IVF 7: stress

It's hard to put into words how stressful today was. Looking back, I am exhausted thinking about it all but I wanted to take the time to write it down to not only get it off my chest but also so that I can look back later and marvel at the insanity.

This morning around 8:25 am I got a voicemail from the clinic that they were still watching 13 and that I'll get an update report tomorrow. Huh? That confused me since we got a report yesterday that said they were watching 8. So I called the number the nurse left on the voicemail to get clarification a little before 9 and waited to hear back.

While waiting for her to call back, I went through a thousand thoughts. First, I was upset that they called it so early in the morning - why are you saying they're a no-go on Day 6 if the day barely started? Give it a minute. Then I was scared because if it's day 6 and they're were unable to biopsy any that doesn't bode well for the cycle. Another bust? Oh no. 

I didn't hear back from the nurse so by 11:30 I called again and left another voicemail, slightly less polite, slightly more panicked. My thoughts went to the worst place: no embryos made it and they don't know how to tell me. I was so wound up. I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to miss the call so I couldn't go. I was at work and being around people just frustrated me. I didn't want to deal with work stuff - everything seemed secondary to the crisis I was dealing with. I was on the verge of tears the entire day.

By 1:30 I still hadn't heard back and I couldn't handle it anymore so I start poking. I sent my nurse an email and got an out of office response: out until the 26th. I sent the backup nurse an email and got an auto response: out until the 27th. I emailed my doctor who I know is on vacation but he said I could email him with questions. I got an auto response from him too. I knew that whatever response he would send wouldn't be on any timeline I could accept. At that point I just said eff it and called the clinic.

I asked to get transferred to the embryology lab and they just transferred the call. Oh, that was easy; should've done this hours ago. My call was picked up by a bored teenager and I asked to get some results. She said they can't give that info out. I not-so-nicely asked to speak to her manager. She put me on hold and came back saying that the embryologist said that my nurse will call me back. I almost spat out that my nurse is out and the nurse that called me was giving me wrong info and I would like some answers. I asked to speak to an embryologist.

The embryologist came on the line. She was really nice. She was the calm to my storm. I told her my issue: that I was told this morning they're still watching 13 when my doc told me yesterday they're watching 8. Where did the extra 5 come from? Why weren't they able to biopsy any? First she told me that the nurse called prematurely before they even finished rounds checking the embryos. There was a feeling that came over me that I couldn't quite pinpoint: anger? relief? It was overwhelming and all-encompassing. It simmered to the top and started leaking out through my eyes. Then she explained that the 8/13 issue where the doc probably only gave me the number that were progressing normally but they are actually still holding on to all of them. She said she can't really give me more information beyond that and that she'll have a nurse call me with a report. Through sobs I was trying to explain to her that I tried calling the nurse all day but no one was calling me back and that I just want to know how my embryos are doing and if any of them made it to biopsy. She apologized profusely and repeated she can't share the info but she'll have the nurse call me back asap. She took a call back number and I tried apologizing for falling apart on her -- it's not her fault the nurse is incompetent. And I still need her to take care of my embryos.

So I hung up and got out of my car, where I had taken the call for some privacy. At that point my face was all blotchy and I was still recovering from sobs - you know that stilted breathing you get? So I took some tissues with me and prepared to walk around the building to calm down. As I walked I texted my husband a series of tests with an update. As soon as I hit sent the phone rang with the nurse calling. I picked up and she started by apologizing that she looked at the wrong date this morning when she originally called. Are you serious? YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!! Your mistake at looking at the wrong date cost me my sanity - I hope you're happy you stupid idiot. A fresh wave of sobs hit me and I tried explaining to her why it was so upsetting because clearly she wasn't getting it. Instead of listening to what I was saying, "It's ok honey, don't cry it's ok" which prompted me to yell back "No it's not ok!!! I spent all day worrying about this because I got wrong information! I called the number YOU told me to yet no one answered my calls all day!"  Whatever, I wasn't going to make her understand.

She told me that they were able to biopsy 3 today and there's a chance 1 may make it to tomorrow. Was that so hard? It's not a great number but at that point anything above 0 was a miracle. Now the wait for PGD testing.

