FET 6: Beta #2 (3/12/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

Today is 5w1d aka 17dp6dt.

I went in for bloodwork this morning and they got it on the first stick - yay! I waited anxiously for results which came shortly before noon: beta came back at 2738. Wow, right? It's within the normal doubling range considering the first beta was 686 four days ago. I'll be honest and say that I was a tiny bit disappointed that the number didn't blow the doubling out the water. It was literally quadrupled from Thursday, minus six points. Was something wrong? Why is it a few points off from true doubling? I googled it and it seemed to be normal and fine.

So what's next? Ultrasound. They like doing an u/s when beta gets above 2,000 and/or around 6 weeks. So, assuming all continues well, six weeks for me is Sunday the 18th and the earliest we can do the u/s is Monday the 19th. However I want my husband to be there and Fridays are more flexible for him. I asked my nurse if it's ok to wait until 3/23. She responded that it's better to come in 3/16 which is two days earlier than the 6 week mark. All this was done over email so there was a long time between each response. I asked her what to expect on the appointment - I didn't want to go too early and be disappointed. I tried calling the front desk to schedule for the 16th but no one answered and I kept getting stuck in a hold loop. It was frustrating to try to get answers.

I'd rather go in on 23rd with more of a chance to see something. The u/s from May when they discovered the blighted ovum is still fresh in my mind and I'm scared. Now that I think about it more, maybe they want to make sure it's not ectopic, but wouldn't the hcg numbers show that? Or other symptoms? I don't know. We're walking on eggshells here and worried about everything. I'll try to pinpoint an answer from my nurse in the morning.

None of it seems real. We haven't fully processed. We've been here before and it didn't exactly have the outcome we wanted. So we're just ignoring it. It's somewhere in the background of our life. We do the shots nightly. We talk about bloodwork or appointments as casually as we have as though it's just another cycle. We're not discussing the what-ifs or the could-this-be-it because it's just too surreal. It doesn't seem like it needs to be talked about yet. It might sink in if we see a heartbeat.

FET 6: 4w5d (3/9/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

This morning I felt cramps and they scared me. I wasn't sure if it was gas or something more ominous. I might still be digesting the enormous birthday dinner from yesterday. That's what I'm telling myself.

This just goes to show that it's impossible to "just relax." All this can end in a split second. It has before. On one hand I feel like I can't let my guard down - everything is so fragile. On the other hand I want to enjoy the happy moments as they happen. Last pregnancy I spent all my time worrying and waiting for the bad news. When it came it was devastating and no amount of thought or anxiety could have prepared me for it, so what did I gain by worrying all the time? 

I still can't help it but I recognize it's not ideal.

I'm scared to go to the bathroom. I'm worried about every twinge. 

How do people not know when they're pregnant? I don't understand how they can grow a human without realizing anything is different. Maybe I have more symptoms because of the PIO. I don't know. Then I think about all those unwanted pregnancies and how people wish them away, hoping they'll dissolve before it becomes a relevant baby. Or those moms who take shit care of their bodies eating garbage, smoking anything, or drowning in alcohol.... those pregnancies last through the nine months. I've seen those babies in the NICU, going through withdrawal and hearing their tortured cries. It's horrendous. Yet those pregnancies managed to hold on. 

Here I am taking vitamins and shots and eating whole grain and a specially crafted balance of carbs and proteins and fats just to get through each day and stay pregnant. 

Over before it began: PUPO no more

At the end of February we had our sixth transfer. As we'd agreed, my husband and I didn't tell anyone. True to our pact, I didn't tell family, friends, or post anything about it. I did write and I have about 12 unpublished drafts about the journey.

It was going well until yesterday evening just after 5:00 pm when I started bleeding. It started with a huge gush of heavy, bright red blood and followed by large clots. There was absolutely no warning at all. Even though it was the first time that has happened, I knew immediately it was the end. I called the after hours emergency line and the nurse said to stay hydrated and come in in the morning. I didn't sleep all night and first thing this morning we went in to the clinic together. They took blood. Then they did an ultrasound. The doctor couldn't see a sac, and for how high my hcg was measuring it should have been showing clearly. It was all but over, we just needed to wait for blood results to confirm that hcg was dropping.

