Appointments, errands, progress

For the first time since May 19, the date of the ultrasound which changed everything, I started really feeling like myself.  I still carry the baggage around but at least I'm starting to see beyond the fog. What attributed to this change? I can't pinpoint an exact moment it happened, but I think it has a lot to do with things going on this week. 

Sunday we did something out of the ordinary for us and went kayaking. It was way out of my comfort zone to plan a bbq and go with a big group and figure out all the details of who's bringing what. I ended having a slight meltdown yelling to my husband about someone on the way, but after that it was such a non-issue and ended up being a lovely day. 

 

I bookended appointments both Tuesday and Wednesday before and after work that it basically became the week of -ists: dermatologist, dentist, therapist, cardiologist.  My friend suggested that maybe I missed having daily doctor's appointments. It does seem like it, right? It's not intentional, honest.

I started Tues morning with an appointment at the dermatologist. They removed a cyst/mole of sorts that I've had for years. It was entirely cosmetic but I haven't wanted to deal with it in the past because stitches would interfere with mikvah, plus the location on my thigh would make it annoying for fertility treatment with docs poking around. I figured now is a good a time as any since those are both currently irrelevant. It was a quick and easy appointment and I got to work early. After work I went to see the infertility therapist. I could write a whole post about that appointment, but I'll summarize it instead. Pros: it was good to talk to someone who knows all the people and terminology. Even though she's not directly related with the clinic, she knows all the doctors and nurses. She's sympathetic and easy to talk to. The office is well organized and convenient. Cons: I didn't really see the point. She's not going to fix anything or change the past. In her assessment she says that I need to give it time. I left feeling ok and scheduled for another appt in a month. I don't immediately see the benefit but I'll see her again on the chance that there may be one. Biggest con is that she doesn't accept insurance.

 

Wednesday was also busy. I started the day getting my permanent crown put in post root canal. Another thing happily crossed off my list. Then I went to a brit/baby naming. This was a friend who got married for the second time and just had her first baby. We were asked to kvatter but turned it down. I stopped accepting for non-family. It's nice to be asked but bittersweet. Anyway, one of the baby's grandparents is a big deal in the community so the place was packed. There were easily 300 people there - it was a big party. Everything was decorated in "baby boy" colors and decor. It was beautiful and I felt overwhelmed but not so much that I had to run out. Or cry. It was encouraging rather than not. I'm not sure I can explain it. After that I went to work and called the dentist because the crown put in earlier needed adjusting. I ran back to the dentist at lunchtime to get it fixed, then grabbed a bagel and headed back to work for a few hours before going to the cardiologist for the stress tests.

 

My office is closed next week and I'm planning out the week so I don't have too much down time to mope. I also have several vacation days I'll lose in Sept if I don't take them so I would really love to take a vacation. My husband has the opposite problem - he's barely got enough vacation days to scrape together a weekend getaway. It's so discouraging to try to plan a trip and keep hitting a brick wall (for time off, expenses, zika-free location) but I've been freshly motivated to try to make it a reality. We're still trying to save a lot of my husband's vacation days for a big trip but right now I'm focusing on getting a breather and a change of scenery, even if it's just a couple of days.

 

Today marks 5 weeks since the d&c. Still waiting for AF to show up. I'm still not sure what to do with the next cycle: IVF 6 or FET 6. Both are good options. Both are intense in different ways. Both have pros and cons. I can also skip a cycle to extend the break and just take more time to think about it, though the idea of delaying indefinitely doesn't sit well either. 

Dentist and toots

I went to the dentist this morning for a cleaning and checkup. In general I usually have no issues with my teeth. There's one exception, a back molar, that needed a crown last summer. It's not even a year later and I'm having issues with the tooth again. In part, the crown is not getting enough contact on either side so they are replacing it at no charge. But it's also started being sensitive to heat in recent weeks and he's concerned the nerve may be dying. Being proactive, the dentist suggested getting the root canal now as part of the process of replacing the crown instead of waiting until it hurts and then having to replace the crown a third time.

I told the dentist that there's a chance I may be pregnant (that's as comfortable as I could get to mentioning it) and asked whether that may effect treatment. He said in that case wait until second trimester to schedule the root canal. He was talking loudly about trimesters and pregnancy, which made me think, "Ugh, keep it down."  Dentist left and the hygienist was so great about it - she kept saying, "When you have the information... So when you confirm..." She got me. She totally got me on this.

