When others announce

Last night I worked late and then had a stomach ache so I didn't fall asleep until after 2. Is it possible I'm still feeling side effects from the antibiotics? I stopped taking probiotics when I finished the dose but maybe I should continue for another few days until I'm sure things are back on track. Here are the thoughts I scribbled into my notes app while trying to empty my mind so I could fall asleep.

Amy Schumer announced her pregnancy via Instagram last night. Meghan Markle's announcement just last week didn't phase me at all yet this one gives me all the jealousy feels. They're both the same age. I discovered them both as famous actresses, albeit now one is a royal. I don't understand what's the difference but I really feel that ache.

Just the other day I was discussing with someone how scary pregnancy is. I have all this time to think and worry about complications. The more I think about it the more the thoughts creeps in about how what a huge undertaking it is to overturn your entire life and bring in a child to the world. Your life as you know it is over. The child is absolute top priority and everything else takes the back burner. Not to mention all the medical issues that come up during or post pregnancy and delivery. Who would choose that? People who get pregnant easily and keep their pregnancy likely have freakouts but eventually time marches on and they have no choice but to go through the challenges as they come. For me the freakouts compound with every loss. The little nagging voice asks, "Are you really sure this is worth it?"

It seems as though the time comes for everyone else. My friend is planning to see a specialist in Nov and I already assume she will get pregnant before me. When I meet someone single I just assume they're likely going to find their soulmate, date, marry, and get pregnant before me. It's almost like a defense mechanism; if I expect the pregnancy then I can't get caught off guard by it and feel that familiar gut punch.

With Markle I knew for sure she wasn't going to wait. Having a royal baby is literally her job. There's more pressure on her than anyone. But Schumer? I didn't even know she wanted kids. Not that it matters. But I didn't expect the announcement and I think that's the difference.

It serves as an important lesson to me. It's important to let the ttc people know privately when you're expecting. Give them time to process. Do not put them on a group text. Do talk to them before announcing publicly. Do share your news privately, preferably in writing not in person, so they have the space to react however feels right to them. Ironically I don't have that many to be super sensitive to everyone else has already moved on.

I've been feeling really optimistic and cheerful the past few weeks. Accepting the delay was the best thing that happened to my mental state of mind. I've been focusing on making things better: advocating for myself at work (new title in the works?), organizing the house (tidying up more often in small spurts rather than big cleaning sessions has made things so pleasant), indulging in comfort food (maybe a bit too much) and focusing on positive things. The crisp beautiful fall weather has also really been helpful. But then something triggers the feelings, like an unexpected celebrity announcement, and I'm pulled right back into it.

Maybe it's baby fever? Maybe it's being tired of failing? Maybe it's wanting to move on from this phase? Maybe it's just as simple as being envious of someone else having what I want.

ETA:
Literally minutes after this post was published, a coworker acquaintance announced her pregnancy. It's someone that works across the building in a different department that rarely overlaps with mine, but she's friend with one of our team members, so we see her every so often. Everyone else on my team knew, I was the last to find out. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She's single and religious. But also nearly 40, so she decided to get a sperm donor and it worked the first time. Of course it did. I had to go home for lunch. I occasionally wear makeup and today happened to be a mascara day, but that was because I didn't expect to cry. 

FET 5: 1dp6dt

Day 1 post transfer. Trying to enjoy pupo status.

I've been having intense symptoms for a few weeks because of the new meds, like nausea and cramping. I was told that my meds could hide pregnancy symptoms, if any, and so far that's proving true. I know it's too early for actual symptoms yet I was extremely nauseous this morning. I left shul early. Other than nausea I'm having mood swings. One minute I can be fine, the next I'm close to tears.

When I didn't feel cramping today I started to cry. My last transfer I felt light cramping nearly immediately and when I didn't feel it now I thought it meant the transfer didn't work. My husband made me feel better by reminding me that it's still early and the embryo may be taking its time implanting, beside the reminder about the meds hiding symptoms.

I decided to try not taking HPTs again, like last cycle. There's nothing a pee test will guarantee and knowing early doesn't prevent miscarriage. If I don't test then I get to hold on to the hope until beta when I'll know for sure one way or the other. I'm trying to stay positive and take it day by day. If I test and it comes back negative I'll be devastated and it might even be a false negative anyway, so why do that to myself.

This is honestly the hard part of any cycle. I can handle the physical pain. It's the mental game that's hardest for me. The 2ww; the not knowing; the what ifs; the fear of another failure. I read back some of my posts from FET 4 to compare daily symptoms. I made the mistake of reading past the betas into the heartbreaking days of when my pregnancy suddenly ended. It hurts my heart.

We are hoping and praying this transfer goes down a better path.

Lost

Spent most of the evening crying on my husband's shoulder. It's the tough times that show a person's true colors and he's been nothing short of amazing.