He couldn't explain why this pregnancy failed. He couldn't explain the massive bleed. He couldn't give me any reason for any of it. He wasn't unkind but he also didn't offer any reassurance or hope. Once again we were left alone in the room for me to get dressed and for us to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

When things were going well we couldn't believe it. We didn't talk about it, we didn't plan or dream or think ahead. We were just trying to take it one day at a time; one test at a time. Beta 1 came back at 686 on my birthday. It was a wonderful present. Beta 2 came back at 2738 on Monday, which was four days later and normal doubling time. Then, out of nowhere, on Tuesday 3/13 I started bleeding. It was immediately a lot and it was traumatic. The gory details are in one of the drafts I saved.

I'm not sure yet when I'll post the drafts. I want to but I don't think I'm ready. I felt it was important to preserve the timeline for multiple reasons. Some of the posts are just so full of hope and I don't know if I can read through them in prep for publishing. Maybe I'll just post the raw pieces, if at all.

I think we're done with this clinic. We transferred all our healthy embryos. We've signed forms to discard any nonviable ones that aren't getting transferred. We've given them three years of our lives, countless dollars, and seven tries. They had their chance and they blew it. Our account is clear and there's nothing holding us back from switching. Part of it feels like giving up. Part of it feels like a fresh start without all the baggage and terrible memories of the horrible news we kept getting. I'm not planning to make any major decisions before we have time to process but it helps me feel better to think ahead. I guess I'm not yet ready to give up on trying, as much as part of me wants this nightmare merry-go-round to end.

I got to work on time after dropping my husband off. I said eff it to my healthy eating and had coffee and cookies for breakfast. We're both so sad. We're doing normal things in the hopes that if we pretend everything is normal then the sadness won't wash over and engulf us. As my husband put it when I texted to check in on how he's doing: "mess packaged in pretty wrapper." The call came just after 1 pm. Levels dropped to 1237. It's officially over.

It hasn't really hit me. Maybe because I'm at work, trying to get through the day even though my mind is a million miles away. Maybe it will sink in when I have to tell my family of yet another loss. In the meantime I tear up and quickly regain composure before my face blotches over to the point of no return. My heart is heavy and truly it makes me most sad that my husband is sad. While logically I know it's not my fault because there was nothing in my control to change the outcome, I still can't help feel responsible that it's my body that keeps failing us. I'm the one who is supposed to carry our children, and for some reason my body keeps expelling them before they've had a chance at life. We've yet to see a live heartbeat on one of our transfers.

I know we'll be ok. I know we've been through this before and eventually felt hope again. But it gets harder with each loss. It gets harder with each healthy embryo lost. It gets harder when beta numbers grow stronger only to spontaneously abort without any reason. We've literally tried every single thing we were suggested. It's disheartening. It's depressing. It's discouraging. How much more can we go through? How many more cycles? How many more years? How much more money and heartache before we either succeed or give up?

Today I have no answers. Only sadness.

FET 5: Beta 2

Thankfully, good news.

The call came at 1:30 PM, a full two hours later than the call earlier this week. It doesn't seem like a lot in hindsight, but when you're checking the phone every 30 seconds or so it feels like an eternity #shpilkes

My nurse directed me to make an ultrasound appointment for late next week so they can measure something? Sac placement? I'm not sure. Too early for a heartbeat, so definitely something else. When she specified "when you call the front desk to schedule, specify that it's an OB ultrasound so they put you in for the right amount of time," to which my immediate reaction was, "Shhhhhhh don't jinx it!" though thankfully the filter caught that one in time and it remained just a thought in my mind. The anxiety is real, daily, and insistent. I'm trying to keep superstitions at bay - what will be will be - though that's easier said than done. I know it can end in a second.

Thank you for all the love. I've gotten several emails and fb msgs from people saying that Blogger is giving them trouble with commenting. I'm touched not only that you're interested in my saga but that you also took the time to find a way to reach me and share your good wishes. Thank you! If it's easier, there's an anonymous post option where you can just sign your name at the end. Either way, I love hearing from you. I've opened a complaint ticket at blogger so maybe they'll be able to shed some light on it.

Hope you enjoy a wonderful weekend!

Pep talk

I originally wrote this out the night before first beta when I couldn't sleep. I still have similar symptoms, like cramping and nausea, but I'm back to worrying. Worrying about numbers; worrying about next beta; worrying about whether we'll make it to ultrasound.

Today was a busy day and I had an event in the evening which required a lot of coordination and walking around the building throughout the day. I tried my absolute best to "take it easy" while not compromising event integrity but I had my priority and that was making sure not to rattle anyone loose.

