Looking ahead

I was planning to take it easy and be lazy most of the day on Sunday, but after getting the news about our embryos, I needed to move and be productive while I processed. I tackled several projects that I've been avoiding. I started with cleaning the bedrooms and kitchen, doing laundry, and washing floors. Then we moved a bookcase to storage out of the way and cleared off the office desk which hasn't seen a clear surface in an-embarrassingly-long-number-of months.

I also got around to installing a new doorbell. I'm really proud of it!  It required watching a tutorial to figure out how to connect the wiring. The instructions were simple once I got started, but it was out of my comfort zone to drill into the doorframe and figure out wiring to hook up the electricity to install it.  

I rewarded myself with vegging out the rest of the day. We watched a Wanda Sykes special (she's hilarious) and then a documentary about the Nixon presidency. Scary to see so many similarities in the current administration.

Physically I feel great. The bloating is gone and I'm not in any pain. I stopped eating junk and am starting to feel like myself again. I was able to catch up on sleep during the weekend. I'm also more pumped to get this to work. When I was upset at yesterday's news it was also in part "how many times can we go through this" and today it's more of an attitude of "we're doing this as many times as it takes."

I hope it doesn't take too many more and that the next transfer is a sticker. Either it's the weather or the fact that it's Rosh Chodesh Adar, or maybe because my birthday is around the corner, but I'm in a great mood and looking forward to the next step!

IVF 5: Embryos Day 7

They were able to biopsy two of the four that were still being watched. That brings the total number of embryos from this cycle to reach blast stage to 3.

I won't lie, there were tears. I was upset that it was "only" three. I am enormously grateful for these three, but I'm sad for the other four that didn't make it. They weren't bad, they just didn't grow to blast stage in the amount of time given, even though they were given an extra two days to grow.

I went into this cycle dreading it and it's proven to be just as agonizing as anticipated. We have to wait two weeks for the PGD results. We're hoping for the best possible outcome but we're realistic and know each embryo has only a 25% chance of being healthy/transferrable.

Staying positive and hoping for the best.

IVF 5: Embryo watch

This one has been a nailbiter. The waiting rollercoaster continues.

Yesterday was Day 5 and I got the update call early on my way to work that all 7 embryos were still growing. Hurrah! I was told that they were in various stages of growth and that they would be checked again on Day 6, and possibly given an extra day into Day 7. It was a really hectic day getting ready, but we went into Shabbat hopeful and optimistic.

We waited all day to get the results, which came mid-day but I couldn't check my voicemail until after Shabbat. As the sun was setting, we started getting antsy to know what's going on with our embryos. Soon as havdalah was finished I grabbed my phone and put the voicemail message on speaker. The nurse started the message with, "Good news!..." and I got excited, but then she continued and said that one embryo was biopsied today and they are still watching four.

We are grateful for the one that made it. But I know the chances of the embryo being healthy and it worries me. Then again in IVF 2 we sent off 6 embryos to get biopsied and 0 came back healthy, so.... the wait continues.

Waiting for results

Physical recovery is going ok. I've been able to do almost all regular activities, though I'm still very bloated and gassy. I have a 6-month belly, no joke. It's a little disturbing to see in the mirror. And ironic.

My abysmal eating habits this week are likely not helping at all. I've been advised to avoid dairy and eat a lot of green leafy veggies. F that. I'm moody and groggy and I prefer high-sugar carbs instead. I've been waking up exhausted, even though I have been falling asleep early and sleeping through the night. Every morning it's a struggle whether or not to go to work. In the end I always go in because staying at home would end up in flipping impatiently through Netflix while worrying about chores I could be doing instead of wasting time.

I don't remember it being this hard to get through the week in past cycles. Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe I'm getting tired of this shit. All things considered the procedure itself was easy and not any more complicated than previous cycles.

I asked my nurse to book my preferred FET date in the system but she can't put it in until I get my period. I'm not annoyed that we have to wait, but I am concerned that if we wait then it might get taken.

This weather has such an impact on my mood. For some reason when it's nice outside all I can think about is how lucky are those moms who can just take their baby out on a stroll on this beautiful day. Something they probably take completely for granted. When the weather gets like this I can feel myself getting frustrated that we're still no closer. It's such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to trigger my frustrated feelings.

I canceled lunch with a friend today because I just didn't feel like moving. It was hard enough to drag myself out of bed to get ready for work that I couldn't imagine having to also deal with leaving at some point to go out to meet someone in the middle of the day. I probably would have enjoyed it but at the time I made a game time decision.