After getting off the phone with the nurse I went to the restroom to wash my face. I couldn't stop crying. I considered leaving but I had a meeting at 4 I couldn't miss. I had to pull myself together but my face was not getting any less blotchy because the tears kept restarting. Eventually I went back to my desk and got started on a project that I was hoping would distract me enough that I would be able to stop crying. I took a few minutes to email an update to my doctor that I got the info I was looking for and to let him know that it was just not ok that not only did I get wrong information but that there was no one calling me back/answering my voicesmails when I called multiple times to clarify. I had to close the loop.

I picked up a pizza on the way home and by the time I got inside I was just drained. Just completely and totally spent. So much unnecessary drama. Such a domino effect from one careless mistake.

IVF 7: waiting

Today we're supposed to get a day 5 embryo update. I'm on pins and needles. At this time last cycle we were told there were 14 of the 18 embryos were still growing but the next day they were only able to biopsy two. It's a mindf*ck. You get your hopes up and then the numbers drop just like that. I know to expect attrition but that was unusual and incredibly devastating.

They usually call in the morning. I think in every past cycle they always biopsied on Day 6. So unless any of them are super-growers that can get biopsied today, I'll likely just get an update of how many are still in the running.

Update: got the call 10:30 AM. Eight are still being watched; none big enough to biopsy yet. I'm tense and on the verge of tears but there's nothing to cry about yet, I'm just expecting the worst.

IVF 7: Embryo watch

Of the 21 eggs retrieved, 17 were mature, and 13 fertilized. Today, day 2, they're still watching 13. Last retrieval we had 18 at this point and only 2 made it to biopsy, so we're really working on managing expectations.

Recovery is going much better than last time. New this cycle, I started drinking electrolyte-infused water (Core brand) a few days before retrieval. I also took Colace proactively the night of retrieval instead of waiting for an issue. The first night after retrieval was pretty similar to past recovery, but other than that it's been a night and day difference. There's still bloating but not nearly as uncomfortable. There's no constipation at all. By today, two days post-retrieval, I'm feeling almost back to myself. I'm still really tired and there's definitely some residual bloating, but it's not the terrible discomfort I had in previous cycles. I hope the easy recovery continues.

Tonight is the 6th night of Chanukah. I barely had time to register the holiday and it will be over before we know it. We took on the minhag of screen-free time during the first half hour of the candles being lit. It's an effort to just be in the moment and enjoying the holiday which usually flies by in the blink of an eye.

IVF 7: Egg Retrieval

For the seventh time in my life, I went through an egg retrieval. I've been there so often that the OR staff already knows me. The anesthesiologist already knew my tricky veins. It was uneventful for the most part. The azithro wreaked havoc on my system as expected. My weight and vitals were fine. It felt like they were running late (waited in the waiting room 40 min, then waited for the IV to get started almost 30 min) but they ended up taking us back early and I was home sooner than expected. We made a trip to the store on the way home to pick up doughnuts and latkes for Shabbat.

They got 21 eggs. I tried really hard not to be disappointed with that number. I was expecting high-20s results, especially since my E2 was at 2988 on day 14. I totally thought I'd get 29-30. Part of this game is managing expectations and I let mine run away. I know disappointment isn't the right response; not at this stage anyway.

While I can hope they're all mature and all fertilize, I know that's unrealistic. So now the waiting game begins to see how many make it to blast.

I was worried about retrieval and going under so I'm glad the cycle on my end is over and I can work on recovery and putting this behind me, dare I hope maybe even for the last time.

Shabbat shalom and Happy Chanukah!

IVF 7: Day 14

There's a lot to keep track of in terms of what day it is and I'm struggling to remember it all. I know it's Day 14 of the cycle; Day 1 of Chanukah; and Day 5 of my cold. Other than that...??? Monday? Tuesday? Where are we in December??

