IVF 8: CD10

Back today for more monitoring. I overslept this morning. I couldn't get out of bed when my alarm rang and then dozed off, resulting in a half hour delay to the start of my morning. Worked out fine because when I got in, there were only three people ahead of me instead of the usual 10+ and even though I got in at 8, I still got seen at 8:20 like I have the past two times getting there an hour earlier.

Bloodwork and ultrasound were fine. Follicles are now measuring in the 12s. They told me to make sure to have enough meds to get me through the weekend. Retrieval might be Wednesday or Thursday.

My blood pressure is much better. The headaches are slowly receding. I feel the intensity lessen every day. On Thursday I called my PCP, who is back from vacation, to ask if I need to come in for the headaches. She said that it takes time for the medication to address that symptom, even if the bp readings have stabilized. I could take something for it, like Tylenol, but wanted to make sure it wasn't something more. I'm glad that was a quick phone call instead of another appointment. I don't even care if I sound like a crazy person calling the doctor for every little thing. I'm paying for insurance premiums, this is what it's there for.

I'm 14 lbs down from the start of the summer. Still a while to get to my goal. I hope to lose another six before I get the glucose/insulin testing done again for the specialist. It's an arbitrary number but it would make for a nice round figure lost during the summer. I know the retrieval will throw a monkey wrench in this plan because I tend to crave comfort food after surgery and my will power is shot, plus the bloating and fluid retention don't help. I'll have to meal prep healthy food in advance so we don't rely on takeout.

I had to run to the specialty pharmacy for the third time this cycle to restock meds. I was trying to only take as much as I needed without going over because they're so effing expensive. But it's running me ragged. There's no delivery option and it's a 20 min drive in each direction. I know it's not a lot in theory but it's proven to be a challenge. Even more of a challenge: finding a quarter to pay the meter to park near the pharmacy. Who carries quarters anymore? It's likely that it only seems like a big deal because I've been so tired and dealing with a non-stop headache going on for a month now which sap all the energy from me.

I've been having bad dreams the past few days. Most of the time it's around 5 am and when I'm up, I'm up. It's not helping the fatigue. I think it's a symptom of all the meds. Or maybe I need to cool it with the murder mysteries on Netflix.

During my month-long quest to figure out the cause of my headache I asked my endocrinologist if I could come in to get my TSH checked to see if the dose needs to be tweaked. I went in over two weeks ago and bloodwork isn't back yet. I think they lost it. I don't love the location and I'm not wowed by the doctor - she didn't come recommended, just picked her out of an insurance list. Not sure who I'd go to instead, and now that TSH is basically under control with only 6 month follow ups, is there really a reason to switch.

What's next

So here's where things stand. My miscarriage started on Tuesday evening. I was bleeding heavily for about 24 hours and it slowed down over the weekend. By the time I went to get my hcg rechecked on Monday, I hadn't been on PIO for five days and the bleeding restarted heavily again getting rid of all that fluffy lining that was prepped for the pregnancy. My hcg measured 57. I started having really uncomfortable cramps in addition to the heavy flow. I tried tylenol but it did nothing. I had a hard time walking and even sitting at my desk was a challenge. Ibuprofen helped. It was really bad for two days before it started getting better. I think it's slowing down but it's still bright red with clots. I now understand that my period won't come for at least 4 weeks after my hcg is measured in the negative numbers. So it's going to be a while before we start anything again.

So.... what's next.

We met with our new doctor today. It was an ordeal getting there, thanks to the latest nor'easter.  I wasn't cancelling. If the doc was in we were going to make it. It was scary at parts because the snow was heavy and slushy, making the drive awful, but we got there and home with little incident, thanks to their office calling and offering an earlier appointment that opened so we got in and out before the streets became impassable.

Besides for waiting for my period, we have a long To Do list before we start another IVF:

• Start vitamins. She suggested fish oil for both of us. In addition, vitamin D3 and something else specific for me to improve egg quality (nothing shows we're getting poor quality eggs, but because it's going to be a while before we start anyway it can't hurt). 
• Schedule husband for testing by a urologist specializing in male infertility. He was tested for the regular stuff back when we first started and it all came back normal but she wants something specialized besides for the standard stuff. It's the first time a test was suggested for him instead of me; we're pro. We're on the calendar for first available appointment: May. 
• See a specialist for recurrent early loss. We're on the calendar for first available appointment: October. 
• Send records of pap spear and breast exam. Regular stuff they want to make sure I'm not ignoring. 
• See if I can get embryo reports from my old clinic. Nothing was mentioned in my medical file, which I think is weird. I emailed my old doc for info. 
• Infectious disease bloodwork needs to be repeated every six months. 
• Besides for the medical stuff, I need to get authorized by insurance which needs a period start date to verify, and I need to register with my insurance fertility hotline. 