I hid a few pictures from my fb feed today also. One was a family photo of the mom on the hospital bed with her newborn, her two toddlers, and her husband smiling with the caption "officially party of 5" or something similar. The other was a chubby baby girl with a bow in the grass enjoying the weather and showing off her new tooth in a cheesy grin. I just can't. I need space and time and to be away from that right now. I posted a comment congratulating both on their milestones then turned off notifications and hid the pictures.

I'm anxious about our embryos and am looking forward to the update tomorrow but also worried about it. They gave us an update on day 2 and all of them were still growing. They don't check on day 3 or 4 to give them time to develop. On day 5 they'll check in on them and biopsy the ones that made it to blast but will still give the others a chance to grow another day if it looks like they're still developing. Before they check we still have 7 embryos growing. After they check the news may not be that anymore and I'm scared to hear it. It's Schrodinger's cat scenario all over again. Regardless of what they're able to biopsy (hopefully many!!!) it's the PGD results in two weeks that make the biggest impact and decide the success or failure of this cycle.

These days my inclination is to ignore calls from the clinic. I have a hard time listening to the news in real time.  As though prolonging the time it takes for the news to reach me has any effect on the content whatsoever. I wait for them to leave a voicemail so that I can also replay the info if needed. I've changed my ringtone four times in the last year and I still get uneasy when I hear someone else's phone ring with those old tones. It immediately transports me to the anxious worrying. This cycle my phone was permanently on silent throughout the daytime.

My boss is being annoying, for some reason delaying a raise that was supposed to be in effect on 2/1. She's playing politics with the departments and I hate being stuck in the middle of it. I have a plan and if it comes down to it, I'll implement my plan. I'm not playing games and I'm in no mood for office politics. 

Recovery

Tiramisu

The first time I had an egg retrieval, my family put together a care package with fun socks, nail polish and snacks. It was totally unnecessary but so thoughtful. They made a fuss over me and I appreciated it.

By cycle 5, it's already old news. While I wasn't expecting visitors or a fuss, I was feeling a little sorry for myself that everyone is out enjoying the beautiful weather doing fun family things and I was stuck at home yet again due to this never-ending cycle of treatment. While I was grateful I didn't have to take off any work for it this time, I was also feeling miffed that I had to waste my vacation feeling crappy because of the retrieval. It also wasn't until the late afternoon that anyone checked in via text. I get that not everyone was off work yesterday and obviously I'm not the only thing on their mind, but I was feeling a little forgotten.

Which is why when an amazing angel dropped off flowers and a tiramisu, it completely blew my mind. My sister with the premie baby, who clearly has her plate full and other things to do, took the time to shop for ingredients, make the tiramisu, and deliver it so that I could have a treat. It took away all the feeling-sorrys and forgotten feelings.

My husband has also been wonderful during this recovery time. In general being my go-to guy for things I need, running my heating pad to and from the microwave, and letting me take control of the remote for the most part. On Sunday when we got home from the operating room, he got me my prescription meds, some lunch, and a card, which wasn't just hilarious but also so sweet and had such a thoughtful message in it.

 

IVF 5: Embryo update

Of the 15 eggs retrieved yesterday, 11 were mature, and 7 fertilized.

This ties for lowest amount to fertilize in cycle 2. In that cycle we started out with 7 fertilized eggs after retrieving 12, and only 1 survived to biopsy (which turned out to be non-transferrable after PGD testing). Like I said in an earlier post, I know this is a cycle in a bubble and previous results have no impact at all on what happens now. We're working on staying positive - it is what it is.

Recovery is going well. I'm allowed pain killers every 4-6 hours and was careful about taking them every 5 hours to control the pain throughout the day yesterday. I drank a LOT to the point that I barely ate because there was no room. I was reminded how much it hurts to pee after a retrieval but thankfully that's getting better too the more I drink. I was up at 2:00 AM to pee and stayed up for about 3.5 hours just unable to fall back asleep. I took my pain killer and wasted time online. I stayed away from fertility stuff - I focused on window shopping and browsing Amazon.

I fell asleep again around 6 and slept until 8. I could take my next dose at 8:30 but figured I'll hold off until I need it. So now I have Tylenol and the prescription pain meds on standby for later as needed. So far so good. I remember from previous cycles that I tend to feel better in the morning, over do it, and then crash in the afternoon so I'm trying to rest. I couldn't resist doing the dishes and a load of laundry but other than that I'm hanging out in bed with my heat pad and endless fluids: water, seltzer, ginger ale, gatorade, and the splurge on a cup of coffee this morning.


