Envy management

In June, Savannah Guthrie on the TODAY show announced she was expecting her second child. I remember the date because later that day I got a call from my nurse telling me I was pregnant for the very first time in my life. Unfortunately, my pregnancy didn't continue past the week. A few days later Dylan Dreyer on the same show announced her pregnancy.

Fast forward to present day. In the interim 6 months, we went through a chemical pregnancy, two biopsies, and another failed transfer ending in the second chemical pregnancy.  Savannah and Dylan continued to show off their growing bumps daily along with web stories and baby-themed segments. Friday was Savannah's last day at work before going on maternity leave. Both she and Dylan are due in December.

Am I jealous? Probably at least a little bit. It seems like these women have it all: great career they enjoy, seemingly breezy fertility, beautiful wardrobes to get them through their changing bodies, and tons of money to support their growing families.

But in reality, I don't know what's going on behind the curtain. Savannah is going to be 45 at the end of the month, her husband is 48. She'll be in parent teacher conferences through her 50s while other parents same age are celebrating college graduations for their kids. So she's a little late to the game. I don't know what she's going through or what kind of struggles she faces. She's paid to paint a happy picture for the public because it sells ratings. Plus at her age I don't think it's far fetched to believe she had some assistance getting pregnant. Maybe if not the first time, possibly the second. I really can't judge, nor do I want to. Dylan talked on the show about how she and her husband talked about actually not wanting kids in the past. Then she turned 34 and changed her mind so they started trying and ta da! I love her personality and sweet demeanor. I'm jealous that it seemed so easy for her to get and stay pregnant but I don't hold it against her. Different people face different challenges. I only bring this up because their pregnancies are so public and I see them daily when I'm getting ready for work. I honestly wish both of them all the best.

I don't feel that just because I'm going through a tough time other people should too. I strongly believe that each person has their challenge. I have mine and I wouldn't want to trade it with anyone else. I just see that the same things we're struggling with are seemingly so easy for others and I pray for assistance with our path.

For the few weeks I was pregnant none of it bothered me. I didn't care seeing people's baby or sonogram pictures on facebook; I didn't mind taking a stroll and seeing people walking with their strollers; it didn't bother me to see baby bumps everywhere. I figured my time was around the corner - only a few short months until that was me too! It's amazing how much your current situation changes your mindset. And in hindsight, it was glorious to feel so content and at peace even with the constant anxiety simmering on the back burner.

To that end, it was part of the reason the last loss was such a big blow. It wasn't only that it didn't work. It was that we were left with no answers. We have no idea what caused the sudden drop in hcg so we basically have no clear idea of how to fix it.

I've been doing a lot of research and I'm finding out more information about lovenox and prednisone. It sounds like the shots are painful and there are precautions one needs to take while on them. It also sounds like they're an expensive option and insurance doesn't necessarily cover this therapy. Obviously if this is the answer then we'll find a way to make it work. Of course. But we don't know if it's the answer.  It gives me hope to read about people's experiences. One person in particular posted, "After multiple miscarriages, I tried lovenox despite not having any diagnosis that would warrant it and it worked."

It's reassuring to see other people overcoming their fertility issues and having healthy babies.  I need to remember that each person's journey is their own and mine will happen the way it's supposed to regardless of what's going on around me.

It might be the extra research, the fact that the toughest part of period from hell is behind us, or that I got out of PJs for the first time since Thursday (not the same ones; I did shower), but I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm hoping bloodwork and results tomorrow can help us close the chapter on this.