It's day 5 of my strict diet and the scale seemed to approve. I know most of it is water weight and I'm ok with that. It was more difficult to maintain over the weekend because of multiple parties but I'm proud to have held strong. While I'm annoyed to be back to the daily grind, I appreciate the routine of weekdays. I know that I need to keep checking my willpower though because it can get fatigued toward the end of the day. I'm drinking a lot of water and sleeping well and I think that's helping also.
I'm feeling really antsy. I don't know if I'm delirious from the withdrawal of sugar and carbs or bored with getting back to the mundane of daily life. I'm thinking of moving houses. I'm thinking of applying to new jobs. I even considered starting a new blog. Each one has pros and cons. A new house wouldn't need as much renovations but will we still like our neighborhood? A new job might have exciting new challenges but would it have the same perks? A new blog would bring with it a fresh start but how am I supposed to turn the page while we're still in the thick of fertility treatments?
I'm feeling stuck; physically and mentally. Nothing interests me and I'm easily irritated. Last night I went on a binge of searching beautiful hotels in the virgin islands. Private pools. Stunning views. Delicious kosher food available for delivery. All of it available if you have the money. Some of these resorts start at $500 per night but that's not even the biggest kicker. Zika is still an issue in all these beautiful locations. Even if I won the lottery and could afford these tropical destinations it wouldn't make a difference.
The path of least resistance is to do nothing and wait until the antsy feeling fizzles away. But maybe I don't want to let it fizzle without a change. Last time I felt this way I signed up for a pottery class and cut off my ponytail. Maybe this time I'll actually go through with looking for a new job? Other ideas welcome.
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2019
Friday, August 17, 2018
IVF 8: CD10
Back today for more monitoring. I overslept this morning. I couldn't get out of bed when my alarm rang and then dozed off, resulting in a half hour delay to the start of my morning. Worked out fine because when I got in, there were only three people ahead of me instead of the usual 10+ and even though I got in at 8, I still got seen at 8:20 like I have the past two times getting there an hour earlier.
Bloodwork and ultrasound were fine. Follicles are now measuring in the 12s. They told me to make sure to have enough meds to get me through the weekend. Retrieval might be Wednesday or Thursday.
My blood pressure is much better. The headaches are slowly receding. I feel the intensity lessen every day. On Thursday I called my PCP, who is back from vacation, to ask if I need to come in for the headaches. She said that it takes time for the medication to address that symptom, even if the bp readings have stabilized. I could take something for it, like Tylenol, but wanted to make sure it wasn't something more. I'm glad that was a quick phone call instead of another appointment. I don't even care if I sound like a crazy person calling the doctor for every little thing. I'm paying for insurance premiums, this is what it's there for.
I'm 14 lbs down from the start of the summer. Still a while to get to my goal. I hope to lose another six before I get the glucose/insulin testing done again for the specialist. It's an arbitrary number but it would make for a nice round figure lost during the summer. I know the retrieval will throw a monkey wrench in this plan because I tend to crave comfort food after surgery and my will power is shot, plus the bloating and fluid retention don't help. I'll have to meal prep healthy food in advance so we don't rely on takeout.
I had to run to the specialty pharmacy for the third time this cycle to restock meds. I was trying to only take as much as I needed without going over because they're so effing expensive. But it's running me ragged. There's no delivery option and it's a 20 min drive in each direction. I know it's not a lot in theory but it's proven to be a challenge. Even more of a challenge: finding a quarter to pay the meter to park near the pharmacy. Who carries quarters anymore? It's likely that it only seems like a big deal because I've been so tired and dealing with a non-stop headache going on for a month now which sap all the energy from me.
I've been having bad dreams the past few days. Most of the time it's around 5 am and when I'm up, I'm up. It's not helping the fatigue. I think it's a symptom of all the meds. Or maybe I need to cool it with the murder mysteries on Netflix.
During my month-long quest to figure out the cause of my headache I asked my endocrinologist if I could come in to get my TSH checked to see if the dose needs to be tweaked. I went in over two weeks ago and bloodwork isn't back yet. I think they lost it. I don't love the location and I'm not wowed by the doctor - she didn't come recommended, just picked her out of an insurance list. Not sure who I'd go to instead, and now that TSH is basically under control with only 6 month follow ups, is there really a reason to switch.
Bloodwork and ultrasound were fine. Follicles are now measuring in the 12s. They told me to make sure to have enough meds to get me through the weekend. Retrieval might be Wednesday or Thursday.
My blood pressure is much better. The headaches are slowly receding. I feel the intensity lessen every day. On Thursday I called my PCP, who is back from vacation, to ask if I need to come in for the headaches. She said that it takes time for the medication to address that symptom, even if the bp readings have stabilized. I could take something for it, like Tylenol, but wanted to make sure it wasn't something more. I'm glad that was a quick phone call instead of another appointment. I don't even care if I sound like a crazy person calling the doctor for every little thing. I'm paying for insurance premiums, this is what it's there for.
I'm 14 lbs down from the start of the summer. Still a while to get to my goal. I hope to lose another six before I get the glucose/insulin testing done again for the specialist. It's an arbitrary number but it would make for a nice round figure lost during the summer. I know the retrieval will throw a monkey wrench in this plan because I tend to crave comfort food after surgery and my will power is shot, plus the bloating and fluid retention don't help. I'll have to meal prep healthy food in advance so we don't rely on takeout.
I had to run to the specialty pharmacy for the third time this cycle to restock meds. I was trying to only take as much as I needed without going over because they're so effing expensive. But it's running me ragged. There's no delivery option and it's a 20 min drive in each direction. I know it's not a lot in theory but it's proven to be a challenge. Even more of a challenge: finding a quarter to pay the meter to park near the pharmacy. Who carries quarters anymore? It's likely that it only seems like a big deal because I've been so tired and dealing with a non-stop headache going on for a month now which sap all the energy from me.
I've been having bad dreams the past few days. Most of the time it's around 5 am and when I'm up, I'm up. It's not helping the fatigue. I think it's a symptom of all the meds. Or maybe I need to cool it with the murder mysteries on Netflix.
During my month-long quest to figure out the cause of my headache I asked my endocrinologist if I could come in to get my TSH checked to see if the dose needs to be tweaked. I went in over two weeks ago and bloodwork isn't back yet. I think they lost it. I don't love the location and I'm not wowed by the doctor - she didn't come recommended, just picked her out of an insurance list. Not sure who I'd go to instead, and now that TSH is basically under control with only 6 month follow ups, is there really a reason to switch.
Monday, August 13, 2018
IVF 8: CD6
Back today for more bloodwork and ultrasound. They found a few 8s and 6s on the left; a few on the right too small to count. They're a lot more conservative with the meds in this clinic, even knowing that I was on bc pills which are known to suppress the ovaries.
Speaking of bc pills, I've had adventures with my blood pressure. I've been monitoring it for a few weeks now, ever since the headaches started. It was slightly high but nothing crazy, like 130s over 80s. I know that bc can cause elevated blood pressure in some people who are sensitive to estrogen. I had that a few years back. But over the weekend, my pressure spiked to 150s over 100s. Then it just stayed there. It also came with a headache which really concerned me. I spent Sunday in bed, trying not to aggravate it lest it become a full-blown migraine. I took tylenol at some point which made it bearable. All day I kept taking my bp and even after lying down for a while it was still high. I have an appointment with my PCP to follow up about blood pressure but I wasn't sure I should wait that long. Eventually it freaked me out enough to go to urgent care.
The first reading they got was 175/92. If I wasn't already at urgent care that would have set me in a panic. They retook it again a few min later and it was back to the 150s I'd been getting all day. I'm not in denial but I think the first cuff they used was for kids. In any case, the doctor there wasn't as concerned about my 150s but he took blood and urine to make sure kidneys aren't malfunctioning. He said that if it spikes to 180s or above to go to the emergency room, not even urgent care because they wouldn't be able to deal with that.
This morning I called my PCP and asked for a sooner appointment even though I know my doc is away on vacation. I didn't want to leave this untreated, especially because of the headaches but also because it's freaking me out. When I came in the doc there also wasn't alarmed at the 150s but looking back at my history and seeing the repeated elevated levels, he recommended starting medication to help lower it. He said to keep my appointment with my own doctor for next week but in the meantime he gave me a prescription that needs to be taken every 12 hours. Hooray, another pill.
I was very resistant to going on bp meds as a preventive measure. It felt like a personal goal to try to control it with diet and exercise. But at this point my ego is shoved aside as panic mode sets in and I'm freaked out enough that I'll take whatever medicine they tell me to get things back in order. I don't want to fear the veins in my head are going to pop, or that every twinge out of place is an impending heart attack. I have enough stress with the cycle that I don't need those fears lurking behind high bp. All that aside, I need to make sure this is under control before even considering a transfer.
I confirmed with my RE that there's no adverse reaction to adding bp medicine to the mix. And I confirmed with the PCP office that whatever medication he gives me is safe for pregnancy so that I don't have to deal with switching it and finding a new dose once we're ready for a transfer.
Other than a blip over the weekend I've been doing well on my diet. I don't know if that's a contributing factor to the elevated bp, but even now 48 hours later I doubt that food is still in my system yet my bp was still high. I'm down 12 lbs from the start of the summer. I cut out most sugar/flour at the suggestion of the specialist to try to get insulin under their preferred numbers; and now I've cut out most salt and sodium as well. My daily food consists of a lot of colors and while it's not fabulous, I'm not hungry and I'm not bored.
I'm concerned about retesting my glucose and insulin in the fall and being told that everything I did wasn't enough and that I'll have to add metformin to the mix. I will if I have to, but I was really hoping I wouldn't have to. Another ego thing, plus I hate taking all this medication.
At monitoring this morning there were a lot of couples. I don't remember seeing so many at the last clinic. I'm still working on a post comparing the two. Every time I list the crap the old clinic did I get angry and put the list away for another time. I don't actively trash-talk them but if someone asks about my experience, like on the fb support group, I'll share my thoughts in private.
Speaking of bc pills, I've had adventures with my blood pressure. I've been monitoring it for a few weeks now, ever since the headaches started. It was slightly high but nothing crazy, like 130s over 80s. I know that bc can cause elevated blood pressure in some people who are sensitive to estrogen. I had that a few years back. But over the weekend, my pressure spiked to 150s over 100s. Then it just stayed there. It also came with a headache which really concerned me. I spent Sunday in bed, trying not to aggravate it lest it become a full-blown migraine. I took tylenol at some point which made it bearable. All day I kept taking my bp and even after lying down for a while it was still high. I have an appointment with my PCP to follow up about blood pressure but I wasn't sure I should wait that long. Eventually it freaked me out enough to go to urgent care.
