2018 Year In Review and blogaversary

It's been the most difficult and most eventful year yet. We started out with a big trip followed by a hysteroscopy in prep for our sixth FET which ended in disaster and led to the official switch to a new RE.

Our visit to the new RE set a whole bunch of things in motion:
- I saw an endocrinologist to take care of my thyroid
- We saw a male infertility urologist who recommended varicocele repair surgery
- We visited a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist and got through his recommended punch list
- I was put on vitamins and fish oil for three months in prep for IVF 8
- A second hysteroscopy was done in addition to a special stain test that found micro inflammation resulting in multiple rounds of antibiotics to treat it
- For the third time, I did the ERA test, this time in a natural cycle

And now here we are getting ready for our next transfer. We were told that we have officially reached our lifetime maximum of fertility benefits so everything from here on will be out of pocket. Not fun to hear.

This also brings my blog to three full years. I started writing over winter break 2015-16 and went live the first week of January. At the time it obviously didn't occur to me that I'd still be writing about failures and treatment three years later. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and unload when things feel overwhelming. I've tried therapy when I needed something during my lowest points. Even though it was with a person who specialized in infertility and had gone through it herself, it didn't feel helpful. Maybe because it wasn't the right person or maybe it was when things were "unexplained" and transfers keep failing it felt impractical to discuss something that had no known answers. It was also weird to get to a specific realization and wanting to explore it but then be told that time is up and losing momentum.

With blogging, I can take as much time as I want to formulate thoughts, chew through different ideas, rehash experiences as many times as I need, and then have something to go back to later on with fresh eyes and build on it. Writing is like talking to a friend with infinite patience - a finite resource in people. The main drawback is that writing doesn't sympathize or encourage so that where friends come in to complete the support system. Sometimes I wish I knew more people blogging or more people going through this. All the people I followed or talked to when I first started have either had success or stopped writing entirely.

We took chances in 2018. Took a leap of faith in switching to a new doctor; took up a new hobby in pottery; took charge of my overall health in getting my thyroid and blood pressure under control; made working out a priority. We took the trip we kept talking about and got the much-needed vacation even though it was a big expense.

I'm not a fan of New Years resolutions but I do believe that writing down goals helps achieve them. In 2019 I want to somehow find funds to renovate our bathroom and redo our first level floors. I'd like to explore more about my career and it's vague because I'm not yet sure what that means. We need to get mentally and financially prepared for the next FET. I want to continue making working out a priority of at least 30 min three times a week and add to that eating better. If weight loss comes along with that, all the better. I'd like to get better at working with clay and I want embrace the attitude of gratitude.

Happy New Year.

Christmas 2018

Results came back and they're good.

ERA: as the two previous ERA tests have told us, my lining was pre-receptive and I need an extra day. This wasn't news, but we wanted to confirm since the past two were medicated and this was in prep for a natural cycle.

EMMA: no significant signs of inflammation from bad bacteria. While this is great news, it was surprising. Obviously it's good because we've already treated it multiple times so thankfully it's finally confirmed gone. On the other hand I kind of expected there to be a big announcement about what the cause is of the persistent inflammation that wouldn't go away, then use a cycle to treat it, then biopsy again to make sure it's gone... in short - I wasn't prepared for the all clear. It had taken time to accept the long delay that having a change in schedule, even for the better, kind of shook me. I'm just not mentally prepared to brace myself for another transfer and all the baggage that it reminds me of. We spent the past year doing one thing after another getting ready for this point but it feels like it suddenly snuck up on me. The past six FETs failed; four of them in miscarriages. I always knew getting myself psyched up for another try was coming but and I hadn't expected it to be time to start.

For a hot second, we had a conversation about possibly delaying a transfer. Talking through it I realized it's not what I want, but it crossed my mind when I panicked at the results. I also realized I didn't want to tell anyone the results because I was scared of the predictable next question: "so when are you transferring?"