Tomorrow is second beta. The day of second beta at the last transfer was the same day as the Wegmans incident which happened later that day. I had major spotting and then next beta showed that the numbers plummeted for no apparent reason. I'm freaking about getting past third beta with numbers that are still good. In the meantime, this pep talk helped.

Dear self,

Regardless of what happens with results, remember that it's all part of Hashem's plan. He knows what he's doing. If it doesn't match up with what you want, your challenge is to accept it. It may not be easy.

Just because one day the answer to your prayers is "no" doesn't mean the answer will be no tomorrow. You have another chance to try again. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and hold your head up high.

You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have or should have done differently. This is the plan. You may not understand it, but everything happens for a reason. This is not the end. This pain is not forever. This will make you stronger and wiser. You may never know what happened. Sometimes the answer is that there is no answer.

You may be reading this through a curtain of tears, just like it's being written the night before beta when you can't sleep. Remember that no matter how much it sucks now, there is hope. There is good. There is a future. There is tomorrow.

Remember to be grateful for what you have. Don't be blinded by the grief of what you lost to lose sight of the blessings around you. You are a warrior and you will get through this. You deserve happiness and just because it didn't happen today doesn't mean it never will.

Take the time to be sad. Feel the way you want to feel. It's ok to be dejected when things go south. One day you will look back at this time and wonder how you got through it. The answer is one step at a time, lots of determination, and many tears. 

It's part of the Master Plan. Keep the faith. Believe that there's a greater plot line out there. Know that it happened this way for a reason. Find your peace with it and let that knowledge guide you forward.

4/24/17 at 11:42 pm

It's raw and unedited but it's a helpful message to keep in mind while waiting between appointments. It was a necessary reminder the night before first beta and it's helping to keep me calm tonight. Praying for good results and a doubled beta.

FET 5: Beta

It's good news!  

No adventures for bloodwork - no traffic, no waiting. When I got to work I turned my phone on silent and left it in my purse. My husband and I agreed to wait until the end of the day so we could listen to the news together.  Of course I kept checking my phone all morning, but once the doctor called at 11:30 AM and left a message I felt calm and completely at peace. I had the info at my fingertips - knowing a few hours before or after wouldn't have changed the outcome and I wanted to hear it for the first time together. It wasn't an easy challenge, but the practice of staying away from HPTs prepared me well.

We're cautiously optimistic. We've been here twice before so we know there's still a long road ahead. Continuing to take it easy. Continuing to stay hydrated. Continuing to daven and hope for the best. 

Tonight starts Rosh Chodesh, the beginning of the Jewish month, and this news reminds me of a particular phrase:

 זֶה-הַיּוֹם, עָשָׂה ה'; נָגִילָה וְנִשְׂמְחָה בוֹ

"This is the day which Hashem has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

So often in fertility treatment it's difficult to be present and live in the moment. This phrase teaches that it's ok to do just that. I've officially graduated from pupo to pregnant. There's a lot to be worried about, and the what-ifs don't automatically go away, but for today, it's good news. 

One step at a time

Part of me wants the extended weekend to last as long as possible. The weeks ahead are going to be busy at work and it's going to be non-stop until mid-December, so the break has been nice. Another part of me is anxious to get to the clinic for Monday's bloodwork and hear the next update.

Since the Wegmans incident there have been less and less symptoms. Cramping is nearly gone. My husband and I kind of stopped talking about it all together. The Wegmans incident really scared us. Every so often I'll get a twinge or feel something in my lower belly and remember, but for the most part we're trying to keep it in the back of our minds until we know more.

I haven't worked out since last Tuesday. We've taken walks around the neighborhood but nothing to work up a sweat. I've kept my feet up and drank a lot of water and tea. Spotting stopped but I dread going to the bathroom, worrying I might see something new. The bloating has gotten better, no headaches, no fatigue. My appetite is gone which is unusual for me but I'm probably just full from all the liquid trying to stay hydrated. The only symptom to report is a phantom tight-undies feeling. It feels like my pants or my skirt is just a hair too snug, but I know it's not the clothing because the feeling happens in the shower sometimes too.

Thinking about the what-ifs is exhausting. I find it emotionally draining to think about all the things that could go wrong, but I want to enjoy what could possibly be the beginning of our child's journey into the world. I'm trying my best to put the worrying on the back burner and try to take things as they come.

Happy Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I love that it's a no-stress holiday. I love that it combines things I love: family and food. I love that the one legal holiday turns into a nearly 5-day weekend!

