Three!!!

Of the seven embryos we sent for testing, there are three healthy embryos. I'm a mix of happiness and anxiety. These three tiny embryos are a scarce and precious resource. Right now we have three opportunities to get pregnant. Logically, I know that they have to be transferred in order to take advantage of that opportunity, but last time we transferred nothing happened and the opportunity was lost along with our hopes and dreams. It happened twice and it was devastating each time.

Three embryos doesn't mean three babies. There are so many things that have to go right for it to work. They have to survive the thaw. They have to stick at the transfer. They have to grow for 9 months. They have to make it through the delivery. Then it's a baby. That's when you know it was a success.

Even so, we're absolutely thrilled that we have three embryos to transfer and we're celebrating the opportunity that lies ahead.

The first IVF cycle we did resulted in two healthy embryos and at the time I completely took it for granted. Of course we have embryos - isn't that what this whole thing is about? Let's stick one in there already so we can move on to #2 faster. Well, neither stuck and we had to start all over. IVF 2... IVF 3... IVF 4...

Here we are, three cycles later and only now do we have something new to transfer. I'm definitely not taking these for granted. I know I'm doing everything to help them stick, but I also know it's ultimately not up to me. I can't blame myself if it doesn't work and I can't take the credit if it does. Each baby is a miracle, even the ones that people get for "free" and don't have to think so much about.

Someone on fb posted this article about why it's ok to be amused at these people's infertility announcements. They are kind of cute: spencerandwhitneyadoption.blogspot.co.uk and someone who has been through the treatment actually understands why it's funny. This couple ended up adopting and they seem very happy. The comments on the fb post from other people who experienced infertility were sad, like the one mom who said that she never got to surprise her husband with the pee stick. Obviously she's happy that she was able to get pregnant via treatment and have healthy babies, but people feel like they're missing out on something.

That used to be my mindset, but I don't think I have the luxury of being miffed at not having a youtube-esque announcement. I'll be happy if and when I get pregnant, overjoyed that it worked and anxious every second that it shouldn't suddenly end unexpectedly.  I know family members are waiting to hear results and part of me really wants to keep this a secret. Just our secret. That's another luxury we don't get. We expect them to be there for us to support during the bad times; it's only fair to share the good news too.

I think that's the rationality behind why I don't like telling anyone that we're trying. Not only because I hate sharing the news that we've failed, but I also don't want to feel obligated to share pregnancy success so early on. Again, may this be my biggest worry.... I hope I get to have a pregnancy announcement to share, regardless of how soon.

Results

Got the results from my mole: looks benign so no further treatment required. Great!

I also got a general voicemail over the holiday from the lab testing the embryo biopsies asking to give them a call. Since I didn't get it until after the holiday was over on Saturday night I can't talk to anyone until they reopen on Monday. My feeling is that they needed authorization to use the credit card on file, which is annoying because I had already given permission previously and had they ran it on Friday instead of getting permission we may already have the results by now. I get why they need authorization and logically I guess I prefer that they don't use my card without asking first, but now I'm anxious to find out results. At least I assume that's why they called.

Pesach is over. All that work and now it's done! Our guests left this morning and the house suddenly feels enormous. I love my house and I enjoyed spending my stay-cation here.

I started looking at options to go for a summer trip this year. In addition, I also started looking at vacation spots for a big trip for our 10th anniversary next summer. We never went on a honeymoon so I'm excited to spend time and energy planning one now.

In addition, I decided I need more hobbies in my life. I made a list of things I should try over the summer: tennis, clay wheel throwing, learn an instrument, yoga, running, camping, writing. I may or may not do all of them, but it's a starting point and I feel the need to stretch past my comfort zone. I asked family members to think about things I can add to my list. Willing to take any and all suggestions under consideration.

Embryo update: Day 6

They were able to biopsy six embryos!  That's a great number so we're very happy. With the one from last cycle, that makes a total of seven going on a trip to Florida for some PGD testing. This ties for largest amount of embryos for a cycle - we had the same amount in cycle 2 but unfortunately the PGD test results indicated that none were healthy that time :(  Hopefully better results this time.