The first reading they got was 175/92. If I wasn't already at urgent care that would have set me in a panic. They retook it again a few min later and it was back to the 150s I'd been getting all day. I'm not in denial but I think the first cuff they used was for kids. In any case, the doctor there wasn't as concerned about my 150s but he took blood and urine to make sure kidneys aren't malfunctioning. He said that if it spikes to 180s or above to go to the emergency room, not even urgent care because they wouldn't be able to deal with that.
This morning I called my PCP and asked for a sooner appointment even though I know my doc is away on vacation. I didn't want to leave this untreated, especially because of the headaches but also because it's freaking me out. When I came in the doc there also wasn't alarmed at the 150s but looking back at my history and seeing the repeated elevated levels, he recommended starting medication to help lower it. He said to keep my appointment with my own doctor for next week but in the meantime he gave me a prescription that needs to be taken every 12 hours. Hooray, another pill.
I was very resistant to going on bp meds as a preventive measure. It felt like a personal goal to try to control it with diet and exercise. But at this point my ego is shoved aside as panic mode sets in and I'm freaked out enough that I'll take whatever medicine they tell me to get things back in order. I don't want to fear the veins in my head are going to pop, or that every twinge out of place is an impending heart attack. I have enough stress with the cycle that I don't need those fears lurking behind high bp. All that aside, I need to make sure this is under control before even considering a transfer.
I confirmed with my RE that there's no adverse reaction to adding bp medicine to the mix. And I confirmed with the PCP office that whatever medication he gives me is safe for pregnancy so that I don't have to deal with switching it and finding a new dose once we're ready for a transfer.
Other than a blip over the weekend I've been doing well on my diet. I don't know if that's a contributing factor to the elevated bp, but even now 48 hours later I doubt that food is still in my system yet my bp was still high. I'm down 12 lbs from the start of the summer. I cut out most sugar/flour at the suggestion of the specialist to try to get insulin under their preferred numbers; and now I've cut out most salt and sodium as well. My daily food consists of a lot of colors and while it's not fabulous, I'm not hungry and I'm not bored.
I'm concerned about retesting my glucose and insulin in the fall and being told that everything I did wasn't enough and that I'll have to add metformin to the mix. I will if I have to, but I was really hoping I wouldn't have to. Another ego thing, plus I hate taking all this medication.
At monitoring this morning there were a lot of couples. I don't remember seeing so many at the last clinic. I'm still working on a post comparing the two. Every time I list the crap the old clinic did I get angry and put the list away for another time. I don't actively trash-talk them but if someone asks about my experience, like on the fb support group, I'll share my thoughts in private.
Friday, July 27, 2018
This week
This was a rough weather week and a lot of people didn't feel well, myself included. For some people it was their joints aching, for others it was constant headaches. For me it was sinus pressure and neck pain. On Tuesday I made a same-day appointment at my pcp and went in to get it checked out. I was complaining of dizziness and lightheaded feeling. It alarmed me because at one point I thought I was going to pass out. It had started a few weeks ago, right around the time I cut sugar out. I thought that I was cutting too much sugar out so I had slowly reintroduced some back in, but the lightheaded feeling didn't go away and just got so much worse during the week with bad weather. Maybe it's related to the anesthesia from my hysteroscopy? No idea.
The doctor who saw me -- not my pcp but whoever in the practice had an opening that day -- did an exam, asked questions, took down history, etc. He couldn't find anything specific other than pressing on my sinus causing discomfort so suggested that I treat the sinus pressure symptoms to see if that helps. One thing that did concern him was my blood pressure: 160/90. It concerned me too. I know it usually reads high at the doctor's office, but it's been closer to 130s/80s the past few times I've been to - even as recently as all my pre/post op appointments for the surgery. He said he wouldn't put me on meds just for one reading (even though it was two within the time span of 30 min, same results). His recommendation was to record readings for a week at home and if symptoms persist to come back.
The next day I was scheduled at my clinic to take their two hour IVF class, which is mandatory for all new patients regardless of whether you've done IVF before or not. I didn't necessarily learn anything new but I did get more acquainted with the clinic, nurses, and protocols. It relieved a bit of the anxiety that has been sitting on me about starting another cycle and a new clinic.
I brought in my blood pressure cuff with me. After the class I asked the nurse if she could help me calibrate my cuff: she would take my pressure on their machine, then I'll take it on mine, and I can compare to see if it's at all similar and whether I could rely on it. Came out to 150/85 -- similar on both machines and still high. I thanked her and left for work.
This morning I tried my cuff again at home. I took three readings and they were each different, even though they were two minutes apart: 150/86, 142/89, 120/84. The last one is basically normal! I also noticed that the pulse was going down with each one.
I know some people have this "white-coat" syndrome where their bp spikes when it's about to get tested. I have mixed feelings about this - if something makes you nervous and your bp spikes then you have high bp. If someone cuts you off in traffic and your bp spikes? If you're caught off-guard and your bp spikes? Basically if you're getting these really high spikes then you have a bp issue, no? Maybe I just don't entirely get how bp works. I assume it's like your pulse that rises and falls throughout the day but that the baseline should test normal.
Anyway. Apparently I have this syndrome because I've had issues with my bp for years. At one point they put me on medication to lower it because every time I had it tested at the office it would be high enough to alarm them, even though when I was testing it at home it was fine. Eventually the meds were making my bp so low that I advocated to get off them and I did with doc's blessing. I haven't been on them for years. I even remember that some of the bc pills raise blood pressure and I had to switch from that. I feel like I'm back on that brand now and that might be a factor too.
From what I'm reading, limiting salt is a factor in controlling bp via diet. Oh awesome. So now I can't have sugar or salt. This is fabulous. I also read that getting rid of inches off your waist is a big help in lowering bp: approx 8 lbs off for every inch you want to lose.
So what's the moral of this story? Exercise is important to get blood pressure under control, to lower resting heart rate, and to control insulin. As much as I can't get away from it, I have every reason to up my exercise.
I treated the sinus pressure with some not-yet-expired flonase spray I had from last year's sinus infection, plus the weather finally cleared up, and some of the sinus pressure receded. I was still feeling fatigued and lightheaded. I used to wake up in the morning full of energy - I'd get up before the alarm most days, get up and immediately do things like load the dishwasher, fold laundry, or some other noisy tasks that would annoy my husband. These days I'm so tired. I feel alert and awake for maybe a few hours before I feel like I need a nap, and when I don't get a nap I just function at like 40% capacity until I collapse into bed.
The tightness in my neck led to the base of the skull and felt like heavy cement just hanging out there. I debated whether it was worth going for a massage or going back to the doctor. I decided to visit a physical therapist. I got in on a cancellation appointment on Thursday morning and got a full workup. She found that my right side is more tight and after several prodding questions deduced that it was probably because of the way I sit at my desk at work. She asked about medical history (I skipped the whole fertility part), did a few diagnostic tests, and then put heat on my neck and back for 15 minutes. After cooking my muscles she started to work on them.
It. was. painful. I didn't actively cry, but tears sprang up when she touched the sore muscles. She worked on my head and neck for a while "loosening" up whatever was tight in there, but less like loosening it felt like the worst pain I can remember having. At one point she was working on a neck muscle that triggered a really bad headache/dizziness, literally like an on button. She then worked on my back to loosen the headache she caused. After that she moved to my lower back and the agonizing pain continued. At one point I asked through clenched teeth, "is it supposed to hurt this much?" and her response was that she wasn't going to work on a muscle she didn't feel needs work. In other words, if it feels good then she's wasting both our time. The full appointment took about 2 hours from paperwork to leaving. The torture massaging lasted about half of that. While my muscles did feel looser in the areas she worked, everything else hurt. My skin was bruised and my head was pounding. I didn't even have energy to buy lunch somewhere and just ate the small snacks I brought from home.
Today I'm just sore and tired, with remnants of a dull headache in the back of my skull. We were supposed to have out of town company for the weekend but they rescheduled for another week. I'm thankful to have the weekend to rest and recharge.
For the time being, or at least I can come up with a new passion project, I need to make my health my main focus.
- Balanced eating
- Drinking water
- Exercise
I want to get my blood pressure under control without medication. On the other hand, I'm exhausted. Tracking food is exhausting. Constantly utilizing self-control is exhausting. I'm limiting sugar and carbs, and apparently now salt is limited as well.
Exercise is my biggest challenge. I know it needs to happen. I know all the benefits: healthier weight, lower blood pressure, lower resting heart rate, insulin benefits. Secondary benefits are to look better and feel better. All those things are excellent motivation and yet this is a real struggle for me. I need to find a solution.
Let's say I don't do it? That means adding blood pressure medication and metformin to my cocktail of daily meds. That means side effects. That doesn't solve other problems that come along with unhealthy lifestyle which will eventually catch up with me, regardless of how many meds I take. Not least of which, not addressing these issues could mean complications during a potential pregnancy. I'm not there yet, but this is my chance to address and reverse these unhealthy issues.
Every single day I need to make the choice whether to take care of my body or to put in on a back burner behind... netflix? social media? What am I prioritizing instead of it? Whatever it is, it's not as important. I need to make an effort, make the choice, and just do it.
We're gearing up for IVF 8 as August gets nearer. The cycle starts as soon as I get a period so it's helpful to have somewhat of a say when that is with the bc pills. We're waiting for my husband's recovery window to end. In the meantime we got approved by insurance to move forward; I'm getting my meds ordered; and finalizing any last minute things with the nurses so nothing is held up once we're ready to start. This might change as we get closer, but I'm not worried or excited for it; it just seems like one more thing to check off a list.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm excited to relax and catch up with people I'm too busy to talk to during the week. Shabbat shalom.
The doctor who saw me -- not my pcp but whoever in the practice had an opening that day -- did an exam, asked questions, took down history, etc. He couldn't find anything specific other than pressing on my sinus causing discomfort so suggested that I treat the sinus pressure symptoms to see if that helps. One thing that did concern him was my blood pressure: 160/90. It concerned me too. I know it usually reads high at the doctor's office, but it's been closer to 130s/80s the past few times I've been to - even as recently as all my pre/post op appointments for the surgery. He said he wouldn't put me on meds just for one reading (even though it was two within the time span of 30 min, same results). His recommendation was to record readings for a week at home and if symptoms persist to come back.
The next day I was scheduled at my clinic to take their two hour IVF class, which is mandatory for all new patients regardless of whether you've done IVF before or not. I didn't necessarily learn anything new but I did get more acquainted with the clinic, nurses, and protocols. It relieved a bit of the anxiety that has been sitting on me about starting another cycle and a new clinic.
I brought in my blood pressure cuff with me. After the class I asked the nurse if she could help me calibrate my cuff: she would take my pressure on their machine, then I'll take it on mine, and I can compare to see if it's at all similar and whether I could rely on it. Came out to 150/85 -- similar on both machines and still high. I thanked her and left for work.