According to my doctor I'm a Super-Responder. There are plenty of follicles and they're expecting a similar number of eggs as in past cycles. That doesn't mean anything really; not until we know how many embryos survive to blast and through PGS testing. I do know this translates to a difficult road ahead regarding recovery after retrieval. At yesterday's monitoring appointment the largest follicle was at 24.9 but they decided to keep stimming another day because there were several at 16-17 that they wanted to give a chance to catch up, which they do if the lead follicle is under 26. I had to reorder meds and had drama with Freedom again. I'm really starting to hate them. More on that in a minute.

I went in for monitoring this morning, day 14. My regular blooddraw person wasn't there but I gave a new girl a chance (as if I had a choice). She said she hasn't missed in 10 years and I told her I hope I don't break your streak and really meant it. She was good. Didn't hurt and only one stick. She admitted my veins are tricky. I'm just glad it worked.

I'm feeling my ovaries very much. It feels like they're bouncing in molasses, which is the only way I can think of describing it. Other than pressure around the ovaries I'm not feeling bloated. I think it's in part because I've been so nauseous that I'm not really eating. Yesterday at about 1 pm I was feeling so incredibly nauseous and weak... I realized I hadn't eaten since 6:00 pm the previous night and even then it was just a bowl of cereal. I had lunch and felt a little better. Mornings have been difficult this week: force myself to wake up early after not sleeping well, shower, dress, choke down two bottles of water, take the morning shot, and rush out the door to make it to monitoring. Every day this week. The cold water sits like cement in my stomach. It's a catch 22 with the water: I need to drink so they can get blood; but if I drink then the US hurts because it's so crowded down there there isn't room for a full bladder, which is guaranteed to fill up only when I'm already on the table waiting in the small room for the doc and not a minute sooner.

Since I'm running out the door it's usually without breakfast or lunch. I end up drinking tea at work for breakfast and then getting soup or a sandwich for lunch at the caff. But it's not just not having food already prepared - my cold also hasn't helped my appetite and I'm just not interested. Since I'm so congested I can't taste or smell anything so food just isn't appealing this week. I even opted not to have doughnuts at a Chanukah celebration last night. It just isn't worth the calories if I can't taste anything but it's very unusual for me to turn down delicious homemade doughnuts. This morning monitoring went so quickly that I was done with a few minutes to spare. I used the time to pick up an egg+cheese bagel on the way to work which I hope will hold me for the duration of the day.

My Freedom Pharmacy story, if anyone is interested in feeling frustrated vicariously, is that I called in my order for menopur and they forgot to apply the 20% discount one gets when initially ordering over 40 vials. I get an alert when a big purchase goes through on my card so when I saw the charge on my card 20 min later I called again to remind them about the discount. They told me they couldn't apply it because I'm no longer eligible. So I asked to just cancel the order. If I'm not getting a discount I'd rather purchase the medication locally at the same price where I have the option to return it if I don't end up using it. They said they can't do that either since the order already shipped. I got so upset and of course felt angry tears starting to sting my eyes. After talking to a manager she said that actually I am still eligible for the discount, they are super sorry they missed it, there were lots of orders on my account that the tech looking it up didn't see it, that I was given wrong information, and that they'll get the concierge dept to contact me the next day to figure out the refund.

Of course no one called the next day and I called back already upset. This new person also apologized profusely, saying that they're sorry I was given wrong info, that I should remind the next person of the discount if I order again -- to which I responded that I don't know I'll be ordering again because it's such a nightmare ordering from Freedom!!! The person also apologized for the original people telling me that I'll get a call the next day because it takes a lot longer than that to pull all the calls, coach the people who made mistakes, and then process the refund. She explained that they're in one department called Patient Care Coordinators and she's in a different dept--- I DON'T CARE! I don't care what department or whose fault or what your protocols are!!! When I call the number you're ALL Freedom and you're all responsible! Isn't that Customer Service 101?

While they're off teaching newbie employees how things work by reviewing all my calls (most of which I'm probably yelling at someone), I'm out several hundreds of dollars because I'm paying for everything out of pocket. She promised that someone will call and I basically said that at this point I don't even know who to believe any more because every time I call I get the line that they're "not sure why I was given wrong info but this is what's really going on, I'll take care of it." How do I know this isn't wrong info too? I've completely lost confidence in them. At the end of the call I was no closer to getting my refund but there was nothing I could do. I was tired and it was a long day and I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. They said they'll start the investigation first thing this morning (yeah right) and get back to me... eventually. I now hate the phrase, "I do apologize" which sounds sterile and insincere.