It's almost 5:00 PM and everything is done for Pesach!  Cooked, cleaned, organized, errand-ed(?) and done. I'm glad we got good news right before the holiday. I know it doesn't mean that they're all healthy, or that the healthy ones will stick and become babies... I know this is just one step. But it's a step in the right direction and instead of worrying we're celebrating this mini-milestone.

May we have many more milestones to celebrate soon.  Chag kasher v'sameach!

Embryo Watch: Day 5 update

The nurse tried to keep me posted all day but she wasn't getting much info from the lab. Toward the end of the day we got the news that one embryo was biopsied, two-ish stopped growing, and the rest are at various stages of growth so they will give them a chance to grow one more night. She said her best estimate is that 4 +/- total may be biopsied but she didn't want to lock in a number because there's no way to know which ones will survive til tomorrow.

It's not bad news; it's just not final news so the wait continues. Always waiting.

In other news, I was very productive today while waiting for this update. I made chicken soup, matzah balls, fish, stuffed chicken, roasted chicken, meatballs, two each of zucchini, carrot, and potato kugel, chocolate cake, blondies, mandel bread, potato salad, and cheese souffle. Tomorrow I'll make cheesecake and salads. I'm feeling productive and full from the tastings menu ;)

Embryo Watch: Day 5

We haven't gotten updates yesterday or the day before. They say that they like to give the slow ones a chance before counting them out, and by letting them just be and do their thing even if they don't grow one night, there's a chance they might still develop. Today we find out how many survived to Day 5. If we were doing a fresh transfer, today would be transfer day. Since we're doing PGD, there's a chance they'll give the strong ones an extra day to grow before biopsying them.

If it was even an option, there are pros and cons to having a transfer today: the pros are that it's the first day of spring break and I'd have a week to rest. The drawback is that Pesach is in a day and a half and I'm still preparing - lots of cooking, organizing, last minute errands. Plus, not to mention the four cups of wine on Seder nights, which obviously could be exchanged for grape juice but still.

The bloating and exhaustion have slowly been getting better every day. I'm feeling better, but now I have a cold (or allergies?) and my head feels like a balloon. I feel like I'm doing things in slow motion, which is frustrating since I have a lot t get done and I like working fast and efficiently.

Since we're not doing a fresh transfer, there's time before we do an FET. By my calculations, assuming there's a healthy embryo to transfer at all, I still have to wait at least a week for my period and then three weeks after that on BC pills, per protocol. That's before we even start with the two weeks of pre-FET injections. That gives me about six weeks of waiting. Patience is not one of my strongest points and it frustrates me to no end that it takes so long between procedures. Still, the time will pass and I have a choice as to how to spend it. I decided I will take the six weeks to work on really getting healthy. Work out regularly, cut out unnecessary calories, be careful about the vitamins, etc. That way when an FET does come along, I'll know that I did everything in my power to help it succeed. The time will pass anyway; I may as well make it meaningful.

Right now I'm taking it one day at a time, and today we'll find out if any of the embryos won day 5.

Embryos: Day 2

Eleven embryos made it to today. The loss was expected but still stings. Still, 11 is great and hopefully most of them make it to blast.

Recovery took a different turn today. The smooth coasting I've had until now was no more. I was so bloated. Even though I think I slept well, I was exhausted and distracted. This morning as I was getting ready for work I was feeling ugly and gross. I had to pull myself together to keep from falling apart crying, for no particular reason. I had trouble walking and spent most of the day at my desk.

I was thinking of going home at lunch but ended up powering through. Wednesday is our last day before Pesach break and I have a lot of work to do. At home I cleared out a few cabinets and the freezer and called it a day - that's enough Pesach cleaning for today.

