Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Ripple effect

In January 2016 I was two IVF cycles and two failed FETs into our journey and feeling devastated and lost. I started looking online for support, for other people who have gone through similar challenges. I wanted to see how they dealt with the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. It was then that I started the blog to sort out my feelings and found a community of women going through fertility treatment.

One of the first blogs I found was Dreaming of Diapers. I felt her hope through her pain. I felt her perseverance and willingness to do absolutely anything to give her embryos a chance. Mostly I felt her strength. Even through the tears, even through the struggles, even through whatever headed her way. Over the years as I read her posts I was gutted at her setbacks; I was elated when she shared good news.

I've yet to personally meet any of the ladies whose blogs I follow, but their stories come alive in their writing and I know there are real people behind the screen. When one shares news it has a ripple effect and we all feel it. This week I'm thinking about her. It wasn't just another failed FET... it was the final one. There's no "at least..." comment that's appropriate to comfort someone who got a negative result. There's nothing I can say or do that will lessen the blow of that news but even though we're across the country and I can't be there to hold her hand, I hope she knows my heart is with her.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Tired

I don't think it's a physical tired but it is manifesting physically. I'm so tired of what's happening on the news and around the world. I'm emotionally drained from constantly cringing at what's happening. I'm scared to become numb to the craziness. It's not normal. It's not ok. But can it be fixed? Is it reversible?

I read an article written by a victim of the disgusting gymnastics doctor and it stuck with me. Helpless child; unknowing parents. She just kept going back over and over thinking that it's for medical reasons, too young to know it was wrong and too naïve to know to bring it up to her parents, fearing they may make her quit the sport if they knew how much pain she was in. It makes me ill when I think about it; I can't even imagine what his victims living with the memories feel.

The gun violence; the planned parenthood drama; the constant discussions about police brutality; the rising cost of healthcare; looming recession; the fact that nothing can get done in our government because everything is wrapped in unlimited red tape and bureaucracy. Nothing is moving forward. People are literally dying and nothing is changing.

What's happening in the White House is so beyond. I have a hard time putting into words how much the lack of decency and honor bother me. There are still people who support him vocally and I just can't even listen to them. It's such a touchy subject that I prefer not to even start the discussion, in person or online. I don't even follow the news that carefully - just the highlights once or twice a day spoon-fed to me by news anchors on the TV while I'm cooking or folding laundry, trying hard not to pay too much attention. Even the late night comedians seem to have lost the spark of humor.

It's not even about the scandals or the ridiculous comments or the narcissistic insanity. It bothers me so much that he constantly and consistently lies about everything. It doesn't matter if a past clip shows the exact opposite of what he says today. How can you respect someone who is so out of touch with reality? How can it be expected to trust him to lead the country?

I was feeling particularly blah the other day. I was putting my groceries on the belt at the grocery store, minding my own business. It was close to 9 pm, way past my prime and I definitely not looking my best, but I had gotten in my head that I need melon and my husband was traveling. A woman behind me tried to get my attention, "Excuse me..". I internally rolled my eyes and prepared to say no thank you to whatever she was selling or offering or collecting. As I turned around, she hands me a paper and says, "Do you have more than $50 of groceries? If so I have an extra coupon for $10 off." I managed a smile and I think some word of appreciation got to her before she turned around and left - I don't remember exactly because I was still mentally readjusting from my earlier prejudice.

Such a simple gesture. Such an impact on my mood. It wasn't so much what the gesture was; it was the fact that another human reached out and tried to make a complete stranger's life a tiny bit better. The coupon was expiring and she could have easily tossed it on her way out rather than taking a minute to offer it to someone else.

I'll admit I was inspired. On my way to the car I noticed that there were two shopping carts in the handicap spot near the store. Knowing there's usually no cart collector at that time of day, I moved the carts out of the way so that the spot can be cleared for the next person. I was hot and sweaty (my usual these days) but it took only a minute out of my time. Again, so simple yet maybe it would impact someone who needed that space.

I can't fix the world or politics, and I don't know what will happen in the White House. But I can improve my own mental health by these small acts and in the process they may even make a difference in someone else's day.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Renos update plus

Renos are moving along. Roof is done. Room one is painted. Room two is patched up (from roof leaking water damage) and painted. The only thing left is the floors for the patched up room and LR/DR/Kitchen. I need to order the floors and they to be installed. I'm really hoping it will all be done before labor day. I'm so done with the contractor traffic, with the mess, with things being out of place. Thankfully the dust and trash has been contained but I want it to be finished and to get a crew to come clean everything.

It's common in my community to offer a meal train for new moms to help out with dinner for the first few weeks after birth. I've set up the meal train for several friends and family members when they've given birth and over the years I've signed up to take homemade meals for countless people. I have a long list of thoughts about this concept but in general I see it as a positive. For now, I have two concerns for setting one up for us.

My first concern is that my friend groups overlap between religious, not religious, and not Jewish. I'm trying to figure out a respectful way to write that we keep a strictly kosher home without offending anyone. People who don't keep kosher know and understand that if they want to sign up they order takeout from a kosher restaurant. It's the wide-range of kashrut among different people that concerns me because there are people who feel like they keep kosher but it's not necessarily to my standards. I would never impose my beliefs or stringency on others but it's different if they're bringing something to my home.

Second, the person setting up mine, also a planner, asked me to send her a list of email addresses for people to send the link to once it's relevant. Do I add everyone? Will people feel bad if they're not on it? Will they feel pressured if they are? What if we're friendly but not friends? It feels like a lot of pressure to put people on the spot but maybe that's not how they see it, especially since it's so common? Originally I didn't want it on my fb profile but now that I think about it maybe that's a better way to share the info? I don't know.

I'm still wearing some of my regular clothes but I've also finally added maternity clothing to the rotation out of sheer necessity to be comfortable. When I wear maternity that highlights the bump, it's obvious. Otherwise I can get away with a regular tshirt and just look like I've gained weight. The other day I wore a stretchy non-maternity skirt to work. That was a mistake. It got increasingly tighter as the day wore on. By mid-day I was no longer effective at work and was just ready to snap off anyone's head who came near me. I have a very low tolerance to being hot, sweaty, or uncomfortable and I already have to work harder on to my patience. Most days I come home and peel off every layer of clothing, take a cold rinse, and put on a thin tshirt dress to lounge around in. The fans are working in every room, sometimes a rotating fan in addition to the ceiling fan. Overall no complaints; it's a small price to pay for the privilege of where we are.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Work project

There's an office equivalent of a train wreck about to happen with an upcoming project at work. I've voiced my concern about it and mentioned it a few more times as the project progresses but it seems that the issues I brought up aren't a concern to anyone else.

I can visualize the catastrophe about to happen. I feel like if I keep talking about the issues after it's been decided to move forward it may be seen as negative or not being a team player. I'm worried it will end up falling on me to fix the problem after the fact and no amount of "told you so" will be helpful to anyone.

It's not rocket science and it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. No puppies or children will be hurt in the process. It's just annoying. I seem to be able to see so clearly what a giant cluster this is becoming and everyone else has rose-colored glasses on trying to be positive and innovative.

It's fine. It will be fine. Maybe there's a chance I'm wrong? We'll see how it goes.

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