I tried to think of next steps but I just couldn't. It's too overwhelming. What guarantee do I have it will ever work? What if I choose to walk away now? Four IVFs. Four FETs. Countless medications and shots. For what? What do we have to show for it? We're back at square one.

I'm tired. We've been at this so aggressively for nearly 18 months with back to back procedures and failed attempts. I'm tired of the failures. I'm tired of the crushing heartbreak.

Even as recently as June 2016 I was less jaded, having "only" had two failed FETs, before the chemical pregnancies started.

In the past six months I've gotten daily PIOs in my butt, painful and bruising intermuscular shots. Two ERA biopsies chomping on my uterine lining to get some answers. We've had two pregnancies confirmed, only to have them end abruptly shortly after.

And what now? We did everything we could and it still isn't working.

My doctor doesn't seem to have any reason to change protocols. While the clinic has been professional and responsive, I'm done with their sterile factory environment. I'm just done.

I don't know what comes next. Do we do another IVF to collect more embryos? We've had mixed success with those in the past. It's expensive and painful. But what's the alternative?

We have one healthy embryo left. Do we transfer? Do we save it and try to get more? What can we change, if anything? I don't think they've created a test yet to tell me why I got pregnant and had great numbers but that the pregnancy spontaneously failed.

I don't know. 

I don't feel supported by the doctor. I don't have the tools to figure it out on my own. I don't have a direction to move in. I can't see with blurry vision through the tears. I can't see past the darkness yet.

2016 so far

Remember how everyone started out 2016 so hopeful and full of enthusiasm? THIS was going to be our year. This time it would be different! It wasn't just an ordinary January - it was January 2016. Nice, even number. The sweet sixteen of the decade. There was optimism and ambition and anticipation... so sure were we that the thing we want most is just around the corner. We could almost taste victory as we waited anxiously for the big things to happen to us.

Yet here we are, with over half the year gone, and it hasn't quite turned out the way we expected. It seems like I'm not the only one who feels this way about 2016.

I think there's a limit to what we can expect to happen TO us and what we actually go for. I recently finished Survivor season 29 and I was so impressed by the winner. Spoiler alert - I'm about to mention her name. I watched Natalie and her twin sister Nadiya on the Amazing Race a few years ago and I found them to be so annoying. They were shrill and aggressive and way too outwardly competitive to be fun to watch. But as a die hard survivor fan I watched the season anyway. When Nadiya got voted off first from her tribe, it was mainly because her tribe mates had similar prejudices against her based on her Amazing Race performance. Rightly or not, that reputation followed her to Survivor. Her sister Natalie was on the winning tribe and had time to form alliances which allowed her to secure a place for the long haul. Natalie also won me over. She was soft spoken (hunger and fatigue??) and very strategic. She wasn't greedy and gave up her reward and personal comfort on multiple occasions to further her game. She still kept some rewards and she worked hard for the immunity challenges she won. There were several times that her closest ally got voted off and she had to scramble to solidify new relationships. She didn't lose her mind or go off on people; she used the time she had to find immunity idols and make bold strategic moves.

A lot of people I know are working on their post-baby body, trying to get back in shape after having kids. Here I am still working on my pre-baby body to get ready to have healthy pregnancies. I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I'm not sure what's holding me back.

I very much have an "all or nothing" mentality that I've been working on modifying. I've started shifting that mentality because I realize life is not about all or nothing. If I only have 20 min to work out instead of 90 min, it's better than not working out at all. I should be able to have a cookie without having 3 more following it. I used to not try at all because I wasn't sure I'd be successful. I recently saw the interview of Sara Blakely who has a different view of failure, one which made her incredibly rich as the founder of Spanx.

I know that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. I have enough self confidence, common sense, and skills to know that for sure. The question is what do I want to accomplish. For now, I'd like to set a realistic, achievable goal of losing 20 lbs (up from my 10lbs plan because, hey, let's dream big). I have a specific number in mind that I want to weigh when I go in for the FET #4 baseline. Even though I'm not sharing it here, I have it written down on a sticky note on my desk.

I know that these are the steps I need to accomplish that:

1) Work out at least 60 min 3x week
2) Limit calorie intake
3) Stay accountable on a daily basis using myfitnesspal.com

As for timeline, I'll say October 1 which gives me 10 weeks and sounds realistic for healthy weight loss. It's a start. It's a goal. It's a project.

Not only will this give me a target to focus on, but it will also help me feel like I'm doing something productive to get my body ready for the next FET. I hope that this coupled with whatever results we get back from the ERA will allow us to finally have a successful transfer and healthy pregnancy.

I'm pumped for this challenge. I feel that I can accomplish this goal and I'm the only one standing in my way. 2016 is not over yet! There's still time to MAKE it the best year yet. Let's do it!!!