Tomorrow I'm planning to get the dairy and produce, then flipping the kitchen after work. I'm picking up the meat order on Wednesday. The goal is to have everything done by Wed eve so that by Thursday morning I can just start cooking. We'll see how that works out.

No embryo updates until Day 5 so all that's left to do is just to pray they continue growing.

Embryo update

Out of the 27 eggs from yesterday's retrieval, 15 were mature and of those 13 fertilized. So there are now 13 on Embryo Watch 2016. I couldn't help feeling disappointed with that number. I know it's a great number. I know that we are so, so lucky to have gotten this number this far. I'm just worried about having enough make it to blast stage so they can be sent for PGD testing.

In the end I know it doesn't matter because in cycle 2 we had 6 make it to blast and none were healthy to transfer, so logically numbers don't actually mean anything. Still, I was unrealistically expecting something like 18 embryos to make it to this point. That's insane and I recognize that. I also realize that my hormones are completely swinging again and that's contributing to the exaggerated expectations.

Recovery is going really well, considering. Either my body is just used to it by now or I had a super gentle doctor, but I'm feeling so good compared to previous egg retrievals. At one point I told my husband that I'm concerned they lied to me or that I misheard about the number of eggs because it doesn't feel like I was poked that many times. I'm bloated, as expected, but I don't feel the same pain as before. It's possible I'm also a pro at recovery by now: keep hydrated to flush everything out, stay upright for the hours after, keep the heat pack on.

I've been conservative with the pain meds. I just don't feel like I need them, even the Tylenol. It's been such smooth sailing so far that I've literally had to hold myself back from doing things like carrying heavy laundry. I was ready to drive last night and my husband outright refused to "allow" it (tee hee, like he can stop me. I didn't drive because I would have felt guilty if I'd killed someone else, but I felt confident that I could). I'm forcing myself to take it easy today so that I can be more efficient in Pesach preps this week.

Next embryo update tomorrow. I know it's unrealistic to expect all of them to make it, but I still hope they do.

IVF 4: Egg retrieval

I'm so relieved that's behind us. To sum up what I assume is going to be a really long post, IVF 4's egg retrieval resulted in 27 eggs - wow! It's more than double the amount of eggs we had last cycle (12 eggs).

We both went in on Friday morning to sign all the paperwork. Something I forgot to mention in the previous post as part of the "So much news!" was that I told my supervisor about fertility treatment - whaaaaat! I know. Big news for me. I was emotional because I realized it was the end of my compartmentalization between work and home. I had to do it though, because if retrieval would have been on Friday I would have missed a big day at work. She could not have been more lovely about it. If it had to happen, I'm glad it was with this supervisor. So back to Friday, we both went in to the clinic to sign all the paperwork we didn't want to sign on Saturday. I needed to be back at work by 9:30 AM but the doc needed to go over a specific page with us and she was tied up until 9:00 AM. I made it, but it was a close call.

We got to the hotel on Friday evening around 6:30 PM. Because of Shabbat, I reserved two nights at the hotel and figured we'll just stay the second night, may as well. Since the door was activated by an electronic key, we were basically holed up in the room since if we left we'd either need to leave one person behind or have hotel staff help by opening the door for us. It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, but I don't make the rules!

I brought light meals and we had a lovely dinner. I took the antibiotic they had prescribed right around dinner time because I was told it would mess with my stomach less if I took it with food. It was better than last time, but I still had an unhappy tummy. It had been a long day and I was out by 9:30 PM. We got up early on Saturday morning and got ready to walk next door to the clinic. We got there by 9:15 AM, right at our appointment time. Our nurses were great and there were no issues getting vitals or the IV in. Since everything was already signed and done the day before, there was nothing to do but wait for my turn.

We waited in those hospital cubicles, separated by curtains. There were two other people having treatment, with the times staggered depending on when they triggered. We could, of course, hear everything. One patient got the most awful news. She was told that they were unable to get any of the follicles for some reason. The doctor was reassuring her that it wasn't her fault and there was nothing she could have done differently, but that didn't help the sobs coming from this poor woman. She had to go through two weeks of stims, and will have to go through the full recovery of the retrieval but without anything to show for it. I felt so, so bad for her.