Some of this is because we're switching clinics and we're starting everything from scratch. It's an ordeal and part of the reason we hesitated switching as long as we did. But we're at the point where all in.

I can't imagine we'll get to an IVF before summer. I guess I'm ok with that because I don't want to keep cranking them out with no results. We left today's appointment feeling drained and hopeful at the same time. There are new things to test; there are new things to try; there are specialists we can see and ask questions and possibly get to the bottom of why our transfers keep failing. At the same time it's so frustrating that these ideas weren't brought up before. Maybe it's because this new doctor knows that the traditional stuff doesn't work so she has the benefit of skipping it all and going to worst case scenario. But I can't help feeling angry at our old doc for just phoning it in and not caring enough about our losses to think of ideas of things to try. Whether or not it's true, it felt like he couldn't give less of a shit about whether we succeeded or not. While I had my reasons for not switching earlier, I'm upset that we spent as much time as we did under his care. If we'd succeeded it wouldn't have mattered that he wasn't a good fit for us. But we didn't and he lost a client. 

Emotionally I guess I'm doing ok. I used the snow day to start cleaning for pesach. It's going to take a while before I feel like myself again. For one I need to stop bleeding so that I don't get a reminder of what happened every time I go to the bathroom. At least the crying has stopped. I get misty when I talk about what happened but for the most part I can keep my composure for a full 12+ hours at a time. New personal record since it happened. It's been really rough but we're getting through it one day at a time. Sometimes it's one hour at a time. When it was really bad we were checking in on each other every few minutes. Time still passes. Life goes on around us and when we're up to it we join in. I'm trying not to fall into a depression. I know it's not entirely up to me but I'm holding on to whatever control I have over it.

I know we'll carry this one for a while. Every time we transfer the results are a little better than the last time but then the loss is so much worse than the time before. It's so difficult to pick up and dust off and start again every time. It's difficult but not impossible. I have to stop comparing myself to other people my age and see what they have. I have to stop thinking of the what if's if we had made different choices. I have to stop thinking about the losses that didn't make it and what would have been if they had. The past is the past. I can't change it. I can only make choices and decisions on things that haven't yet happened: that's what I need to focus on. One day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to, as long as we're moving forward and not stuck in the past.

Thank you for the emails, fb msgs, and texts. It means so much to know that we're not alone in our sadness and pain. Whatever messages were sent were greatly appreciated. Every time we shared the story with someone else it felt like another set of shoulders carrying the burden with us. 

FET 6: 7dp6dt (3/2/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

The past two days I've been distracted with Purim so it helped keep my mind off the elephant in the room. This morning I tested again with expired strips. I literally fished them out of the trash to take one but then threw the rest out once I got my answer. It's not going to get any more or less accurate and I need to get rid of them all together. Since then, the trash was taken out and picked up so there's no more temptation.

Wednesday was the fast day. I felt guilty for not fasting but my husband and I agreed that, being one of the minor fasts, it's not worth risking implantation issues by fasting. I broke the fast in the morning by taking my morning pill with usual amount of water. For breakfast I had some dry cereal and another bottle of water. I didn't eat treats or extras - kept hydrated and ate enough to last until the next meal but not until satisfaction. Even though I wasn't doing anything wrong, I still felt that in solidarity with those who are fasting, like my husband, that I shouldn't use this as a way to take advantage of the situation. I had my light breakfast and then went to work. I came home for a quick lunch and went back. I didn't snack or drink at my desk. My coworkers already know I observe the fasts and breaking it in front of them would have been a giveaway something is up. 

That night we walked to Megilla reading where people booed haman enthusiastically. When we got home I made some hamentashen while keeping my husband company in the kitchen as he ate his post-fast meal. The next morning we got up early to get ready for shul and early megilla. We both worked that day so we had to get up and out early. I spent the first half of the day at work; more of a party than actual work. at noon I went home and had a light lunch followed by some local deliveries by walking around the neighborhood. Before we knew it it was time to head to the seuda. I brought veg lo mein, rolls, hamentashen, and paper goods. It was more of a load than wha others brough but I felt kind of responsible to pull it together. It was the first time in ten years we weren't hosting and I missed it, but I wasn't going to risk working hard and jeopardizing the potential pregnancy in the early stages. 

