Three!!!

Of the seven embryos we sent for testing, there are three healthy embryos. I'm a mix of happiness and anxiety. These three tiny embryos are a scarce and precious resource. Right now we have three opportunities to get pregnant. Logically, I know that they have to be transferred in order to take advantage of that opportunity, but last time we transferred nothing happened and the opportunity was lost along with our hopes and dreams. It happened twice and it was devastating each time.

Three embryos doesn't mean three babies. There are so many things that have to go right for it to work. They have to survive the thaw. They have to stick at the transfer. They have to grow for 9 months. They have to make it through the delivery. Then it's a baby. That's when you know it was a success.

Even so, we're absolutely thrilled that we have three embryos to transfer and we're celebrating the opportunity that lies ahead.

The first IVF cycle we did resulted in two healthy embryos and at the time I completely took it for granted. Of course we have embryos - isn't that what this whole thing is about? Let's stick one in there already so we can move on to #2 faster. Well, neither stuck and we had to start all over. IVF 2... IVF 3... IVF 4...

Here we are, three cycles later and only now do we have something new to transfer. I'm definitely not taking these for granted. I know I'm doing everything to help them stick, but I also know it's ultimately not up to me. I can't blame myself if it doesn't work and I can't take the credit if it does. Each baby is a miracle, even the ones that people get for "free" and don't have to think so much about.

Someone on fb posted this article about why it's ok to be amused at these people's infertility announcements. They are kind of cute: spencerandwhitneyadoption.blogspot.co.uk and someone who has been through the treatment actually understands why it's funny. This couple ended up adopting and they seem very happy. The comments on the fb post from other people who experienced infertility were sad, like the one mom who said that she never got to surprise her husband with the pee stick. Obviously she's happy that she was able to get pregnant via treatment and have healthy babies, but people feel like they're missing out on something.

That used to be my mindset, but I don't think I have the luxury of being miffed at not having a youtube-esque announcement. I'll be happy if and when I get pregnant, overjoyed that it worked and anxious every second that it shouldn't suddenly end unexpectedly.  I know family members are waiting to hear results and part of me really wants to keep this a secret. Just our secret. That's another luxury we don't get. We expect them to be there for us to support during the bad times; it's only fair to share the good news too.

I think that's the rationality behind why I don't like telling anyone that we're trying. Not only because I hate sharing the news that we've failed, but I also don't want to feel obligated to share pregnancy success so early on. Again, may this be my biggest worry.... I hope I get to have a pregnancy announcement to share, regardless of how soon.