This morning I tried my cuff again at home. I took three readings and they were each different, even though they were two minutes apart: 150/86, 142/89, 120/84. The last one is basically normal! I also noticed that the pulse was going down with each one.
I know some people have this "white-coat" syndrome where their bp spikes when it's about to get tested. I have mixed feelings about this - if something makes you nervous and your bp spikes then you have high bp. If someone cuts you off in traffic and your bp spikes? If you're caught off-guard and your bp spikes? Basically if you're getting these really high spikes then you have a bp issue, no? Maybe I just don't entirely get how bp works. I assume it's like your pulse that rises and falls throughout the day but that the baseline should test normal.
Anyway. Apparently I have this syndrome because I've had issues with my bp for years. At one point they put me on medication to lower it because every time I had it tested at the office it would be high enough to alarm them, even though when I was testing it at home it was fine. Eventually the meds were making my bp so low that I advocated to get off them and I did with doc's blessing. I haven't been on them for years. I even remember that some of the bc pills raise blood pressure and I had to switch from that. I feel like I'm back on that brand now and that might be a factor too.
From what I'm reading, limiting salt is a factor in controlling bp via diet. Oh awesome. So now I can't have sugar or salt. This is fabulous. I also read that getting rid of inches off your waist is a big help in lowering bp: approx 8 lbs off for every inch you want to lose.
So what's the moral of this story? Exercise is important to get blood pressure under control, to lower resting heart rate, and to control insulin. As much as I can't get away from it, I have every reason to up my exercise.
I treated the sinus pressure with some not-yet-expired flonase spray I had from last year's sinus infection, plus the weather finally cleared up, and some of the sinus pressure receded. I was still feeling fatigued and lightheaded. I used to wake up in the morning full of energy - I'd get up before the alarm most days, get up and immediately do things like load the dishwasher, fold laundry, or some other noisy tasks that would annoy my husband. These days I'm so tired. I feel alert and awake for maybe a few hours before I feel like I need a nap, and when I don't get a nap I just function at like 40% capacity until I collapse into bed.
The tightness in my neck led to the base of the skull and felt like heavy cement just hanging out there. I debated whether it was worth going for a massage or going back to the doctor. I decided to visit a physical therapist. I got in on a cancellation appointment on Thursday morning and got a full workup. She found that my right side is more tight and after several prodding questions deduced that it was probably because of the way I sit at my desk at work. She asked about medical history (I skipped the whole fertility part), did a few diagnostic tests, and then put heat on my neck and back for 15 minutes. After cooking my muscles she started to work on them.
It. was. painful. I didn't actively cry, but tears sprang up when she touched the sore muscles. She worked on my head and neck for a while "loosening" up whatever was tight in there, but less like loosening it felt like the worst pain I can remember having. At one point she was working on a neck muscle that triggered a really bad headache/dizziness, literally like an on button. She then worked on my back to loosen the headache she caused. After that she moved to my lower back and the agonizing pain continued. At one point I asked through clenched teeth, "is it supposed to hurt this much?" and her response was that she wasn't going to work on a muscle she didn't feel needs work. In other words, if it feels good then she's wasting both our time. The full appointment took about 2 hours from paperwork to leaving. The torture massaging lasted about half of that. While my muscles did feel looser in the areas she worked, everything else hurt. My skin was bruised and my head was pounding. I didn't even have energy to buy lunch somewhere and just ate the small snacks I brought from home.
Today I'm just sore and tired, with remnants of a dull headache in the back of my skull. We were supposed to have out of town company for the weekend but they rescheduled for another week. I'm thankful to have the weekend to rest and recharge.
For the time being, or at least I can come up with a new passion project, I need to make my health my main focus.
- Balanced eating
- Drinking water
- Exercise
I want to get my blood pressure under control without medication. On the other hand, I'm exhausted. Tracking food is exhausting. Constantly utilizing self-control is exhausting. I'm limiting sugar and carbs, and apparently now salt is limited as well.
Exercise is my biggest challenge. I know it needs to happen. I know all the benefits: healthier weight, lower blood pressure, lower resting heart rate, insulin benefits. Secondary benefits are to look better and feel better. All those things are excellent motivation and yet this is a real struggle for me. I need to find a solution.
Let's say I don't do it? That means adding blood pressure medication and metformin to my cocktail of daily meds. That means side effects. That doesn't solve other problems that come along with unhealthy lifestyle which will eventually catch up with me, regardless of how many meds I take. Not least of which, not addressing these issues could mean complications during a potential pregnancy. I'm not there yet, but this is my chance to address and reverse these unhealthy issues.
Every single day I need to make the choice whether to take care of my body or to put in on a back burner behind... netflix? social media? What am I prioritizing instead of it? Whatever it is, it's not as important. I need to make an effort, make the choice, and just do it.
We're gearing up for IVF 8 as August gets nearer. The cycle starts as soon as I get a period so it's helpful to have somewhat of a say when that is with the bc pills. We're waiting for my husband's recovery window to end. In the meantime we got approved by insurance to move forward; I'm getting my meds ordered; and finalizing any last minute things with the nurses so nothing is held up once we're ready to start. This might change as we get closer, but I'm not worried or excited for it; it just seems like one more thing to check off a list.
I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm excited to relax and catch up with people I'm too busy to talk to during the week. Shabbat shalom.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Lifestyle changes update
I've done some more research on my glucose/insulin results and what I should be eating to go with my lifestyle changes in an attempt to avoid meds. My glucose levels were fine and well below normal levels. My insulin levels were borderline, and I use that term loosely because it depends on who you ask. Some sources say that my numbers are fine, other say that they're just a hair above the normal limits making them high. It doesn't make a difference to me about how to treat it, but I felt it was important to understand.
Of the research I did, everyone agrees to limit all forms of sugar if you're trying to control insulin levels. One drastic approach is the Blood Sugar Solution by Dr. Hyman. I found the cookbook at the library for some recipe inspiration and read a little about his approach. He recommends six weeks of eating just vegetables and lean protein, and eliminating sugar in all forms, white flour, and white rice. For the Advanced Plan he recommends limiting all grains as well as all fruit except for 1/2 cup of berries as a treat. I hear what he's saying and I'm happy to implement a few of the suggested ideas and recipes. I don't think being so restrictive is a good idea for me because taking on too much at once might backfire and I'll burn out too quickly, so I'll take on new changes slowly to help them stick.
Last week I saw a documentary called "That Sugar Film" (available on Amazon Prime) about an Australian actor who changed his eating habits to see what effect sugar had on his body. It was a very interesting film. Between that, my research, and other sources, I learned a few things:
Of the research I did, everyone agrees to limit all forms of sugar if you're trying to control insulin levels. One drastic approach is the Blood Sugar Solution by Dr. Hyman. I found the cookbook at the library for some recipe inspiration and read a little about his approach. He recommends six weeks of eating just vegetables and lean protein, and eliminating sugar in all forms, white flour, and white rice. For the Advanced Plan he recommends limiting all grains as well as all fruit except for 1/2 cup of berries as a treat. I hear what he's saying and I'm happy to implement a few of the suggested ideas and recipes. I don't think being so restrictive is a good idea for me because taking on too much at once might backfire and I'll burn out too quickly, so I'll take on new changes slowly to help them stick.
Last week I saw a documentary called "That Sugar Film" (available on Amazon Prime) about an Australian actor who changed his eating habits to see what effect sugar had on his body. It was a very interesting film. Between that, my research, and other sources, I learned a few things:
- Sugar is bad for you. I believe it's ok in small, measured doses but that's rarely the case these days between processed food and take-out.
- Oatmeal isn't necessarily as super a food as I originally thought. I don't remember where I saw it but apparently it can raise blood sugar as well. More research needed.
- A calorie is not a calorie. To me this was mind-blowing. I used to think that as long as I kept my calories counted and under a certain number that it didn't matter what I ate. In terms of weight loss, maybe. But in terms of nutrition that's not true. For starters, eating 200 calories of avocado, for example, will give you nutrients and keep you full because of the fat. In contrast, having 200 calories of juice gives you a sugar spike which then comes with a sugar crash shortly after, which leads to cravings and overeating.
I've made some significant changes to our menu but there's still a way to go. Breakfasts are either eggs with something (avocado or cottage, or some veg) or a green smoothie. Lunches are either leftovers, salad with tuna, or veg with hummus. Dinners vary and include some sort of roasted vegetables with salmon or chicken. There's room for improvement, especially with snacks and desserts. For shabbat I made a five lb dough for the bracha. I split it in two and made half into challah and the other half into seven babkas. Fresh, sweet baked goods are my #1 weakness and they were by far the most delicious babkas I have ever made or tasted in my life. I ended up giving away five of them - I just couldn't risk having them in the house, even buried in the freezer. I also need to work on getting to my goal of getting at least 30 min of exercise four times a day. It's not a struggle of finding the time, it's looking for the motivation.
Monday, June 25, 2018
Food
I'm down six lbs from my heaviest April weight. That's still 3 more than my pre-transfer weight in February. When I reach 10 lbs down I'm thinking of maybe buying a new purse - I have my eye on a MK knock-off. After that my new goal will be the next 10 lbs.
We've been eating better lately than we have in a while. Home cooked healthy meals every day. It's been a lifesaver to plan the week in advance, including breakfast, lunch, and dinners. It takes the edge off thinking and if the groceries are already in the house it makes it that much easier. Since they're all fresh ingredients I have to make sure to use them up quickly before they go bad.
When I don't eat sugar my appetite is very steady and I don't have those insatiable munchies. I miss cereal but I'm never hungry. So much so that sometimes I'll feel fine enough to delay eating to the point of feeling light headed. Then I remember that I can't do that and go eat my prepared snack. Still learning. Also still waiting for the RD to call me. I followed up today.
My research online told me that oatmeal, cinnamon, and apple cider vinegar are good for lowering sugar. I still don't know what lowers insulin but apparently a low sugar diet is a good start. So now I'm eating oatmeal with cinnamon for some breakfasts. I'm still figuring out how to use acv.
I found someone selling dehydrated fruit and vegetables and in a moment of weakness I placed an order for $30 worth of snacks. There's no added sugar, salt, or preservatives, plus the produce is all organic so I figured it's a good snack to include. I'm excited for the zucchini chips.
We've been eating better lately than we have in a while. Home cooked healthy meals every day. It's been a lifesaver to plan the week in advance, including breakfast, lunch, and dinners. It takes the edge off thinking and if the groceries are already in the house it makes it that much easier. Since they're all fresh ingredients I have to make sure to use them up quickly before they go bad.
When I don't eat sugar my appetite is very steady and I don't have those insatiable munchies. I miss cereal but I'm never hungry. So much so that sometimes I'll feel fine enough to delay eating to the point of feeling light headed. Then I remember that I can't do that and go eat my prepared snack. Still learning. Also still waiting for the RD to call me. I followed up today.