We left a little early (6:30ish) because we had friends stopping by and also some of us needed to do a shot. Turned out our friends had to leave shortly after arrival because their kid wasn't feeling well. Just as well since we were pooped. 

I didn't set an alarm for this morning so I slept late until 7 am. I woke up with a full bladder and intention to carry out the stupid task of taking another hpt. It was an expired strip but the line showed up almost immediately. It was also a lot darker than the line on 4dp. I don't think the strip is lying but I also know not to believe this might be happening for real. No real symptoms other than the full feeling in my uterus. It's become a more mild feeling and very much in the background. No more pulling, no more cramps, not really fluttering - just.... there. 

I started thinking ahead to calculating second beta and then heartbeat and then trimesters... I really had to pull the reins. Woah. Just woah. Calm down. It's really hard to not be excited when you see two lines, but I'm only hurting myself if I get ahead of things and it all comes shattering down. 

So Purim is over and we're starting to get ready for Pesach. I've already told my husband I don't want to host. That includes sleep over guests like his family. It makes everyone sad and I don't know how to solve the problem so that everyone gets a piece of what they want. 

I want: not to work hard, not to host

He wants: to spend time with his family, for his family not to be sad (which they will be if they're not invited).

My compromise:

- option a: buy all prepared foods

- option b: have them in a neighbor's house (not available)

- option c; not have them at all 

- stay in a pesach hotel nearby

His compromise: 

- stay in a regular hotel 1.5 miles from his parents. 

We'll see. 

FET 6: 2dp6dt (2/25/18)

This post was originally written on the date in the subject line. All posts for FET 6 were saved as drafts and posted together as a series on one day. Read more here. 

I started to notice that familiar cramping/butterfly feeling about three hours after the transfer. It comes and goes and when it's not there I miss it. I know it's not progesterone symptoms because I've been on PIOs for over a week and I only started feeling it after transfer.

Friday night we hosted our guests. They left around 10 pm which is a little early but all four of us were yawning and it was just right. It was a lovely evening and it was a great idea to have guests to keep my mind occupied for the evening.

That big lunch I had on Friday came back to haunt me in the middle of the night. I got woken up at 3 am by stomach aches and went to the bathroom but even after two trips it wasn't done. So instead of going back and forth to bed and bothering my husband, I sat on the couch to read and ride it out. At 5 am my husband comes to find me asleep on the couch with a crick in my neck. I went back to bed with no more interruptions.

Shabbat morning we went to shul for Parshat Zachor. It was crowded as expected. When we got home I was sitting on the couch when I turned to look outside the window. When I turned I got a sharp pain in what felt like my left ovary. An involuntary "ouch!" escaped and scared my husband but the pain wasn't that bad, just surprising. I remembered clearly getting something similar last transfer in the afternoon two days after the transfer (not one day). Who knows if it means something or not. There was no more sharpness to the pain but it was a dull ache for the rest of the day. I tried stretching to get it to loosen up but I don't think it's a pulled muscle I can fix. I'm not putting heat on it. It will hopefully loosen on its own. In the meantime I'm scrutinizing every twinge and every symptom.

I took a nap in the afternoon and went out to meet a friend on Sat night. I didn't get to bed until after midnight but I barely slept more than 5 hours.

Eleven days until beta.

Heart doc

Wednesday officially marked 4 weeks since the d&c which puts us right in the start of the "4 to 6 weeks" for the return of my period. While we're waiting we're thinking of next steps.

I went to get checked out by a cardiologist. Mainly for s&gs hoping he'll have nothing to tell me. I was uncomfortable with chest pressure on my left side during the short pregnancy. Both my RE and PCP dismissed it as gas but before we try again I wanted to make sure it's not something more serious. Especially since the symptoms didn't go away entirely even after the pregnancy ended.

He went over my history, did a physical exam, and an EKG. I think it's a good sign that I was able to talk about the miscarriage without falling apart sobbing. I got a little teary but I was able to hold it together - point one for me!  My blood pressure was a little high and my heart rate was a little fast but nothing that made him concerned. He did see a few blips on the EKG but called them normal.

He mentioned there's a chance the symptoms are related to anxiety. He suggested doing a stress test and echocardiogram to rule out anything serious not picked up by the EKG. I told him I usually have a history of high BP readings the first time. I realized I shouldn't have to explain that to every doctor, and if I am then maybe there is something to it. Either way I'm not opposed to these tests so now I'm waiting to hear back from insurance to make sure they're covered.

