2018 Year In Review and blogaversary

It's been the most difficult and most eventful year yet. We started out with a big trip followed by a hysteroscopy in prep for our sixth FET which ended in disaster and led to the official switch to a new RE.

Our visit to the new RE set a whole bunch of things in motion:
- I saw an endocrinologist to take care of my thyroid
- We saw a male infertility urologist who recommended varicocele repair surgery
- We visited a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist and got through his recommended punch list
- I was put on vitamins and fish oil for three months in prep for IVF 8
- A second hysteroscopy was done in addition to a special stain test that found micro inflammation resulting in multiple rounds of antibiotics to treat it
- For the third time, I did the ERA test, this time in a natural cycle

And now here we are getting ready for our next transfer. We were told that we have officially reached our lifetime maximum of fertility benefits so everything from here on will be out of pocket. Not fun to hear.

This also brings my blog to three full years. I started writing over winter break 2015-16 and went live the first week of January. At the time it obviously didn't occur to me that I'd still be writing about failures and treatment three years later. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and unload when things feel overwhelming. I've tried therapy when I needed something during my lowest points. Even though it was with a person who specialized in infertility and had gone through it herself, it didn't feel helpful. Maybe because it wasn't the right person or maybe it was when things were "unexplained" and transfers keep failing it felt impractical to discuss something that had no known answers. It was also weird to get to a specific realization and wanting to explore it but then be told that time is up and losing momentum.

With blogging, I can take as much time as I want to formulate thoughts, chew through different ideas, rehash experiences as many times as I need, and then have something to go back to later on with fresh eyes and build on it. Writing is like talking to a friend with infinite patience - a finite resource in people. The main drawback is that writing doesn't sympathize or encourage so that where friends come in to complete the support system. Sometimes I wish I knew more people blogging or more people going through this. All the people I followed or talked to when I first started have either had success or stopped writing entirely.

We took chances in 2018. Took a leap of faith in switching to a new doctor; took up a new hobby in pottery; took charge of my overall health in getting my thyroid and blood pressure under control; made working out a priority. We took the trip we kept talking about and got the much-needed vacation even though it was a big expense.

I'm not a fan of New Years resolutions but I do believe that writing down goals helps achieve them. In 2019 I want to somehow find funds to renovate our bathroom and redo our first level floors. I'd like to explore more about my career and it's vague because I'm not yet sure what that means. We need to get mentally and financially prepared for the next FET. I want to continue making working out a priority of at least 30 min three times a week and add to that eating better. If weight loss comes along with that, all the better. I'd like to get better at working with clay and I want embrace the attitude of gratitude.

Happy New Year.

Blog jumble

I originally started this blog on blogger because that's the first option I saw and didn't really have a preference. Then I started reading other blogs and noticed that a lot of them are hosted on wordpress so out of curiosity I checked it out to see what the buzz was about.

I made the mistake of using the same login info for wordpress that I use for blogger. I poked around wordpress for a bit, saw what they have to offer, and decided it's not for me. I like the format for blogger and for now I wanted to stick with it.

However, when I went back to other blogs to post a comment, it was requiring me to log in using my wordpress login because it recognized the email address. So I went back and deleted the dummy blog on wordpress and changed the login email to some spam email I have. But it still says my email address is associated with a wordpress account and won't let me log in. Poo.

In other news, no news.

9dp6dt

Today's symptoms include lots of cramping and lower back discomfort. I have a weird taste in my mouth but it's slight and if not for the cramping I wouldn't notice anything different. The cramping is almost like a bad period but without any discharge. Beta is on Monday and I'm ready to find out what's going on. We decided to share news with parents once we hear back beta results, one way or another. Other than anxiety of will it/won't it I've been pretty calm and even keel. Very unlike the other two transfers where I was an emotional mess.

I took the day off work today to deal with the repairs. Oven guy came in the morning and oven is now working. Dishwasher guy came and said a part needs to be ordered. Now I'm just waiting for the AC guy to come which is supposed to be between 12 and 6 pm today. I hate feeling trapped at home and unable to run any errands, but if it gets the AC working again it's worth it. There's a bright side to it which is that I cleared out two closets and sorted a bunch of socks, throwing out any that didn't have a match.

I also took some time to spruce up the blog with a new template and an updated About page. Throughout the 2ww I've found that it was helpful to read other people's blogs and hear their symptoms, their progression, and their journey. I google a phrase or the day I'm up to and get a plethora of search results from blogs and message boards. Some blogs are years old and the posts are from 2015, 2013, and even earlier. Not only do I see the complete story of each cycle they post about, but in a lot of cases their journey has also progressed to the point where they were successful in having a baby and are no longer posting actively.

It reminded me that as much as I'm writing this blog for myself to be helpful now and as a comparison for future treatment, it may also be helpful for someone else down the line who discovers this during one of her searches. When I first started reading the blog community, I actively searched for other Jewish couples going through something similar and was surprised that there were so few. Either I couldn't find them because I wasn't searching the right terms or they don't blog as often. Regardless, it was the reason I named my blog what it is: Jewish IVF. Those were the terms I was searching for and didn't find any blogs remotely related so I started one. It's been incredibly helpful to me. If it helps anyone else in the future, all the better.

Four more days to beta.

Spring break

My job schedules spring break right around pesach so I have off for the whole holiday, including Chol Hamoed (another awesome perk). Since my husband doesn't have off at the same time, and much more limited days off than I do, we save traveling for summertime and I'm having a stay-cation.

I made a list of adult things to do, like calling Verizon (ugh) and measuring some pictures so I can order frames. Another item I checked off my list was going to the dermatologist for an all-over checkup. In the past I'd go to get something specific checked out but never as a preventive visit. My dermy is very popular so a few months ago I figured I'd schedule it for this week when I'm off anyway. The appointment was weird - they literally check everywhere there is skin from head to toe. I've gotten a little desensitized regarding being shy about medical people up in my business so it wasn't so bad.

Everything checked out, except she was unsure about one mole. It was actually one that I had checked a few years ago and as far as I know it hasn't changed, but she recommended taking a biopsy "just in case." So I agreed and they snipped off a tiny chunk to send to the lab. I'll hear back in about 10 days. Best case scenario it's nothing and I don't have to think about it anymore. Worst case is that it's a problem -- cancer? -- and I have to go to a specialist to get it removed. Removal, stitches, and a few weeks of taking care of it so it doesn't scar. Either way, it's another wait. Now it's a race to see which results we get first: the mole or the embryos!

I've been reading a lot of blogs during my free time. On my search for new blogs to read, I've seen a lot of blogs that either haven't been updated in a while or have turned into pregnancy blogs. It's nice to see that people progress and that this isn't a stage forever.