When it was my turn, I was taken to the Operating Room and they took my glasses away. I leaned back and was told to take a deep breath... next thing I know I was back in recovery and it was 30 min later. The nurses took great care of me and my husband was there keeping me comfortable and entertained. My eyelids felt like they weighed 1000 lbs each, even though I felt clear headed. The doc came in to tell me the news that they were able to retrieve 27 eggs. It's such an impressive number, but I can't help buy worry about how many are actually mature? How many will fertilize? How many will make it to blast? It's obviously better to start with more, but I know that in the end it really doesn't matter how many you start with but rather what you end up with.

Our hotel stay left much to be desired. I mentioned some of this to the hotel staff when we checked out but not all of it because I didn't want to seem like I was just complaining to get something back (discount, points, etc.) - these were all legit complaints. So here is the full list: For starters, there was noise the entire time. Not just regular noise like plumbing and people walking in the hallway. There were doors slamming all night long. People yelling in the hallways at all hours. We could hear the TV playing next door and the guy peeing upstairs. During the day time, after the procedure, I was trying to nap in the afternoon while housekeeping crew was on our floor. They were shouting at each other for 45 minutes to the point where I got out of bed and asked them very politely if they could keep it down, to which the response was that she spoke no English. Beside all that, there was a loose metal sheet on the pavement right outside our window and traffic kept running over it at all hours. In addition, we had a small fridge in our room that kept ticking and shuttering loudly every time it cycled on. I am sensitive to noise in general, but this was completely over the top.

Beside for the noise, the room felt shabby. The mattresses weren't young. They were soft and were ripped at the seams. The door to the bathroom was warped and swollen to the point that it didn't shut all the way. It had patches of flaked plaster on it. There was an updated TV in the room, but no one had bothered to move the painting behind the TV when it was upgraded to a larger side, so it just looked neglected and out of place. There was also a stale smell in the air without the option to open a window.

The things that bothered me most was the two things I asked for when checking in that was totally within their control. When we checked in and got to our room, I saw there was only one chair near the desk. We were planning to eat our meals in the room, so I called the front desk and requested a second chair - any chair would do, I said even a basic folding chair was fine. Not only did they not bring us a chair at all, but they didn't even bother to let us know that one wasn't coming. They basically completely ignored this request. It wasn't like I was asking for the moon. They have a conference hall with folding chairs on the floor right beneath us, they could have found a spare chair.

The second request was for a specific wake up call. We needed to be at the clinic by 9:15 AM. I knew I would wake up in time but I couldn't just leave it to chance and miss the appointment so I asked for a wake up call at 8:00 AM for them to call, let it ring twice, and hang up. They asked if I want a second courtesy call (snoozer?) and I said specifically that I do not want any calls other than the original one because I will not be answering the phone. Of course I'm up by 6:00 AM this morning and there was no reason for the call at all. As expected the wake up call comes at 8:00 AM and rings for 5 times. A few too many, I think, but ok. Five minutes later they call again. At 8:10 AM they call a third time and I'm starting to get really annoyed. We're not answering the phone because it's shabbat, and either this is a persistent employee or an automated system. When it rings again at 8:15 AM and then again at 8:18 AM I've had enough and make my way down the stairs to the front desk. I tell the lady there that we asked for only one ring but that the phone hasn't stopped since 8:00 AM. She asked if we tried unplugging the phone. That's not the point, lady!!! Tell your people to stop calling! I go back to the room and it's finally quiet..... until 8:45 AM at which point the phone rings again. The message button lights up and the ringing stops. After shabbat I checked our messages and it was from a lady in Guest Services saying she doesn't want us to be late to whereever we are.