Still trying to get an appointment with the therapist. We started out with phone tag last week. She left me a voicemail saying she's usually seeing patients all day so better way to reach her is via text or email. I texted on Monday telling her my preferred times. She texted back Wednesday that she will email me office info. I responded to the email this morning and haven't heard back, so I texted this evening and heard back shortly after that she's been seeing patients all day and will get back to me with availability.  At this point I'm considering trying to find someone else who has more time to answer a call and schedule an appointment. Maybe she's so busy because she's really good?  I don't know. Sounds exhausting to start over so I'll see this one through for a first appointment. If my symptoms are anxiety-related then I need to make sure to manage them with a therapist. Hopefully I'll have more answers in the coming weeks.

First of the season

It's been a long week. I wake up in the mornings feeling hung over and groggy and puffy. Morning nausea lasts until lunch time and if I eat a solid lunch then it simmers down to manageable levels. I've been uncomfortably gassy and running to the bathroom constantly with a lot of TMI. There's a special gross-factor about taking pills with water on an empty stomach, while nauseous, and knowing the pills will make them worse. But sometimes happens when I'm running late in the mornings.

All that pales to the anxiety. Today that boiled over. I was running errands, getting stuff ready for Shabbat and for my mom for Mother's day. I thought I should drink more water but figured I'd get to it as soon as I got home. I later had some cramps that were.... different. Then I went to the bathroom and found discharge that was... different. I freaked out. I started contemplating whether this is the beginning of the end. At some point the tears started and I just couldn't stop. I decided to take a shower to try to calm down.  Things took a turn when I decided to brush my teeth to get rid of the gross taste in my mouth. Between the tears, runny nose, and sobs I gagged on the toothpaste and then threw up. Luckily it was mainly water but the whole thing just upset me more. First barf of the season.

My husband heard and came over. He helped me clean up and did what he could to try to settle me down. It wasn't until I thoughtfully and purposefully made up my mind that everything is from Him and that there's nothing I can do either way, that I started to calm down. 

I had more thoughts but it's almost Shabbat. It's just insane to realize that infertility trauma is for life. It never goes away and there's no time you feel you can breathe easy. Every day is a miracle; every day we get closer is just one rung higher to fall if it all goes sideways.  Praying and hoping that doesn't happen. 

Shabbat shalom.

FET 5: 10dp6dt

Well, we've hit double digits for days post transfer. It seems like the days have taken forever while whizzing past at the same time. It's the last night before beta. Suddenly I'm scared for the 2ww to end. If we don't get good news tomorrow then this closes the chapter on FET 5, something we've been gearing up for, talking about, and preparing for for so long.

I've been trying not to cry all day. As distracted as I was at work, I still managed to get a few things done but not much and I don't have high hopes for tomorrow's productivity. I kept going over the possible outcomes in my mind over and over, good and bad. I kept going over things we did and wondering if there's anything we missed or anything we should have done.

Symptoms have changed which concerns me. No nausea anymore, not for a few days now. No sore boobs. Ever-present cramping, similar to period cramping. Bloating. Last night I googled "fet 2ww no symptoms bfp" to try and get some reassurance that symptoms or lack thereof don't mean that it didn't work. It was somewhat reassuring. I'm still worried.

I cried as I prepared the dosage for this evening's shots. I don't want this cycle to end until a healthy baby comes out. That's not up to me, though. Whatever happens is in His plan and I hope to have the strength to get through whatever comes next.

It's our hope that the next step is a good beta tomorrow. Wish us luck.

FET 5: 9dp6dt

My moods go up and down. Yesterday was an up day and I even allowed myself to daydream about calculating a possible due date. Today, not so much. I woke up feeling some period-like cramps which really bummed me out. It could be fine, it could be the end. The unknown is maddening.

I haven't tested yet. At this point I've thoroughly convinced myself that it would do more harm than good. Since I haven't taken any HPTs until now there's nothing to compare to see if the line is getting darker or not, so a negative would be awful but a positive won't quiet my mind either. No matter what I won't get any guarantees.

The what ifs are mentally exhausting and slowly driving me crazy. It may also be the hormones. Something is making me feel insane, though I'm told I'm putting on a good show. I snapped at my husband yesterday. I still think I'm right, but I recognize now I may have overreacted. I asked him to give me some wide space as a compromise. 

I'm tired of this game. I don't like this ride. I want the magical ticket to exit the merry-go-round and move on with my life. Can we just do that? 

Two more sleeps until beta.