I called IviGen to update my payment info so that when they get a shipment to biopsy later this week they will be able to process it without delay. I have to also contact my nurse to schedule the FET from the last embryo from our previous cycle and get the financial counselor to start the process with insurance.

I need to remember not to take any of the embryos for granted. As much as I'm being pulled to a disappointed mindset, I have to remember to take it one day at a time and continue to hope for the best. Right now we have 7 embryos growing. To hope they all make it to biopsy day may be unrealistic and we understand that. Even so, we are hoping for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.

IVF 5: Egg retrieval

I decided to do the regular antibiotic (Zithro) instead of the 5-day version. It did cause a little bit of upset stomach but overall I'm glad I had that choice because I didn't want to have to remember to take anything for several days. 

Things went smoothly this morning. Taking Uber was a great idea - there was no issues with traffic or parking. Very glad we didn't need to rely on anyone to give us a ride. 

It was a bit of a controlled chaos when we got there. For some reason there were FETs happening this morning. Usually my clinic has egg retrievals in the morning and transfers in the afternoon, yet there were several couples doing transfers checking in at the same time. Someone explained to us that there were some transfers from yesterday that got delayed and they needed to happen before the retrievals.I didn't quite get the reason why. They forgot to check my husband's ID when he dropped off his contribution and he had to remind them. They took me back about 20 min later than my original check in time. 

We got called back to our cubicle room, separated by curtains from the other cubicles The nurse started taking my vitals, but I asked to use the bathroom first. In the few minutes while I was away the original nurse got called to a transfer and another nurse had taken over. It was fine, but they missed a few things (checking my ID and forgetting my temp). Throughout this whole thing none of it bothered me because they gave me a bracelet with info and kept double checking it with any form or whatever that I needed to sign so I wasn't concerned. Eventually I asked my nurse if they need any of that stuff and she took care of it. I wasn't trying to get anyone in trouble but I didn't want any of this to come back to bite me in the butt later on. The original nurse came back and apologized - she's like I know you guys but I still should've checked. I was so not mad and was totally fine with it. It was cute she felt the need to apologize. I got the IV put in easily and then it was a waiting game. My husband and I kept each other entertained. He had the suggestion to go around to the curtain cubicles and wish everyone good luck which we both found hilarious. My suggestion was to yell out "Room Service" to get the nurse's attention and then ask about the in flight movie options. I'm glad he was with me, and not only because he was my Designated Adult taking me home.

They were running a bit behind schedule and took the person in cubicle 2 at 9:25. I was up next but my appointment was for 9:30 and I was worried about the time -- they make it very clear that trigger needs to be exactly 36 hours before retrieval. So I asked and they said it's fine because they build in a cushion of time. Whether or not that's true, it was the reality of what was happening. I did a final bladder check and got ready to go. They called me back at 9:45. I was back in my cubicle at 10:11. As soon as I was alert I started to cry. I remember this from last time too. I wasn't so much in pain but I was upset. At what? I'm not sure. I assumed it was the pain and asked for medication and an extra heat pad. I wasn't sobbing, my eyes just kept filling up with tears. Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself that we have to go through this again. 

The doc came in to give us the number: 15 eggs. We thanked him and when he left I started a fresh batch of tears. Last time we got 27 eggs. I know that it depends on how many fertilize/grow, etc., but I also know that the more you start off with the better the chances are that there will be some good ones at the end of the very long road with attrition at every step. 

The lady in room 2 on our right got 9 eggs. Lady in room 4 on our left got two eggs, and an additional surprise diagnosis of endometriosis (they originally though it was another follicle and poked it but ended up not being what they thought). We weren't trying to be nosy but it was impossible not to hear the conversation through the mesh curtains. I know we can't compare our journey to anyone else, but it kind of made me realize I can't take my 15 for granted. I wish both those ladies so much luck and success on their journey. 

I didn't sleep well because I was so worried about today. I was worried there would be a complication or for some reason the surgery would get canceled. Anything from my husband not being able to produce a sample or it not being good enough, to getting into an accident on the way to the clinic and missing our appointment, to my blood pressure or weight being astronomical and them canceling the cycle, or something crazy happening during the surgery and having to get further intervention.... I guess now that I type it all out I believe my tears were just relief that it was over. 

I had some ginger ale and water in recovery. My blood pressure was awesome - I'd like to think the exercise I've been doing helped that. I walked in a straight line on the first try and was released to go. Again Uber was awesome and arrived within minutes. When we got home my husband got me settled in bed with drinks and heating pad and went to go pick up my pain meds. He came home with a really funny, thoughtful, sweet card that made me tear up again for different reasons this time.