The mistake was the miscommunication from the person at the front who took the message to give us a wakeup call without letting them know the specific instructions, but there was also an error on the employee's part that she didn't bother checking with anyone before calling 6 times! It's not even like this was a Motel 8 where these things were to be expected. This was a four start Sheraton hotel in a ritzy neighborhood for several hundred dollars a night. It was unacceptable and we decided to check out early. Even though we had the room until tomorrow at noon, we checked out as soon as Shabbat was over and hauled ass out of there. I am not ungrateful that it was there when we needed it. But for the amount of money we spent on the accommodations you'd think they'd put in a little extra effort.

Staying in hotels really makes me appreciate my house more. It's also the reason I prefer to use HomeAway when traveling. The conditions are always so much better than hotels.

So that was our stay. The clinic was great about the whole shabbat thing and really made us as comfortable as possible. We even had a nurse escort us back to our room so we didn't have to worry about electronic doors or eruv. Now we wait to hear about fertilization progress over the next few days. 

IVF 4: Day 14

So much news!

I have been in the clinic nearly every day this week. Everything progressed as expected. On Wednesday a miracle happened and I was in and out of the clinic within 14 minutes. I came in for a 7:45 AM appointment and by 8:00 AM I was already back in my car. That was the first and only time that has ever happened! The prior record was 36 minutes which at the time I thought was thrilling. At the Wednesday appointment they said things look good but that I need one more day, which meant no trigger that night, which meant no Friday retrieval.

This morning I came in and they said things look ready but they need to wait for the bloodwork to confirm. I was told there is "a lot of activity" and just by looking at the follicles they were unsure that I had the right trigger. I learned today that if your estrodial is over 3000 it indicates a chance for over 20 mature follicles and therefore they trigger with Lupron instead of HCG. They said for sure trigger is tonight but they will let me know which trigger to use, depending on bloodwork. I got a prescription for the Lupron and filled it just in case.

I got the call and my E = 2785 so triggering tonight with HCG. Trigger tonight means a Saturday morning retrieval. It had to happen at some point. We knew it was a possibility and are prepared for it. I told my nurse what we can and cannot do on Saturday because of Shabbat. To sum it up, basically anything done to me by someone else (blood pressure, IV, etc.) is fine, but I can't do things to break Shabbat (like stepping on the scale to get my weight, or signing forms). I told her we're not bringing anything other than our IDs. They've done this before and they know how to deal with it, but I'm sure they think we're completely bonkers. Whatever, I can't worry about that. We're going in tomorrow morning before work to get all the paperwork signed ahead of time, and I'll get briefed on the anesthesia protocol so that I can sign it.

I reserved the hotel nearby for two nights. Even though we only need it for 24 hours from Fri night to Sat night, checkout is at noon so I got two nights and we'll have the option on Sat night to either stay or go home depending on how I feel.

I requested a fridge for the room but I'm wondering how much food it can actually hold. When we go in tomorrow to sign the paperwork I'll pop into the hotel and ask some questions. I bet they've had religious people stay with them also so they might have some suggestions.

My cleaning help is coming on Sunday morning at 8:00 AM so that will be a big help. I'll plan to hang out somewhere else so that we're not in the way.

I tried to do as many errands for Pesach prep as I can until now, but at this point it's the last minute stuff that will do me in. I can't buy any of the fruits/veg/dairy until next week. I also can't flip my kitchen until the cleaning help is done. I just hope I bounce back quickly from this one because I have stuff to get done.

Regardless, first seder is in a week from tomorrow night. Ready or not, here it comes!

IVF 4: Day 11

Weekend monitoring appointments are usually more involved than regular mornings. I went in on Sunday for a 7:45 AM appointment and got taken back for bloodwork 10 min later. By 7:58 I was back in the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound, just in time to see the opening sequence of the TODAY show. It wasn't until 8:55 AM that I was called back for the ultrasound. I waited in the smaller room for another 20 min before the technician came in.

