Countdown to the future

As December comes to a close I can't help but think back to this time last year. On Dec 15 we got our second negative beta. At the time we didn't know that two more IVFs, two more FETs, and two ERA biopsies were in our future. We didn't know that two chemical pregnancies and the loss of those embryos and hope would be coming up. Would we have changed anything if we'd known?

It was around that time that I realized this will take longer than anticipated and I started searching for support online.

I'm worried about the future, both immediate and distant. I don't know what it holds and that scares me. We had to fill out all the IVF paperwork again (something else that expires yearly) and sign off on the fact that we understand this medication can cause cancer and other ailments. When the tradeoff is having a baby, you take the risks. But we now know it's not a guarantee. They used to say at the clinic that everything is fine and we should just keep transferring. Yet the other day the doctor mentioned something about donor eggs. Donor eggs? What for? We're not there yet, why would you say that? His answer was that he can't possibly imagine what else is going on. He threw it out as as an underhanded comment, not an actual suggestion, but it's a different tune than the "just keep transferring" one he's been singing until now.

We're in trial-and-error phase. It's the suckiest and worst feeling. We're going in to the next IVF knowing that we may not have any embryos to transfer. We know going in that even if we transfer they may not stick. We know going in that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you're finally getting your baby. We know going in that failure is possible, almost probable considering our track record.

I've shed countless tears and asked a thousand questions but I still don't have an answer as to why the four transfers failed. I still don't know what will help us achieve a healthy pregnancy. I continue to watch everyone around me grow their families and move on with their lives while we're stuck in this limbo. For who knows how long. It's our own personal hell. Not able to move on, not able to let go.

The funeral for our rabbi was held today. The funeral hall holds about 400 with overflow seating. There were about 600 people there, standing room only. Several people eulogized the rabbi and talked about his life. His greatest joy were his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, even though he's had numerous other accomplishments in his 90+ years. He left behind an entire legacy. What a blessing.

In reflecting back to this time last year, I think ahead to this time next year. We should all be alive and well, but what else will be going on? What does 2017 have in store? There's no way to skip ahead and wikipedia the plot, is there? The suspense is something else. But there's also anticipation. If there's a chance of failure it means there's a chance for success - that's the glass-half-full in me talking. I've lost the confidence but I still have some faith.

May the new year bring us renewed HOPE. Personal peace. Patience. Acceptance for the things beyond our control. Courage and stamina to see this through. Strength and energy to cloak the envy. Lots of laughter and love. Adventure and success. 

For anyone else still in the trenches, I wish for our 2017 to be the best one yet.