My research online told me that oatmeal, cinnamon, and apple cider vinegar are good for lowering sugar. I still don't know what lowers insulin but apparently a low sugar diet is a good start. So now I'm eating oatmeal with cinnamon for some breakfasts. I'm still figuring out how to use acv.
I found someone selling dehydrated fruit and vegetables and in a moment of weakness I placed an order for $30 worth of snacks. There's no added sugar, salt, or preservatives, plus the produce is all organic so I figured it's a good snack to include. I'm excited for the zucchini chips.
Monday, June 18, 2018
Making the wait count
Things have fully transitioned to summer mode around here and the change has been nice. Things are slower at work, the weather is finally hot, and it seems like we're on our way to getting our summer projects started.
I'm still learning about insulin. I don't understand how my fasting and 2hr glucose are both well under the limits but my fasting/2hr insulin is high. I think I broke Google trying to come up with an answer because it doesn't seem to know. Beside that there are conflicting opinions about what to eat. Some say to strictly limit all forms of sugar while other opinions say that fruits are fine. Cutting out fruit entirely would be really hard for me so I'm not doing that yet. I have a call in to the Registered Dietician and in the meantime I'm working on cutting out white flour and refined sugar. I think that if I try to change too much too quickly then it will backfire so I'm focusing on small steps to help the changes stick.
This week's changes are to include at least 30 min of activity most days. That's up from 0-2 per week ever since the March loss. I'm also back to counting calories and, while not cutting it out entirely, limiting white flour and sugar. I found some recipes from an Instagram blogger that I'm excited to try. One is a lemon-garlic chicken and the other is a zoodles salad recipe. Very diet friendly and they both sound delicious.
The biggest challenges are going to be planning ahead and avoiding cereal. Planning ahead is crucial to having healthy food already in the house so that we don't resort to take-out which has been a major go-to in the past few months. Cereal is my food drug of choice in all forms and flavors. I can easily inhale two bowls for a snack, or instead of any meal of the day. It's not only a lot of processed sugar but there's also barely any nutritional value and it's a waste of calories. I'm not going to attempt to go cold turkey but it will have to be eaten sporadically and within small controlled portions.
In treatment news I'm getting ready for the hysteroscopy scheduled for the end of the month. I'm still on bcp so I can schedule my period around when it needs to be. The tricky part is with regard to mikvah since the procedure needs to be on a certain day of the cycle and will likely cause spotting. Hopefully the procedure will go smoothly with limited recovery which won't delay anything. After that I get a two week break while they get the results over to the RPL specialist and we all wait for the start of my next cycle.
If all looks good, we'll start an unmedicated ERA in that cycle. I've done two already but they were both with the medicated FET protocol. Per the medicated ERA results I need an extra day of progesterone for my lining to be receptive. The RPL specialist wants to see if I still need that extra day if I'm not on any meds. Obviously we don't want to miss the window if I do an unmedicated FET with an actual embryo, so we can't use data from a medicated ERA. I understand the reasoning, I just hate the idea of another uncomfortable biopsy.
I'm trying not to "bird view" the summer because thinking of all the things ahead makes me anxious, but it's helpful to think that if all goes well with the hysteroscopy and ERA then the next step is a retrieval. That finally feels like progress. It's also the biggest hurdle before a transfer, since we have nothing to transfer now. So while things are slowly moving forward, there are still a lot of steps to happen between now and a potential pregnancy.
In the meantime we're working on taking one day at a time. We also added a new project: enjoy the wait. The time will pass regardless of whether we're anxious or not, so we may as well do things that make us happy in the meantime. There's a time to be sad and anxious and worried, but it's not all the time. It's a gift to wake up every day and our time shouldn't be wasted harping on things we can't control. We'll work toward what we want and we'll put in everything we can in to it. But at some point it becomes up to Him and our job is to just wait. So why not enjoy the wait. It's easier some days than others but it's a mitzvah to be happy and it's worth the effort to prevent becoming depressed and bitter. We don't have money or PTO to do lavish trips around the globe but we can do outings and things on a smaller scale. Yesterday we went to see The Incredibles 2 (3D) and it was fun. Highly recommend.
I'm still learning about insulin. I don't understand how my fasting and 2hr glucose are both well under the limits but my fasting/2hr insulin is high. I think I broke Google trying to come up with an answer because it doesn't seem to know. Beside that there are conflicting opinions about what to eat. Some say to strictly limit all forms of sugar while other opinions say that fruits are fine. Cutting out fruit entirely would be really hard for me so I'm not doing that yet. I have a call in to the Registered Dietician and in the meantime I'm working on cutting out white flour and refined sugar. I think that if I try to change too much too quickly then it will backfire so I'm focusing on small steps to help the changes stick.
This week's changes are to include at least 30 min of activity most days. That's up from 0-2 per week ever since the March loss. I'm also back to counting calories and, while not cutting it out entirely, limiting white flour and sugar. I found some recipes from an Instagram blogger that I'm excited to try. One is a lemon-garlic chicken and the other is a zoodles salad recipe. Very diet friendly and they both sound delicious.
The biggest challenges are going to be planning ahead and avoiding cereal. Planning ahead is crucial to having healthy food already in the house so that we don't resort to take-out which has been a major go-to in the past few months. Cereal is my food drug of choice in all forms and flavors. I can easily inhale two bowls for a snack, or instead of any meal of the day. It's not only a lot of processed sugar but there's also barely any nutritional value and it's a waste of calories. I'm not going to attempt to go cold turkey but it will have to be eaten sporadically and within small controlled portions.
In treatment news I'm getting ready for the hysteroscopy scheduled for the end of the month. I'm still on bcp so I can schedule my period around when it needs to be. The tricky part is with regard to mikvah since the procedure needs to be on a certain day of the cycle and will likely cause spotting. Hopefully the procedure will go smoothly with limited recovery which won't delay anything. After that I get a two week break while they get the results over to the RPL specialist and we all wait for the start of my next cycle.
If all looks good, we'll start an unmedicated ERA in that cycle. I've done two already but they were both with the medicated FET protocol. Per the medicated ERA results I need an extra day of progesterone for my lining to be receptive. The RPL specialist wants to see if I still need that extra day if I'm not on any meds. Obviously we don't want to miss the window if I do an unmedicated FET with an actual embryo, so we can't use data from a medicated ERA. I understand the reasoning, I just hate the idea of another uncomfortable biopsy.
I'm trying not to "bird view" the summer because thinking of all the things ahead makes me anxious, but it's helpful to think that if all goes well with the hysteroscopy and ERA then the next step is a retrieval. That finally feels like progress. It's also the biggest hurdle before a transfer, since we have nothing to transfer now. So while things are slowly moving forward, there are still a lot of steps to happen between now and a potential pregnancy.
In the meantime we're working on taking one day at a time. We also added a new project: enjoy the wait. The time will pass regardless of whether we're anxious or not, so we may as well do things that make us happy in the meantime. There's a time to be sad and anxious and worried, but it's not all the time. It's a gift to wake up every day and our time shouldn't be wasted harping on things we can't control. We'll work toward what we want and we'll put in everything we can in to it. But at some point it becomes up to Him and our job is to just wait. So why not enjoy the wait. It's easier some days than others but it's a mitzvah to be happy and it's worth the effort to prevent becoming depressed and bitter. We don't have money or PTO to do lavish trips around the globe but we can do outings and things on a smaller scale. Yesterday we went to see The Incredibles 2 (3D) and it was fun. Highly recommend.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Insulin
I got a call from the nurse at the RPL specialist's office to go over the results from the bloodwork I took last week. They tested for a bunch of stuff (9 vials of blood) and almost everything came back fine, including glucose, except insulin. She went over the numbers - they like seeing the 2 hr insulin under 40 and mine was just under 60. In my mind that's not atrocious but I really don't know anything about it. Apparently high insulin levels are toxic to a developing fetus. She offered two solutions: lifestyle change or medication.
Lifestyle change:
Lifestyle change:
- Low-carb, low-sugar, high vegetable diet. Lean meats. Whole grains. Limited fruit.
- Exercise at least 30 min a day (if not there yet, work on getting there)
- Lose weight
I think if I do the first two, weight loss is inevitable.
Medication:
- Metformin
Now I understand message boards full of ladies talking about PCOS and pre-diabetes taking metformin and suddenly having successful pregnancies. It's not only to control sugar but it also takes care of insulin as a happy side effect without anyone actually realizing. Another simple blood test they can take at the beginning of fertility treatment to get information before waiting for a loss to occur.
I asked the nurse if I was pre-diabetic and the answer wasn't clear. I understood her answer to say that I'm pre-pre-diabetic. In other words, if left untreated and things continue to deteriorate then I may become pre-diabetic and then eventually develop diabetes.
I opted to try the lifestyle change first. I'd much rather eat healthier and exercise (something I should be doing anyway) rather than take more medication that comes with its own slew of side effects. I also want to address the issue instead of putting a bandaid on it. I always knew I could do better with diet and exercise but it's disturbing to hear that a blood test confirmed I'm failing at taking care of myself. Maybe it's not what the results say but that's what it feels like.
Google isn't helping at all. Results all link insulin issues with high glucose and pcos but I don't have either issue. For the record, I also never drink anything nearly remotely similar to the vile drink they gave me so how accurate is that test anyway. I eat plenty of crap and I know that's a defensive excuse, but it still feels counterproductive. They should have me bring a regular breakfast that I'd normally eat.
I may contact a nutritionist for some clarification. I'm not planning to "cheat" but I want to understand what happens when I'm not on top of my food 100% of the time. Such as, if I go on an appropriate diet and then go out for a celebration dinner - will that kill a developing fetus? If I eat well, exercise, and possibly lose weight but my insulin levels still test high would that mean I still have to continue that diet AND go on metformin?
The nurse said they generally don't retest but I requested having another test in a few months, before we do a transfer. Just so that we know. I think it's important to have all the information before risking an embryo.
So... more things to make this summer interesting. Egg white omelettes, here I come.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Reasons
As baseline for IVF 7 approaches I've been getting a strong desire to do a transfer instead of a retrieval. I've got baby fever and just want to be pregnant and get the show on the road toward 9 h&h months and be over recovery and just enjoy my baby.
But I know it doesn't work that way. Not in my world. Transfer doesn't necessarily equal pregnancy and so we have to make decisions for the long run.
There are good reasons to wait for a transfer:
Those reasons are what's keeping me from pushing for an immediate transfer. My husband believes retrieving now is better but would support a transfer instead, especially if I said I can't handle another retrieval now. I don't want to be the reason the retrieval is canceled so as much as I hate the process I'd rather not think about it too much and just get it over with. Sometimes knowing what to expect is good and bad. In this case I know it will suck, I know it will hurt, I know I will be miserable and emotional... but I also know that it will pass and that even though it will suck for a while, it won't be forever.