FET 5: 7dp6dt

Haven't tested yet. Very mild symptoms today. I woke up feeling completely refreshed and lacked any kind of symptoms. Compared to yesterday's discomfort I found this surprising and mildly concerning.

Then I was just getting settled at my desk this morning when a wave of nausea hit, to the point that I couldn't do anything but let it pass. I had a bite of my lunch sandwich which helped. While I can't say I was thrilled about it, it was a welcome sign. At the very least it meant I remembered to take my gross medicine this morning. At best it could be a sign of better things to come.

Fresh challah

Other than that no news. I haven't felt any cramps or heaviness, though I did spend some time in the kitchen baking challah and working up a sweat kneading the dough. I sat down for a social media break and when I stood up I felt my uterus - nothing major just, "Oh yeah, that" kind of reminder. 

Shabbat shalom!

FET 5: 6dp6dt

Today was the first day back from vacation. It was a challenge to be dressed and awake for 10 consecutive hours! I woke up feeling nauseous and burping which made me nervous to take my gross morning pills. I didn't want to taste that the rest of the day but with breakfast and water it subsided.

I got to work on time and it was nice to be back to routine. I went through nearly all but a handful of the 238 emails that were waiting for me. Throughout the day I was actively working to stay hydrated. I also had another issue that I was gassy. Between managing a filling bladder, being gassy, and the occasional cramps things got interesting. The fuller the bladder the more intense the cramps got. It was a lot to keep track of  down there which made for an uncomfortable afternoon. I ate so healthy today and I'm not sure what caused the gas - fruit for breakfast, big salad from home for lunch, and no crappy snacks at all. I had a yogurt at some point and maybe it was past its best. Maybe it's another glorious side effect of these meds.

At one point during our afternoon staff meeting, someone asked the pregnant coworker if she's planning to get her cute belly cast. It's normal for my team members to make personal comments. As they were discussing belly casting and how fat they each got with their own pregnancies I was thinking to myself how difficult these conversations will be to keep hearing if our FET doesn't work while her pregnancy progresses. I don't wish anything bad happen to her c'vs, I just hope mine succeeds.

I've been trying to stay positive. This morning I called to schedule my beta test. I haven't felt the urge to take a HPT since yesterday morning. It doesn't get easier because I know that by now if anything stuck it would show up on a pee stick. But every day I avoid it gets me closer to beta. In the grand scheme of things I know it's "only" two weeks. It's worth the challenge to help stay positive. I'll take any help I can get.

FET 5: 5dp6dt

It's using up all my willpower to stay away from the pee sticks. The urge to test got really strong yesterday afternoon and I convinced myself not to since it wasn't fmu. I woke up this morning and held my bladder for a full 5 min in bed while I contemplated whether or not to test. Previous logic finally won and I didn't test.

In the past two transfers it wasn't getting a positive beta that was the issue - it's getting the numbers to continue rising and the pregnancy to stick around for a baby to grow. Peeing on a stick now won't tell me the future. If it is negative on the pee stick (falsely or not) then I'll be upset and have a harder time all the way until beta. At least not knowing lets me believe for a little longer and gives me ammo against the negative voice telling me it probably didn't work.

Thankfully Sunday's cramping subsided with rest. I still canceled Monday's lunch plans. I stayed home and relaxed throughout yom tov. Today is my last day of vacation and while I'm happy to go back to routine I still need to remember to keep taking it easy.

Last pregnancy at this time I had what felt like micro-cramping, sort of like butterfly wings. It had started right after the transfer and was constant until the pregnancy ended. This time it's more of a full/heavy feeling which started around day 2. When I move or twist I feel a sharp pull in my side, near the ovaries, depending which side I twisted to. Otherwise it feels like a light weight on my lower abdomen regardless of whether I'm standing or sitting. I noticed that drinking regularly prevents the cramps from getting stronger so I'm keeping a water bottle nearby at all times and take a sip whenever I notice it.

Also new this time is the nausea, likely due to the meds. It starts out as hunger and within seconds turns to nausea. I've tried to get ahead of it by not getting hungry but it happens no matter what. It usually hits around 10 or 11 am. I read online that prednisone can cause nausea and insomnia in some people. So you can take it in the morning and be able to sleep or take it at night and sleep through the nausea but wake up at like 3 am wide awake. I don't think there's a winning combo but we do what we have to just giving this embryo the best chance possible as best we know how. It's gross to force down water while nauseous so I take small sips and hope it adds up. 

My pineapple got almost all eaten. By this morning what was left of it was looking a little sad so I skipped it and had scrambled eggs instead. Beta in 6 days!

