embryos. We've signed forms to discard any nonviable ones that aren't getting transferred. We've given them three years of our lives, countless dollars, and seven tries. They had their chance and they blew it. Our account is clear and there's nothing holding us back from switching. Part of it feels like giving up. Part of it feels like a fresh start without all the baggage and terrible memories of the horrible news we kept getting. I'm not planning to make any major decisions before we have time to process but it helps me feel better to think ahead. I guess I'm not yet ready to give up on trying, as much as part of me wants this nightmare merry-go-round to end.

I got to work on time after dropping my husband off. I said eff it to my healthy eating and had coffee and cookies for breakfast. We're both so sad. We're doing normal things in the hopes that if we pretend everything is normal then the sadness won't wash over and engulf us. As my husband put it when I texted to check in on how he's doing: "mess packaged in pretty wrapper." The call came just after 1 pm. Levels dropped to 1237. It's officially over.

It hasn't really hit me. Maybe because I'm at work, trying to get through the day even though my mind is a million miles away. Maybe it will sink in when I have to tell my family of yet another loss. In the meantime I tear up and quickly regain composure before my face blotches over to the point of no return. My heart is heavy and truly it makes me most sad that my husband is sad. While logically I know it's not my fault because there was nothing in my control to change the outcome, I still can't help feel responsible that it's my body that keeps failing us. I'm the one who is supposed to carry our children, and for some reason my body keeps expelling them before they've had a chance at life. We've yet to see a live heartbeat on one of our transfers.

I know we'll be ok. I know we've been through this before and eventually felt hope again. But it gets harder with each loss. It gets harder with each healthy embryo lost. It gets harder when beta numbers grow stronger only to spontaneously abort without any reason. We've literally tried every single thing we were suggested. It's disheartening. It's depressing. It's discouraging. How much more can we go through? How many more cycles? How many more years? How much more money and heartache before we either succeed or give up?

Today I have no answers. Only sadness.

First of the season

It's been a long week. I wake up in the mornings feeling hung over and groggy and puffy. Morning nausea lasts until lunch time and if I eat a solid lunch then it simmers down to manageable levels. I've been uncomfortably gassy and running to the bathroom constantly with a lot of TMI. There's a special gross-factor about taking pills with water on an empty stomach, while nauseous, and knowing the pills will make them worse. But sometimes happens when I'm running late in the mornings.

All that pales to the anxiety. Today that boiled over. I was running errands, getting stuff ready for Shabbat and for my mom for Mother's day. I thought I should drink more water but figured I'd get to it as soon as I got home. I later had some cramps that were.... different. Then I went to the bathroom and found discharge that was... different. I freaked out. I started contemplating whether this is the beginning of the end. At some point the tears started and I just couldn't stop. I decided to take a shower to try to calm down.  Things took a turn when I decided to brush my teeth to get rid of the gross taste in my mouth. Between the tears, runny nose, and sobs I gagged on the toothpaste and then threw up. Luckily it was mainly water but the whole thing just upset me more. First barf of the season.

My husband heard and came over. He helped me clean up and did what he could to try to settle me down. It wasn't until I thoughtfully and purposefully made up my mind that everything is from Him and that there's nothing I can do either way, that I started to calm down. 

I had more thoughts but it's almost Shabbat. It's just insane to realize that infertility trauma is for life. It never goes away and there's no time you feel you can breathe easy. Every day is a miracle; every day we get closer is just one rung higher to fall if it all goes sideways.  Praying and hoping that doesn't happen. 

Shabbat shalom.

FET 5: 10dp6dt

Well, we've hit double digits for days post transfer. It seems like the days have taken forever while whizzing past at the same time. It's the last night before beta. Suddenly I'm scared for the 2ww to end. If we don't get good news tomorrow then this closes the chapter on FET 5, something we've been gearing up for, talking about, and preparing for for so long.

I've been trying not to cry all day. As distracted as I was at work, I still managed to get a few things done but not much and I don't have high hopes for tomorrow's productivity. I kept going over the possible outcomes in my mind over and over, good and bad. I kept going over things we did and wondering if there's anything we missed or anything we should have done.

Symptoms have changed which concerns me. No nausea anymore, not for a few days now. No sore boobs. Ever-present cramping, similar to period cramping. Bloating. Last night I googled "fet 2ww no symptoms bfp" to try and get some reassurance that symptoms or lack thereof don't mean that it didn't work. It was somewhat reassuring. I'm still worried.

I cried as I prepared the dosage for this evening's shots. I don't want this cycle to end until a healthy baby comes out. That's not up to me, though. Whatever happens is in His plan and I hope to have the strength to get through whatever comes next.