Trigger is very likely tonight. I saw my own doctor at monitoring and he confirmed. He also said he prefers to trigger with HCG since I'm not doing a transfer, even though the risk of ohss is higher than with lupron considering my numbers. He said he's open to changing it if I feel particular one way or the other. I understand the ohss risk but I agree with him about using HCG. Lupron isn't guaranteed to trigger and I don't want to risk a failure. I know they need you to come in the day after lupron trig to make sure it absorbed. I don't know what happens if it doesn't absorb but I don't want to find out. I'd rather do my best for the success of the cycle and take care of myself after to try to prevent ohss. I'll find out after 4pm today what time the procedure will be.

I was advised to start drinking electrolyte water now to try to have the electrolytes in my system before the procedure, in addition to drinking it after. I also stocked up on chips and gatorade and will plan to start daily colace starting tomorrow to try and avoid some of those symptoms too. I hope we have good results and an easy recovery.

Nighttime thoughts

It's 4 AM and I can't sleep because my cold is keeping me up. Or maybe the meds. Or maybe the anxiety of another blood draw in just a few hours. So here are a few thoughts, mostly unrelated, keeping me company at this hour:

In a few weeks this blog will turn two years old. We calculated that if our first transfer would have worked, our first baby would have been nearly 18 mos old and we'd likely trying for #2 at this point.

There's a part of infertility that feels like you're constantly being held back. The flip side is that you feel everyone else has moved on. No one I know is still in the trenches. No one in real life or in the blogosphere I've met over the past few years. I don't hold it against anyone for moving on - it's what we're all trying to do. But it gets lonely getting left behind. It's also making me wary of trying to connect with new people.

Ironically, the people that have little kids have more of an active social life because they make time to go out, "date night" style, to get a break from the non-stop grind of parenting. We turn in early partly because of our personalities, but in part because the treatment just wipes me out and I can barely keep my eyes open past 8 pm.

Someone posted a link on fb connecting IVF with breast cancer. Obviously correlation doesn't equal causation and I didn't click on the article to find out more because it's a terrifying subject to me. I already have so much history of it in my family - I can't imagine that adding all these hormones is doing good things. But what's the alternative? Another terrifying thought to keep me up at night.

I stopped doing my eyebrows. I'm not sure why. It started by wanting to have them grow out slightly because the lady did them too thin the last time. But when it was time to go get them cleaned up again I just... didn't. It looks horrendous but I'm not motivated to go get it done. I usually do threading and it hurts so I think I'm just being a sissy and not wanting to anything extra that would hurt these days. I'm not big into makeup and I've been blessed with good skin so my biggest maintenance is managing the facial hair. I'd never let the upper lip get this bad but the eyebrows are in a free-for-all zone. It's been two weeks. We'll see how long this lasts.

I've stopped watching what I eat. I'm nauseous again these days and I often forget or skip eating which can't be healthy. I need to get back on the wagon but between cough drops and tissues I don't have the energy to care. I hope this cold goes away before retrieval so I don't have to deal with both simultaneously.

I wasn't allowed to hold or kiss my nieces and nephews at a family party yesterday because no one wanted me to spread my cold germs. Most of the kids had runny noses from day care anyway, but I understand why people would want to be cautious. It broke my heart though, if I'm being entirely honest. Then again if my own kid was healthy and I had a cold I would likely try to keep the germs to myself so I do understand.

Every year during Chanukah I try out a new recipe, usually dessert. Last year it was homemade cannolis. The year before that it was a salted caramel chocolate cupcake. This year I'm thinking maybe cream puffs or eclaires. Still looking for interesting recipes.

We're in between shows right now. We finished watching all of the original Will & Grace from 1998 - they are my favorite characters of all time. We're caught up on all our regular shows like South Park and Last Man on Earth. I have a season of Survivor I saved for retrieval recovery. We try out different stand up comedy specials on Netflix every so often but we have a short attention span and if they don't catch our attention in the first five minutes they've lost us forever.