But I know it doesn't work that way. Not in my world. Transfer doesn't necessarily equal pregnancy and so we have to make decisions for the long run.
There are good reasons to wait for a transfer:
- First, if we do another retrieval then we potentially have more embryos. It's better age-wise and recovery-wise. Before winter break is the best time to do a retrieval so that I have time to recover physically and emotionally from the hormones.
- Second, I'm doing well on my diet and really want to give it a chance to get to my goal weight (now 19.6 lbs away). I've been yo-yoing back and forth for years and I want to hunker down and get it done. I know my weight will jump back up after retrieval when I don't have the energy to exercise any self-control -- especially since it will be right around Chanukah -- but I know I can do it if I focus, and what better way than using a healthy preg as motivation. I'm far enough removed from the last loss to let myself believe it's an actual possibility, not just an irrational fantasy.
- Third, I'd really like to give a chance to see the endocrinologist before a transfer if possible. Our appointment is scheduled for end of January. Originally that timeline was perfect when it included a Jan trip. Now that the trip may not be happening there's no need to wait until Feb to do a transfer.
Those reasons are what's keeping me from pushing for an immediate transfer. My husband believes retrieving now is better but would support a transfer instead, especially if I said I can't handle another retrieval now. I don't want to be the reason the retrieval is canceled so as much as I hate the process I'd rather not think about it too much and just get it over with. Sometimes knowing what to expect is good and bad. In this case I know it will suck, I know it will hurt, I know I will be miserable and emotional... but I also know that it will pass and that even though it will suck for a while, it won't be forever.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Ordered
I finally crossed "buy meds" off my list. Of course there was multiple hold times with Freedom and the person had to call me back. It's never simple with them. It is what it is.... bye-bye thousands of dollars.
I went back to read my blog from this time last year. It's so sad. I can't even think of anything I want to do less than go through that again. Yet here we are... starting another cycle.
I had a mini-career crisis today. It feels like I'm stuck in a position where they see me in a certain way and I have nowhere to grow. I do look around at other open positions and occasionally apply and interview, but it's not like I'm getting comparable offers left and right. There are also so many good things about my job that I don't want to lose if I leave.
After venting to a friend who used to work there and knows the dynamics of the place, I felt better. I realized I want to figure out a way to get ahead at my current place rather than give up and try somewhere else. A decade ago I was so ambitious but these days it feels like all my energy is spent on gearing up and recovering from cycles. Being aware of that makes me want to try to rediscover some of that ambition and try new things.
In diet news I'm exactly the same weight as baseline from IVF 6. That means I'm just under the limit but want to get more of a cushion. I've been at this weight for about two years +/- five pounds. My newest goal is to get to a certain number by transfer day, whenever that happens to be. Right now I'm 21.4 lbs away from that number. I have a little time until baseline but Thanksgiving is right in between so I'll have to be careful not to overdo it that day.
I went back to read my blog from this time last year. It's so sad. I can't even think of anything I want to do less than go through that again. Yet here we are... starting another cycle.
I had a mini-career crisis today. It feels like I'm stuck in a position where they see me in a certain way and I have nowhere to grow. I do look around at other open positions and occasionally apply and interview, but it's not like I'm getting comparable offers left and right. There are also so many good things about my job that I don't want to lose if I leave.
After venting to a friend who used to work there and knows the dynamics of the place, I felt better. I realized I want to figure out a way to get ahead at my current place rather than give up and try somewhere else. A decade ago I was so ambitious but these days it feels like all my energy is spent on gearing up and recovering from cycles. Being aware of that makes me want to try to rediscover some of that ambition and try new things.
In diet news I'm exactly the same weight as baseline from IVF 6. That means I'm just under the limit but want to get more of a cushion. I've been at this weight for about two years +/- five pounds. My newest goal is to get to a certain number by transfer day, whenever that happens to be. Right now I'm 21.4 lbs away from that number. I have a little time until baseline but Thanksgiving is right in between so I'll have to be careful not to overdo it that day.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Diet
Dear Future Self,
In case you need to drop 5 lbs again in a jiffy, here's what worked in the past:
In case you need to drop 5 lbs again in a jiffy, here's what worked in the past:
- Use myfitnesspal.com to track calories. They give you an allotment of 1400 calories per day based on your weight but if you eat closer to 1100 you'll lose weight faster. Count everything.
- Drink water. I know you hate it but do it anyway. It will keep you full and away from snacks. It takes energy for your body to warm it up so you also burn a few calories with every sip. Plus, added bonus of getting in those steps walking to the bathroom hourly. It's a feature, not a bug!
- Choose healthy. I know you'll lose weight if you stay within your allotted calories regardless of what you eat, but if you make good choices for those calories you won't be as hungry. For example, when avoiding sugar and white flour you lose faster. When you fill up on veggies and proteins, using fruit as desserts, the lbs are less stubborn in coming off. Don't go nuts - stay within your calories even for the healthy stuff. It will help you avoid blood sugar crashes and even hunger pangs. If you don't start with the junk food, you don't have the taste and it's easier to avoid so just stay away.
- Soup. So what if it's summer, just do it. I know you'd rather eat Chinese food or doughnuts for dinner, but soup is filling and nutrient dense and lower in calories than anything else you'd fill up on.
- Weigh in daily. Accountability is key and avoidance is not an option. It's motivating to see numbers go down. It's depressing to see numbers go up but necessary to stay on track.
- Go walking. The new app that maps out your run is more motivating than you can imagine. Even 20 min is better than nothing.
- Find motivation. Something that speaks to you. Suddenly the cookie doesn't seem as enticing when there's a a fear of a cycle getting canceled.
TL;DR Eat less.
Love,
Summer Self
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
IVF 6: Day 3
We're cruising along. I feel like this cycle snuck up on me. I had to downplay it significantly to face it and suddenly we're in the middle of it. Maybe I'm just used to this by now that it's not as overwhelming.
I was trying to guess what day retrieval will be. In the past I've stimmed 12-13 days, with trigger most commonly on day 14. It's only 16 days total, from baseline to retrieval. In the grand scheme of things that's barely a blip on the radar. It's really the weeks before and after that extend it so much. For example, the two weeks after retrieval, feeling bloated and trying to get back to yourself physically, are really rough. That's also the time waiting for the hcg to leave your body and the return of your cycle. For us, it's also the time we wait for results of our PGD testing. The cycle technically lasts 16 days but in reality it's closer to a month if we know it was successful.
The beginning of August was when I started feeling like myself again, specifically after I got my first period post-miscarriage. It was like waking up from a deep fog that had taken over our entire existence for the previous two and a half months. It was part of the reason I needed to postpone the cycle. I just wasn't ready to start all over again.
In the interim I feel like I've grown a thicker skin. So what if we haven't had kids yet. It may happen. It may even not. We'll do our best and see where life leads us. The losses were sad; very sad. But it happens. It was a medical disappointment that happens in the world. It could still end happily for us. The sun still shines, the birds still sing, the world continues. I totally got this.
But then I started hormones and my rose-colored glasses shattered. The back to school videos and pictures completely unfazed me last week, but this week I get a pang in my gut whenever they show up on my newsfeed. I cleaned up our guest room and found some crayons left by my niece and got a lump in my throat. What really made me tear up is that I convinced myself that a family member is likely to announce a pregnancy soon. Their kid got to be the baby in the family for a while until a cousin was born. All these babies are growing up together and it bothers me so much that my kids are missing out because they haven't been born yet.
Which means I'm back to the danger spot of having hope. Hoping for success. Hoping it will work. Hoping this is it. The more I hope the harder the disappointment. This is only day 3... I'm going to be on a lot more hormones before it's all said and done.
So while it's "only" 13 days of hormones, each day feels like an eternity. Each minute is consumed with thoughts churning in my mind, alternating between what-ifs and worst case scenarios. GoT is over but I have reruns to keep me occupied. Conan is in Israel and his fb live posts are hilarious. I scheduled an outing with friends and am planning to get a mani/pedi for the weekend. I also got the cleaning crew to come scrub my house. I'm doing whatever it takes to stay happy and sane during these weeks, especially since stress-eating is not an option.
Speaking of diet news, I'm down two lbs from baseline, extending my cushion to 4.6 lbs. Instead of complaining about how much it sucks to diet right now, every time I get a craving I add it to a list and we'll party after retrieval. Looking forward!
I was trying to guess what day retrieval will be. In the past I've stimmed 12-13 days, with trigger most commonly on day 14. It's only 16 days total, from baseline to retrieval. In the grand scheme of things that's barely a blip on the radar. It's really the weeks before and after that extend it so much. For example, the two weeks after retrieval, feeling bloated and trying to get back to yourself physically, are really rough. That's also the time waiting for the hcg to leave your body and the return of your cycle. For us, it's also the time we wait for results of our PGD testing. The cycle technically lasts 16 days but in reality it's closer to a month if we know it was successful.
The beginning of August was when I started feeling like myself again, specifically after I got my first period post-miscarriage. It was like waking up from a deep fog that had taken over our entire existence for the previous two and a half months. It was part of the reason I needed to postpone the cycle. I just wasn't ready to start all over again.
In the interim I feel like I've grown a thicker skin. So what if we haven't had kids yet. It may happen. It may even not. We'll do our best and see where life leads us. The losses were sad; very sad. But it happens. It was a medical disappointment that happens in the world. It could still end happily for us. The sun still shines, the birds still sing, the world continues. I totally got this.
But then I started hormones and my rose-colored glasses shattered. The back to school videos and pictures completely unfazed me last week, but this week I get a pang in my gut whenever they show up on my newsfeed. I cleaned up our guest room and found some crayons left by my niece and got a lump in my throat. What really made me tear up is that I convinced myself that a family member is likely to announce a pregnancy soon. Their kid got to be the baby in the family for a while until a cousin was born. All these babies are growing up together and it bothers me so much that my kids are missing out because they haven't been born yet.
Which means I'm back to the danger spot of having hope. Hoping for success. Hoping it will work. Hoping this is it. The more I hope the harder the disappointment. This is only day 3... I'm going to be on a lot more hormones before it's all said and done.
So while it's "only" 13 days of hormones, each day feels like an eternity. Each minute is consumed with thoughts churning in my mind, alternating between what-ifs and worst case scenarios. GoT is over but I have reruns to keep me occupied. Conan is in Israel and his fb live posts are hilarious. I scheduled an outing with friends and am planning to get a mani/pedi for the weekend. I also got the cleaning crew to come scrub my house. I'm doing whatever it takes to stay happy and sane during these weeks, especially since stress-eating is not an option.
Speaking of diet news, I'm down two lbs from baseline, extending my cushion to 4.6 lbs. Instead of complaining about how much it sucks to diet right now, every time I get a craving I add it to a list and we'll party after retrieval. Looking forward!