Regardless of what happens with today's embryos we sill have one in the freezer from the last retrieval. I haven't given up on them, of course not - by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm hoping we'll have some good news throughout the week. But regardless, we're planning to schedule for a transfer in April. It really helps puts things in perspective. 

The weather today is absolutely gorgeous. It's keeping my spirits up and putting my in a great mood. I'm also secretly happy I don't feel any pressure to go out and do something because I'm recovering and it hurts to move around. 

That's my rambling, drug-induced, unedited update. I haven't even reread it so if there are some inconsistencies or  random phrases off the back of the cheerios box inserted throughout, blame the meds #sorrynotsorry

IVF 5: Day 14

By far the most anxiety-filled day yet this cycle. Monitoring went well but the doc couldn't be sure based on follicle sizes whether trigger would be tonight or not. They wanted to wait for blood work results to come in to confirm.

If yes triggering tonight, no problems.

If not triggering tonight, I needed to refill meds and figure something out about getting to monitoring tomorrow morning on Shabbat.

Part of the issues is that the OR schedule doesn't come out until 4PM. So I wouldn't have any info until 90 minutes before Shabbat starts. I asked my nurse to let me know info as soon as she does to give me time to plan - either find someone to give me a ride in the morning or make arrangements to stay in the hotel nearby. Beside that, I didn't want to refill meds unless I knew I'd need them because they were the refrigerated kind that's not refundable. But the local specialty pharmacy closes at 4PM. You see the issue?

Long story short, I couldn't handle the wait any more and I emailed my nurse at 1:00 PM just asking whether or not she had results yet. She said definitely triggering tonight, but I'll get the exact time once the operating room schedule is out after 4:00 PM. Whew! No need for more meds, not need for Shabbat arrangements.

Got the call at 4:04 PM. Trigger is tonight at 9:30 PM and retrieval is on Sunday morning. I got a different antibiotic than last time which gave me stomach issues. The difference is that this one is a 5-day pack and the other one was just two and done the night before. Whatever, I'm ok with it. Ready to get the show on the road!

I'm worried that they may have triggered me early because of my restrictions with Shabbat, even though I never asked for that and have made it clear we're willing to work around it. I know it's all up to Him in the end so even if we don't get a lot of eggs, I'm still hoping it will result in a few good embryos.

Shabbat shalom!

IVF 5: Day 13

No trigger tonight. Monitoring was quick and painless this morning. There are a few follicles ready, especially that giant one that sped up ahead of everyone else, but there's also a crop of smaller ones they're giving a chance to grow. They like seeing the largest one at 20 and the big one is even bigger than that. At about 28 they start to atrophy so they may need to sacrifice it to give the others time to grow.

They couldn't tell me for sure if trigger is Friday but no trigger tonight no Saturday retrieval. After tonight's dose I'm out of meds - no more Menopur or Gonal F. So I'll play it by ear. If I don't get retrieval info tomorrow I'll have to refill meds. More annoying is that if they want to continue stimming past tomorrow then that means I'll likely have to come in on Saturday for bloodwork, so not totally out of the woods with Shabbat conflict just yet.

Next appointment tomorrow morning.

IVF 5: Day 12

How is it already day 12? How is it only day 12?

This seems to be kind of the theme of my life. We've spent so much time and money on fertility treatment so far, and yet we're nowhere closer to the goal. Not just this cycle, but in general. There's such a long wait for everything, and yet so much has happened. Some days seem to last forever and some days go by in a blur. Some days I just want to skip ahead. Skip the pain, skip the anxiety, skip the sadness. Let's skip to the part where I'm due to give birth any day now. But then I think about it some more and know I don't really want that - I want to experience the entire process. Going through every step of the way, hard and difficult as it is, is part of the journey. It's what makes the good parts that much sweeter.

Many women express guilt once they've reached the other side - once they've gotten pregnant; once they've had a healthy baby. I understand that. It's also really scary to cross over to the P side (pregnancy/parenting). Those are real challenges with scary new things happening. It's hard to realize you're stuck in a phase many people have gotten past a while back. People who started struggling at the same time as us are now celebrating birthday parties and expecting their second. Or people who have moved past this entire phase and are now looking into preschools and posting toddler tantrums. It's hard to realize they've moved an entire lifetime ahead of you, dealing with challenges that come with raising kids that you're not even aware of.

Last time I was pregnant I was really scared. I know my fertility world and what to expect -- the appointments, the process, the medication, the procedures. The pregnancy world? Not at all. What's normal? What's not? How many appointments are there? What happens next? Labor, delivery, body changes -- all those things are scary. And exciting. But while I'm doing my best to get to that point, I can't deny that it will be scary once I'm there.  