We still haven't decided about a trip in Jan. We're stuck between wanting to do the trip and not wanting to spend the money. We're worried Tr*mp will do something insane while we're there and we'll be unable to return to the US. Now that I've seen the endocrinologist early, we're no longer bound by that appointment to wait until February for a transfer. We're concerned about the uptick in terror due to the new announcement about Jerusalem status as capital. If we don't do an Israel trip, where's a comparable alternative that won't feel like a consolation prize, especially since anywhere beautiful is still questionable zika-wise.

I read an article the other day about student debt: The Great College Loan Swindle. I'm one of those people who signed on the dotted line not really understanding the long term consequences. My undergrad loan is under control. I pay less than $100/month and will be done in a few years. My graduate degree is another story. I have a crushing monthly payment that barely covers the interest, let alone the principal, so it never goes down. Part of the reason I stay in my current job is that it qualifies me for PSLF, Public Service Loan Forgiveness. Now I'm hearing that Tr*mp has called for the program's elimination by 2018. If that's the case I'm totally screwed. This, coupled with the new tax laws about not being able to deduct student loans or medical expenses, makes everything in my life a lot more difficult. I've never hated a president before because their actions never affected me directly as much as they do these days.

So that's it for now. Gotta try to get some sleep before starting the week again. It's going to be a busy one.

IVF 7: Day 11

I was due for my yearly cold and it came with a vengeance starting on Friday. Severe sinus pressure, congestion, sore throat; so many tissues were sacrificed for this cold. I wasn't able to sleep at night so when I went in for monitoring early this morning I was distracted and tired.

It wasn't until I was already two sticks in for bloodwork that I asked for someone else. My arm is so bruised and sore from all the bloodwork. I've really come to dread blood draws. They finally got it on stick #4.

After the appointment I went to a funeral. A coworker lost her husband. He was old and ill so it wasn't a surprise. They were married for several decades so it's sad.

When that was over I ran errands getting ready for the week, for Chanukah, and for a birthday party we hosted this evening. We have several December birthdays in the family so we combined them into one party for everyone. The original plan was for me to make most of the food for dinner but because of my cold I delegated to potluck style. Not only did I not want to spread my germs but it turned out really well because I was exhausted this afternoon and ended up taking a 3 hour nap after errands.

I have enough meds to last me through day 12 so if they plan to stim longer I'll have to reorder again. I'm assuming retrieval will be Wed, Thurs, or Friday. Next monitoring tomorrow.

IVF 7: Day 7

What a long, long, long day.

It started at the crack of dawn rushing out the door to get to monitoring appointment. I knew the person who took me back for bloodwork wasn't going to be able to draw - it's my upteenth cycle and she's yet been able to get my vein to date. I didn't have the balls to tell her I want someone else and potentially hurt her feelings. She stuck me once and it stung and hurt so much my eyes immediately welled up with tears as a reflex, and once those started to fall I was actually crying because I felt sorry for myself. She offered to have someone else draw and they were able to do it with one stick. I then waited in the smaller room for nearly half an hour for the ultrasound. I don't know what took so long; the waiting room only had two other people. I thought I had a full night sleep but I had such fatigue and brain fog that I couldn't keep my eyes open.

The largest measured around 8s and my E2 levels rose nicely from last time, but it's trailing a bit from last cycle. I don't think we'll get as many eggs but then again what did it help that we got 28 eggs if we only ended with two blasts and only one testing ok. It's not even a numbers game - it's basically all a gamble.

I finally got out of there and rushed to work where we had such a busy day. I got home close to 8 pm after a full day of non-stop event prep and then the event itself. Half the day I considered snorting coffee just to be able keep my eyes open. I had to constantly take a moment to refocus. It was difficult to stay productive all day but necessary because there was a ticking timeline and things needed to get done.

I had an epiphany regarding work. I did some research and found a title I want that I think may be considered. I'm excited about it and started keeping notes in prep for my review.

