IVF 7: Embryo watch

Of the 21 eggs retrieved, 17 were mature, and 13 fertilized. Today, day 2, they're still watching 13. Last retrieval we had 18 at this point and only 2 made it to biopsy, so we're really working on managing expectations.

Recovery is going much better than last time. New this cycle, I started drinking electrolyte-infused water (Core brand) a few days before retrieval. I also took Colace proactively the night of retrieval instead of waiting for an issue. The first night after retrieval was pretty similar to past recovery, but other than that it's been a night and day difference. There's still bloating but not nearly as uncomfortable. There's no constipation at all. By today, two days post-retrieval, I'm feeling almost back to myself. I'm still really tired and there's definitely some residual bloating, but it's not the terrible discomfort I had in previous cycles. I hope the easy recovery continues.

Tonight is the 6th night of Chanukah. I barely had time to register the holiday and it will be over before we know it. We took on the minhag of screen-free time during the first half hour of the candles being lit. It's an effort to just be in the moment and enjoying the holiday which usually flies by in the blink of an eye.

IVF thoughts

Thursday evening was really tough for me. I was feeling all the sads. I had a rough day, noticing triggers and feeling sensitive about my lack of progeny but I held it together until the evening.

For example, at one point during the day my boss turns to me and asks, "Hey how old are your kids now?"  It's such a given that someone like me at my age would have kids. I seem the type to have kids. And it's unlike my boss to forget something like that, but it happened.

It wasn't just that. I was at a Lunch and Learn that afternoon and introduced myself to the person sitting next to me. She said she signed up for this to "get out of the office and maybe be inspired for baby names." Wth? Out of 40 people, I happen to be next to the person who is expecting. I wasn't sure I heard right and didn't want to assume, so I didn't mention it. I also didn't have it in me to feign interest in this stranger's pregnancy, even though she was clearly interested in talking about it.

There were little things like that all day. In the evening I was upset that we can't make the Israel trip work. Beside for not having the days off, we just don't have the chunk of overlapping time off work to make it happen this year. It was the last straw and I just broke down in sobs. In part for feeling stuck in this phase. In part because I'm hormonal again. In part because I'm scared for this cycle. In part because I'm sick of wanting something so badly and continuously putting my heart on the line only to have it crushed time and again.

All I want is a normal vacation. I want to have time to relax and time to see new things. I don't want to blow thousands of dollars on a whirlwind trip I won't have time to enjoy. But the other places I want to go (i.e., that have a beach and warm weather) are off limits because of effing zika. If I travel to Florida, my clinic requires waiting 8 weeks prior to attempting pregnancy. If I find a tier C location I want to go to, we'd be using up vacation days that can't use later in case we can make an overseas trip work in the summer. But we can't plan for the summer because we don't know what will be treatment-wise.

It's frustrating not to be able to plan. It's frustrating that our personalities or jobs (read: his) don't allow for spontaneous travel. I can usually keep my emotions in check but I think my hormones are playing a big part in this mess. I was going from feeling sad to giddy in seconds. One second freezing but then I'd turn on my space heater and start to sweat. My mind was foggy and I couldn't focus.

For anyone who has gone through multiple cycles before success, it's a mixed bag of feelings going in to a new cycle. On one hand, you have the history of the previously failed cycles weighing heavily on your shoulders: the memories of anxiety waiting for results, the rush getting to appointments in the mornings multiple times a week, fighting traffic and worrying about being pushed to the back of the queue if you're late, the bloating and discomfort, the pain of the retrieval and recovery, and the highs and lows of embryo reports leading up to biopsy day.

On the other hand, it's a cycle in a bubble. In other words, past success or failure has no bearing on the results of this cycle, which means that there is fresh hope. There's also the experience under your belt, so you know how to mix meds and injections aren't daunting. You know to log your shots so you don't lose track of inventory. You know to drink water before bloodwork, not only the day of but the night before, to help prevent "flat" veins. You know to keep a spare pair of socks in your purse because it can get chilly in the room waiting for the ultrasound. You know to prepare meals for day of and day after retrieval because you'll likely not feel like doing much those days. You know to prepare soup and gatorade for the day and day after. You know to expect mood swings and not to freak out when they happen. I'm sure there are more that I'm forgetting.

At the end of the day it's a stressful several weeks but over quickly, hopefully. The two weeks of shots, followed by a stressful week of embryo growth and updates, followed by anxiety for two weeks waiting for PGD results.

If one day I'm lucky enough to become a mother I'll know all these sacrifices were worth it. I know that there's no way I'd trade a vacation over treatment so at the end of the day I am doing what I want; I just can't have it all right now. One day, maybe.

Tips and Suggestions

Before starting my first IVF, I googled symptoms and things to know. I found blogs, articles, youtube videos, and countless message boards that had a plethora of information. Many, many women have gone through this before and they were all happy to share their experiences so that it may help someone else.

 

Helpful things that were suggested included Gatorade and heat packs for after the egg retrieval; expecting discharge after the trigger shot; staying off Google; not being afraid to ask questions; common symptoms; and much more. 

