IVF 5: Day 12

How is it already day 12? How is it only day 12?

This seems to be kind of the theme of my life. We've spent so much time and money on fertility treatment so far, and yet we're nowhere closer to the goal. Not just this cycle, but in general. There's such a long wait for everything, and yet so much has happened. Some days seem to last forever and some days go by in a blur. Some days I just want to skip ahead. Skip the pain, skip the anxiety, skip the sadness. Let's skip to the part where I'm due to give birth any day now. But then I think about it some more and know I don't really want that - I want to experience the entire process. Going through every step of the way, hard and difficult as it is, is part of the journey. It's what makes the good parts that much sweeter.

Many women express guilt once they've reached the other side - once they've gotten pregnant; once they've had a healthy baby. I understand that. It's also really scary to cross over to the P side (pregnancy/parenting). Those are real challenges with scary new things happening. It's hard to realize you're stuck in a phase many people have gotten past a while back. People who started struggling at the same time as us are now celebrating birthday parties and expecting their second. Or people who have moved past this entire phase and are now looking into preschools and posting toddler tantrums. It's hard to realize they've moved an entire lifetime ahead of you, dealing with challenges that come with raising kids that you're not even aware of.

Last time I was pregnant I was really scared. I know my fertility world and what to expect -- the appointments, the process, the medication, the procedures. The pregnancy world? Not at all. What's normal? What's not? How many appointments are there? What happens next? Labor, delivery, body changes -- all those things are scary. And exciting. But while I'm doing my best to get to that point, I can't deny that it will be scary once I'm there.  

I've been having anxious thoughts about illness and death - I think in part because of all the meds I've been taking. Note to anyone new in fertility, just throw those little information packets that come with the meds out in the trash. No need to read anything on there... I knew all the info from previous cycles but I was looking through them to see side effects because of the itchiness, and just the slew of issues that can come up from these meds are terrifying. The big C is huge concern, not just now but forever. I've also been overanalyzing everything about my husband and getting on his case to take care of himself because any time I think about anything happening to him I start to cry. It's obviously not healthy to dwell on these thoughts obsessively and I know these anxieties are hyped up in my mind because of the meds I'm on. Everyone has these thoughts once in a while but I know for myself they become more pronounced when I'm hormonal.

I bought a topical analgesic by Benadryl and threw away the info packets on the meds. New itchy dots pop up daily but the dots that started up earlier in the week are getting better so I'm hoping that as soon as I'm done with these extra hormones they will all go away for good.

I've been coming home from work exhausted these past few days. I find myself falling asleep by 9:15 PM and then I'm up by 5 and still tired. By 1:30 PM I'm yawning at my desk. I pick up a second wind around 4 PM and by 9 I'm completely wiped. Even so, I've been trying to put in the effort to get a decent dinner together so we avoid eating junk.

I started this post thinking I have nothing to write but wanting to vent some thoughts. I guess I got them mostly out because now I feel better. Gearing up with my water jug in prep for tomorrow's bloodwork appointment.