My instinct is to respond with "well that's really none of your goshdarn business" but is that fair to someone who has been by my side every step of the way? When I call crying or I text with bad news to help spread the burden so that it doesn't crush me? I know I don't owe anyone anything, but shouldn't the support system that has been around all this time get to know the good news too? I don't want to tell people when we're transferring, but I know I'll be calling if there's another failure, so maybe it doesn't hurt to give them a heads up about good news for once.

For the time being I deflect by vaguely talking about the persistent endometritis and how there's just constant delays, and how everything takes forever because it relies on my natural cycle. Not lies; just not the full truth. As it stands now, my doctor wants me to use a probiotic. While the bad bacteria didn't register in any significant quantities, apparently the good bacteria was low also, so doc suggested a vaginal suppository. It doesn't delay anything because we still need to wait for my period. We missed this cycle because of waiting for results so even without any additional delays, I estimated a transfer in Feb. That's fine - that will give me time to get my head in the game.

Here's what else that has been keeping me busy:


Work

End of year is always a busy time at work and this year was no exception. Since my office officially closes for the last week of the year, I wanted to get as much done as possible before the last day. Things kept popping up with last minute emergencies which made the week really hectic but thankfully it all got done.

Saying yes

A few years back I read a few books about people saying yes to things (Amy Poehler, Shonda Rimes). At the time it was interesting reading but I didn't really make any changes based on them. More recently I noticed I was feeling like I was saying no to too much, to the point of not having much to do. I didn't immediately do a 180 and start saying yes to everything, but I made more of an effort to rationalize my no's to myself. Why am I saying no? Could this actually be a yes? Is this an opportunity I'm missing because I'm so used to automatically saying no? So I've taken on a bit more and already it feels like a huge shift, especially to an introvert, homebody such as myself. Even though I'm happy with the shift, I'm continuously monitoring to make sure I don't overextend and burn out.

Pottery

There are a lot of things that make me happy about this. It's not an inexpensive class, but I feel like I'm getting my money's worth. I've also taken to watching youtube videos of other potters making things to get ideas and watch techniques. There's more to it than just the evening of class because the clay dries out so there's also in between class visits to trim and glaze. It takes up time but I don't mind. I debated whether to take the same class again or try a different clay class. I want to get better at throwing pots but I also really enjoy new things. Turns out that as a paying student taking any class I can use the studio while there aren't classes in session and practice on my own. So for the winter session I signed up for a sculpting class and I'm excited about it. I do plan to continue practicing the techniques I learned this past semester and maybe take an intermediate class at some point once I'm more comfortable with the basics. I love the options. It was also really exciting to bring home my first items fresh from the kiln. Even between the very first bowl to the most recent mug there's already a huge difference. I can see that I'm getting better and it's really exciting.

The other part of this is that it is tiring. There are a lot of steps to get set up at the wheel - get water, get your clay (most times hauling out chunks of 20+ lbs), set up tools, adjust the wheel. Then sitting in the squat position leaning in really takes a toll on your body if you're not used to it. I remember after the first few classes I felt sore the next day, almost as though I've had a full workout. After throwing pots, you need to find a place to store them. Then cleaning up is a whole ordeal. By the time I put away my clay I'm exhausted. It's a great feeling. 

Beside all that, I enjoy the non-screen time of the activity. If you want to talk to someone, you just turn to them and talk face-to-face. Your hands are dirty so you can't pick up your phone anyway. I leave it locked up for the duration of my time in the studio and it's a relaxing, freeing feeling. This is coming from someone who greatly enjoys screen-free weekends every shabbat so it's not at all a new concept, but there's something about it being allowed and purposely choosing to do something else. 

Working out

I'm working on getting to the gym for 30 min three times a week. I've chosen a great gym with a six minute commute door to door and it's still a time suck. Why? It takes to psych myself up to get there and make sure I have clean workout clothes and schedule so that I have enough time to shower and dress after and eat something before working out, but time it correctly with the morning meds which need to be taken on an empty stomach and then no food for 30-60 min.