Careful what you wish for

It's 30 min before chag starts and I'm frantically googling cramping symptoms. Late this afternoon I started getting severe cramping on my right side, like a pulling feeling. I promptly parked my butt and sat with my feet up sipping water while searching on my phone. The sharpness went away with rest but I still feel it, like a dull ache in the background (mainly because I'm scrutinizing it carefully).

My 15-month old nephew was here earlier and, at a hefty 25 lbs, I decided not to pick him up even though he kept putting his hands up and hugging my knee. I just don't want to risk it. When I was in a sitting position I pulled him onto my lap not thinking twice and now I'm worried I did something.

Google consensus is that it's probably implantation cramping or PIO cramps. I'm still nervous. I know if I call the clinic they'll tell me to take Tylenol and stay hydrated so that's what I'm doing.

It caught me off guard. I was alarmed enough to tentatively cancel lunch plans tomorrow. I'm not risking walking a mile there and back if I'm still cramping tomorrow.

Hope it's good cramping. Chag sameach.

FET 5: 1dp6dt

Day 1 post transfer. Trying to enjoy pupo status.

I've been having intense symptoms for a few weeks because of the new meds, like nausea and cramping. I was told that my meds could hide pregnancy symptoms, if any, and so far that's proving true. I know it's too early for actual symptoms yet I was extremely nauseous this morning. I left shul early. Other than nausea I'm having mood swings. One minute I can be fine, the next I'm close to tears.

When I didn't feel cramping today I started to cry. My last transfer I felt light cramping nearly immediately and when I didn't feel it now I thought it meant the transfer didn't work. My husband made me feel better by reminding me that it's still early and the embryo may be taking its time implanting, beside the reminder about the meds hiding symptoms.

I decided to try not taking HPTs again, like last cycle. There's nothing a pee test will guarantee and knowing early doesn't prevent miscarriage. If I don't test then I get to hold on to the hope until beta when I'll know for sure one way or the other. I'm trying to stay positive and take it day by day. If I test and it comes back negative I'll be devastated and it might even be a false negative anyway, so why do that to myself.

This is honestly the hard part of any cycle. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental game that's hardest for me. The 2ww; the not knowing; the what ifs; the fear of another failure. I read back some of my posts from FET 4 to compare daily symptoms. I made the mistake of reading past the betas into the heartbreaking days of when my pregnancy suddenly ended. It hurts my heart.

We are hoping and praying this transfer goes down a better path.

FET 5: Lining check

My appointment went super smoothly. I was well-hydrated and had my fav tech drawing blood so it was quick and painless. I was called back for the ultrasound shortly after and was back in my car less than 20 min after parking.

Lining is at 10.37 mm :) On the way there I remembered how it was just at the minimum of 8 last time and started worrying. I decided not to freak out until there was something to worry about and focused on traffic instead.

At around 2:00 PM I got the bloodwork results back that all is good to continue. I'm starting to get excited! Because of how we scheduled the transfer around holidays I have a night off and we start PIO shots in the butt tomorrow. Lovenox shots in the belly start on Monday.

So far I'm noticing two side effects from the Prednisone: energy/insomnia and nausea. I'm going to sleep exhausted and waking up at 5:00 AM completely awake and going nonstop all day. I've never lacked energy but this is more than I'm used to. No complaints. The other side effect is nausea. I've noticed that if I let myself get hungry then it can quickly become nausea. It passes quickly, even quicker if I have a snack handy. I notice it more toward the morning, which is usually when I take the meds. I'm on a very low dosage so I don't even know if these are actual side effects or just things I expect to happen and I'm noticing them. Next week I'll add another med to the cocktail and we'll see how that shakes things up.

I'm officially on spring break - hooray! So happy to have a few days off. I'm even excited for Pesach. I did all the shopping and errands. The only thing left is to flip the kitchen on Saturday night and spend Sunday and Monday cooking and filling up the freezer. My in-laws are scheduled to be here from Monday - Thursday.

I'm getting excited for the transfer. I oscillate between not wanting to get too attached and being sooo happy it's almost here. My husband is aiming for "cautiously optimistic" but I think the train has already left the station for me - I can't wait to see our embryo again!! I can't help but feel like this is it, regardless of all our past failures, regardless of the stats, regardless of what the little negative voice in the back of my mind says. I'm really hoping this is it for us. I hope these new meds are what make the difference between failure and success. I know we did everything possible on our part.

