FET 4: Beta 4

It's the chemical pregnancy that just won't go away. Hcg level this morning was 5.4. Ugh.

In general I'm a pretty positive person so the depression hanging over me is heavily weighing me down. I want to move past this but it's just too soon. The fact that we can't close the chapter doesn't help. I have to go back on Monday to confirm levels go down to zero.

I've been trying to research things to ask the doctor at the next appointment. So far I'm planning to ask about lovonox and prednisone, though I'm seeing a lot of quite horrible side effects of these. What else? I don't know enough to know what to search for.

Spotting has started. I assume AF is right around the corner. Ibuprofen in large quantities is helping. I took off Friday. It was a really long week trying to keep a brave face at work. I need to be able to cry and grieve and sit with my heating pad and think about all the things that suck about this so that I can get it out of my system and move forward.

I know I'm not ready to give up. It's still fresh and actively happening and I already know that I'm willing to go through it again if it means a chance at success. I fully believe that whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and I need to do my part to get there.

I so appreciate the support we've been getting. It's not so much what people say, it's that they care so much. When they say something like, "I wish there was something I could do," it touches my heart to know how much they are invested in our success. Every voicemail, text message, email, or visit is another tether helping us carry this burden, easing the weight off our shoulders little by little. Even if I didn't respond I got it and appreciated it so much.

Time will help heel these wounds. Faith will strengthen us for next time. Hope will keep us going until it's time for our miracle.