Once I'm at the gym, I'm good to go and have fun working out. Once I've gotten everything aligned, and it is getting easier the more often I do it, then it's a breeze. I like sweating. I like feeling stronger. I can already tell I'm not as out of breath as quickly. I even noticed a slight dip in my blood pressure, which is thankfully normal, but no longer starts to rise if I'm late with meds. I enjoy checking it off my list once I'm done  working out for the day. But it's still an effort and the transition of getting used to it takes time. I know it's lame to make a big deal of 90 min of exercise a week, but whatever it's my #firstworldproblem. 

That's the latest for me. Hope you're enjoying today, whether you're home or travelling, whether you're celebrating the holiday or just vegging out.  

Thursday thoughts

This morning someone in my family group chat posted a picture of her messy living room after the little kids trashed it with the caption: "This is what my living room looks like <hiding face emoji>" I was feeling a little sensitive and while I normally wouldn't respond, I felt like I was done with complaints about kids and responded with "#blessed Hope my living room looks like that one day." Passive-aggressive? Maybe. But I'm tired of people taking their kids for granted. They're kids. They're going to make a mess; they're going to interrupt your sleep; they're going to come home with snot and fever for at least four months out of the year. That's just life. Enjoy it.

Two women in my community who each suffered the loss of a child in the past two years celebrated incredible miracles this week. One had a girl, one had a boy. Their tragedies brought them close and they were able to get strength from each other. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get to the point of hope and faith to have another baby after such terrible loss. I'm happy for them. I'm sad for me that I'm still waiting but the sadness doesn't take away for my happiness for them.

I'm feeling anxious and antsy. I keep feeling like I'm missing something. Like I'm forgetting to do something and it will have immense consequences when I realize what I forgot.

I'm anxious for results. I want to know already. What takes so freaking long. They already took my money. They said week of the 17th but I was hoping that was an overshoot. The week after is a holiday and I know that if we don't get results before then it will be a ghost town until after the first of the year.

I'm anxious to try again. I'm scared about trying again. I'm scared that after all this wait and delays and treatments and biopsies it will still fail. I'm scared that after all this it will still fail and at that point we won't know why or what to address and won't know what to do to fix it. But if we don't try we don't have a shot at success. If we don't try we won't know if it worked or not.

I feel stuck and stagnant. I just want to feel like I can move on with my life. I'm seeing women who have struggled alongside me planning birthday parties for their 2 year olds. I'm seeing friends my age planning their kids bar mitzvah. I question everything else around my life wondering what life choices brought me to this point and whether I want to keep pursuing something that has been such a massive failure for so long or if I want to cut my losses and just move on without success.

What if I decide I'm done. What if I decide I just won't have kids. Will I live a life of regret? Will I always look back and think I should have tried harder for longer? Will I always feel like I missed out on an enormous piece of life? Will it be all that, but also a huge sense of relief? Will the relief outweigh the missing piece? Will putting an end to the appointments and procedures bring freedom from the anxiety that comes along with them? If I decide to quit it won't feel like quitting, it will feel like taking charge and ending a very difficult chapter.

Only it's not just my decision. And I can't read the future so I don't know what the right choice is. For the time being I'll stay on the path that feels right until it doesn't feel right anymore.

Monday update

Preliminary results from last week's biopsy were incredibly frustrating. On one hand inflammation seems to have cleared up -- but I don't put much stock in that because prelim results last time said the same thing but actual results had a different story. On the other hand, results also said that my lining is pre-ovulatory. WTH. I don't even understand what that means since it was literally timed with bloodwork and medication. Late last week my doctor asked me to come in for bloodwork to verify whether or not I already ovulated. A day later my actual period arrived, so doc was confident about timing. She said to wait for actual ERA results before being concerned. If results are inconclusive regarding ovulation/lining/timing we may have to repeat the ERA.

Chanukah was last week. It was a beautiful, low-key, high-cal holiday. We hosted two parties. One for family, one for friends. I attended two work holiday parties (including two gift exchanges) and we went to two additional parties. It was a lot. I had so many doughnuts and I'm not at all sorry.

