Wednesday, July 31, 2019


These days the highlights include unprovoked weeping seemingly without reason, finally sharing news with work people, and some home reno updates.

We have one room painted. The other room is waiting for the roof repair to get done, since there was an active leak and it was pointless to fix before replacing the roof. We couldn't move forward with the roof until we got the insurance adjuster scheduled. I'm hoping to have it all done and the cleaning crew swing by in the next few weeks. It feels like I've been dealing with this for months but it's really just been since the start of June and hopefully all resolved soon. As the last day of July it feels more real that the summer is flying by.

I've come to really hate the term nesting though I'm not sure why it bothers me. We've always known we would have to take care of the roof and fix these rooms but we've pushed it off every year because there's always something higher priority. In the meantime they've accumulated stuff just by virtue of being sporadically used guest rooms. Of course now that we'll need the space it's jumped up in the priority list and I've spent the past few weeks clearing them out. I'm throwing away things I no longer need and donating stuff we no longer use - if that's nesting then I've been doing it for 30+ years and has nothing to do with "my condition."

I called my RE's office to find out if they want any expired medication or sterile unused needles and syringes for their classes. They appreciated the offer but didn't want to accept since they have enough. I was told it was ok to toss so that's what I'll do since I have so many extras and I don't know where else to offer it.

I had part one of my annual review with part two scheduled to take place shortly. My upcoming scheduled leave took up a large portion of the discussion, mainly because (for better or worse) my position isn't easily absorbed by my team members and since it's a busy time in our office everyone is anxious about how to fill the gap. It was good to hear positive feedback and start the conversation about prep for the upcoming transition.

Monday, July 22, 2019


It was around week 21 that I started feeling movement. That's when things started to feel real.

I remember one Friday afternoon around week 23, I was feeling sick and lightheaded but had so much to do and kept pushing myself. At one point I had to catch myself and take a minute to sit before letting something bad happen like pass out. It was warm and I was sweating and in a bad mood. My husband and I were arguing about something or another. It was a heated argument and as voices were raised and important points exchanged loudly, there was more and more kicking from baby. The angrier and louder I got, the more movement.

At one point I remember being frustrated at the kicking. If you kick me I'll kick you! I distinctly remember thinking that. I remember feeling annoyed that my body wasn't my own for the time being. As I calmed down so did the kicks and everyone settled down. When I was thinking clearly again I was not only embarrassed by those thoughts but I deeply regretted them. How could I take for granted something so special, something I've waited for for so long? How could I get annoyed at kicks?

Fast forward to today, nearly at the third trimester, and I was feeling less kicks than normal. I called my doctor's office to find out what's normal and instead of a reassuring answer they sent me to L&D to get checked out. Freaking out? Terrified? Assume the worst? Of course. All that and more. It was a harrowing 20 min from the time I got off the phone to when I was checking in. Thankfully they were able to find the heart beat quickly and tracked movement on the monitor even though I wasn't feeling it myself. They kept me on the monitor for nearly an hour while they checked off all the boxes they needed and I wasted time online.

Today's visit reminded me of that feeling of shame I had back at the early stages during that argument when I was frustrated at the intrusion. Not only do I now welcome the kicks but I also wait for and look out for them as tiny reassurances in a world of unknowns. Each step is a fleeting blessing and I can't take any piece of it for granted.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019


BH passed the sugars test. I can't say I was worried but I am relieved it's not an issue. I took the test in the first tri because they wanted a baseline and my number came back at 110. When I took it again on Friday it came back at 117. They like seeing the number under 140.

New fun thing I discovered today: did you know dehydration can present as shortness of breath? I did not. I was sitting in my air conditioned office this morning when I noticed I was having a hard time catching my breath. I realized later that it didn't help that I was leaning forward and probably putting pressure on my middle. But when the nurse called me to talk about my glucose test results so I mentioned the breathing thing. She asked me if I was drinking enough. Obviously with this heat it's very easy to dehydrate so she advised to double up and call back if it's still an issue. So far it hasn't repeated.

I didn't think I was dehydrated - I didn't feel thirsty; didn't have dry lips, etc. But I guess it can manifest in different ways. If I was thirsty then it's probably too late. I know that dehydration can cause a lot of problems so I thought I was doing ok but apparently I need to step it up. So all this water is keeping everything moving so that's a nice side effect, but forcing it makes me a little nauseous so I found little sips instead of chugging to be more manageable.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Summer halfway update

Summer is moving along. With half of it behind us, it feels like it's moving quickly. I'm trying not to let it fly by without enjoying the moments.

