Countdown to the future

As December comes to a close I can't help but think back to this time last year. On Dec 15 we got our second negative beta. At the time we didn't know that two more IVFs, two more FETs, and two ERA biopsies were in our future. We didn't know that two chemical pregnancies and the loss of those embryos and hope would be coming up. Would we have changed anything if we'd known?

It was around that time that I realized this will take longer than anticipated and I started searching for support online.

I'm worried about the future, both immediate and distant. I don't know what it holds and that scares me. We had to fill out all the IVF paperwork again (something else that expires yearly) and sign off on the fact that we understand this medication can cause cancer and other ailments. When the tradeoff is having a baby, you take the risks. But we now know it's not a guarantee. They used to say at the clinic that everything is fine and we should just keep transferring. Yet the other day the doctor mentioned something about donor eggs. Donor eggs? What for? We're not there yet, why would you say that? His answer was that he can't possibly imagine what else is going on. He threw it out as as an underhanded comment, not an actual suggestion, but it's a different tune than the "just keep transferring" one he's been singing until now.

We're in trial-and-error phase. It's the suckiest and worst feeling. We're going in to the next IVF knowing that we may not have any embryos to transfer. We know going in that even if we transfer they may not stick. We know going in that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you're finally getting your baby. We know going in that failure is possible, almost probable considering our track record.

I've shed countless tears and asked a thousand questions but I still don't have an answer as to why the four transfers failed. I still don't know what will help us achieve a healthy pregnancy. I continue to watch everyone around me grow their families and move on with their lives while we're stuck in this limbo. For who knows how long. It's our own personal hell. Not able to move on, not able to let go.

The funeral for our rabbi was held today. The funeral hall holds about 400 with overflow seating. There were about 600 people there, standing room only. Several people eulogized the rabbi and talked about his life. His greatest joy were his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, even though he's had numerous other accomplishments in his 90+ years. He left behind an entire legacy. What a blessing.

In reflecting back to this time last year, I think ahead to this time next year. We should all be alive and well, but what else will be going on? What does 2017 have in store? There's no way to skip ahead and wikipedia the plot, is there? The suspense is something else. But there's also anticipation. If there's a chance of failure it means there's a chance for success - that's the glass-half-full in me talking. I've lost the confidence but I still have some faith.

May the new year bring us renewed HOPE. Personal peace. Patience. Acceptance for the things beyond our control. Courage and stamina to see this through. Strength and energy to cloak the envy. Lots of laughter and love. Adventure and success. 

For anyone else still in the trenches, I wish for our 2017 to be the best one yet.

Follow up and then some

Our follow up appointment this morning went as well as it could. Our doctor is a nice person and says the right things to make us feel comfortable. He tries, but he doesn't have answers. If it were up to him he'd say to just keep everything the same and try over and over doing the same thing until it works. If treatment was painless and free of charge, yeah maybe we'd go that route. But since it's not, I feel the need to research the hell out of our options and try something different if the first things didn't work.

We went over several options. He doesn't seem confident that any of them are our silver bullet, so to speak, but is willing to give anything a try. He was patient and answered all our questions. I never felt rushed or dismissed, but I also didn't feel satisfied that we have exhausted all of our options. Here's a summary of what we talked about:

• Blood thinners, baby aspirin, steroids, and anti-inflammatory medication
• Intralipid therapy
• Weight loss
• Fresh IVF or another transfer
• Hormone levels
• Age
• Next steps

Blood thinners, etc.

According to the doctor, the data isn't conclusive one way or the other. If it does work, there's no way to say this is why. He said side effects are minimal, if any. He said he would do both a bloodthinner and an anti-inflammtory combo. I asked about only using one because of the slight chance of side effects on the baby like cleft palate while on steroids. He'd be ok with doing only one, but his suggestion is if you're already gonna do it, go all in with both.

Intralipid therapy

He says that he wouldn't even know where to recommend going for this. The data is inconclusive and there is no current practice for any of the physicians in the clinic to recommend this. He knows about it but does not believe there is any value to this expensive therapy.

Weight loss

It's not the first time I'm hearing this. There's no way to know if this is a factor or not, but it's within my control (somewhat) and so I'm not dismissing it. I know it's the only thing he can come up with because everything else is testing normal. If I can lose weight I will, but I'm not pushing off treatment for this. 

