T minus 4 days

I've been dreading the start of the FET cycle. My baseline appointment is Friday and it seems like it's looming over me. I want to start the cycle but I'm nervous it won't work. I'm worried about the hormone-induced emotional roller coaster. I'm scared it will all be for nothing and that we'll lose another embryo. I'm anxious about putting so much into something and having it fail. I remember what it was like from last time and I really don't want to go through that again.

Work has been keeping me busy which helps me push these concerns to the back of my mind. It's only when I get home I remember that I'm one more day closer to the end of "normal." Regardless of how this turns out, whatever I have now will be over. Either it works and our lives are forever changed by pregnancy, or it fails and we're once again surrounded by grief and shattered hopes.

I need to get new hair products. I realized today that I have an association with the current hair mousse I use. It happened to be that during IVF 3 I got a brand new pricey bottle of Paul Mitchell Sculpting Foam. It's actually really great - it dries soft instead of that crunchy texture other products leave behind. It has a pleasant yet distinctive smell and during my IVF cycles, it happened to be that the mornings I was rushing out the door for monitoring appointments I would just put some product in my hair and wear it curly for the day instead of taking the time to do anything with it. Well, alone in those waiting rooms all those appointments and all I could smell was my freshly pickled hair... I started associating that smell with the clinic. So now I get a reminder of that feeling of blood draws and waiting and anxiety every time I smell it, so I have an unused half-bottle I'll probably be giving away soon.

I've been doing great on my diet. I knew 3.5 lbs was too good to be true and sure enough I was back up by 1.5 lbs at the end of the week, still netting a minus 2 so I consider it a win. Still counting calories, still using myfitnesspal.com, still feeling like I'm doing what I can to help this transfer.

Meds order is scheduled to arrive tomorrow and we need to finalize some paperwork. Other than that, just waiting. In other news, we have exciting plans to see one of my favorite comics later this week and this morning I had an almost pleasant encounter with Verizon about my busted charger! All in all, a good Monday.