I've been having anxious thoughts about illness and death - I think in part because of all the meds I've been taking. Note to anyone new in fertility, just throw those little information packets that come with the meds out in the trash. No need to read anything on there... I knew all the info from previous cycles but I was looking through them to see side effects because of the itchiness, and just the slew of issues that can come up from these meds are terrifying. The big C is huge concern, not just now but forever. I've also been overanalyzing everything about my husband and getting on his case to take care of himself because any time I think about anything happening to him I start to cry. It's obviously not healthy to dwell on these thoughts obsessively and I know these anxieties are hyped up in my mind because of the meds I'm on. Everyone has these thoughts once in a while but I know for myself they become more pronounced when I'm hormonal.

I bought a topical analgesic by Benadryl and threw away the info packets on the meds. New itchy dots pop up daily but the dots that started up earlier in the week are getting better so I'm hoping that as soon as I'm done with these extra hormones they will all go away for good.

I've been coming home from work exhausted these past few days. I find myself falling asleep by 9:15 PM and then I'm up by 5 and still tired. By 1:30 PM I'm yawning at my desk. I pick up a second wind around 4 PM and by 9 I'm completely wiped. Even so, I've been trying to put in the effort to get a decent dinner together so we avoid eating junk.

I started this post thinking I have nothing to write but wanting to vent some thoughts. I guess I got them mostly out because now I feel better. Gearing up with my water jug in prep for tomorrow's bloodwork appointment.

IVF 5: Day 11

Starting to really feel my ovaries. I have that special extra swollen feeling. I try to relieve my bladder more often to release some space and give the follies some elbow room to grow.

Today's appointment went well. There was a longer than usual wait. I got there 15 min before my appointment and waited half an hour before being called back for blood, so technically 15 min late. Then I waited another 20 min for the ultrasound. There's one follicle growing a bit faster than the others. They're going to give the others a chance to catch up. Next appointment is on Thursday, which makes me think there's no way trigger will be that night, but maybe I'm wrong? I refilled my meds just in case.

I've broken out in itchy spots all over. At first I was alarmed, thinking it might be bug bites (bed bug nightmare??) but I checked the mattresses and changed the sheets and they were all clear. I also googled what bed bugs bites look like and mine weren't at all like that. I thought back to when it started which was Sunday, same day I started the cetrotide. I asked the doc this morning and she said it was a common side effect of the med. Oh, good to know. Meanwhile everything is SO itchy. I have spots on my arms and legs, on my back. Definitely at the injection sites. Even the roof of my mouth is itchy and my scalp. What gives?? This needs to go away!

IVF 5: Day 9

Monitoring went surprisingly well this morning. There's usually a long wait time at weekend appointments since this is the clinic for the other branches that are closed over the weekend. I was prepared to hunker down for the long haul, but this morning they had adequate staff for the overflow of patients and things were moving smoothly.

My 7:45 AM appointment got called back for blood after a few minutes wait - only one stick. She was weekend staff and didn't know me but followed directions to the one vein and got it working immediately. I was back in the waiting room at 7:55 AM to wait for the ultrasound. I got called back and at 8:10 AM the ultrasound tech came in, followed a few min by the doctor in charge. There was a little hiccup when the inexperienced tech pushed a little too hard, and then again when switching from right to left ovary. I jumped at the pain and she apologized, but overall it was fine.

They measured the lining at 10.3 which is great but we're not doing a transfer so a little pointless. They counted the largest follicle at 13.5 so we're moving along, with 14 follicles counted. I've already learned that just because they retrieve a lot of eggs doesn't mean they're all going to become embryos. In the past I've had 11-12 mature eggs regardless of how many eggs were retrieved (max was 27 in cycle 4).

More importantly, I've been trying to figure out when trigger will be in case we have another Saturday retrieval. Based on info from the past cycles, retrieval will be either on day 13 or day 14 (I've had two of each), which puts retrieval at Saturday or Sunday.

I have enough Menopur to last through Monday. Even though I have refills at Freedom, I asked my nurse to call in the prescription at the local specialty pharmacy. Freedom is annoying to deal with and you can't send back returns. Blood work results came in this afternoon and I need to start the third shot tonight, cetrotide. That one burns but at least that means progress.

My husband and I had a conversation about goals. Apparently, there's a statistic that if you write down your goals, there's an 80% chance that you'll accomplish them. Only about 2% of people actually write down their goals. I don't know the source for those stats, they were presented at a meeting last week and sounded true. So we decided to write down our goals for the week. He has his and I have mine. Mine is to research itinerary and fun things to do in Boston for a possible trip in March. It's no Israel or Miami, but hopefully it will still be fun. If nothing else it will be a nice change of scenery and a new place to explore.