It's been so hot and humid and rainy that it's difficult to find time to spend outdoors, especially when I'm chugging water to try to stay hydrated. No matter how much I drink, the second I go outside it feels like all the moisture in my body gets sucked out. So I can't be outside for very long in this weather anyway but I'm trying to make the most of it.

I've gained 7 lbs and bp is thankfully still ok. I took the glucose test this morning and hope I don't have to repeat it. Next week I hope to finalize a roof vendor and start painting some rooms. No cravings. When I'm hungry I generally don't know what I want to eat. When that happens, especially between meals I try to settle for a fruit or cucumber or a stick of cheese before heading for something more interesting. I think drinking so much water is also helping keep the weight from sneaking on. I'm not purposely trying not to gain weight but I am trying to be somewhat mindful of what I'm eating. My default meal is cereal with milk, namely Honeycomb, or eggs.

It's important to me for my husband to feel the kicking. Even though there's a lot of movement, as soon as a hand goes over there it stops and he hasn't been able to catch one yet. This week was the first time I was able to feel one with my hand. My husband is a lot more patient, saying that he'll feel it at some point in the upcoming weeks as baby gets bigger. In my mind I'm thinking that it's urgent to take advantage of it now while it's still relevant because we're not guaranteed anything. Who knows where we'll be in a few weeks. It's such a miracle and I don't want him to miss out. On the other hand I know I can't force my irrational-but-somewhat-justified anxiety on him. Maybe on some level it's also important to me to have him feel it to confirm it's not made up.

I'm still wearing regular clothing. Mainly only people we've told know. At this point I'm getting comments like 'have you gone public yet?' and I'm not sure what to respond to that. If I haven't said something to you by now it's unlikely I'll tell be "announcing" anymore. If they find out, they find out. I think the people I have told are trying to be respectful of not saying but they're kind of confused. I'm finding it difficult to give it too much thought. Not that I don't care but it's just not that important and I feel like other things take priority. This is just what feels ok to me. Maybe once I start wearing maternity clothing and it's more obvious it won't feel weird to talk about it.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Refi and renos

We started the paperwork to refinance and were able to lock in a rate at nearly a full percent lower than our current mortgage. If everything goes through smoothly and we close soon, we can be looking at a monthly payment several hundred dollars less per month starting in September.

Originally we considered a cash-out option to fix the roof. But we learned that if we take cash out then we're risking a higher rate for the entire mortgage. Instead, we decided to look into another option which was to close on refinancing and then take out a home equity line of credit for the renovations.

That was the plan until things escalated with the recent weather pattern. Over the past few days it's been so rainy and stormy and it's become evident that getting a new roof has become an urgent priority. We had to leave out bowls in a few locations to catch leaks over the weekend, and even had to empty one out before the rain let up. The roof has been giving us issues since we first moved here but it always seems like minor issues that we kept getting patched. It's not a patch issues anymore, we need a full new one and with all the sudden active leaks I worry that if we delay replacing the roof we might risk mold problems. Waiting for closing and then waiting for HELOC approval? I don't think we should wait that long. Even once we do have funding we still need to wait for the contractor to be available, order material, etc. I've started collecting estimates but it's still not something that happens overnight.

I did some more research and saw that there are multiple credit cards with 0% introductory APR for up to 18 months. I tried to figure out the catch, but other than the APR jumping to 17-24% after the intro period I couldn't see any drawbacks so I signed up. Without having to wait or submit any paperwork or putting a second lien on my house, we got funding for the roof. Right now we have one estimate in hand and two more are expected by the end of the week. I'm hoping we can finish the roof and any painting within the next few weeks.

In the meantime I'm in major purging mode. Some may call it nesting but it's just reality of emptying out a room to make space for what's to come. I got rid of two huge bags of clothing for donations, plus have been trying to take full advantage of trash pickup every week by adding at least one or two additional bags of accumulated crap that doesn't need to take up space. Of course the more I pull stuff out of drawers and closets the more it seems like it will never end. My immediate challenge is trying to get rid of an old, functional but dated, futon. I tried selling it; I tried giving it away; I tried donating it -- no success. If I don't get any bites I'll have to pay someone to haul it to the dumpster. 



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