Spotting slowed significantly overnight and changed to brown, so I take that as a good sign that its stopped and this is just whatever's left over. I've googled as much as I can and everyone on the internet says cramping is normal. They also say that bleeding isn't automatically a miscarriage, but to monitor closely. So my doc knows about it and I've done everything I could. Possible harmless causes are either implantation or the meds, none of the other explanations the internet offered were relevant. At this point whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

I tried to think back about my day yesterday wondering about what could have contributed. I realized that with all that was going on -- getting bloodwork, running errands, cramming everything I could into the half-day before we were dismissed for the holiday weekend -- I'd been basically fasting the majority of the day. I drank a bottle of water on my way to the clinic for bloodwork, but other than that I wasn't hungry and didn't think of eating until after 3:00 pm. The Wegman's incident (as we are now referring to it) happened about 12:40 pm and after that I really had no appetite. Is that the cause? I worked out on Tuesday, for the first time since transfer, and felt extra cramping but nothing too intense. Was that it? We'll never know. But I'm going to be more mindful about making sure to stay hydrated and take it easy.

I did my best to relax yesterday evening and fell asleep around 9. I was up early this morning but it was still dark and decided not to start my day just yet. I feel like the only thing I can do to help things is to just take it easy and keep my feet up, so I'm enjoying my pajama day on the couch and in bed, getting up occasionally to baste the turkey or get a snack. Thanksgiving and the long weekend couldn't have come at a better time.

The cramping has subsided a lot and I barely feel it when I'm sitting or lying down, unlike yesterday when it was active all day. I didn't think anything of it because I'd been having cramping since transfer day. I plan to park it until bloodwork on Monday and hope for the best.

While it may sound cliche, I feel truly blessed this Thanksgiving. Wishing you and yours a very happy turkey day!

FET 4, Beta 2: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good news is that my numbers doubled: they're up from 448 to 954.

The bad news is that I've been having intense cramping and around lunch started spotting heavily. I called my nurse in a panic and I was told that spotting is normal. She said there are a few reasons for bleeding at this stage, such as the meds causing it. She said that while it seems alarming I should try to relax and just keep taking the meds. It was reassuring enough to keep me from crying but not enough to make me stop worrying. Next appointment is Monday for third beta so if I'm in pain or have heavier bleeding I need to call the after hours line.

The ugly is that I had just gotten to Wegman's for some pre-holiday shopping when I decided I should use the restroom quickly first. It was there that I discovered the bleeding so in my freakout I just ran to my car to call the clinic. I didn't get any of the groceries I meant to buy and didn't realize until later in the day.

We're cautiously optimistic. The numbers doubled, as they should. But as soon as I saw the red my happy bubble burst and I realized that this could all end at the blink of an eye. I'm happy the numbers doubled and that there's still a chance that this will be ok, but I'm so worried. I'm trying not to assume the worst just yet.

FET 4: Beta

It's been a long and exhausting day but there are important updates and limited editing below.

Left the house at 7:00 AM and made it to the clinic by 7:30 AM. Waited for 25 min before being called for bloodwork. Back in the car at exactly 8:00 AM. Made it to the interview place by 8:40 AM which gave me time to find parking, look over some papers and use the restroom before the 9:00 AM interview. I met with three sets of people and talked non-stop until 10:45 AM. From there I went to meet a friend for coffee. I got home at 12:25 PM at which point I got the call from the clinic.

You know how they like to see a number above 100? You know what my number was? 448.

4. 4. 8.

The doc said the number, and I'm like 148? That's great! He's like no and repeated it. I'm like 248? Wow! I finally got it on the third time. 448!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that even a real number??? I didn't know numbers that high were even an option for first beta!

We told our parents and a close friend following our story. If you know me IRL please keep this news to yourself - we're obviously not ready to go public yet.

We're thrilled. I was so happy with the news. But it doesn't feel real yet. I couldn't sit still at home so I went in to work for the afternoon. They were actually texting me questions and because it's a short week they were time sensitive, so it was easier to just come in. It's fine - I enjoyed being around people with my little secret. In fact, meeting new people and learning about the new position in the interview made me appreciate my current job and team members even more.

It still doesn't feel real and every few minutes we remember and we're like, is this real? Is this really happening?? We're so cautiously happy, knowing that it's still so early and anything can happen. But for the time being... officially pregnant. Thank you Hashem. Thank you everyone who said tehillim.

Next bloodwork is Wednesday to confirm the number is doubling.