Today Tr*mp did more things to get his face on the news. I don't agree with his decision about Israel and Jerusalem and I don't think he realizes he doesn't have to get tv ratings up with wacky ideas and crazy shenanigans.

IVF 7: Day 6

It's the sixth day of hormones and I'm starting to feel the emotional effects. Not so much physically yet. Already snoozed several accounts on fb because of their copious baby picture posts.

I had my dermatology appointment yesterday. I go every six months as a preventive measure. Of course she found something to slice off. It made her feel better and it was on my leg and I didn't care so off it went. It took about 10 seconds and I'll get results in a few days.

Yesterday a new coworker asked incredulously why I don't have a higher title or position. She was trying to understand the culture and it was asked innocently. I wasn't offended - I completely hear what she's saying. I'm not tooting my own horn but it is weird to be in my position considering my education and qualifications. But seeing it from her perspective was a startling reminder about what we're giving up in the attempts to build a family.

The first reason is because it's comfortable enough to afford flexibility for treatment. The second reason is that it's because I work at a non-profit and people don't leave; they stay for 40 years and then retire, so basically anyone young needs to wait for a retirement party or funeral before a position in management becomes available. The third reason is that my ambition is channeled all toward success in treatment and I just don't have the energy to fight for it every year at my review or put in the effort to look for a new place.

I know they're lame excuses. I know I'm not stuck and I know I can start looking for another job today. Why don't I? Because in the back of my mind I'm also hoping treatment will work and then I'll need the flexibility for the duration of pregnancy and then when having an infant at home. I've gone back and forth in my mind about it a hundred times over the past few years and I always come to the same conclusion: I have the rest of my life to build my career but there is a finite number of fertile years and we'll never regret giving treatment the best chance possible. If I coast along for a few years in a job that offers less stress and responsibility so that I can focus on trying to build a family, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It still stings though, especially when you realize it's obvious to the outside world.

But I can't tell all that to a new coworker. I came up with a plausible answer and left it at that. Every time I feel like I'm at peace with my choice something like this comes up and makes me second guess whether I'm making the right decision.

IVF 7: Day 4

Monitoring appointment this morning took less than an hour which is great for a weekend. Quick bloodwork with only one stick. Ultrasound showed 11 on one side, 15 on the other; too small to measure. Quick and painless for the most part. I picked up bagels on the way home and we spent the majority of the day chilling out at home. Toward late afternoon we went on a long walk trying to enjoy the last licks of beautiful weather before it turns cold.

Our friend hosted a pre-Chanukah party last night and it was so nice to see friends we hadn't seen in a while. Since it was an adult-only party, it was also nice to see friends without the distraction of their kids or pets.

The next few weeks are going to be really busy at work before the office closes for winter break between christmas and new year's. I tried to schedule this cycle around specific events, knowing the first few weeks of Dec will be more busy than the next few but it's still going to be tough to take a few days off in the middle. I plan to take two days off - day of retrieval and day after, but depending on how I feel and where it is in relation to the weekend I may take more or less.  There's no way to know in advance but I gave my supervisor a heads up that it's coming.

Full week ahead - have a great one!

IVF 7: Baseline

It felt like things were going so slow this morning - they couldn't get anything done the first time around. When I checked in I planned to make my payment as usual. They couldn't figure out if the number I was paying included the credit I'm owed or not. I assumed it did already since it was the number I was quoted by the financial counselor but if they wanted to double check, who am I to argue. So I sat down without having that taken care of.

Then came bloodwork. They stuck me twice, no success. I reminded them they need to take my weight. They nearly forgot about it, and after I worked so hard getting rid of every ounce (currently 16.8 lbs away from my goal; 7.2 lbs away from clinic max)! Since they were having no luck with my vein they sent me for ultrasound and said they'll try again after. So didn't get that done either.

Thankfully, there was no issue with the ultrasound. After that I got stuck again in my arm but they weren't able to get blood, so they moved to my hand instead. It hurts SO much to get blood drawn from the hand.  Less so during, but so much after and then throughout the day. Both my arm and hand have nasty bruises. I hope this isn't any indication of what the cycle is going to be like or we're in for a bumpy ride. 