Not only was the wait long, the appointment sucked too. The weekend staff is different than the regular staff, and everything was worse. I got stuck twice with the needle for blood because she went too high and missed the vein. Once the tech finally came in to do the ultrasound she pushed unnecessarily hard trying to find my right ovary. When she couldn't get it right away she pushed on my pelvis, hard. It was so uncomfortable. I've never had that happen before.

Worse than any of it, I was in a rush to get to my appointment on time so I ran out the door without my phone. That's right; I was stuck in the waiting room for over an hour without my phone. My emotions ranged from mildly annoyed to bored to concerned at what I was missing to panicky. By the time I got home, two hours after leaving, I was sure there was an emergency that I was needed for and was missing because I didn't have my phone. Thankfully, there was not.

I assumed that there would be another appointment this morning but when I got bloodwork results later that day I was told I don't have to come in until Tuesday, so I got a free pass today which was great since I had an early meeting.

As things stand it looks like retrieval might be Thursday or Friday. I was kind of hoping it might be over the weekend since those days are important work-wise. If it does end up on Thursday or Friday I'll have to tell my supervisor what's going on. I don't think I can take off those days without a good reason, and short of calling in with the flu and keeping up with the lies that would bring, I think it's less complicated to just come out with. My husband thinks I should tell anyway, regardless of when the retrieval is, but isn't pressuring me in either direction. I honestly don't have a good reason not to say anything, other than liking the compartmentalization of work and treatment. Since that's not a good enough reason I may have to suck it up and get over it. I'll know more after tomorrow's bloodwork results come in and decide then.

It's not much better if they say retrieval is on Saturday because then we run into Shabbat issues. Even though I was kind of hoping it would happen, I know it would be more complicated. Regardless, the numbers have been running higher this time so I doubt I would need to stim that long. Again, no use in playing the what-if game... we'll probably have more answers tomorrow.

As for symptoms, things have been very mild this time. Maybe I've just gotten used to things, or know what to expect. I've been trying to watch what I eat and walk regularly, so that might be helping also. Other than the swings I've had right at the start, I've been feeling ok emotionally. I'm trying to stay positive and not think about negative what-ifs. I really hope and pray this cycle results in some healthy embryos.

IVF 4: Day 6

This cycle is just swimming along. It's basically happening on its own with very little effort on my part. I remember the first cycle where I'd carefully prepare the medication and triple check everything. The nightly procedure would take 30 min or more, sometimes with me having to start over because I was so nervous. With this cycle, I go through it so quickly, usually with the TV in the background and forgetting it as soon as I log it. In fact, if I didn't write things down I'd likely not remember doing it at all. This morning I was scheduled to go in for bloodwork and as I was leaving the house I had to triple check the calendar to make sure the appointment was today. I'm basically coasting -- I've been here before, I know the steps, and it's just on cruise control now.

I find myself very distracted. This cycle is just one more thing happening, unlike in past cycles where it literally took over my life and all my thoughts. Things are busier at work, so that could be a factor. I'm also busy preparing for Pesach. All in all I'm not concered about phoning in this cycle. I'm still doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm just choosing not to let it engulf my every waking moment.

One of the thoughts that came to mind this morning in the waiting room was about how people dress for the monitoring appointments. I found myself judging the people who wore complicated outfits or wearing tights. In my mind, once the ultrasound is finished, I have a small window of time to get dressed and clear the room so that the next person can be set up. If you surpass the acceptable time frame because you had to put on tights or mess around with your complicated zippers, you're holding up the line! It was irrational and ridiculous - no one is spending hours getting redressed.

Pesach prep is coming along nicely. I have menus and shopping lists done. I'm debating between consolidating trips and doing all the shopping at once, or doing the non-perishables now and then leave only the fruits and veg to the week of Pesach. If the cycle proceeds as anticipated, the estimated date for the egg retrieval is 4/15 which is a week before Pesach. It's enough time to recover, but I don't want to leave any heavy lifting for that week. As it is, I'll have to do the kitchen and cooking that week so I'd rather leave as few errands and shopping for that week as possible.