FET #3 Recap

For two glorious weeks post transfer I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. My boobs were sore, there was activity in my uterus in a way unlike I've felt before starting from transfer day. My underarms weren't as sweaty even though we were going through a heat wave and our AC was broken for the first week of the pregnancy.  Things tasted different, they smelled different. I excused these as side effects of the medication, not really believing that it was related to a pregnancy.

I took daily HPTs starting from day 3 and when I saw the faint line on day 5 I knew it worked. The line kept getting darker as the days progressed and I knew that things were fine. The positive line on the HPTs reassured me that things were ok and kept me calm. Friday before Beta #1 was the darkest it ever got, day 10dp6dt. By day 11 it stopped getting darker. By 13 it was the same as 11 but I was going in for bloodwork that morning and felt reassured I'll get an answer either way.

The answer was that by day 13dp6dt my HCG level was at 61.2. It wasn't good news, but there was hope because anything about 50 is considered viable. It wasn't until I spoke to my nurse on Tuesday that I started thinking something might not be ok. My body suddenly felt different. I no longer had the cramps or the sore boobs. I felt... empty. I knew it was different. By day 15 I ran out of test strips which didn't really matter because I knew it was over. I had some light brown discharge and the cramps felt different - more like period cramps, more like outer uterus than inner uterus cramping. I held on to hope because I had to, but I knew. On day 16dp6dt, or 4w3d, I got the results from the second beta that my HCG level dropped to 10.8.

Was it something I did? Was there anything I could have changed? I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know why a pregnancy doesn't take. I lifted a case of water last week, was that it? I got my eyebrows threaded on Friday, did that do it? The clinic said it was ok to have sex after 5dp the transfer but do they really know? Logically I know women do these things in early preg all the time even before knowing they're pregnant and they're fine. I'm concerned because we've transferred three normal healthy strong embryos and none of them have made it. What's going on?

To recap, here are things I did prior to the transfer. I don't know if they helped or not but I know I'll want to remember this for future cycles.

- Worked out regularly every other day, walking 2-4 miles each time in the weeks leading up to transfer and after.

- Ate healthy leading up to transfer day

- Got a massage evening before transfer

- Had pomegranate juice, pineapple, brazil nuts day of transfer and day after. Sporadically thereafter.

- Careful with prenatal pills - took one nightly since a month before transfer

- Kept warm after transfer (AC was broken which helped this one)

I can't believe it's over.

The wait was so hard and so agonizing, and at the time it felt like things were moving so slowly. At the blink of an eye it's all over and we have to start again. We're left to collect the pieces of our shattered hearts and broken dreams.

Meltdown

I kind of had a meltdown this morning before work. I had the tiniest bit of tan color on the TP this morning and it made me so sad and so sure that it's all over. I couldn't stop crying and was worried I'd have to take the day off work since I can't go as a blubbering mess.

As of noon today the cramps are back but they feel like period cramps and I'm scared to look every time I go to the bathroom. I'm having weird discomfort around my cervix. Can I even feel that? I don't know - that's what I'm assuming it is.

My nurse said that if things progress I'll have to be on the shots until about 10 weeks. Even though I'm running low I decided I'll only place the order if the numbers from tomorrow's bloodwork indicate that's necessary.

I told my mother the news. I went over to the house this morning on my way to work. It was scary! We chatted about random stuff for about 10 minutes while my heart was pounding trying to figure out how to best tell. Now I get why people get funky with the reveal. It was hard to actually say the words, especially when the situation is still so precarious and I'm so superstitious. I basically just said it and the reaction was immediate. She was so excited and so happy. I got a big hug and we cried together. Once I caught my breath I explained that the numbers are low and that there's still a long road ahead. I explained that the numbers need to double now every time I go back for bloodwork until such time that they can do an ultrasound and so on. Here I thought the 2WW was the worst.

I kind of felt bad landing that on her at the beginning of the day but at the same time it felt like the burden was suddenly not as heavy to carry. She has plenty of experience with kid-related anxiety raising us so I'm not so worried about that. I'm not sorry we shared the news. I was happy to have the news to share and until I hear otherwise, I'm calling it what it is!

4w2d

I'm so bummed. I know it's not over til it's over, but things feel different.

For one, the cramping stopped. It's been a constant buddy since transfer day and this morning I just didn't feel it anymore.  For another, I took a HPT with fmu and the line barely showed up. I cried most of yesterday evening after reading what it takes for such a low beta to result in a healthy progressing pregnancy. It wasn't hysterical sobbing, just a quiet mourning and sadness of what's possibly to come.