It's our hope that the next step is a good beta tomorrow. Wish us luck.

FET 5: 9dp6dt

My moods go up and down. Yesterday was an up day and I even allowed myself to daydream about calculating a possible due date. Today, not so much. I woke up feeling some period-like cramps which really bummed me out. It could be fine, it could be the end. The unknown is maddening.

I haven't tested yet. At this point I've thoroughly convinced myself that it would do more harm than good. Since I haven't taken any HPTs until now there's nothing to compare to see if the line is getting darker or not, so a negative would be awful but a positive won't quiet my mind either. No matter what I won't get any guarantees.

The what ifs are mentally exhausting and slowly driving me crazy. It may also be the hormones. Something is making me feel insane, though I'm told I'm putting on a good show. I snapped at my husband yesterday. I still think I'm right, but I recognize now I may have overreacted. I asked him to give me some wide space as a compromise. 

I'm tired of this game. I don't like this ride. I want the magical ticket to exit the merry-go-round and move on with my life. Can we just do that? 

Two more sleeps until beta.

FET 5: 7dp6dt

Haven't tested yet. Very mild symptoms today. I woke up feeling completely refreshed and lacked any kind of symptoms. Compared to yesterday's discomfort I found this surprising and mildly concerning.

Then I was just getting settled at my desk this morning when a wave of nausea hit, to the point that I couldn't do anything but let it pass. I had a bite of my lunch sandwich which helped. While I can't say I was thrilled about it, it was a welcome sign. At the very least it meant I remembered to take my gross medicine this morning. At best it could be a sign of better things to come.

Fresh challah

Other than that no news. I haven't felt any cramps or heaviness, though I did spend some time in the kitchen baking challah and working up a sweat kneading the dough. I sat down for a social media break and when I stood up I felt my uterus - nothing major just, "Oh yeah, that" kind of reminder. 

Shabbat shalom!

FET 5: 6dp6dt

Today was the first day back from vacation. It was a challenge to be dressed and awake for 10 consecutive hours! I woke up feeling nauseous and burping which made me nervous to take my gross morning pills. I didn't want to taste that the rest of the day but with breakfast and water it subsided.

I got to work on time and it was nice to be back to routine. I went through nearly all but a handful of the 238 emails that were waiting for me. Throughout the day I was actively working to stay hydrated. I also had another issue that I was gassy. Between managing a filling bladder, being gassy, and the occasional cramps things got interesting. The fuller the bladder the more intense the cramps got. It was a lot to keep track of  down there which made for an uncomfortable afternoon. I ate so healthy today and I'm not sure what caused the gas - fruit for breakfast, big salad from home for lunch, and no crappy snacks at all. I had a yogurt at some point and maybe it was past its best. Maybe it's another glorious side effect of these meds.

At one point during our afternoon staff meeting, someone asked the pregnant coworker if she's planning to get her cute belly cast. It's normal for my team members to make personal comments. As they were discussing belly casting and how fat they each got with their own pregnancies I was thinking to myself how difficult these conversations will be to keep hearing if our FET doesn't work while her pregnancy progresses. I don't wish anything bad happen to her c'vs, I just hope mine succeeds.

I've been trying to stay positive. This morning I called to schedule my beta test. I haven't felt the urge to take a HPT since yesterday morning. It doesn't get easier because I know that by now if anything stuck it would show up on a pee stick. But every day I avoid it gets me closer to beta. In the grand scheme of things I know it's "only" two weeks. It's worth the challenge to help stay positive. I'll take any help I can get.

FET 5: 5dp6dt

It's using up all my willpower to stay away from the pee sticks. The urge to test got really strong yesterday afternoon and I convinced myself not to since it wasn't fmu. I woke up this morning and held my bladder for a full 5 min in bed while I contemplated whether or not to test. Previous logic finally won and I didn't test.

In the past two transfers it wasn't getting a positive beta that was the issue - it's getting the numbers to continue rising and the pregnancy to stick around for a baby to grow. Peeing on a stick now won't tell me the future. If it is negative on the pee stick (falsely or not) then I'll be upset and have a harder time all the way until beta. At least not knowing lets me believe for a little longer and gives me ammo against the negative voice telling me it probably didn't work.

Thankfully Sunday's cramping subsided with rest. I still canceled Monday's lunch plans. I stayed home and relaxed throughout yom tov. Today is my last day of vacation and while I'm happy to go back to routine I still need to remember to keep taking it easy.