My mood has improved greatly over the past few days. I was sad and depressed earlier in the week and I've oscillated to the other direction, being giddy and excited about everything. I'm expecting to swing back in the next few days but in the meantime I'm enjoying not being miserable. I had all these great ideas about things to do: learn a new instrument! Take a trip! Get another degree! The list goes on and the energy is endless. My latest thing is that I want to learn to scuba dive. We're working on saving for a big 10th anniversary trip for summer 2017 so maybe I'll work some of these ideas into that trip.

I think part of the reason I'm trying not to think about this cycle too much is because I'm worried about it. I don't want it to fail. If I don't think about it too hard there's less of a chance I'll go on the what-if roller coaster.

IVF 4: Baseline

My baseline appointment was on Tuesday and everything looked good to start, so I begin stims on Friday. My medication order came in and I'm all set to start again. The bloating I had last week is almost entirely gone - I didn't need antibiotics or anything else. I think stopping to eat crap and adding water and exercise may have helped with that. So now I'm feeling nice and unbloated... just in time to start a cycle again.

I'm worried about this cycle. I worry before every cycle, but this one seems different. It's possible that it's worrying me to have a cycle so close to Pesach. I've started menus and lists, and we've figured out our Seder plans. It doesn't mean that prep is done, but rather that I realize how much still needs to be done and recovering from an egg retrieval just days prior is overwhelming to think about.

I'm also worried about last cycle's count. We ended up with one embryo from a whole cycle but we never got it tested so we don't know if it's transferable. I'm worried about the results from this one might not be better. I really want this to work already. I'm ready to move on. I want to make it to the next steps.

When we started 2016, I was sure we'd be welcoming home our baby by December. It was just a given - of course it will work, it's a third cycle! Why haven't I learned yet? It's not a given. Nothing is a given and there's no guarantee any part of it will work. It's not even that the transfers aren't sticking anymore, it's that we haven't gotten anything to transfer yet, regardless of how much money we've sunk into this so far.

It's hard to get sucked into the what if's and the should-haves... it should have worked and I should be expecting by now. In fact, had the first transfer stuck, I'd be coming up on my due date in May. How crazy is that? I realized what a different year I've had than the one I expected when we transferred in the fall.

One thing I did learn, aside from managing my expectations, is that each cycle is unpredictable. I don't know what this cycle will bring. I'm hoping the recovery will be simple and that I'll be able to enjoy Pesach. I'm hoping it will be successful and we'll get several transferable embryos out of it. I'm hoping it will lead to a successful transfer this summer. I hope it's the last cycle for all the right reasons. 

March Updates

Purim was so fun! It was on a Thursday and we had half-day at work so I took off those few hours and spent the time making the meal. I used a new recipe for roast and it came out delicious. The weather was gorgeous, unlike last year when it snowed on Purim. I was lucky to have off Friday to recover and clean up.

Basement project is on its way to completion! The contractor finished on time as promised and we started moving all the books downstairs. Now we have to wash the floors, buy a rug, and move the sofa. I hope to have it complete by the weekend. I love the new look so far.

I was feeling bloated and I was getting a sharp pang in my pelvis every so often so it made me worry that something was wrong. The bloating from the last egg retrieval was getting better with time until it stopped improving, and with this impending cycle coming up I didn't want to take any chances. So I scheduled a visit at the clinic for a scan just in case. I went in on Wednesday and the scan was fine. They gave me a lab slip to get a urinalysis which I took care of same day. I hadn't heard back results yet by Saturday, which makes me assume everything is fine. I emailed the nurse to confirm just in case and am waiting to hear back.

I got much better about eating habits and I'll admit that while it sucks to not eat anything whenever, I do feel a lot better. Darn healthy eating and its logical conclusion. I've been sticking mainly to vegetables, proteins, occasional fruit, and rare grains, like a modified South Beach diet. I've also been drinking my tank of water (75 oz) daily which keeps me from grazing all day.