IVF 5: Day 7

Monitoring went well today. It was really busy in the office but not crazy wait times considering the crowd - done under 30 minutes. It was the fast doc again today which helped keep the queue going. They counted 10 small on the right and 7 small on the left. Only 1 stick for blood - hooray! Next appointment is on Sunday.

This morning I was up at 4:40AM. I'm a pretty good sleeper in general but this morning I had a lot of needs: I had to blow my nose, I had to go to the bathroom, I had to fix my hair. I just wasn't comfortable. I tried to fall asleep for 45 min but it was a no go and I was up for the day by 5:30.

I remember this insomnia from previous cycles. At first I thought it was just my cold or anxiety about the cycle, but I'm not feeling anxious. It's also annoying to feel exhausted and wide awake at the same time. When I'm tired like this I also get the weird feeling like my eyeballs are too big for their sockets. I'm definitely noticing a pattern I only get around cycles. Other symptoms include bloating (starting to get that grapefruit-sized ovary feeling) and headache - I think that's also because of my cold. The sinus pressure/headache gets really painful at times but I'm hoping that will go away as my cold gets better.

Making the most of the time while I was up, I started cooking for Shabbat and got a few things done before I had to shower and leave for the morning appointment. I made challah, stew, sesame noodles, and chicken with dried fruit in honor of Tu B'shvat. After work I made salads and dessert.

To all those who have things going on today: transfers, biopsies or procedures, good luck - I'm thinking of you. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

 Shabbat shalom and happy Tu B'Shvat :)

Stuff

I'm in the middle of a book called "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things" by Randy O. Frost & Gail Steketee which is a really interesting read. I'm personally a big fan of decluttering and not holding on to stuff I no longer use. There's no reason something should take up space in my house if someone else can benefit from it. But unrelated to me, it's interesting to learn about other people's connection to things and their inability to part with them.

I'm constantly thinking about upgrading our furniture, renovating the house, updating our appliances, or buying a better car but I hesitate to pull the trigger on big-purchase items. In the world of fertility treatment you never know when you'll need extra cash. So while it would be nice to have shiny new things, we don't need them so I pull back from actually spending the money. I still find it fun to search online for things I like, putting them in a cart, and then walking away. I find that my taste also changes over time, so sometimes I go back to the cart months later and I'm glad I didn't get them. I'm very aware of living within our means.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out how to renovate our bedroom furniture for less than $1,000. I want new furniture, maybe some hooks, and new sheets/blankets. Also we only have a clock on the wall so maybe some art. It's the dressers and nightstand that's taking up a lot of time searching. I can't find one I like that fits in the budget. Either it's beautiful and expensive, or affordable and crap. So the search continues.

I've also really relaxed my specifications for a car. My requirements are now: reliable, seat warmers, big trunk, and a hook for dry cleaning. If a car has that, I'm good. I don't care about brand, size, color, speed, look - none of it matters. I hope we get a second car by spring.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like if we sold the house and bought a condo. We'd pay off all our loans and live debt free. We'd have less space, but that's the point of living minimally. But I like my house and it's supposedly an investment that gains value over time so instead of having liquid assets, it's all in the house. I'd rather pay off my mortgage and stay here rather than go to a condo, even if living debt free is enticing.

Just some thoughts while reading this book.

IVF 5: Day 4

I had the first monitoring appointment this morning. I got there on time but there was still a bit of a wait. My appointment was for 7:45 AM and I was back in the car by 8:30 AM.  Two sticks for blood. I kind of knew there would be an issue - there's a certain medical assistant who is very cautious and slow. I kept hoping I'd get the other person but of course I got the slow one and she couldn't feel any veins. She ended up tagging out when the first stick didn't work and letting the other person do it, so I only got stuck twice.

In the meantime while this was going on, I was moving up the queue for the ultrasound so as soon as I was done with blood work I had a pretty short wait for the ultrasound. They counted 8 on the right and 4 on the left. I didn't track this from previous cycles, and I don't remember what they counted at baseline, so I have nothing to compare it to. I already know not to get attached to any particular numbers. It can all change, so we'll see what happens.

I'm feeling ok. Slightly bloated, but I think it's because I've been lax on my good eating habit so I've started back on that and hopefully it will help.