Monday, January 9, 2017
So Monday
No stories with my saline sonogram/mock transfer appointment this morning - just the way I like it.
After the appointment I went to visit my sister and her baby in the NICU. It was really warm in the room and I was feeling so faint. I worried I might pass out and the last thing I wanted to do was to make a scene and take away attention from the baby in the NICU. I had a snack and felt a little better.
After the appointment I went to visit my sister and her baby in the NICU. It was really warm in the room and I was feeling so faint. I worried I might pass out and the last thing I wanted to do was to make a scene and take away attention from the baby in the NICU. I had a snack and felt a little better.
I calculated what I ate the past few days and realized I need to be much more mindful of what I've been eating. When I started my diet over a week ago I planned to eat about 1200 calories per day. With the stress of the NICU situation I've lost my appetite and I've barely made it to 1000 calories per day, normally taking home most of my lunch to be recycled for the next day. Yesterday's fast took me even lower, at barely 600 calories, since my stomach was unsettled at dinner and all I had for the day was soup, pasta, and some ginger ale.
I want to lose weight but not at the expense of losing my marbles. I have to be able to stand in a warm room and not pass out. I'd rather lose slower rather than deal with this again. I'm planning to be more mindful of my calorie intake, adding more vegetables and soup into it for a filling high volume/low calorie option. I also stocked my purse with a few candies in case this happens again and I need a quick spike. I've never had blood sugar related issues, but I'll plan to ask my regular doctor at my physical in March just in case.
We decided to go head with IVF 5. It's hard to believe we're talking about a fifth cycle. Yikes. We're going to do a repeat of IVF 2 (December 2015) where we'll do an IVF cycle and then transfer the remaining frozen embryo instead of a fresh one, since it's already genetically tested. I hope we have more success with this protocol than we did with IVF 2. We're adding the anti-inflammatory and blood thinners for this cycle. There's nothing pointing us to believe that there's an issue with either of these but we're willing to try anything.
I want to lose weight but not at the expense of losing my marbles. I have to be able to stand in a warm room and not pass out. I'd rather lose slower rather than deal with this again. I'm planning to be more mindful of my calorie intake, adding more vegetables and soup into it for a filling high volume/low calorie option. I also stocked my purse with a few candies in case this happens again and I need a quick spike. I've never had blood sugar related issues, but I'll plan to ask my regular doctor at my physical in March just in case.
We decided to go head with IVF 5. It's hard to believe we're talking about a fifth cycle. Yikes. We're going to do a repeat of IVF 2 (December 2015) where we'll do an IVF cycle and then transfer the remaining frozen embryo instead of a fresh one, since it's already genetically tested. I hope we have more success with this protocol than we did with IVF 2. We're adding the anti-inflammatory and blood thinners for this cycle. There's nothing pointing us to believe that there's an issue with either of these but we're willing to try anything.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Hello 2017
It's the beginning of a new year. I've set my expectations pretty low. I have a list of resolutions, but more on that in a minute.
When I do actually take the time to listen to someone it's because I'm interested. They have my full attention and I'm engaged in the conversation. It irks me to no end if someone else interrupts and starts with their own tale about a related topic.
As my husband and I complained to each other how awful 2016 has been to us, he took a minute to talk about how it wasn't all bad. That's true. We take for granted the things that are going well and get tunnel vision about the things that aren't going our way. We are very lucky and we are grateful for everything we continue getting on a daily basis.
I took some time to be depressed. I was off work for winter break and figured that I can be as sad as I want. I really let myself sink. I cried when I wanted to. I blasted music when I felt like it. I got bored and lonely at times. I tried new things when I felt like it. Most importantly I didn't feel the need to justify anything to anyone or explain why I was doing what I was doing. I figured it was necessary to let myself feel the feelings I need to and get them out of my system before going back to work and facing a new chapter of fertility treatment.
I can't say it was marvelous. It was fine. But it helped a lot. I realized that the challenges we've faced have made me stronger. Stronger in that I am able to keep my emotions at bay around people now. Stronger in that I am able to take bad news. Stronger because I resolve to not give up just because the path is difficult. I've kind of built an armor around my heart for protection and it helped get me through some rough times.
But a side effect of that is that I've lost patience. I notice it in my earlier posts on this blog as it happens gradually and it was only recently that I realized what it is. I used to have a people-pleasing attitude and I just don't care about that anymore. In my mind, the attitude is that if they don't like what I'm presenting then that's their problem. This has become an issue because with the lack of patience I'm quick to get agitated. It's not a quality I'm happy about.
I noticed it specifically with family members and coworkers. I have no patience for chit chat anymore. I don't care about how people's weekend was. I don't care about how their kid is doing in college. I don't care about their holiday company stories. I don't care to pretend to listen, either.
When I do actually take the time to listen to someone it's because I'm interested. They have my full attention and I'm engaged in the conversation. It irks me to no end if someone else interrupts and starts with their own tale about a related topic.
Now that I've noticed it, I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't know if it needs fixing, per se, but I recognize that it can unpleasant to be around someone so broody. I also don't need that kind of negativity in my head because it's not just me getting agitated - it translates into an internal conflict about how I would like nothing more than to snap at someone or bite their head off, and not wanting that drama so I keep it bottled up and implode later.
Which brings me to my resolutions for this coming year. I'm not setting up any resolution that is beyond my control, so they are doable and achievable. By writing them out I can not only refer back to it and check things off, but also when it's written down I'm held accountable.
- Set up an appointment with a therapist. I know there's a stigma around therapy. I also don't want to be medicated unnecessarily. But I do feel that it's beneficial to reach out for help, not only for me but also for my husband. I think we can both benefit from an objective outside professional's opinion about what we're going through. First step is to find someone good and I'm not sure where to start.
- Lose weight. I don't have a number in mind. I just want to be healthy. Tomorrow is day 1 for Medifast.
- Dress for the job I want. I dress fine, but I know I could step it up. I usually stick to simple and comfortable and I've always been and felt confident until recently (failure of FET 4). I was never into accessories or brand names or wearing a full face of makeup unless it's for a special occasion. I'm not trying to change, I'm just thinking it might be beneficial to put a little more effort in.
- Get a new living room set. For fun!
- Figure out car situation
I will add to and adjust the list as necessary.
In pre-IVF news, I was able to hold off my period and today was my last pill. I expect CD1 will be Tuesday-ish, with day 3 blood on Thursday-ish. First possible baseline is 1/24 but it won't get scheduled until insurance is verified. I'm not worried about the timeline because I'm planning to use the time to lose weight.
Deep breath. Here we go.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Pre-transfer jitters
I finally broke out the aerobic step I bought a few months ago. It's embarrassing how long it took me to get motivated enough to actually use it. But I did and, along with a great YouTube video, I worked up an awesome sweat before work. They say one good deed leads to another and it's true for this too, because I even took the time to prep breakfast and pack a healthy lunch.
My new diet philosophy is 5/2: eat well 5 days during the work week and then enjoy the weekend with less restrictions. I see the most results when I low-carb but it's hard to keep that up for too long at a time, so this might be a good compromise. I've definitely enjoyed the weekend so now it's time to do the 5 'good' days. I feel like it's easier to be more structured at work so we'll see how it goes. I'm also using the free app from myfitnesspal.com and it's really helping to keep me accountable.
Today the clinic called to give us the exact time for the transfer. They always have egg retrieval surgeries in the morning and then after lunch they do transfers. The schedule depends on how many egg retrievals they will do that day, and that depends on today's bloodwork from monitoring. From past experience I knew that the surgery schedule comes out around 4 PM.
Shots are going fine. I think my butt is getting numb quicker this time because of past damage to the area from previous PIOs. It used to alarm me when the area went numb after several shots, but now I'm just embracing it and trusting that it will eventually wake up again. I was hoping it would make shots less painful but it doesn't. #itiswhatitis
Last transfer I did a recap so I can remember what I did. I'm already doing most of it - trying to eat healthy and keeping active at least 3x/week. I'm eating pineapple because I like it, so it's part of my regular snack rotation. I'm debating whether to buy pom juice and nuts again... I doubt they did anything the first time and I didn't really enjoy them. I guess it will be a game time decision when I go grocery shopping tomorrow. I booked my massage for the day before transfer. I feel like it helped me relax so for that reason it was worth it. Whether or not it helped otherwise I'll never know, but I feel like I'm doing something proactive to try to help implantation. And then there's the added day of PIO before transfer, thanks to two ERA cycles, two biopsies, and nearly $2k later. I hope that this is the ultimate trick that helps this work.
I'm anxious and excited. It's hard to put into words how much I want this to work. It's hard to admit how much I want it to work because for some reason it feels like that much more of a failure if it doesn't.
My new diet philosophy is 5/2: eat well 5 days during the work week and then enjoy the weekend with less restrictions. I see the most results when I low-carb but it's hard to keep that up for too long at a time, so this might be a good compromise. I've definitely enjoyed the weekend so now it's time to do the 5 'good' days. I feel like it's easier to be more structured at work so we'll see how it goes. I'm also using the free app from myfitnesspal.com and it's really helping to keep me accountable.
Today the clinic called to give us the exact time for the transfer. They always have egg retrieval surgeries in the morning and then after lunch they do transfers. The schedule depends on how many egg retrievals they will do that day, and that depends on today's bloodwork from monitoring. From past experience I knew that the surgery schedule comes out around 4 PM.
Shots are going fine. I think my butt is getting numb quicker this time because of past damage to the area from previous PIOs. It used to alarm me when the area went numb after several shots, but now I'm just embracing it and trusting that it will eventually wake up again. I was hoping it would make shots less painful but it doesn't. #itiswhatitis
Last transfer I did a recap so I can remember what I did. I'm already doing most of it - trying to eat healthy and keeping active at least 3x/week. I'm eating pineapple because I like it, so it's part of my regular snack rotation. I'm debating whether to buy pom juice and nuts again... I doubt they did anything the first time and I didn't really enjoy them. I guess it will be a game time decision when I go grocery shopping tomorrow. I booked my massage for the day before transfer. I feel like it helped me relax so for that reason it was worth it. Whether or not it helped otherwise I'll never know, but I feel like I'm doing something proactive to try to help implantation. And then there's the added day of PIO before transfer, thanks to two ERA cycles, two biopsies, and nearly $2k later. I hope that this is the ultimate trick that helps this work.
I'm anxious and excited. It's hard to put into words how much I want this to work. It's hard to admit how much I want it to work because for some reason it feels like that much more of a failure if it doesn't.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Nervous
Tomorrow is my second baseline appointment and I've been worried and anxious all day. I've kept a really trim diet over the past week which was difficult over the holiday but I stuck with it.