I told my husband that we should have shared the news with parents while it was still relevant and we were excited, instead of just sharing a chem preg / miscarriage. He said that we can tell them tonight, before Thursday's bloodwork, and that it may still be ok. I feel like at this point we shouldn't get their hopes up only to possibly crush them tomorrow. Then again, the support and prayers would be appreciated so I might take him up on the offer.

Whenever I starting thinking about cutsie ways to announce the pregnancy I stopped short, not letting my train of thought run wild. I didn't calculate a due date. I didn't figure out with a calendar when each trimester would be done. I didn't come up with a list of friends I want to personally notify. I didn't think about a way to let my supervisor and her boss know. I didn't devise a cute plan of how to tell my coworkers. I put everything on the back burner - first I wanted to see a heartbeat.

I know there's technically still hope but none of the signs point to a good outcome from this and I'm so guarded about holding on to false hope. Even if tomorrow's bloodwork comes out shitty they still want to see me again on Monday to follow the progression, if any.  So we might not get a definitive answer tomorrow, but hopefully we'll know more. 

:'(

4w1d

I finally connected with my nurse late this afternoon. We played phone tag and then emailed a few times before she caught me on my way out of work.

She gave me an overview of the next couple of weeks and what we can expect, assuming things continue to progress. They want to see me for bloodwork every 3-4 days now. They want the numbers to at least double every time. Once the number reaches at least 2000, they do an ultrasound to determine the placement of the sac. After that I do an ultrasound every ten days for a total of 3. At that point, usually around 8 to 10 weeks, they release to the OB. Shots continue until that time.

I asked about the cramping and she said it's normal, even if it's intense at times. She said I should be concerned if it's localized to one side, if there's bleeding, if I feel clammy, or don't feel well otherwise because those are indications of an ectopic pregnancy.

I also asked about what happens if the number doesn't double on Thursday or beyond. She says that if it's close to double they'll consider it progressing, but if it only rises a little bit then they consider it stalled and that they would expect it to expel naturally. If not, they give a shot to help the body expel it. It sounded like she mentioned a drug given to cancer patients to make fast-growing cells stop growing, which make sense and sounds like a nightmare. It would be a shot given in the office, so it's serious business. They trust us with the PIOs so how horrible can this one be that they need the professionals to administer it. She wanted to answer my questions but at the same time felt the need to calm me down by saying let's take it one step at a time.

I told her I was concerned about the low number because I know that they usually like to see numbers slightly higher. She said that it's true, they do like to see numbers closer to 100 on the first beta but that she has seen cases where it's lower and the pregnancy still progresses normally. As long as it doubles at the next bloodwork and so on then the first number shouldn't affect anything. Still, I don't like hearing that the number is low.

At the end of the conversation when I was really rattled at all the things that could go wrong, I jokingly said, "So at no time do I get to sigh in relief?" and her response was, "Welcome to motherhood - this is forever!" So true.

At this point I'm just overall worried. I also stupidly took a HPT to try to reassure myself everything was still fine and got a super faint line, probably because my pee was so diluted from a day's worth of drinking. But seeing that faint line after hearing all the things that can go wrong just made me so sad and scared and worried.

There are no guarantees and I know this can be over in an instant. I hope it continues to grow and result in a happy healthy baby.

Grow, baby. Grow!

Beta #1

Introducing, for the very first time ever, the "pregnant" label!!!! Beta came back at 61.2 from this morning's bloodwork. According to betabase.info it is within the normal range even though it's on the lower end of the range and under the median. According to my clinic, they like to see a number above 50. I've been trying to stay off the message boards and Google.

It's so surreal. I told my husband as soon as I heard results and we celebrated silently via texts while we were each at work. We had originally decided to tell parents after we heard back the beta results but now that it's a real thing, we're not so sure we're ready to share the news yet. Next blood test is scheduled for Thursday and we're supposed to see the numbers double. I think we want to wait until a heartbeat, but we'll see.

I'm a little in denial. Thrilled, happy, calm. I'm enjoying it as it's happening but also very cautious about being too happy too soon. I put in a call to my nurse to ask a few questions: what happens after the second beta? At what point do we do the ultrasound to hear the heartbeat? How long do I have to keep taking the meds? When do I get released to my OB? Anything else I haven't mentioned? I'll probably hear back from her tomorrow.

This is uncharted territory. We've never been here before but we're glad we made it. Ahhh!