Last pregnancy at this time I had what felt like micro-cramping, sort of like butterfly wings. It had started right after the transfer and was constant until the pregnancy ended. This time it's more of a full/heavy feeling which started around day 2. When I move or twist I feel a sharp pull in my side, near the ovaries, depending which side I twisted to. Otherwise it feels like a light weight on my lower abdomen regardless of whether I'm standing or sitting. I noticed that drinking regularly prevents the cramps from getting stronger so I'm keeping a water bottle nearby at all times and take a sip whenever I notice it.

Also new this time is the nausea, likely due to the meds. It starts out as hunger and within seconds turns to nausea. I've tried to get ahead of it by not getting hungry but it happens no matter what. It usually hits around 10 or 11 am. I read online that prednisone can cause nausea and insomnia in some people. So you can take it in the morning and be able to sleep or take it at night and sleep through the nausea but wake up at like 3 am wide awake. I don't think there's a winning combo but we do what we have to just giving this embryo the best chance possible as best we know how. It's gross to force down water while nauseous so I take small sips and hope it adds up. 

My pineapple got almost all eaten. By this morning what was left of it was looking a little sad so I skipped it and had scrambled eggs instead. Beta in 6 days!

Careful what you wish for

It's 30 min before chag starts and I'm frantically googling cramping symptoms. Late this afternoon I started getting severe cramping on my right side, like a pulling feeling. I promptly parked my butt and sat with my feet up sipping water while searching on my phone. The sharpness went away with rest but I still feel it, like a dull ache in the background (mainly because I'm scrutinizing it carefully).

My 15-month old nephew was here earlier and, at a hefty 25 lbs, I decided not to pick him up even though he kept putting his hands up and hugging my knee. I just don't want to risk it. When I was in a sitting position I pulled him onto my lap not thinking twice and now I'm worried I did something.

Google consensus is that it's probably implantation cramping or PIO cramps. I'm still nervous. I know if I call the clinic they'll tell me to take Tylenol and stay hydrated so that's what I'm doing.

It caught me off guard. I was alarmed enough to tentatively cancel lunch plans tomorrow. I'm not risking walking a mile there and back if I'm still cramping tomorrow.

Hope it's good cramping. Chag sameach.

FET 5: 2dp6dt

Chocolate Nut Matzah Toffee

Erev yom tov again so I was back in the kitchen whipping up some goodies for second days: turkey chops, roasted chicken, Moroccan salmon, quinoa kugel, cheesecake, and some Matzah Toffee. I still have a few things in the freezer and we're going out for one meal so along with salads and matzah this should be plenty.

If the embryo is going to implant (if it hasn't already) I think today is its last chance, at least according to various articles I've read online. I made sure to take breaks and relax between putting things in the oven. During one of my breaks I was getting off the couch and felt a tight pang around my left ovary. Not sure it means anything and in any case it went away quickly. When I felt my body was ready for a break, I took a break. I had my pineapple and some honeydew for breakfast. I davened in the yard - it's another beautiful (hot) day.  The time I spent in the kitchen was a fraction of the time I would usually spend in prep for a holiday but I'm fine with that. I'd rather give the embryo the best chance possible. Literally everything else is secondary.

Now I'm alternating between hanging out on the couch or in bed with my feet up for the remainder of the day. My husband cleaned the floors and set the table for tonight. We're not having company so that I can take it easy the next few days. I'm on vacation until Thursday and plan to chill until then.

I'm worried about the what-ifs. I'm concerned about the lack of symptoms. I'm worried about beta day being a work day and having to be at work when results come in. I have a low-simmer anxiety in the back of my mind. As much as I want to, I can't help the negativity cycling through my mind and it makes me tear up every time I think that it didn't work. I'm trying hard to swallow the panic and fear and work on trying to assume the best instead.

Whether or not you're celebrating a holiday today, hope it's a great day full of love, peace, and happiness.

FET 5: 1dp6dt

Day 1 post transfer. Trying to enjoy pupo status.

I've been having intense symptoms for a few weeks because of the new meds, like nausea and cramping. I was told that my meds could hide pregnancy symptoms, if any, and so far that's proving true. I know it's too early for actual symptoms yet I was extremely nauseous this morning. I left shul early. Other than nausea I'm having mood swings. One minute I can be fine, the next I'm close to tears.

When I didn't feel cramping today I started to cry. My last transfer I felt light cramping nearly immediately and when I didn't feel it now I thought it meant the transfer didn't work. My husband made me feel better by reminding me that it's still early and the embryo may be taking its time implanting, beside the reminder about the meds hiding symptoms.