This morning I weighed myself and there was no change from Sunday's weight, which was lower than the clinic's recorded weight by 4.2 lbs. I'm worried that it's not enough. I'm worried that there is too much of a difference in the two scales, both digital, but still. I'm worried that we'll have to wait an entire month for my next cycle to get started.
This morning I weighed myself and there was no change from Sunday's weight, which was lower than the clinic's recorded weight by 4.2 lbs. I'm worried that it's not enough. I'm worried that there is too much of a difference in the two scales, both digital, but still. I'm worried that we'll have to wait an entire month for my next cycle to get started.
All day I tried to think of ways to get an 'edge' in case it comes down to a minuscule amount. Like, I was trying to contemplate what to wear that won't add extra weight. Since I couldn't stop thinking about it, I actually weighed the clothes I wore last week (weighed myself, then weighed myself again holding the clothing) to see that they actually weigh 1.4 lbs. Getting weighed unclothed is not an option.
I drank so much water today that I'm hungry and stuffed at the same time. I trimmed my nails because it was time, but when I thought of it I was like, "Oh, there go another few ounces!" I'll find some normal, light clothing and I'll shower tonight instead of the morning so my hair isn't wet. Once I started thinking that maybe I should trim my hair I realized I've taken it too far. It is what it is. If we need to wait another cycle, so be it. I hope it's not the case.
I drank so much water today that I'm hungry and stuffed at the same time. I trimmed my nails because it was time, but when I thought of it I was like, "Oh, there go another few ounces!" I'll find some normal, light clothing and I'll shower tonight instead of the morning so my hair isn't wet. Once I started thinking that maybe I should trim my hair I realized I've taken it too far. It is what it is. If we need to wait another cycle, so be it. I hope it's not the case.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Pleasant
Ever since we heard the results from the ERA that my uterine lining has been pre-receptive, I've felt a relief about treatment, which translated to calmness in all other aspects of life. I don't feel rushed or pressured about transferring as quickly as possible, because I'm so hopeful that fixing the timing issue is the silver bullet that will help the next transfer. I know that the higher you hope the harder the fall, but I'm holding on to hope until proven otherwise.
It's been pleasant not worrying as much. It's also helpful to know there's only one more night of shots before the biopsy. Those things are the worst and unless there's an embryo transfer it doesn't feel worth it.
In other news, we got a new mattress! It's a Stearns & Foster Tinsley Ultra Firm. It's the equivalent of a board of wood covered in a thin blanket. Very firm. I'm not a fan but my husband is thrilled, so everyone is happy.
I've been feeling so bloated the past few days. I'm not sure if it's just the meds or my change of diet but it's been awful. I went clothes shopping this morning and ironically, I had actually gone down a size! So it's an internal feeling, not necessarily outwardly bloat - if that makes any sense.
ERA biopsy II is on Tuesday and I took off the morning. I'm supposed to work late that night but I may call out for that part of the day, depending on how I feel. I remember last time I took the whole day off but I didn't need it for physical pain, it was more like I was sad and feeling sorry for myself so taking the time to chill helped. I think I'm in a better headspace this time, but I'll play it by ear and see how things go.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Lose to win
I stepped on the scale this morning and didn't like what I saw. I was supposed to lose weight, not gain it! I had an eff-it attitude last week about diet and exercise and this is the result. I'm annoyed with myself because I knew it was happening and didn't do anything about it. I'm up four lbs from last time I weighed in. I could say it's water weight or some other excuse but I know I didn't work out last week and I didn't bother counting calories. Sometimes I think it's good to take a break from strictness, but ugh... hate these results.
I feel great and am happy with how I look so I can't use either one as a motivator to try and lose weight. I have a lot of self-confidence and never struggled with body image issues, but I know that to be healthy and carry healthy pregnancies I need to keep losing weight. So the struggle continues....
I thought about trying South Beach diet for a week just to shake things up, but it's very restrictive. I do better with limiting calories rather than limiting full food groups. I've had past success using myfitnesspal.com and counting calories. I think I just need to reintroduce soups and salads into our rotating menu which are filling and low-cal.
I want to get to a point where I'm eating normal and healthy without constantly thinking about weight, but I don't think that's an option. That's why people gain back all their weight: they stop thinking about it and stop actively maintaining which is how the weight creeps back plus more. Over the past three years I've lost 30 lbs. I've managed to keep most of it off, oscillating with the scale plus or minus 5 lbs every so often, but not ever getting past a certain point up or down. It's good and bad: I haven't lost any more but I also didn't gain it back so I consider it a win. I was hoping to lose another 10-15 lbs, especially before a next transfer. I don't know if the hormones are playing a factor in this, but I'm sure they're not helping matters. I know I retain weight when I'm on pills and I can only imagine what the shots are doing. It's not an excuse, but I try to keep realistic expectations.
I used to have a gym membership but I got rid of it in favor of working out at home and outdoors. In the past few weeks I've been debating whether it might be worth it to go back. While I prefer walking/jogging outside in the fresh air and not dealing with driving to a gym, I miss working out in air conditioning and the group fitness classes. The gym has membership dues and I don't know that I'll use it enough to justify the cost. Plus, I know that staying fit and active is important but to lose weight it's the eating habits that need immediate change.
So I don't yet have a plan and tomorrow is my baseline appointment for the ERA biopsy test. At times it feels like there's so much waiting time between appointments and procedures and yet every baseline appointment seems to sneak up on me. We're at this again? Already?
I feel great and am happy with how I look so I can't use either one as a motivator to try and lose weight. I have a lot of self-confidence and never struggled with body image issues, but I know that to be healthy and carry healthy pregnancies I need to keep losing weight. So the struggle continues....
I thought about trying South Beach diet for a week just to shake things up, but it's very restrictive. I do better with limiting calories rather than limiting full food groups. I've had past success using myfitnesspal.com and counting calories. I think I just need to reintroduce soups and salads into our rotating menu which are filling and low-cal.
I want to get to a point where I'm eating normal and healthy without constantly thinking about weight, but I don't think that's an option. That's why people gain back all their weight: they stop thinking about it and stop actively maintaining which is how the weight creeps back plus more. Over the past three years I've lost 30 lbs. I've managed to keep most of it off, oscillating with the scale plus or minus 5 lbs every so often, but not ever getting past a certain point up or down. It's good and bad: I haven't lost any more but I also didn't gain it back so I consider it a win. I was hoping to lose another 10-15 lbs, especially before a next transfer. I don't know if the hormones are playing a factor in this, but I'm sure they're not helping matters. I know I retain weight when I'm on pills and I can only imagine what the shots are doing. It's not an excuse, but I try to keep realistic expectations.
I used to have a gym membership but I got rid of it in favor of working out at home and outdoors. In the past few weeks I've been debating whether it might be worth it to go back. While I prefer walking/jogging outside in the fresh air and not dealing with driving to a gym, I miss working out in air conditioning and the group fitness classes. The gym has membership dues and I don't know that I'll use it enough to justify the cost. Plus, I know that staying fit and active is important but to lose weight it's the eating habits that need immediate change.
So I don't yet have a plan and tomorrow is my baseline appointment for the ERA biopsy test. At times it feels like there's so much waiting time between appointments and procedures and yet every baseline appointment seems to sneak up on me. We're at this again? Already?
I think I will start by making a menu for the week. Planning is three-quarters of the battle and if I set myself up for success I'm a lot more likely to do well. I'll also plan to wake up half an hour earlier and get in a walk before the day starts. If I really want to lose weight before a transfer, I have to get serious about it and putting it in writing helps make me accountable. It's a start.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
FET tips and tricks
I've been scouring the internet trying to research things that have worked for other people have successful FETs. Tips and tricks range from old wives tales to doing nothing different at all. There's no magic bullet.
Here's what I found so far:
- Eat pineapple core. On transfer day, days following transfer day, sometimes for all transfer week.
- Eat Brazilian nuts
- Drink pomegranate juice
- Eat green leafy veg and lots of protein
- Get acupuncture starting 3 months before transfer, with sessions on day of transfer before and after
- Bedrest after transfer, take time off
- Stay active after transfer with light walks, no need for bedrest
- Comedy after transfer
- Keep feet warm after transfer
- Eat warm foods, cooked foods after transfer
Here's what I found so far:
- Eat pineapple core. On transfer day, days following transfer day, sometimes for all transfer week.
- Eat Brazilian nuts
- Drink pomegranate juice
- Eat green leafy veg and lots of protein
- Get acupuncture starting 3 months before transfer, with sessions on day of transfer before and after
- Bedrest after transfer, take time off
- Stay active after transfer with light walks, no need for bedrest
- Comedy after transfer
- Keep feet warm after transfer
- Eat warm foods, cooked foods after transfer
- Transfer more than one blast
- Test embryos with PGD testing
Some links:
Embryo Transfer: 10 Essential Tips for Success
Implantation after IVF: 10 Crucial Tips
7 Ways to Prepare for Transfer at Home
5 Steps to prepare for a Frozen Embryo Transfer
The bottom line is that if any of this stuff was necessary, it would be required by my clinic. I am happy to try different things within reason but these lists of preparations border on superstition/obsession. I get that people want to have the best chance possible, but I'm not sure these tricks are what tip the odds. Even so, I'm willing to try some of them. I'm still not sold on acupuncture even though so many places recommend it. It's not readily offered here and it's more stressful to try and find a licensed therapist to do it so I'll skip it this time. As of now, here's my plan.
In the weeks leading up to transfer and thereafter:
- Continue with the meds prescribed by the clinic: del estrogen and progesterone. This one seems obvious but it is the only part of the protocol actually required by the clinic and is the most significant of the FET protocol.
- Continue with prenatal vitamin daily. Add separate Vitamin D as suggested by clinic.
- Continue with healthy eating of a balanced diet with high protein and minimum processed food.
- Continue with exercise routine. Add strength training twice a week.
For week of transfer:
- Schedule a massage for day before transfer
- Plan to take the day off work for transfer day. Take it easy the rest of the week, but no need to stay home.
- Plan for some good movies/TV and reading material for transfer day. Always happy for a reason to watch my favorite comics.
- Make big pots of chicken soup and beef broth to keep hydrated before and after transfer day and for the following days after.
- Add pineapple core, pom juice, avocado, and Brazilian nuts to my morning smoothies. I'm drinking them anyway so can't hurt to add a few more ingredients.
- Keep feet warm after transfer. I already have this down - I bought fuzzy slippers back in February when I thought we'd have an April transfer.
- Get the house professionally cleaned week of transfer.
- Stay calm and relaxed throughout the two week wait. Easier said than done. I originally planned to not do any HPTs but even I know that's not a realistic goal to set. Logically I know that testing or not testing won't change anything that's actually happening in there, but I'll have to make a game time decision when it's actually relevant.