Fresh or frozen

We have a unique challenge in that we need to have our embryos PGD tested. In a regular IVF cycle where you don't need genetic testing, you get to transfer on the 5th day after the egg reterival because your lining is primed due to the medication. Since we have one remaining embryo already tested, it presents with a few options: 

• Option 1: just do a FET
• Option 2: do a fresh IVF and transfer 6 days after the egg retrieval 
• Option 3: do a fresh IVF and wait a cycle before the FET

I originally went in thinking we'd do option 2, with a fresh IVF and then a transfer as soon as possible. The doctor said that there is a slight chance that the extra estrogen from the stim cycle might cause a decreased chance of success, so I think we might do option 3. I know it's only a slight chance, but regardless of how small, I don't want to risk it. We have some time to decide. 

Hormone levels

I asked the doctor to review all my hormone levels and double check if everything looks good. No anomalies spotted. Thyroid, prolactin, etc. all ok. If there is a problem it's not showing up here. 

Age

I'll be 33 in March. I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to not only have a child, but also give it a sibling. Nothing we've done to this point got us any closer to that goal. Some people think that they want a baby. I don't just want a baby - I want a big family. Dreaming big, even if it seems greedy.

We talked with the doctor about doing another IVF before another transfer in order to bank some embryos. He seemed confused at first, so I explained that if we want to have more kids then the next transfer we do, if it works (big if) I'd have to take off about two years from treatment, one for the pregnancy and one for breastfeeding/recovery/having an infant to care for at home. If I'm ever lucky enough to take home a baby, I want to enjoy it as much as possible before having to worry about the next one. I said I was worried about my age and that isn't it better to bank some embryos at my current age rather than waiting?  I'm getting ahead of myself, I know. I should probably try to focus on just #1 before anything else. 

He responded that I don't need to worry about that until age 37 or 38, especially since I've been a good responder until now. I'm not sure how much I believe him about that. I get that he's the professional and he's used to seeing women in their 40s trying to get pregnant, but the only thing I have going for me right now is that I'm still relatively young. Why not use it to my advantage if I can bank some now? 

My other thought process is that iyh when we are trying for #2, we'll have a #1 running around. If I don't have to wait, I'd rather get an IVF/egg retrieval out of the way now instead of having to deal with it later with a toddler. Again, I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but this is part of my thought process. 

Next steps

So now we have to decide what we want to do next. We have so many unanswered questions and too many unknowns. Here's what we do know: 

• We want to continue trying. 
• We have one healthy embryo in the freezer. 
• We know I can get pregnant. Embryo implanted and continued to grow. Therefore we will focus our efforts on keeping a pregnancy rather than implantation issues.
• We know our insurance coverage won't kick in until mid-Jan at the earliest. 
• We know that since insurance won't kick in before my next period is due, we're looking at a late Jan or early Feb cycle.
• We know that we are nearing our lifetime maximum benefits for fertility treatment coverage so a lot of our treatment moving forward may have to be out of pocket at the reduced insurance rate. 
• We know we want to bank more embryos before doing a transfer. 
• We know we want to wait after the IVF to do a transfer.
• We know we have two options for the next transfer: 
• Change nothing
• Add bloodthinner/steroid protocol
• We know that losing weight is an option. 

Based on that information, we will discuss in the coming days what we want to do and take it from there. 

To his credit the doctor is willing to discuss any option. He's seems mildly interested in helping us succeed, but he's a skilled clinician who is professional and efficient at his job. He told us to take our time to think about things and let him know if we have any questions, asking us to include a phone number in our email if we want him to call to discus anything. 

I think the temporary plan now is to wait for my next period, start an IVF cycle late Jan, wait a cycle and transfer in Feb with the bloodthinner etc protocol. In the meantime to try to lose weight. I'll let that pickle for a few days and if it still seems like a good idea and we both still agree then we'll go forward with that.

I'm a little bit over all this. I'm feeling deflated and drained. This last loss really took a lot out of me. I don't have the same hopeful optimism. The fear of failure is so great that instead of calculating due dates after a transfer, I calculate how soon we can try again in case of a loss. I don't think I'll ever have a sense of relief where it relates to pregnancy.

We spent a large portion of our 20s in debt and unemployment due to the 2008 recession and it took us a while to climb out of it. We're now spending the best time of our 30s suffering with infertility. I feel like we were late to bloom and we're wasting the best of our youth just trying to stay afloat. Where did we go wrong? What did we do to deserve this? More importantly, how do we overcome? If not overcome, how do we shift our goals and priorities to still lead happy lives?

