Planning

I can't do a baseline as soon as January starts because it takes time for insurance to be verified. But I can try to fit in the day 3 blood work and the mock transfer as soon as I want.

They won't do actual fertility treatment until authorization is in, but they can do pre-tests if I sign a waiver saying that I understand I'm responsible for payment in case insurance doesn't come through.

My period is technically due this week but since I'm on pills I can try to push it off a week. If pushing off works, then my CD1 will be Jan 2 or 3. I don't remember how many days after stopping pills the full flow starts so I need to make sure to time it correctly so that day 3 doesn't fall out on Saturday. I need to be off pills in order to do day 3 blood but after that I can get back on pills and then schedule the mock transfer for sometime between days 5-12. That puts next period around week of 1/23 so it's possible to still have a January baseline assuming insurance is verified before that.

If I can't push off my period a week (too much breakthrough bleeding) then I'll have to have it this week, then the next one would be mid-January for the two tests, and then have another period, and then baseline would be mid-Feb.

I'm trying not to stress about it either way.

In the past I used to be able to relax between cycles. After each failure we'd have some plan forward and with it renewed hope. I can't seem to relax this time because I don't have any solutions for future transfers. There's no point at which I'll feel like I can just relax.

We're probably going to try the extra meds (anti-inflammatory and blood thinners) in the next transfer, even though all tests point to there being no issues to warrant that. It's something to try so I'm willing to try it. I'm worried about the side effects, especially the potential weight-gain from prednisone.

I'm going to try Medifast for the first few weeks of January. I've thought about using this method to lose weight in the past but dismissed it because it was gross and expensive. That's still true. The difference now is that I'm at the point where I'm willing to try anything. I also want to see fast results. I'm going to try it for three weeks and see how it works out. The plan is to try to stick to the diet until baseline, whenever that is. I feel like baseline and the start of shots are kind of punishment enough that I deserve to go back to salads, fruit, and regular servings of roasted vegetables :)

I've been visiting someone admitted to the hospital at 30 weeks with serious pregnancy complications. It's weird to be in the OB ward. The situation is scary and precarious; I don't wish it on anyone. It still doesn't make it any easier to walk the halls seeing women achieve goals I've yet to accomplish: get pregnant, stay pregnant, deliver a healthy baby and build a family. I'm so over this ttc phase. I just want past it. I want to move on. I want to have my babies and enjoy with all that comes with it. I know it's not all glamorous and I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I want all the crap that comes with the magic of parenting. I want it all. Is that too much to ask?