I decided to try not taking HPTs again, like last cycle. There's nothing a pee test will guarantee and knowing early doesn't prevent miscarriage. If I don't test then I get to hold on to the hope until beta when I'll know for sure one way or the other. I'm trying to stay positive and take it day by day. If I test and it comes back negative I'll be devastated and it might even be a false negative anyway, so why do that to myself.

This is honestly the hard part of any cycle. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental game that's hardest for me. The 2ww; the not knowing; the what ifs; the fear of another failure. I read back some of my posts from FET 4 to compare daily symptoms. I made the mistake of reading past the betas into the heartbreaking days of when my pregnancy suddenly ended. It hurts my heart.

We are hoping and praying this transfer goes down a better path.

FET 5: Transfer day

I wanted to make sure everything that needed to get done was taken care of before we left for our appointment. Took care of hauling the trash out for pickup, got some veg and fruit for shabbat, took food out of the freezer for dinner. I went to buy a few cases of seltzer so that we would be well stocked and I wouldn't be tempted to go get them during the next two weeks. While I was at the store I also got a pineapple. Why not. I took the time to daven and shower before getting ready to leave.

At 11 I emptied my bladder and drank my 16 - 20 oz of water. We got to the clinic at 11:30 for our noon transfer. After checking in, we were called back to the transfer room at exactly noon. As expected my blood pressure was really high 158/95. It always is the first time they check, though that's unusual so I think the tech did it wrong. Of course it is - I'm nervous and trying not to leave puddles on the floor. By noon my bladder was very uncomfortable. By 12:15 PM we were still waiting and my bladder was borderline distressed.

Just as we were debating whether or not to poke our head out the door, the doc shows up and we get the show rolling, checking IDs and signing forms. Doc put in the speculum and there was too much pressure from my bladder which made it keep sliding out, so they had to get a longer speculum. Once everything was in place they called for the embryologist and there was a minute wait while we waited for the embryo to arrive. The doc asked if we have any questions. At this point, what can we ask already? I wracked my brain to take advantage of this opportunity but all I can think of was that I just want the embryo to stick, just stick, let this be it. I also couldn't focus on too much because the nurse doing ultrasound was pressing on my belly and it took all my effort to not pee on the table. Embryo was transferred and we were given instructions for the next two weeks until beta test. Before we were released they checked my blood pressure again and it was 111/67 which made me happy.

We were released with a picture and wishes for good luck. Now we wait. Stick, baby!!! Grow, baby grow!

FET 4: 5dp6dt

Today in a word: miserable.

My back pain is gone. In its place is a monster cold. I caught a cold and it's making me miserable. Stuffed nose, clogged ears, intense sinus pressure, and sore throat. I know I can take Tylenol so I will probably take some so I can sleep. I know that if my husband had this cold I'd tell him to stop being a big baby and that "it's just a cold." But goshdarnit, I can't focus on anything with this leaky mess. At some point during the day my tissues became sandpaper on my nose. I left work an hour early - I just couldn't anymore.

Speaking of work, someone made my Monday extra special by messing up one of my spreadsheets. In trying to sort the sheet by alpha order, this coworker sorted only one column, leaving all the other columns unsorted. This wouldn't be a big deal if the coworker didn't then save the spreadsheet before undoing this error. FFFFFFF. Not only was it a big deal eff-up, but I didn't have access to my backup. I asked IT if they can recover the old version of the spreadsheet. They could, but only from last night so all the work I had done this morning would be lost. We figured it out - basically had to recreate the whole thing. I stayed calm and worked through it. But seriously, if you're not sure how to use Excel, you can ask. At the very least, Google it! And for the love of Oprah, don't save something once you're messed up.

In pupo news, I haven't tested yet. I don't think I fully thought this through because it gets harder, not easier, not to test every day. Every day it's a challenge. By day 5 last cycle I already saw a clear, albeit faint, line. Tomorrow morning will be 6 and I know that if something took it would show up. But I'm really trying not to test. I tested last time and what good did it do? My mood for the day entirely depended on the results and it was a daily roller coaster. In the end what good did it do - nothing. It just raised our hopes so much only to be crushed later. I want to avoid it if possible. If I test tomorrow and it's blank, I'll be devastated but still hopeful that the next day will be different. I'll try to rationalize it and figure out when is too early. I can't do that to myself daily. In another week we will know for sure.

Technically I'm supposed to go in on Tuesday for the beta, but because of the holiday they moved it up a day. They like to limit the number of people who come in on holidays and weekends whenever possible. They scheduled it in a way that if I have to come back two days later for a second beta, it wouldn't be on the holiday itself. Works for me - one less day to wait.