I don't have answers. I just have an emptiness. When I start feeling happy a guilt creeps in. I don't know why or what for, but I feel guilty for trying to be happy. Maybe in a way it feels as though being happy invalidates all the sad things we're going through. I think I just need to not rush the time it takes to let things heal.

We talked about going on a trip to try to get a little space and fresh surroundings, but it's the same issue again that comes up. The more money we spend, the less we have for treatment. Our 10 year anniversary is coming up this summer and I've been saving for a major trip for almost 4 years. It now seems like we may need to use those funds for more treatment. It's unfair and it sucks, but I feel like I have to try everything before giving up. I don't want to live with regrets. We will iyh celebrate our anniversary wherever we are together, but there's only a finite window to build a family. I wanted to compromise and have a quickie getaway nearby, but anywhere nearby that's worth traveling to during this season still has zika issues. It feels like we can't win.

I feel like if we just can keep going we can thrive, not just survive.  We just need a little bit of luck to get through this latest rough patch. I also need to remember to learn to enjoy the journey. I feel blessed that we have the opportunity to try again. Our life is currently being made up of these memories and it is what we make it. We are so fortunate to have the things we do - I'm too superstitious to list them here - and I am thankful every day. 

2016 so far

Remember how everyone started out 2016 so hopeful and full of enthusiasm? THIS was going to be our year. This time it would be different! It wasn't just an ordinary January - it was January 2016. Nice, even number. The sweet sixteen of the decade. There was optimism and ambition and anticipation... so sure were we that the thing we want most is just around the corner. We could almost taste victory as we waited anxiously for the big things to happen to us.

Yet here we are, with over half the year gone, and it hasn't quite turned out the way we expected. It seems like I'm not the only one who feels this way about 2016.

I think there's a limit to what we can expect to happen TO us and what we actually go for. I recently finished Survivor season 29 and I was so impressed by the winner. Spoiler alert - I'm about to mention her name. I watched Natalie and her twin sister Nadiya on the Amazing Race a few years ago and I found them to be so annoying. They were shrill and aggressive and way too outwardly competitive to be fun to watch. But as a die hard survivor fan I watched the season anyway. When Nadiya got voted off first from her tribe, it was mainly because her tribe mates had similar prejudices against her based on her Amazing Race performance. Rightly or not, that reputation followed her to Survivor. Her sister Natalie was on the winning tribe and had time to form alliances which allowed her to secure a place for the long haul. Natalie also won me over. She was soft spoken (hunger and fatigue??) and very strategic. She wasn't greedy and gave up her reward and personal comfort on multiple occasions to further her game. She still kept some rewards and she worked hard for the immunity challenges she won. There were several times that her closest ally got voted off and she had to scramble to solidify new relationships. She didn't lose her mind or go off on people; she used the time she had to find immunity idols and make bold strategic moves.

A lot of people I know are working on their post-baby body, trying to get back in shape after having kids. Here I am still working on my pre-baby body to get ready to have healthy pregnancies. I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I'm not sure what's holding me back.

I very much have an "all or nothing" mentality that I've been working on modifying. I've started shifting that mentality because I realize life is not about all or nothing. If I only have 20 min to work out instead of 90 min, it's better than not working out at all. I should be able to have a cookie without having 3 more following it. I used to not try at all because I wasn't sure I'd be successful. I recently saw the interview of Sara Blakely who has a different view of failure, one which made her incredibly rich as the founder of Spanx.

I know that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. I have enough self confidence, common sense, and skills to know that for sure. The question is what do I want to accomplish. For now, I'd like to set a realistic, achievable goal of losing 20 lbs (up from my 10lbs plan because, hey, let's dream big). I have a specific number in mind that I want to weigh when I go in for the FET #4 baseline. Even though I'm not sharing it here, I have it written down on a sticky note on my desk.

I know that these are the steps I need to accomplish that:

1) Work out at least 60 min 3x week
2) Limit calorie intake
3) Stay accountable on a daily basis using myfitnesspal.com

As for timeline, I'll say October 1 which gives me 10 weeks and sounds realistic for healthy weight loss. It's a start. It's a goal. It's a project.

Not only will this give me a target to focus on, but it will also help me feel like I'm doing something productive to get my body ready for the next FET. I hope that this coupled with whatever results we get back from the ERA will allow us to finally have a successful transfer and healthy pregnancy.

I'm pumped for this challenge. I feel that I can accomplish this goal and I'm the only one standing in my way. 2016 is not over yet! There's still time to MAKE it the best year yet. Let's do it!!!