One year ago

Last year on June 20 marks the first time our fertility treatment took an encouraging turn: it was our third transfer and the first time we got a positive beta. We were ecstatic yet cautious because beta was only in low sixties. We believed it would work because it was the first that stuck. Unfortunately, it was the first of three miscarriages. The second beta a few days later showed that the numbers had gone down and instead of a pregnancy we spent the summer doing injections for two consecutive ERA biopsies.

In November, we were encouraged again with our fourth transfer when our beta came back in the four hundreds. Wow! We continued to hope as the numbers more than doubled at second beta. Then the rug got pulled from under us when I started spotting and the third beta came back in the 20s. It was discouraging and disheartening. I'm not sure how we went on but somehow we got through it as we processed our feelings through a second chemical pregnancy.

Then we started IVF 5, followed by FET 5. This time it really stuck. We had great numbers. Numbers doubled and got so high we were told to schedule an OB ultrasound. We got past the first ultrasound with no issues at all. We were nearly 8 weeks along and thought this was actually the real thing. And then there was the second ultrasound. The day started with excitement and ended in utter devastation. The following week included a D&C to remove the "product of conception" and four weeks after that brings us to present day.

One year.  It's been a rough year. A really, really tough year.

Each try brings us a little bit further along only to end in disappointment. It's really hard to keep going through the bogus successes. Each time we get good news I worry about when the disaster will strike. It's dreadful.

Pregnancy loss is truly horrible. Part of it is wanting something so badly, and admitting that you want it by pursuing it with all your heart, body, soul, and bank account, and then failing. Part of it is not only the failure of what is (treatment) but also the failure of what could have been (child). Part of it is feeling older every time there's a failure and feeling the biological clock ticking, no matter what age you're at. Part of it is the mental anguish of putting faith and hope in a system that has really sucky odds, with more losses than wins.

I'm learning that it takes more than just moving on logically and physically to be able to try again. I learned that I need to be able to visualize us being successful in order to be able to start up everything again. Each step individually is no big deal: coordinating the meds; figuring out insurance and payments; starting injections; going in daily for monitoring; the daily wait for results; egg retrieval anxiety and recovery; embryo progress reports; genetic test results. The big deal is all of it together all at once in the time span of only a few weeks while being hormonal and emotionally invested. It's more than wanting to build a family; it's also wanting to not feel stuck in an awful chapter of your life playing in repeat.

I  was always led to believe that I am capable of achieving anything I put my mind to, but that doesn't account for being unable to solve problems beyond our control. I'm not ready to stop trying but I'm also not ready to start again. Beside for worrying about when my period comes so we can try again, I worry that my body will be ready before my mind. I'm not going to rush it though. I know going in that there's a very real chance the next try may also not succeed and I need to be ok enough to handle that.

I used to completely believe that if we try enough times we will be successful. But with every loss I grow more cynical. I fear that one day I won't be able to believe that anymore. I stress about being able to continue affording treatment. I dread what this is doing to my body long term. I panic when I think about everything we've gone through and second guess every decision that led to this point. I'm scared that we may one day have to face a reality that it's just not working. It's what keeps me up at night. It's what makes me panic. It's what keeps me from believing that there's a path to building our family because today I just can't see it.

D&C

I woke up crying this morning. Our appointment was scheduled for 9 AM arrival. I cried while getting ready. I cried on the way there. I cried in the waiting room. It was the same location as all of our egg retrievals so the nurses knew us and my own doctor was on rotation. We spoke a bit. Got the IV started (2 sticks), signed a bunch of paperwork, and waited for our turn. Cried the whole time.

I asked the doctor if they can do an ultrasound before they start. He said they do but that the patient is usually out by then. I asked to be awake for that part. He said he doesn't mind but that I will be exposed from the waist down, which may be uncomfortable, and then jokingly asked if I don't trust him -- I think he wanted to protect me from false hope. I said I know that we're not going to see anything new but that I needed the closure. I didn't want to wake up one day thinking "what if."

When my turn came up, I was walked to the OR and got settled on the table. The medical staff was setting up: adjusting my legs and arms, covering my legs in blankets, adding medicine to the IV, etc. I guess they always do this part but I'm usually out by then. The doctor did the ultrasound and explained all the parts while the nurse pointed out what he was saying on the screen. Before he gave the signal to knock me out, he made sure I had no other questions and was ready to start. They were really great - I appreciated that they took the time to do that.

In past egg retrievals my first memory is being back in recovery with my husband there. Today my first memory is being woken up in the OR to the anesthesiologist saying, "you're all done, time to scootch" and three or four nurses and medical people helped me move from the surgery table to the gurney. I woke up again in recovery where I cried some more.

The recovery nurse asked if I want a drink or snack. I couldn't decide what I want so my husband asked for water and ginger ale. She also gave me pain medicine. When I stopped crying my blood pressure went down. For the first time in three months I realized I wasn't nauseous. Silver lining. A little later I was released to go home.  When I got off the gurney I felt a gush and quickly put a chuck between my legs to catch it all before it made a huge mess. I wasn't in pain it just surprised me.

My husband scheduled to work from home the rest of the day so he could take care of me. He picked up lunch and went to go fill my pain prescription. In a slight hiccup, the date on the rx was tomorrow's date and the pharmacy was saying it's illegal to fill it early. So my husband raised some polite hell and told them to call the clinic to verify. They straightened it out and he was able to get the good drugs. So what if everyone at the pharmacy now knows I had surgery.

After lunch I passed out. I napped for two hours and woke up feeling better. I'm surprised at how different recovery is from an egg retrieval. I'm having some moderate cramping but that's basically it. No bloating, no headache, no gas, no shoulder pain. Physically feeling fine all things considered. I also haven't cried since getting home. Somewhere deep down it feels ok to move on now that it's behind us. I think I was also nervous for a new procedure and worried about all the things that can go wrong.

I have to go back next week for bloodwork to follow up on my hcg levels. This procedure was much more difficult emotionally than physically. Overall feeling ok.

Procedure scheduled

I talked with my doctor about scheduling the D&C for Friday. He said that there's a very slight chance that, depending on how many retrievals are scheduled, I might get bumped to the next day. The next business day is Tuesday. That's just not a risk I'm willing to take and ended up asking to schedule me for whatever is first available.

My nurse was out today so her backup, which I really like, called me. She was the first to ask me how I'm feeling. She explained the procedure and let me know what to expect.

They put me on the schedule for Wednesday morning. I'm worried about how long it will take to get my period back. Weird to worry about wanting a bleed when for so long that's all I prayed I wouldn't see in every bathroom trip. One step at a time; first we need to close the chapter on this.

It hurts me that my husband is sad. Our families are so pained by our grief. I'm numb at this point. I have to be able to push it back to be able to go several hours without crying. I assume I'll be crying a lot on Wednesday when I have whatever we thought was our baby scraped out.

Our embryo went through PGS testing but we're still asking them to test the tissue. Any data we can gather is information we can potentially use in the future. Although I'm not sure what new information they will tell us, considering we transferred a genetically normal embryo, clearly something was wrong and if it's possible to show up via testing we want to know about it.

I'm anxious about the procedure and worried about all the potential complications. I'm worried about recovery. Sad about the whole thing.