IVF thoughts

Thursday evening was really tough for me. I was feeling all the sads. I had a rough day, noticing triggers and feeling sensitive about my lack of progeny but I held it together until the evening.

For example, at one point during the day my boss turns to me and asks, "Hey how old are your kids now?"  It's such a given that someone like me at my age would have kids. I seem the type to have kids. And it's unlike my boss to forget something like that, but it happened.

It wasn't just that. I was at a Lunch and Learn that afternoon and introduced myself to the person sitting next to me. She said she signed up for this to "get out of the office and maybe be inspired for baby names." Wth? Out of 40 people, I happen to be next to the person who is expecting. I wasn't sure I heard right and didn't want to assume, so I didn't mention it. I also didn't have it in me to feign interest in this stranger's pregnancy, even though she was clearly interested in talking about it.

There were little things like that all day. In the evening I was upset that we can't make the Israel trip work. Beside for not having the days off, we just don't have the chunk of overlapping time off work to make it happen this year. It was the last straw and I just broke down in sobs. In part for feeling stuck in this phase. In part because I'm hormonal again. In part because I'm scared for this cycle. In part because I'm sick of wanting something so badly and continuously putting my heart on the line only to have it crushed time and again.

All I want is a normal vacation. I want to have time to relax and time to see new things. I don't want to blow thousands of dollars on a whirlwind trip I won't have time to enjoy. But the other places I want to go (i.e., that have a beach and warm weather) are off limits because of effing zika. If I travel to Florida, my clinic requires waiting 8 weeks prior to attempting pregnancy. If I find a tier C location I want to go to, we'd be using up vacation days that can't use later in case we can make an overseas trip work in the summer. But we can't plan for the summer because we don't know what will be treatment-wise.

It's frustrating not to be able to plan. It's frustrating that our personalities or jobs (read: his) don't allow for spontaneous travel. I can usually keep my emotions in check but I think my hormones are playing a big part in this mess. I was going from feeling sad to giddy in seconds. One second freezing but then I'd turn on my space heater and start to sweat. My mind was foggy and I couldn't focus.

For anyone who has gone through multiple cycles before success, it's a mixed bag of feelings going in to a new cycle. On one hand, you have the history of the previously failed cycles weighing heavily on your shoulders: the memories of anxiety waiting for results, the rush getting to appointments in the mornings multiple times a week, fighting traffic and worrying about being pushed to the back of the queue if you're late, the bloating and discomfort, the pain of the retrieval and recovery, and the highs and lows of embryo reports leading up to biopsy day.

On the other hand, it's a cycle in a bubble. In other words, past success or failure has no bearing on the results of this cycle, which means that there is fresh hope. There's also the experience under your belt, so you know how to mix meds and injections aren't daunting. You know to log your shots so you don't lose track of inventory. You know to drink water before bloodwork, not only the day of but the night before, to help prevent "flat" veins. You know to keep a spare pair of socks in your purse because it can get chilly in the room waiting for the ultrasound. You know to prepare meals for day of and day after retrieval because you'll likely not feel like doing much those days. You know to prepare soup and gatorade for the day and day after. You know to expect mood swings and not to freak out when they happen. I'm sure there are more that I'm forgetting.

At the end of the day it's a stressful several weeks but over quickly, hopefully. The two weeks of shots, followed by a stressful week of embryo growth and updates, followed by anxiety for two weeks waiting for PGD results.

If one day I'm lucky enough to become a mother I'll know all these sacrifices were worth it. I know that there's no way I'd trade a vacation over treatment so at the end of the day I am doing what I want; I just can't have it all right now. One day, maybe.