I rarely drink wine or coffee so cutting those won't be an issue. I'll have to remember to stop eating deli and sushi starting that week. I did a quick Google search about other foods to avoid during pregnancy and it doesn't look like any of those foods are generally in my regular diet (soft cheeses, sea food, raw egg products).
Embryo Transfer: 10 Essential Tips for Success
Implantation after IVF: 10 Crucial Tips
7 Ways to Prepare for Transfer at Home
5 Steps to prepare for a Frozen Embryo Transfer
The bottom line is that if any of this stuff was necessary, it would be required by my clinic. I am happy to try different things within reason but these lists of preparations border on superstition/obsession. I get that people want to have the best chance possible, but I'm not sure these tricks are what tip the odds. Even so, I'm willing to try some of them. I'm still not sold on acupuncture even though so many places recommend it. It's not readily offered here and it's more stressful to try and find a licensed therapist to do it so I'll skip it this time. As of now, here's my plan.
In the weeks leading up to transfer and thereafter:
- Continue with the meds prescribed by the clinic: del estrogen and progesterone. This one seems obvious but it is the only part of the protocol actually required by the clinic and is the most significant of the FET protocol.
- Continue with prenatal vitamin daily. Add separate Vitamin D as suggested by clinic.
- Continue with healthy eating of a balanced diet with high protein and minimum processed food.
- Continue with exercise routine. Add strength training twice a week.
For week of transfer:
- Schedule a massage for day before transfer
- Plan to take the day off work for transfer day. Take it easy the rest of the week, but no need to stay home.
- Plan for some good movies/TV and reading material for transfer day. Always happy for a reason to watch my favorite comics.
- Make big pots of chicken soup and beef broth to keep hydrated before and after transfer day and for the following days after.
- Add pineapple core, pom juice, avocado, and Brazilian nuts to my morning smoothies. I'm drinking them anyway so can't hurt to add a few more ingredients.
- Keep feet warm after transfer. I already have this down - I bought fuzzy slippers back in February when I thought we'd have an April transfer.
- Get the house professionally cleaned week of transfer.
- Stay calm and relaxed throughout the two week wait. Easier said than done. I originally planned to not do any HPTs but even I know that's not a realistic goal to set. Logically I know that testing or not testing won't change anything that's actually happening in there, but I'll have to make a game time decision when it's actually relevant.
I rarely drink wine or coffee so cutting those won't be an issue. I'll have to remember to stop eating deli and sushi starting that week. I did a quick Google search about other foods to avoid during pregnancy and it doesn't look like any of those foods are generally in my regular diet (soft cheeses, sea food, raw egg products).
Will any of this make a difference? I'm not convinced either way, but I'm not adverse to putting in the effort and giving it a try. I'll focus on keeping calm and stress free, and getting through the 2ww with as little anxiety as I can manage. I've starting to accept that it won't work and we'll have to do this again in a few weeks, so it's negative thoughts like that which I need to keep out of my mind.
Having only a handful of appointments is a big plus. There's the baseline, halfway check, actual transfer, and beta blood test. Four visits instead of the very tedious IVF protocol. Hoping and praying this is the right time for it to work.
Monday, May 16, 2016
T minus 4 days
I've been dreading the start of the FET cycle. My baseline appointment is Friday and it seems like it's looming over me. I want to start the cycle but I'm nervous it won't work. I'm worried about the hormone-induced emotional roller coaster. I'm scared it will all be for nothing and that we'll lose another embryo. I'm anxious about putting so much into something and having it fail. I remember what it was like from last time and I really don't want to go through that again.
Work has been keeping me busy which helps me push these concerns to the back of my mind. It's only when I get home I remember that I'm one more day closer to the end of "normal." Regardless of how this turns out, whatever I have now will be over. Either it works and our lives are forever changed by pregnancy, or it fails and we're once again surrounded by grief and shattered hopes.
I need to get new hair products. I realized today that I have an association with the current hair mousse I use. It happened to be that during IVF 3 I got a brand new pricey bottle of Paul Mitchell Sculpting Foam. It's actually really great - it dries soft instead of that crunchy texture other products leave behind. It has a pleasant yet distinctive smell and during my IVF cycles, it happened to be that the mornings I was rushing out the door for monitoring appointments I would just put some product in my hair and wear it curly for the day instead of taking the time to do anything with it. Well, alone in those waiting rooms all those appointments and all I could smell was my freshly pickled hair... I started associating that smell with the clinic. So now I get a reminder of that feeling of blood draws and waiting and anxiety every time I smell it, so I have an unused half-bottle I'll probably be giving away soon.
I've been doing great on my diet. I knew 3.5 lbs was too good to be true and sure enough I was back up by 1.5 lbs at the end of the week, still netting a minus 2 so I consider it a win. Still counting calories, still using myfitnesspal.com, still feeling like I'm doing what I can to help this transfer.
Meds order is scheduled to arrive tomorrow and we need to finalize some paperwork. Other than that, just waiting. In other news, we have exciting plans to see one of my favorite comics later this week and this morning I had an almost pleasant encounter with Verizon about my busted charger! All in all, a good Monday.
Work has been keeping me busy which helps me push these concerns to the back of my mind. It's only when I get home I remember that I'm one more day closer to the end of "normal." Regardless of how this turns out, whatever I have now will be over. Either it works and our lives are forever changed by pregnancy, or it fails and we're once again surrounded by grief and shattered hopes.
I need to get new hair products. I realized today that I have an association with the current hair mousse I use. It happened to be that during IVF 3 I got a brand new pricey bottle of Paul Mitchell Sculpting Foam. It's actually really great - it dries soft instead of that crunchy texture other products leave behind. It has a pleasant yet distinctive smell and during my IVF cycles, it happened to be that the mornings I was rushing out the door for monitoring appointments I would just put some product in my hair and wear it curly for the day instead of taking the time to do anything with it. Well, alone in those waiting rooms all those appointments and all I could smell was my freshly pickled hair... I started associating that smell with the clinic. So now I get a reminder of that feeling of blood draws and waiting and anxiety every time I smell it, so I have an unused half-bottle I'll probably be giving away soon.
I've been doing great on my diet. I knew 3.5 lbs was too good to be true and sure enough I was back up by 1.5 lbs at the end of the week, still netting a minus 2 so I consider it a win. Still counting calories, still using myfitnesspal.com, still feeling like I'm doing what I can to help this transfer.
Meds order is scheduled to arrive tomorrow and we need to finalize some paperwork. Other than that, just waiting. In other news, we have exciting plans to see one of my favorite comics later this week and this morning I had an almost pleasant encounter with Verizon about my busted charger! All in all, a good Monday.
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#enjoythewait
(2)
#microblogmondays
(7)
#oneatatime
(2)
10lbs plan
(16)
2016
(1)
2017
(4)
2018
(1)
2ww
(17)
AC
(2)
acupuncture
(2)
adult
(1)
all or nothing
(3)
Amazon
(1)
anxiety
(28)
appointment
(1)
baby names
(1)
back pain
(2)
badass
(1)
baseline
(3)
beach
(1)
bedroom
(2)
benefits
(1)
beta
(7)
biopsy
(5)
birthday
(8)
blessed
(1)
blogs
(4)
blood pressure
(3)
bloodwork
(33)
book club
(1)
bugs
(1)
busy
(2)
cardiologist
(2)
career
(8)
carpe diem
(3)
CD138
(5)
challenge
(2)
changes
(2)
chemical pregnancy
(7)
control
(2)
cost
(2)
coverage
(2)
cramps
(6)
crime
(1)
crown
(6)
D&C
(3)
diet
(22)
dream
(2)
egg retrieval
(12)
embryos
(27)
EMMA
(4)
endo scratch
(5)
endocrinologist
(8)
endometritis
(1)
ENT
(1)
ERA
(31)
ERA II
(6)
eyes
(4)
Facebook
(5)
fear of failure
(4)
FET #3
(22)
FET #4
(26)
FET #5
(27)
FET #6
(19)
FET #7
(1)
FET #9
(1)
FET prep
(42)
fitness
(1)
food
(4)
friends
(2)
furniture
(4)
Game of Thrones
(1)
gassy
(2)
glucose/insulin
(2)
goals
(8)
guests
(2)
gym
(3)
halacha
(5)
healthy menu
(4)
heart
(2)
hobbies
(4)
holiday
(3)
home
(1)
home decor
(11)
hopeful
(13)
HPT
(7)
HSG
(2)
Hurricane Matthew
(1)
hysteroscopy
(10)
imwithher
(1)
incident
(1)
insulin
(1)
insurance
(12)
interview
(2)
island
(2)
Israel
(3)
IVF #3
(13)
IVF #4
(14)
IVF #5
(24)
IVF #6
(17)
IVF #7
(15)
IVF #8
(13)
IVF tips
(3)
IVF treatment
(42)
job
(3)
journey
(2)
Judaism
(1)
juggling
(1)
lining
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loss
(2)
lucky
(1)
mail fraud
(2)
mattress
(2)
medication
(3)
membership
(1)
mental health
(1)
MitoScore
(1)
mole
(2)
money
(2)
moody
(2)
natural cycle
(1)
nesting
(1)
new york
(2)
non-IVF
(6)
November 2016
(2)
numb
(2)
olympics
(2)
p'ru urvu
(1)
pain
(3)
passion project
(1)
passover
(11)
path
(2)
patience
(4)
perspective
(3)
pesach
(19)
PGD
(14)
phase
(1)
PIO
(9)
plan
(2)
pop
(2)
pottery
(4)
prayer
(1)
pregnant
(15)
pupo
(20)
purim
(3)
reconstruction
(4)
remodeling
(3)
research
(1)
resolutions
(2)
responsibility
(1)
results
(21)
road map
(2)
roof
(1)
root canal
(2)
Rosh Hashana
(4)
RPL
(8)
sac
(1)
sad
(6)
Shabbat
(5)
sharing news
(1)
shavuot
(4)
shots
(1)
snow
(1)
social media
(2)
social media cringe
(2)
special
(1)
specialist
(3)
spending
(1)
spring
(1)
stain test
(3)
staycation
(1)
stress
(1)
sukkot
(2)
summer
(4)
support
(5)
surgery
(1)
Survivor
(3)
symptoms
(40)
Tdap
(1)
terrific trio
(1)
testing
(3)
Thankful
(3)
therapy
(4)
thinner in 30
(1)
thoughtless
(1)
thoughts
(22)
thyroid
(6)
timeline
(5)
tips
(1)
trigger
(2)
trip
(13)
TTC
(3)
TV
(4)
ultrasound
(20)
update
(8)
upgrade
(1)
vacation
(12)
varicocele
(2)
vegging
(3)
waiting
(26)
warm feet
(1)
Wegmans
(2)
willpower
(3)
wishlist
(1)
work
(9)
work politics
(3)
workout
(3)
worry
(13)
yoatzot
(1)
zika
(5)