After blood draw I went back to the front desk to make my payment so that it doesn't hold anything up. They still couldn't figure out the credit situation so they said to make my payment less the credit and if there's any issue I'll get a call from the financial counselor. No complaints here: I got a 20% discount - maybe it's a Cyber Monday miracle!

I got the call this afternoon that bloodwork results are in and we're cleared to start. Shots start Thursday.

Reasons

As baseline for IVF 7 approaches I've been getting a strong desire to do a transfer instead of a retrieval. I've got baby fever and just want to be pregnant and get the show on the road toward 9 h&h months and be over recovery and just enjoy my baby.

But I know it doesn't work that way. Not in my world. Transfer doesn't necessarily equal pregnancy and so we have to make decisions for the long run.

There are good reasons to wait for a transfer:

• First, if we do another retrieval then we potentially have more embryos. It's better age-wise and recovery-wise. Before winter break is the best time to do a retrieval so that I have time to recover physically and emotionally from the hormones.
• Second, I'm doing well on my diet and really want to give it a chance to get to my goal weight (now 19.6 lbs away). I've been yo-yoing back and forth for years and I want to hunker down and get it done. I know my weight will jump back up after retrieval when I don't have the energy to exercise any self-control -- especially since it will be right around Chanukah -- but I know I can do it if I focus, and what better way than using a healthy preg as motivation. I'm far enough removed from the last loss to let myself believe it's an actual possibility, not just an irrational fantasy.
• Third, I'd really like to give a chance to see the endocrinologist before a transfer if possible. Our appointment is scheduled for end of January. Originally that timeline was perfect when it included a Jan trip. Now that the trip may not be happening there's no need to wait until Feb to do a transfer.

Those reasons are what's keeping me from pushing for an immediate transfer. My husband believes retrieving now is better but would support a transfer instead, especially if I said I can't handle another retrieval now. I don't want to be the reason the retrieval is canceled so as much as I hate the process I'd rather not think about it too much and just get it over with. Sometimes knowing what to expect is good and bad. In this case I know it will suck, I know it will hurt, I know I will be miserable and emotional... but I also know that it will pass and that even though it will suck for a while, it won't be forever.

Ordered

I finally crossed "buy meds" off my list. Of course there was multiple hold times with Freedom and the person had to call me back. It's never simple with them. It is what it is.... bye-bye thousands of dollars.

I went back to read my blog from this time last year. It's so sad. I can't even think of anything I want to do less than go through that again. Yet here we are... starting another cycle.

I had a mini-career crisis today. It feels like I'm stuck in a position where they see me in a certain way and I have nowhere to grow. I do look around at other open positions and occasionally apply and interview, but it's not like I'm getting comparable offers left and right. There are also so many good things about my job that I don't want to lose if I leave.

After venting to a friend who used to work there and knows the dynamics of the place, I felt better. I realized I want to figure out a way to get ahead at my current place rather than give up and try somewhere else. A decade ago I was so ambitious but these days it feels like all my energy is spent on gearing up and recovering from cycles. Being aware of that makes me want to try to rediscover some of that ambition and try new things.

In diet news I'm exactly the same weight as baseline from IVF 6. That means I'm just under the limit but want to get more of a cushion. I've been at this weight for about two years +/- five pounds. My newest goal is to get to a certain number by transfer day, whenever that happens to be. Right now I'm 21.4 lbs away from that number. I have a little time until baseline but Thanksgiving is right in between so I'll have to be careful not to overdo it that day.

Getting ready for IVF 7

Over the holiday my nurse emailed me to let me know she's moving positions and that I'll have to get assigned a new nurse. It took a few days of back and forth but then I involved my doctor and was finally assigned a new nurse. We set a baseline date around my work schedule and I'm working on getting a quote for medication from several different pharmacies.

In the meantime I also started getting information from our new financial counselor. I got us a refund for a portion of the last cycle because we overpaid for something that should have been submitted to insurance. It's crazy how on top of things I have to be - isn't that literally their job? They just don't care how they get paid. If payment comes from insurance great, if it happens to come from our pocket also great. It's a challenge to constantly be on the ball and know that if I miss something then we lose out.

