IVF 7: stress

It's hard to put into words how stressful today was. Looking back, I am exhausted thinking about it all but I wanted to take the time to write it down to not only get it off my chest but also so that I can look back later and marvel at the insanity.

This morning around 8:25 am I got a voicemail from the clinic that they were still watching 13 and that I'll get an update report tomorrow. Huh? That confused me since we got a report yesterday that said they were watching 8. So I called the number the nurse left on the voicemail to get clarification a little before 9 and waited to hear back.

While waiting for her to call back, I went through a thousand thoughts. First, I was upset that they called it so early in the morning - why are you saying they're a no-go on Day 6 if the day barely started? Give it a minute. Then I was scared because if it's day 6 and they're were unable to biopsy any that doesn't bode well for the cycle. Another bust? Oh no. 

I didn't hear back from the nurse so by 11:30 I called again and left another voicemail, slightly less polite, slightly more panicked. My thoughts went to the worst place: no embryos made it and they don't know how to tell me. I was so wound up. I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to miss the call so I couldn't go. I was at work and being around people just frustrated me. I didn't want to deal with work stuff - everything seemed secondary to the crisis I was dealing with. I was on the verge of tears the entire day.

By 1:30 I still hadn't heard back and I couldn't handle it anymore so I start poking. I sent my nurse an email and got an out of office response: out until the 26th. I sent the backup nurse an email and got an auto response: out until the 27th. I emailed my doctor who I know is on vacation but he said I could email him with questions. I got an auto response from him too. I knew that whatever response he would send wouldn't be on any timeline I could accept. At that point I just said eff it and called the clinic.

I asked to get transferred to the embryology lab and they just transferred the call. Oh, that was easy; should've done this hours ago. My call was picked up by a bored teenager and I asked to get some results. She said they can't give that info out. I not-so-nicely asked to speak to her manager. She put me on hold and came back saying that the embryologist said that my nurse will call me back. I almost spat out that my nurse is out and the nurse that called me was giving me wrong info and I would like some answers. I asked to speak to an embryologist.

The embryologist came on the line. She was really nice. She was the calm to my storm. I told her my issue: that I was told this morning they're still watching 13 when my doc told me yesterday they're watching 8. Where did the extra 5 come from? Why weren't they able to biopsy any? First she told me that the nurse called prematurely before they even finished rounds checking the embryos. There was a feeling that came over me that I couldn't quite pinpoint: anger? relief? It was overwhelming and all-encompassing. It simmered to the top and started leaking out through my eyes. Then she explained that the 8/13 issue where the doc probably only gave me the number that were progressing normally but they are actually still holding on to all of them. She said she can't really give me more information beyond that and that she'll have a nurse call me with a report. Through sobs I was trying to explain to her that I tried calling the nurse all day but no one was calling me back and that I just want to know how my embryos are doing and if any of them made it to biopsy. She apologized profusely and repeated she can't share the info but she'll have the nurse call me back asap. She took a call back number and I tried apologizing for falling apart on her -- it's not her fault the nurse is incompetent. And I still need her to take care of my embryos.

So I hung up and got out of my car, where I had taken the call for some privacy. At that point my face was all blotchy and I was still recovering from sobs - you know that stilted breathing you get? So I took some tissues with me and prepared to walk around the building to calm down. As I walked I texted my husband a series of tests with an update. As soon as I hit sent the phone rang with the nurse calling. I picked up and she started by apologizing that she looked at the wrong date this morning when she originally called. Are you serious? YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!! Your mistake at looking at the wrong date cost me my sanity - I hope you're happy you stupid idiot. A fresh wave of sobs hit me and I tried explaining to her why it was so upsetting because clearly she wasn't getting it. Instead of listening to what I was saying, "It's ok honey, don't cry it's ok" which prompted me to yell back "No it's not ok!!! I spent all day worrying about this because I got wrong information! I called the number YOU told me to yet no one answered my calls all day!"  Whatever, I wasn't going to make her understand.

She told me that they were able to biopsy 3 today and there's a chance 1 may make it to tomorrow. Was that so hard? It's not a great number but at that point anything above 0 was a miracle. Now the wait for PGD testing.

After getting off the phone with the nurse I went to the restroom to wash my face. I couldn't stop crying. I considered leaving but I had a meeting at 4 I couldn't miss. I had to pull myself together but my face was not getting any less blotchy because the tears kept restarting. Eventually I went back to my desk and got started on a project that I was hoping would distract me enough that I would be able to stop crying. I took a few minutes to email an update to my doctor that I got the info I was looking for and to let him know that it was just not ok that not only did I get wrong information but that there was no one calling me back/answering my voicesmails when I called multiple times to clarify. I had to close the loop.

I picked up a pizza on the way home and by the time I got inside I was just drained. Just completely and totally spent. So much unnecessary drama. Such a domino effect from one careless mistake.