As I was walking toward the front desk, I saw my supervisor with her son sitting in the waiting room, smiling and waving as they saw me approach. Omg did she hear? Does she know? Immediately I worry about what was or wasn't overheard. It's not like she won't know eventually but it's too early. Too soon. Not ready. Anything can happen. She's a great supervisor and of all people to overhear, if she did, I'm glad it was her, but still.

In other news I emailed my doctor about some specific discomfort. I know it's normal to be gassy and that's just something I embrace as part of the package of this magical time. My concern is that when I get gassy I feel pressure on the left side of my chest. I'm not interested in dropping dead of a heart attack so I got nervous and emailed my RE asking if the meds I'm on are a possible culprit of this symptom.  His response was, "The symptoms you describe are not related to any of the medications you are taking. You could contact your primary care physician but doubt there is a problem."

While that's reassuring, I still put in a call to my PCP and am waiting to hear back from her. I just had blood pressure and cholesterol checked in March so that's also reassuring. It's still disconcerting to feel pain around the heart area. For all I know it's perfectly normal and not at all an issue and if that's the case it's not at all bothering me. I wouldn't even call it pain, it's more pressure and doesn't come with any of the other classic symptoms (shortness of breath, tingly arm, neck pain, sweating, etc.) that are known as classic heart problems. I'd still rather check it out just in case. I'm fine with being slightly embarrassed to be an alarmist or tell the doctors I'm gassy on the off-chance this is an actual issue.

No news

The crown won. My permanent crown was put in this morning while we're still waiting for results of the ERA.

I don't understand what takes so long. My assigned nurse is on vacation this week but I called anyway to find out if results have come back yet. The nurse filling in left me a voicemail and said she talked to the doctor and no results have come back yet. She also said that she'll call the lab tomorrow to follow up.

I'm trying not to think too far ahead. The problem with fertility treatment is that the highs are so high which makes the lows so low. It's scary to hope.  Even at the lowest low, it's hard not to think about the future and continue to keep the hope alive. It's almost an addiction. After every negative failed beta, one of the first thoughts is, "So when can we try again?" and mentally calculate the options. It's a survival tactic. It's a way to deal with the devastating losses.

But how many times will we have to do this? How many more lows? How many more 2WWs will we have to survive through? Will we ever make it to the other side?

There was an accident and a set of glass shot glasses we got as a gift from my husband's grandmother had a tragic meeting with the floor. My husband's reaction? "It's just stuff..." as he sadly swept it up. "The thing about going through treatment is that it gives you perspective. You start to value the things that really matter." He is wise.

We had three healthy embryos the last cycle. We've already transferred one and it's gone forever as a failed chemical pregnancy. I know what I hope for next. Hoping is dangerous and scary but hope is also the fuel feeding the fire. As long as there's a chance, there's hope. 

Challenged

I'm feeling challenged today. I had to go in to work because I have deadlines coming up but I think I could have benefited from another day off.

Physically I'm feeling fine, just a little sore. My jaw is sore from keeping it open for an hour and the numbing shot. I'm having some minor cramping but I think those are pre-period from stopping the meds rather than the ERA.

It's more of a mentally challenging feeling. I just wanted to zone out and quietly get my work done but people kept annoying me with needs and questions and thoughts to share. Someone came over to ask whether she should get a new stroller she found a deal for on a sketchy website. Not only was it not even work related, but I'm also really not in the mood to discuss strollers right now.

I'm stalled on a project because a coworker is delayed on their part of the project and I can't start mine until I have theirs. I also got an email asking me where critical documents due today were and I responded that I sent them on Friday but the coworker that was supposed to pass them on after review dropped the ball. None of these are actual issues on their own, but when I'm already agitated and annoyed, each one has been an explosive situation in my mind. So much so that I started looking at job listings late this afternoon.

It didn't end there. When I got home I checked the mail and got a letter saying we owe $3,600 for a medication billing error. I don't know what happened, and I plan to look into it and raise some hell, but it was too much to deal with and just tipped me over the edge into a sobbing mess.

It's a bad day and I'm on edge waiting for results. I know that logically. It's just all very overwhelming and challenging right now.

Big Day: Part II

Crown appointment done! It actually wasn't so bad. The whole thing took 55 minutes from start to finish, including getting numb and digital impressions and temp crown. It wasn't painful, only a little uncomfortable. In short, it was better than expected. I was told the permanent crown will be in in 10 days, so it's now a race between the crown and the biopsy results.

Speaking of the biopsy, I have an update. Turns out the financial advisor was wrong AGAIN only this time it was in our favor! Turns out the clinic part of the fee is covered by our insurance and I should never have been charged last week because that fee goes to the lab doing the biopsy. So it is actually the original fee quoted of $875 and all the drama was completely unnecessary.  Whatever. Yay!