Yesterday, on a rainy Monday morning after being home for an extra long weekend, my car wouldn't start. Such a great way to start the week! I got roadside assistance to give me a jump and took it to the mechanic, then took an Uber to work from there. Uber is so sketchy but I feel like I need to get on board 2016 and embrace it. It was ok - didn't get murdered so I think it was a success.

I am supposed to go in for my baseline appointment this morning to start IVF 4. That's probably why I was up at 5:45 AM without an alarm. Those appointments make me nervous, even though I've done dozens by now.

IVF 4

Our last cycle, IVF 3, resulted in only one embryo surviving to biopsy day. We had two options: the first option was to send the biopsy for testing and finding out if that one embryo was healthy to transfer. The chances of that are 25%. The second option was to do another cycle/retrieval/wait and batch other embryos, if any, that survive to biopsy.

For multiple reasons, we chose option 2. The first reason is that while we're optimistic and are hopeful for the best, we are also realistic. A 25% chance is not high. It would be a waste of $2500 to send only one embryo when it's the same fee for up to 8. (If I'm relying on a miracle, I'd rather save that for transfer day to have the little embryo stick!) Let's say we paid the $2500 and it came back that we beat the odds and it was a healthy embryo, there's a chance it wouldn't survive the thaw once we got to transfer day. Beside that, there's only 40% chance it would stick as a pregnancy. I know that's getting ahead of myself... let's first see if there are any embryos to transfer, right?

The other reason we decided to do another cycle was so that we could possibly bank a few embryos for future cycles. We're aware that fertility declines with age and while I'm not yet at the "AMA" threshold of 35, I'm just a few years shy of it. When I started this process I was knocking on 31 and thought I had all the time in the world, certain that it would work the first time.

As with all the cycles, they start by putting me on birth control pills first and I'm in the start of that stage now. The transition from no meds at all to BC always gives me nausea. My body physically reacts to the change of hormones and I get the mental connection with it that another cycle is looming. As sucky as the egg retrieval process is, I love the part right after of having to be on no meds at all and just letting my body get rid of as much of the crap as possible. No shots, no meds, no side effects.

I'll be on the pills for the next few weeks and then start stims all over again. I'm waiting for the official calendar from my nurse to see when the estimated retrieval will be. From my calculations it will be the week before Pesach which works out great schedule-wise. I'd rather not be in the clinic over the holiday. It would also be nice to have the week to recoup before the holiday itself. I'm running out of fake illnesses to tell my boss so I'll have to wait and see when the retrieval falls out on and figure out how to take two days to recover. I have the sick time accrued, that's not the problem; it's that everyone wants to know what's the matter and how they can help. It's a nice environment but in this particular situation I sometimes wish I had the sterile work environment my husband works in where you submit your sick time online and no one asks any questions.

I'm not sure how I feel about doing this again. On one hand I'm a pro - I know what to expect, I know how things work, I've done it before and it's no big deal. I'll take the shots, I'll juggle traffic to and from the clinic, I'll silently bloat and carry around my grapefruit-sized ovaries. On the other hand, my brain is just like, "Uggggghhhhh, I don't wanna do this agaaaain! I want to move on to the next step already!!!"

It took a long time for me to get my head back in the game after landing from our short vacation. You'd think it was just a two hour flight and only a few days! But the transition back to work when the weather is this beautiful was so hard. I just wanted to play outside but apparently I had adult things to get to. It's been a long week and I'm excited for Shabbat.

The weather turned warm overnight and suddenly there are babies everywhere. All the mamas that had their babies bundled up in the winter, staying home and keeping them away from everyone's germs, are out and about enjoying the weather. There are less layers and coats so it seems like there are baby bumps everywhere. I don't know if they're doing it intentionally or if it's just a reflex and I'm noticing it, but they are constantly rubbing their bumps. I don't hold anything against them. I have my challenges, I'm sure they have theirs. I wish nothing but health and happiness to these people and their babies.

As for us, I know we can't move on to the next step without this one, so... here we go yet again. Shabbat shalom!