I haven't decided if I'll do the pee sticks this time. I've had false positives in the past and they just made the bad news harder to hear. On the other hand my clinic waits 13 days before doing the first beta and that's a really long time to wait! I already have the pee sticks so it's really just what I end up deciding. Hope is everything in these cycles so why shatter it unnecessarily with a possible false negative and freak myself out? If I don't test I get to hold on to the PUPO title just a bit longer.

See you soon, tiny embryo. I love you already.

Looking ahead

I was planning to take it easy and be lazy most of the day on Sunday, but after getting the news about our embryos, I needed to move and be productive while I processed. I tackled several projects that I've been avoiding. I started with cleaning the bedrooms and kitchen, doing laundry, and washing floors. Then we moved a bookcase to storage out of the way and cleared off the office desk which hasn't seen a clear surface in an-embarrassingly-long-number-of months.

I also got around to installing a new doorbell. I'm really proud of it!  It required watching a tutorial to figure out how to connect the wiring. The instructions were simple once I got started, but it was out of my comfort zone to drill into the doorframe and figure out wiring to hook up the electricity to install it.  

I rewarded myself with vegging out the rest of the day. We watched a Wanda Sykes special (she's hilarious) and then a documentary about the Nixon presidency. Scary to see so many similarities in the current administration.

Physically I feel great. The bloating is gone and I'm not in any pain. I stopped eating junk and am starting to feel like myself again. I was able to catch up on sleep during the weekend. I'm also more pumped to get this to work. When I was upset at yesterday's news it was also in part "how many times can we go through this" and today it's more of an attitude of "we're doing this as many times as it takes."

I hope it doesn't take too many more and that the next transfer is a sticker. Either it's the weather or the fact that it's Rosh Chodesh Adar, or maybe because my birthday is around the corner, but I'm in a great mood and looking forward to the next step!

IVF 5: Embryo update

Of the 15 eggs retrieved yesterday, 11 were mature, and 7 fertilized.

This ties for lowest amount to fertilize in cycle 2. In that cycle we started out with 7 fertilized eggs after retrieving 12, and only 1 survived to biopsy (which turned out to be non-transferrable after PGD testing). Like I said in an earlier post, I know this is a cycle in a bubble and previous results have no impact at all on what happens now. We're working on staying positive - it is what it is.

Recovery is going well. I'm allowed pain killers every 4-6 hours and was careful about taking them every 5 hours to control the pain throughout the day yesterday. I drank a LOT to the point that I barely ate because there was no room. I was reminded how much it hurts to pee after a retrieval but thankfully that's getting better too the more I drink. I was up at 2:00 AM to pee and stayed up for about 3.5 hours just unable to fall back asleep. I took my pain killer and wasted time online. I stayed away from fertility stuff - I focused on window shopping and browsing Amazon.

I fell asleep again around 6 and slept until 8. I could take my next dose at 8:30 but figured I'll hold off until I need it. So now I have Tylenol and the prescription pain meds on standby for later as needed. So far so good. I remember from previous cycles that I tend to feel better in the morning, over do it, and then crash in the afternoon so I'm trying to rest. I couldn't resist doing the dishes and a load of laundry but other than that I'm hanging out in bed with my heat pad and endless fluids: water, seltzer, ginger ale, gatorade, and the splurge on a cup of coffee this morning.


I called IviGen to update my payment info so that when they get a shipment to biopsy later this week they will be able to process it without delay. I have to also contact my nurse to schedule the FET from the last embryo from our previous cycle and get the financial counselor to start the process with insurance.

I need to remember not to take any of the embryos for granted. As much as I'm being pulled to a disappointed mindset, I have to remember to take it one day at a time and continue to hope for the best. Right now we have 7 embryos growing. To hope they all make it to biopsy day may be unrealistic and we understand that. Even so, we are hoping for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.

On Track

The suppression pills this cycle are giving me a run for my money. I've rarely had issues with the BC pills, often just a bit of symptoms the days transitioning to the hormones: nausea, headache, a little fatigue. This time it's been nonstop symptoms. I'm constantly exhausted. I've been having upset stomach every time I eat anything. It's not just a particular food or specific amount. I have a low grade nausea under the surface all the time. When I eat anything, regardless of whether it's bland or spicy or sweet or savory, I feel my stomach get unsettled and bloated.

I've also been having very mild cramping and spotting for almost two weeks. The cramping doesn't bother me but the spotting is creating a logistical halacha nightmare. As mild as it is it got to the point that I started to worry something was going on and I contacted my nurse. She said that it's normal and nothing worrisome. I was worried it would delay the cycle but apparently it's common.