 

To add to those, here are a few things I now know after going through three IVF cycles and two FETs


IVF tips:

• Write things down during stim stage/monitoring: dosage, time, where injected, bloodwork results if available. This will come in handy in keeping track of injections and appointments. It was also helpful for comparison in future cycles.
• Stim shots aren't so bad.  Stay calm, find a routine, keep track of your meds to reorder as necessary.
• Have the nurse draw circles on your upper-butt for the trigger. Take a mental (or real, if you're into that) picture so that you can refer back to it for PIO shots later on. After a while the person injecting knows the area, but for the first few times when you're nervous and hyper-focused on everything, it helps to have a visual aid.
• Under normal circumstances, bloating after egg retrieval starts to feel better after about 2 - 5 days. Take the day off for egg retrieval and the day after. It's worth the rest.
• Invest in a heating pad for after the egg retrieval. Heat helps relieve some of the discomfort.
• Don't be a hero: take the pain meds if you're uncomfortable after the egg retrieval.
• Don't lie on your right side after egg retrieval for first 36 hrs. After lying on my right side in an earlier cycle, my shoulder hurt for a week. I don't quite get it, I just know it happened and the doc said it's normal. The next time I avoided lying on my right side and it didn't happen.
• Gatorade helps with getting electrolytes and sodium, but some people get stomach issues from it. Once I figured out this was what was giving me issues, I limited Gatorade to less than one 20 oz bottle per day. Instead I substituted lots of homemade chicken soup which was prepped and frozen in advance.
• Drink lots and lots of water, especially the first two days after egg retrieval.  It will make you have to pee a lot, and peeing is so uncomfortable after the retrieval, but do it anyway. It will flush out whatever crap you have in your system and help you feel better sooner. Drink! I aimed for 70 oz the days following retrieval, beside for the Gatorade/soup. It really helps.
• Message boards online can be really helpful, but don't get sucked in.
• Waiting is hard; prepare for it
• Have a strong support system - find a friend or family member for the tough days you need a shoulder.

Tips for FET:

• PIO shots are uncomfortable, but a lot more efficient than the inserts. I've never used the inserts but general consensus says they're messy and icky, so I've opted for the shots both times.
• Warm up the PIO in your hands or bra for a min or two before injecting. This helps make it more viscous and easier to inject.
• Have someone else do your shots if possible. My husband is the most squeamish person when it comes to blood, but he sucked it up and did his part. Since IVF is mainly all about her, this was a good way for him to be involved in a helpful way.
• Rotate the injection spot! My husband gave me the injections and we found a comfortable rhythm in injecting the right side with me lying on my stomach on the couch and taking all the weigh off the side being injected. We would do 3 rights to every 1 left. Pretty soon, the right side started feeling weird and numb - I didn't like it at all! It took 8 weeks after the negative beta to get back to almost full feeling.  So, make sure to rotate.
• Once you inject, massage. Really deep tissue circles. It was uncomfortable for a minute but it prevented those lumps everyone talks about. I noticed the difference on days we got lazy and skipped the massage.
• I didn't ice or heat the spot and injections were fine.  In my mind, icing the area defeated the purpose of warming up the oil. Going in to a cold muscle might make it congeal and leave a bump. I don't know the science behind it, but that was my thought process.
• Technically, you can inject yourself, but they say if you're doing it on your own to do it on your thigh (specifically in your quads). Getting the right angle in your own upper-butt is hard enough, but once you inject you also have to draw out slightly to check for blood and make sure you didn't hit a vein (if there's blood, you have to pull out entirely, change needles, and try again). Unless you're super flexible, that's pretty hard to do, and if you get the angle wrong it hurts more the next day. 
• In addition to the awkward angle, injecting yourself with a big-ass needle is hard!  My husband was out of town one night during our 2ww and I needed to take my shot. I did it in my thigh and not only did it take FOREVER for me to work up my nerves to stick myself with that enormous needle, but it huuuuuuurt so much. I felt it go in the muscle and nearly gagged. It was a numbing/pain that became soreness in the next hour and settled in for a two days.
• Del Estrogen shots weren't so bad - I did those myself in the thigh. Luckily it was only every third day so I'd throw a tiny dance party right after, knowing it's the longest possible time until I needed to do that again.
•  It's so hard to wait. Be prepared for it: fill up your queue with good TV, set up outings with friends, find an engrossing hobby, do your best to keep your mind off of it.
• For the times that distraction doesn't work, try to manage your expectations. I was never good at this.
• As hard as it is to wait, it's even harder to avoid taking home pregnancy tests. I've never been able to avoid it, but I want to say that next time I won't test (yeah, right).  It was so hard to keep doing the shots when I didn't see any results in the pregnancy tests.  I had a meltdown after FET #2, sobbing that it didn't work because there was nothing on the pregnancy tests. It was still a week before the beta and there was no guarantee that it did or didn't work, but I worked myself up and I'm sure the stress didn't help anything. 
• Stay positive and be nice to yourself!