Pep talk

I originally wrote this out the night before first beta when I couldn't sleep. I still have similar symptoms, like cramping and nausea, but I'm back to worrying. Worrying about numbers; worrying about next beta; worrying about whether we'll make it to ultrasound.

Today was a busy day and I had an event in the evening which required a lot of coordination and walking around the building throughout the day. I tried my absolute best to "take it easy" while not compromising event integrity but I had my priority and that was making sure not to rattle anyone loose.

Tomorrow is second beta. The day of second beta at the last transfer was the same day as the Wegmans incident which happened later that day. I had major spotting and then next beta showed that the numbers plummeted for no apparent reason. I'm freaking about getting past third beta with numbers that are still good. In the meantime, this pep talk helped.

Dear self,

Regardless of what happens with results, remember that it's all part of Hashem's plan. He knows what he's doing. If it doesn't match up with what you want, your challenge is to accept it. It may not be easy.

Just because one day the answer to your prayers is "no" doesn't mean the answer will be no tomorrow. You have another chance to try again. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and hold your head up high.

You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have or should have done differently. This is the plan. You may not understand it, but everything happens for a reason. This is not the end. This pain is not forever. This will make you stronger and wiser. You may never know what happened. Sometimes the answer is that there is no answer.

You may be reading this through a curtain of tears, just like it's being written the night before beta when you can't sleep. Remember that no matter how much it sucks now, there is hope. There is good. There is a future. There is tomorrow.

Remember to be grateful for what you have. Don't be blinded by the grief of what you lost to lose sight of the blessings around you. You are a warrior and you will get through this. You deserve happiness and just because it didn't happen today doesn't mean it never will.

Take the time to be sad. Feel the way you want to feel. It's ok to be dejected when things go south. One day you will look back at this time and wonder how you got through it. The answer is one step at a time, lots of determination, and many tears. 

It's part of the Master Plan. Keep the faith. Believe that there's a greater plot line out there. Know that it happened this way for a reason. Find your peace with it and let that knowledge guide you forward.

4/24/17 at 11:42 pm

It's raw and unedited but it's a helpful message to keep in mind while waiting between appointments. It was a necessary reminder the night before first beta and it's helping to keep me calm tonight. Praying for good results and a doubled beta.