My medication order came in. Finally. It was an ordeal to get it. They forgot to send the receipt so I checked that the order was paid for on my credit card and called them. I was told their concierge will contact me by Monday. 

In any case, we're on track to start as long as baseline goes ok. 

One step at a time

Part of me wants the extended weekend to last as long as possible. The weeks ahead are going to be busy at work and it's going to be non-stop until mid-December, so the break has been nice. Another part of me is anxious to get to the clinic for Monday's bloodwork and hear the next update.

Since the Wegmans incident there have been less and less symptoms. Cramping is nearly gone. My husband and I kind of stopped talking about it all together. The Wegmans incident really scared us. Every so often I'll get a twinge or feel something in my lower belly and remember, but for the most part we're trying to keep it in the back of our minds until we know more.

I haven't worked out since last Tuesday. We've taken walks around the neighborhood but nothing to work up a sweat. I've kept my feet up and drank a lot of water and tea. Spotting stopped but I dread going to the bathroom, worrying I might see something new. The bloating has gotten better, no headaches, no fatigue. My appetite is gone which is unusual for me but I'm probably just full from all the liquid trying to stay hydrated. The only symptom to report is a phantom tight-undies feeling. It feels like my pants or my skirt is just a hair too snug, but I know it's not the clothing because the feeling happens in the shower sometimes too.

Thinking about the what-ifs is exhausting. I find it emotionally draining to think about all the things that could go wrong, but I want to enjoy what could possibly be the beginning of our child's journey into the world. I'm trying my best to put the worrying on the back burner and try to take things as they come.

Happy Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I love that it's a no-stress holiday. I love that it combines things I love: family and food. I love that the one legal holiday turns into a nearly 5-day weekend!

Spotting slowed significantly overnight and changed to brown, so I take that as a good sign that its stopped and this is just whatever's left over. I've googled as much as I can and everyone on the internet says cramping is normal. They also say that bleeding isn't automatically a miscarriage, but to monitor closely. So my doc knows about it and I've done everything I could. Possible harmless causes are either implantation or the meds, none of the other explanations the internet offered were relevant. At this point whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

I tried to think back about my day yesterday wondering about what could have contributed. I realized that with all that was going on -- getting bloodwork, running errands, cramming everything I could into the half-day before we were dismissed for the holiday weekend -- I'd been basically fasting the majority of the day. I drank a bottle of water on my way to the clinic for bloodwork, but other than that I wasn't hungry and didn't think of eating until after 3:00 pm. The Wegman's incident (as we are now referring to it) happened about 12:40 pm and after that I really had no appetite. Is that the cause? I worked out on Tuesday, for the first time since transfer, and felt extra cramping but nothing too intense. Was that it? We'll never know. But I'm going to be more mindful about making sure to stay hydrated and take it easy.

I did my best to relax yesterday evening and fell asleep around 9. I was up early this morning but it was still dark and decided not to start my day just yet. I feel like the only thing I can do to help things is to just take it easy and keep my feet up, so I'm enjoying my pajama day on the couch and in bed, getting up occasionally to baste the turkey or get a snack. Thanksgiving and the long weekend couldn't have come at a better time.

The cramping has subsided a lot and I barely feel it when I'm sitting or lying down, unlike yesterday when it was active all day. I didn't think anything of it because I'd been having cramping since transfer day. I plan to park it until bloodwork on Monday and hope for the best.

While it may sound cliche, I feel truly blessed this Thanksgiving. Wishing you and yours a very happy turkey day!

FET 4, Beta 2: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good news is that my numbers doubled: they're up from 448 to 954.

The bad news is that I've been having intense cramping and around lunch started spotting heavily. I called my nurse in a panic and I was told that spotting is normal. She said there are a few reasons for bleeding at this stage, such as the meds causing it. She said that while it seems alarming I should try to relax and just keep taking the meds. It was reassuring enough to keep me from crying but not enough to make me stop worrying. Next appointment is Monday for third beta so if I'm in pain or have heavier bleeding I need to call the after hours line.

The ugly is that I had just gotten to Wegman's for some pre-holiday shopping when I decided I should use the restroom quickly first. It was there that I discovered the bleeding so in my freakout I just ran to my car to call the clinic. I didn't get any of the groceries I meant to buy and didn't realize until later in the day.

We're cautiously optimistic. The numbers doubled, as they should. But as soon as I saw the red my happy bubble burst and I realized that this could all end at the blink of an eye. I'm happy the numbers doubled and that there's still a chance that this will be ok, but I'm so worried. I'm trying not to assume the worst just yet.