I had a conversation at work today that I didn't like. Coworker A told me that coworker B thinks I'm mad at her. I'm not mad at coworker B, and I don't like that she thinks I am. I do I have a hard time talking to her. Every conversation with her gets usurped and she ends up talking about her kids. No matter what we're talking about, or who is talking, she makes a comment about or compares the situation to something with her kids. It's not a quick story, either. It's usually long and boring and irrelevant to whatever we're talking about. I don't have patience. I didn't want to be rude so I thought by avoiding these chatty conversations I can avoid hearing her stories. I don't avoid her, I just stopped chatting about non-work stuff. She also has a tendency to ask personal questions and sometimes I just don't feel like going into personal stuff. For example, she's been asking me about my premie niece. When she asks I usually say, "Good, thanks" with a smile. I don't want to go into the latest scare or setback, especially at work. I know she's asking from a good place - she cares. And she probably has personal stories she wants to share about a similar topic. But in all seriousness, I do need to be careful. There's a fine line between being uninterested and being rude. I don't want to be rude, and I definitely don't want to make someone think I'm mad at them. So I need to work on that, but I'm not sure how.

Also, I'm not a sports person by any stretch. But why would someone steal Tom Brady's jersey?? C'mon, that's not cool.

IVF thoughts

Thursday evening was really tough for me. I was feeling all the sads. I had a rough day, noticing triggers and feeling sensitive about my lack of progeny but I held it together until the evening.

For example, at one point during the day my boss turns to me and asks, "Hey how old are your kids now?"  It's such a given that someone like me at my age would have kids. I seem the type to have kids. And it's unlike my boss to forget something like that, but it happened.

It wasn't just that. I was at a Lunch and Learn that afternoon and introduced myself to the person sitting next to me. She said she signed up for this to "get out of the office and maybe be inspired for baby names." Wth? Out of 40 people, I happen to be next to the person who is expecting. I wasn't sure I heard right and didn't want to assume, so I didn't mention it. I also didn't have it in me to feign interest in this stranger's pregnancy, even though she was clearly interested in talking about it.

There were little things like that all day. In the evening I was upset that we can't make the Israel trip work. Beside for not having the days off, we just don't have the chunk of overlapping time off work to make it happen this year. It was the last straw and I just broke down in sobs. In part for feeling stuck in this phase. In part because I'm hormonal again. In part because I'm scared for this cycle. In part because I'm sick of wanting something so badly and continuously putting my heart on the line only to have it crushed time and again.

All I want is a normal vacation. I want to have time to relax and time to see new things. I don't want to blow thousands of dollars on a whirlwind trip I won't have time to enjoy. But the other places I want to go (i.e., that have a beach and warm weather) are off limits because of effing zika. If I travel to Florida, my clinic requires waiting 8 weeks prior to attempting pregnancy. If I find a tier C location I want to go to, we'd be using up vacation days that can't use later in case we can make an overseas trip work in the summer. But we can't plan for the summer because we don't know what will be treatment-wise.

It's frustrating not to be able to plan. It's frustrating that our personalities or jobs (read: his) don't allow for spontaneous travel. I can usually keep my emotions in check but I think my hormones are playing a big part in this mess. I was going from feeling sad to giddy in seconds. One second freezing but then I'd turn on my space heater and start to sweat. My mind was foggy and I couldn't focus.

For anyone who has gone through multiple cycles before success, it's a mixed bag of feelings going in to a new cycle. On one hand, you have the history of the previously failed cycles weighing heavily on your shoulders: the memories of anxiety waiting for results, the rush getting to appointments in the mornings multiple times a week, fighting traffic and worrying about being pushed to the back of the queue if you're late, the bloating and discomfort, the pain of the retrieval and recovery, and the highs and lows of embryo reports leading up to biopsy day.

On the other hand, it's a cycle in a bubble. In other words, past success or failure has no bearing on the results of this cycle, which means that there is fresh hope. There's also the experience under your belt, so you know how to mix meds and injections aren't daunting. You know to log your shots so you don't lose track of inventory. You know to drink water before bloodwork, not only the day of but the night before, to help prevent "flat" veins. You know to keep a spare pair of socks in your purse because it can get chilly in the room waiting for the ultrasound. You know to prepare meals for day of and day after retrieval because you'll likely not feel like doing much those days. You know to prepare soup and gatorade for the day and day after. You know to expect mood swings and not to freak out when they happen. I'm sure there are more that I'm forgetting.

At the end of the day it's a stressful several weeks but over quickly, hopefully. The two weeks of shots, followed by a stressful week of embryo growth and updates, followed by anxiety for two weeks waiting for PGD results.

