FET #3 Recap

For two glorious weeks post transfer I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. My boobs were sore, there was activity in my uterus in a way unlike I've felt before starting from transfer day. My underarms weren't as sweaty even though we were going through a heat wave and our AC was broken for the first week of the pregnancy.  Things tasted different, they smelled different. I excused these as side effects of the medication, not really believing that it was related to a pregnancy.

I took daily HPTs starting from day 3 and when I saw the faint line on day 5 I knew it worked. The line kept getting darker as the days progressed and I knew that things were fine. The positive line on the HPTs reassured me that things were ok and kept me calm. Friday before Beta #1 was the darkest it ever got, day 10dp6dt. By day 11 it stopped getting darker. By 13 it was the same as 11 but I was going in for bloodwork that morning and felt reassured I'll get an answer either way.

The answer was that by day 13dp6dt my HCG level was at 61.2. It wasn't good news, but there was hope because anything about 50 is considered viable. It wasn't until I spoke to my nurse on Tuesday that I started thinking something might not be ok. My body suddenly felt different. I no longer had the cramps or the sore boobs. I felt... empty. I knew it was different. By day 15 I ran out of test strips which didn't really matter because I knew it was over. I had some light brown discharge and the cramps felt different - more like period cramps, more like outer uterus than inner uterus cramping. I held on to hope because I had to, but I knew. On day 16dp6dt, or 4w3d, I got the results from the second beta that my HCG level dropped to 10.8.

Was it something I did? Was there anything I could have changed? I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know why a pregnancy doesn't take. I lifted a case of water last week, was that it? I got my eyebrows threaded on Friday, did that do it? The clinic said it was ok to have sex after 5dp the transfer but do they really know? Logically I know women do these things in early preg all the time even before knowing they're pregnant and they're fine. I'm concerned because we've transferred three normal healthy strong embryos and none of them have made it. What's going on?

To recap, here are things I did prior to the transfer. I don't know if they helped or not but I know I'll want to remember this for future cycles.

- Worked out regularly every other day, walking 2-4 miles each time in the weeks leading up to transfer and after.

- Ate healthy leading up to transfer day

- Got a massage evening before transfer

- Had pomegranate juice, pineapple, brazil nuts day of transfer and day after. Sporadically thereafter.

- Careful with prenatal pills - took one nightly since a month before transfer

- Kept warm after transfer (AC was broken which helped this one)

I can't believe it's over.

The wait was so hard and so agonizing, and at the time it felt like things were moving so slowly. At the blink of an eye it's all over and we have to start again. We're left to collect the pieces of our shattered hearts and broken dreams.