I'm trying to not overthink this cycle. Whatever will be will be. IVF 6 kicked me in the nuts with recovery and results. I'm hoping that an upcoming Jan trip will be enough motivation to keep me happy and energized. Bottom line is that it's a hellish 3 weeks and regardless of results it too shall pass.

So how did we get to this decision? As I was thinking about what we want to do next, I tried figuring out how to do another cycle and another transfer before January. I don't know why that was a deadline in my mind. It's possible because the clinic OR shuts down the last week of December for their yearly scrubbing and they don't start any new cycles leading up to that week. No matter how I sliced it, I couldn't get the calendar to fit both an IVF and a transfer which meant we had to choose one. In the back of my mind I was also thinking that it would be nice to do a trip and take a real break.

My husband's work schedule dictates our vacation schedule and we calculated that it may be possible to take a trip in 2018. The more we talked about it the more we realized how much we both want to go. We decided to try to book a trip for earliest possible time in 2018. With that decision made everything else seemed to fall in place. We knew we didn't want to try to do a transfer before the trip which made it easy to choose the time in Nov/Dec for another retrieval. At this point the bar is set so low that the very least will be that we tried something and didn't waste the time, regardless of the results of the cycle. My office is closed for winter break at the end of December so I'll have a solid week for recovery.

Even though it's only mid-October I asked my new nurse to see if she can schedule the retrieval for early December. It gives me time to get back to some routine first and get my head in the game. It also allows me to take care of several work events between now and then without the stress of the cycle and meds. It also gives me the chance to enjoy the Thanskgiving break. It just makes sense overall. There's not much that we can control when it comes to treatment, but for the things that we can it makes a difference.

Feeling good

I talked a lot about redoing our bedroom and it finally happened. I bought the furniture we liked at a Labor Day sale knowing it would take a while to ship and it finally arrived. It's spectacular!  The room is still a work in progress but I'm happy to report progress. Next up is lighting, decor, and accessories.

After seeing what the architect came up with, I've decided against renovating the house to add a master bathroom within the current perimeter. Either we'll finish off the basement or we'll do an addition upstairs (or maybe both eventually down the line). I don't want to have tiny rooms and teeny bathrooms and pay out the nose for it. So that's on hold for now.

I've been talking with my new nurse about our next cycle. I'm trying to schedule retrieval around my work schedule. Things are going to get hectic in the next several weeks so I want to see if we can work backwards from mid-December. That gives me enough time to get mentally prepared and enjoy a few more weeks of normalcy. It will also give me a chance to drop the extra holiday pounds.

I've been enjoying our non-treatment break so, so much. It feels amazing to just be regular without discomfort or pain or fluctuating hormones making me crazy. It's incredible to be able to hold my emotions, something really difficult while on medication. It's so nice to be able to plan a few days in advance because I don't have to assume I likely won't feel well.

On one hand I hate having to gear up to get into this again for IVF 7, knowing the hell coming up. I also hate the idea of all the shots coming up for whatever transfers we end up doing, along with all the side effects that come with it. On the other hand, feeling like this makes me happy to know that whatever treatment hell has in store, it's temporary. It will be over eventually. It's not forever. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I can and will feel normal again, it's just a matter of time and a difficult chapter to get through. The mere idea of all this being "in the past" and having gotten to the other side is exciting.

Over the past few weeks there was a significant change in my attitude: I've been happy and hopeful. I have energy and a spring in my step. I'm not sure what specifically to attribute it to. The break and lack of meds is probably a big factor. I know that the holiday season was incredibly difficult where we were reminded of our childlessness non-stop. At shul, at family gatherings, at holiday celebrations - triggers were everywhere. Before Kol Hanearim this year at Simchat Torah our rabbi read this prayer specifically geared toward couples dealing with infertility. It was special and gut-wrenching at the same time.

So maybe we hit a new low regarding feeling sad that there was only one way to go, which is up. Regardless of the cause, I'm glad to be feeling good and more like myself, making decisions and taking chances on things I may not have otherwise. For the first time in a while I'm looking forward to what's ahead even thought it's still scary and out of my control.