If one day I'm lucky enough to become a mother I'll know all these sacrifices were worth it. I know that there's no way I'd trade a vacation over treatment so at the end of the day I am doing what I want; I just can't have it all right now. One day, maybe.

Israel

I really miss Israel. It started a few months ago when my cousin was getting married and I thought maybe we can go for the wedding. But at the time we were about to do a transfer and didn't want to commit. The wedding was also early December, a busy time of year right before the holidays and winter break. It was an expensive and inconvenient time. So her wedding came and went. Our pregnancy didn't take. And I still miss Israel.

We recently watched the show Fauda on Netflix (HIGHLY recommend) and it made me miss Israel even more. The entire show is in subtitles, which is annoying when you also want to play on your phone at the same time, but it does make you pay attention. I'm fluent in Hebrew but I needed the subtitles for the Arabic. I love Israelis, I love the humor, I love the traditions. I just miss everything I know about it. The last time we were in Israel was December 2006.

The trip is expensive and far away. We would need a chunk of time off work to make it worth the travel time. It's a 12 hour flight and you lose 7 hours because of the time difference so you need 2 days to travel there. Travel back is not as big a deal because you gain your 7 hours back. Which means that 3 days is just for traveling, before you even see or do anything.

Ideally, we'd fly on a Sunday and come back the following Thursday. I think that's enough time to make it worth it, with the ability to recover (i.e., sleep off the jet-lag and unpack and do laundry) over the weekend before going back to work on Monday.

If it's going to happen, it needs to happen soon. I'm hoping for a potential April transfer and I hope it sticks. Even if I don't get pregnant, my busy season ramps up at work and I can't leave work until after mid-June. If transfer does stick, I'd rather not fly pregnant if I can avoid it. Purim is on 3/12 and after that it's time for Pesach preps and likely pre-FET checkups.... so first week of March? How awesome if we can go for my birthday?

Here's a list of reasons why it can't happen:

- My husband doesn't have the time off work
- Cost
- It's too short a time to plan

Here are my own arguments against the reasons why it can't happen:

- My husband has a specific number of paid days off work. He uses almost 90% of them for Jewish holidays. It's worth asking about working a few hours a week extra to make up for those days in advance and/or afterwards so that he can take a few extra days off. I'm sure others have worked something out. If nothing else, it may be worth it for him to take unpaid days for a vacation, since we haven't had a vacation in a long time. It would probably be about 6 business days above and beyond what he already has. This is in addition to the sick days we're hoarding for IVF/FET treatments where he needs or wants to be present.

- Cost: I've been saving for our 10th anniversary for nearly 4 years. The sole purpose of this fund is for an experience/trip. The original idea was to do a Greece/Israel combo but my husband has since lost interest in Greece. Our anniversary is coming up in June. Is this not the best time for a trip, or what??

- It's too short a time to plan? Maybe. But we know what we want and we just need to get our act together to make it happen. It's the age of the internet - we can book flights and hotels. The only other thing is to set itineraries to make the most of the trip and make sure our phones have international plans. It's definitely doable to plan it out.

We can technically travel in June if the April transfer doesn't work. It's an option. But I feel like it's a negative option though. Why push it off? I want to live my life now. Who knows what the future holds or where we'll be in June. The question is whether I can convince my husband. We are not spontaneous people. We rarely travel. We love our house and like to stay near it at all times. We are a Netflix+snacks kind of people, not the kind of people who do international travel and have fun thousands of miles away. Even so. I really hope we can make it happen.

IVF 5: Baseline

It's a go!

I got my email reminder from the financial counselor yesterday and paperwork was straightened out at check in. I waited about two minutes for bloodwork. Weigh in went well! I was being a little ridiculous worrying myself sick about it - to the point that I purposely chose a short sleeve shirt and left my watch in my purse "just in case." I was way under any kind of limit.

Bloodwork took two sticks. I feel like I should get a tiny x tattoo right where the vein cooperates.

Very shortly after I got called back for the ultrasound. Usually this is a huge time suck - I've waited for 20-40 minutes at some past appointments. It was the fast doctor today so I was out of there in less than 5 minutes. Results came in around noon with the all clear and dosage amounts.

Really breezy appointment overall. Shots start Saturday night and my next monitoring appointment is on Tuesday.

In unrelated news, I had a meeting with my supervisor about my salary and responsibilities. It was a really positive conversation and I'm on track for a raise and title change in the next contract year.

In addition, I got a bug in my mind about a trip to Israel. I'll elaborate more in another post. There's a short window of available time between the IVF and FET and if at all possible I'd love to squeeze a trip there. It depends on a few factors so we'll see.