My lip is still numb and I hate it but I know it will hurt as soon as it wakes up.  I'm exhausted. I feel like I took a beating today. It was a long day and I'm ready for a nap.

ERA and crown

Tomorrow is a big day. The last PIO shot is tonight and tomorrow morning is the biopsy. We should get results back within 10 days. I also have a big dental appointment tomorrow.

We've already discussed the ERA so I'll tell you about my tooth.  In the past few weeks I've had a tooth bothering me. When I was young I had lots of problems with my teeth because I didn't brush. Once I got braces they taught me how to floss and told me that if I don't brush the braces will ruin my teeth (or some such) and ever since then I didn't have any new problems.  So I haven't had a cavity or dental issue in nearly 10 years... until last summer. I go for my cleaning every six months and the dentist is like, ok see you in another 6!

Maybe it's related to the hormones, or maybe not, but the issues started last summer, right around when we started treatment. I've also noticed that ever since we started treatment my nails have been less strong than usual and I have to take special care not to crack or chip them. So could it be a coincidence? Maybe.

In September I went to the dentist with discomfort in my upper jaw. He said there is a start of a cavity in my wisdom tooth. All four of my wisdom teeth erupted at around age 15ish and were perfectly aligned. I had no issues with them until that point. Because of the location of the decay, he said that it's not possible to fix it and recommended getting the tooth pulled. Since I was getting the top pulled I had to get the bottom one pulled as well. And if I'm already getting those two out, he basically recommended getting all four wisdom teeth pulled at once. What?? Get 4 teeth pulled for a tiny not-yet-cavity? Are you serious?? So I went for a second opinion and also asked one of my good friends who happens to be a dentist specializing in TMJ issues for their opinions.

Consensus was that the best thing to do was to get rid of all four at once before they become a problem later on because, and I quote, "They will eventually become an issue." The one that had the start of a cavity couldn't be fixed and it would just continue to decay until it hurt. Not one to procrastinate, I got on it and made an appointment.

In October, at age 31, I got all 4 wisdom teeth pulled out. Because they were all erupted it was actually a simple procedure and took all of 5 minutes once the local anesthesia kicked in. I didn't get the laughing gas or whatever it is that makes you loopy. I had the procedure done on Thursday morning and by Monday I was back at work. Minimal swelling, some discomfort over the weekend, but nothing too traumatic.

Fast forward to June and I start getting some pain in my lower right jaw. It's not a shooting pain but I noticed I was favoring my left side to chew and got headaches more often. I knew it wasn't going to go away on its own but it came and went so I kind of forgot about it when it wasn't actively bothering me. More recently it started coming up more often, especially when I had hot or cold food. As inconvenient as it is to get it checked, there's no reason to push it off: if there was an issue it should be dealt with sooner rather than later.

On Thursday I went to the dentist to check it out. Prognosis is that, due to grinding, a tooth with an old filling in it cracked. The crack can be fixed by putting a crown on the tooth. Crown runs about $1,375. In addition, the dentist suggested a nightguard to prevent grinding and future damage, an additional $450. Insurance will cover about 2/3 of the cost.

It's a sucky thing to deal with right now, but avoiding it won't help anything. If I don't take care of it now, the tooth will continue cracking and eventually also need a root canal in addition to the crown, or worse, needing an extraction. At least now the tooth itself is healthy and doesn't need a root canal.

I took the day off tomorrow for the biopsy because I have extra vacation days that are use-or-lose expiring at the end of the month. I was planning to go to the biopsy in the morning and then veg out the rest of the day. If I'm off anyway, and will be uncomfortable anyway, I may as well deal with this crown and get it over with, so that's happening in the afternoon. The permanent crown takes about 10 business days to come in so I may have to deal with a temp crown and mikvah but I'm not thinking about that unless it becomes relevant.

I hate it when my mouth and lip are numb so I'm expecting to be miserable and complain-y most of the afternoon. My husband has already been warned.

As for the ERA, I was told it shouldn't be too painful but who knows. I took the day off because I didn't know what to expect. I'm working on keeping my mind off the what-ifs of the results. I know that logically we decided to do this for multiple reasons so I just have to keep reminding myself those reasons. If anyone ever asks me in the future about ERA, I'll refer them to these posts and tell them they better be sure because the mental aspect is a big challenge. It's helpful to have a list of reasons to refer back to when the second thoughts start creeping up.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I'm hoping everything goes well tomorrow with no complications. Right now I'm watching Survivor on the laptop with the Olympics on the TV in the background while I write up this post. I love the Olympics and see no reason to have to choose between the two.