My pottery class is winding down. I enjoyed it a lot and decided to take a second class in the winter session. I told a few people about it and they're like, "What? for that amount of money you could buy 10 vases!" Clearly these people don't get it. For me it's not about the end product, but about the journey getting to it. It's art. It's a hobby. It's something else to think about for three hours a week instead of worrying anxiously about the what-ifs. And at the end if I happen to get a vase or a mug out of it, all the better.

Since we didn't get to go to Atlanta because of the procedure, I'm trying to see if we can do a Florida trip in January. I need a change of scenery and now that we got our points back, I want to use them. It doesn't look like there's a transfer any time soon in our future anyway.

Some upsetting news about a family member thinking of moving. I know they have to do whatever is best for their family but my nieces and nephews are really important to me and I'll be sad if they end up moving away. It's not sad news, just a difficult transition for me.

I decided to pull the trigger and join the gym. It needs to happen. I have to work out more often and it's just not happening at home. My goal to start is to get in 30 min 3x week. Eventually I want to be working out 4-5x/week for at least 45 min each, but I know I need to work my way up to that because if I bite off more than I can handle I just won't go at all. Reaching goals start one step at a time.

ERA/EMMA

On Friday I went in for the biopsy. It was a short day and even though I took the day off work I crammed in a lot of errands after the appointment so I never had a chance to type it up.

My appointment was scheduled for 9 am. The waiting room still had a few monitoring stragglers but they seemed to be running on time. The doctor called me back herself, not a nurse or a med assistant. They first did the obligatory pee stick test to make sure there's no pregnancy. By the time we were settled it was about 9:30 am when the actual biopsy was taken. I've had it 4 times before (once while under during this past summer's hysteroscopy) so I knew what to expect.

As the doctor and nurse were getting things ready, we chatted about next steps and she answered a few of my questions. We went over paperwork, signed a few forms, and did the procedure. They needed to go back in a second time because there are several samples going out to a few places and they wanted to make sure to have enough. It's so uncomfortable and painful as they're doing it - the best I can describe it is getting so cramped up that it feels like you might have to poop even if you don't have to go. It's a weird feeling. As soon as they stop the pain goes away and is replaced with period cramps that get milder as time goes on. I didn't even cry this time from the procedure.

Then we talked specifically about the results. If it comes back that the inflammation is cleared up, then the next step is a transfer. If not, then we'll take the information the results give and apply it next cycle, pushing a transfer to late-Jan or later (depending on what treatment is needed). My doctor said that at that point she herself will be on maternity leave. I said congratulation and smiled - genuinely happy for her. She said she'll still be involved and will give me her cell number. At that point I started to crumble. It was partially a delayed reaction to the hurting procedure, partially because she just cares so much. I started to tear up, and when I knew the waterworks were coming, I knew I could no longer talk without going into full sobbing. She thought that I was upset because I was feeling abandoned but it was the opposite - I so much appreciated how much she cared. She said that if my transfer happens to fall out during her leave that she'll try to come in for it. I managed to squeak out, oh you don't have to do that. To which she responded that she wants to. That just made more tears come and all I could do was nod.

The doctor left and the nurse was finishing up with the packing of the biopsy. She brought me tissues and said she understand how hard this is because it took her six years to get pregnant. She said, "I was on that table 19 years ago." When she left I let myself cry for real while I got dressed. I took a minute to calm down and left. Cried some more in the car. I've repeated the story a few times over Friday and it makes me tear up every time.

It wasn't the physical pain of the procedure that got to me; it was 100% the emotional part. It's a really hard journey. Finding a doctor who is so committed and professional and exudes so much care at the same time is truly a blessing.

One second of the exchange with my new doctor was more compassion we've had during our three years at the old clinic combined. Speaking of, on Friday morning I randomly received a check-in email from my last nurse at the old clinic asking what's up. I'm debating whether or not to answer. I don't really owe them anything, let alone an answer. On the other hand maybe I want them to know that they missed such an important piece of my treatment.

So now we wait a few weeks for results and see where the path leads us next.