Raw and emotional

Everything seems to be a trigger, like the mundane things people take for granted. The fb fall family photoshoots are a big trigger for me, to the point that I had to take a fb break.

I cry when I think of how great the numbers were and how suddenly and abruptly it ended. We couldn't do anything to save our baby.

It was lightly raining all day and at one point I noticed that the pre-school nearby took the kids out on a walk in their raincoats and rainboots. They were splashing in the puddles outside my office window and just being adorable enjoying themselves in the rain. It took all I had not to fall apart in a pool of tears right then and there.

I totally thought that the ERA was the silver bullet. When we got those results I thought we finally had an answer. Three FETs were gone but at least we had a solution - we learned that the transfer day was wrong and I thought it was the answer. It may have been the answer to one issue: implantation. We passed that phase because we got great numbers. It was keeping the pregnancy going that became the issue.

I've read online that people treat repeated miscarriages with meds like prednisone and lovonox. I don't know much about these meds other than the fact that it's an anti-inflammatory and a blood thinner. Is my body rejecting the embryo? Definitely something to ask the doc at the wtf appointment. I scheduled it for week after next when my husband has off and can come with me.

I started taking calls again. Earlier in the week when family or friends heard the news and called I let it go to voicemail. I just couldn't. I was ashamed and disappointed that I didn't have better news to chat about. But I appreciate the calls and it helps to talk to people, even if they do most of the talking because I can't through the silent sobs.

The stats talk about how there's an 85% chance of a live birth for every three transfers. We're at 0% for four transfers. It's all the more painful because we don't know WHY. We can't pinpoint a problem so we can't work to fix it.

I know He has a plan. I know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen in the right time. But it's hard to accept a plan that includes this much pain. It's difficult to hold on to hope when I feel like we're being punished, over and over. It gets so much harder after every loss.

Lost

Spent most of the evening crying on my husband's shoulder. It's the tough times that show a person's true colors and he's been nothing short of amazing.

I tried to think of next steps but I just couldn't. It's too overwhelming. What guarantee do I have it will ever work? What if I choose to walk away now? Four IVFs. Four FETs. Countless medications and shots. For what? What do we have to show for it? We're back at square one.

I'm tired. We've been at this so aggressively for nearly 18 months with back to back procedures and failed attempts. I'm tired of the failures. I'm tired of the crushing heartbreak.

Even as recently as June 2016 I was less jaded, having "only" had two failed FETs, before the chemical pregnancies started.

In the past six months I've gotten daily PIOs in my butt, painful and bruising intermuscular shots. Two ERA biopsies chomping on my uterine lining to get some answers. We've had two pregnancies confirmed, only to have them end abruptly shortly after.

And what now? We did everything we could and it still isn't working.

My doctor doesn't seem to have any reason to change protocols. While the clinic has been professional and responsive, I'm done with their sterile factory environment. I'm just done.

I don't know what comes next. Do we do another IVF to collect more embryos? We've had mixed success with those in the past. It's expensive and painful. But what's the alternative?

We have one healthy embryo left. Do we transfer? Do we save it and try to get more? What can we change, if anything? I don't think they've created a test yet to tell me why I got pregnant and had great numbers but that the pregnancy spontaneously failed.

I don't know. 

I don't feel supported by the doctor. I don't have the tools to figure it out on my own. I don't have a direction to move in. I can't see with blurry vision through the tears. I can't see past the darkness yet.

FET 4: Beta 3

Hcg levels are down to 26.

It's over.

Another chemical pregnancy.

I don't know why this keeps happening. Not sure what we did wrong. I don't know if there was anything we could have done differently.

I can't stop crying. I'm home for lunch break and I need to get back to the office soon, especially since I got in late from traffic and waiting over 40 min for bloodwork this morning.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know why this happened.

One step at a time

Part of me wants the extended weekend to last as long as possible. The weeks ahead are going to be busy at work and it's going to be non-stop until mid-December, so the break has been nice. Another part of me is anxious to get to the clinic for Monday's bloodwork and hear the next update.

Since the Wegmans incident there have been less and less symptoms. Cramping is nearly gone. My husband and I kind of stopped talking about it all together. The Wegmans incident really scared us. Every so often I'll get a twinge or feel something in my lower belly and remember, but for the most part we're trying to keep it in the back of our minds until we know more.

I haven't worked out since last Tuesday. We've taken walks around the neighborhood but nothing to work up a sweat. I've kept my feet up and drank a lot of water and tea. Spotting stopped but I dread going to the bathroom, worrying I might see something new. The bloating has gotten better, no headaches, no fatigue. My appetite is gone which is unusual for me but I'm probably just full from all the liquid trying to stay hydrated. The only symptom to report is a phantom tight-undies feeling. It feels like my pants or my skirt is just a hair too snug, but I know it's not the clothing because the feeling happens in the shower sometimes too.

Thinking about the what-ifs is exhausting. I find it emotionally draining to think about all the things that could go wrong, but I want to enjoy what could possibly be the beginning of our child's journey into the world. I'm trying my best to put the worrying on the back burner and try to take things as they come.

Happy Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I love that it's a no-stress holiday. I love that it combines things I love: family and food. I love that the one legal holiday turns into a nearly 5-day weekend!

Spotting slowed significantly overnight and changed to brown, so I take that as a good sign that its stopped and this is just whatever's left over. I've googled as much as I can and everyone on the internet says cramping is normal. They also say that bleeding isn't automatically a miscarriage, but to monitor closely. So my doc knows about it and I've done everything I could. Possible harmless causes are either implantation or the meds, none of the other explanations the internet offered were relevant. At this point whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

I tried to think back about my day yesterday wondering about what could have contributed. I realized that with all that was going on -- getting bloodwork, running errands, cramming everything I could into the half-day before we were dismissed for the holiday weekend -- I'd been basically fasting the majority of the day. I drank a bottle of water on my way to the clinic for bloodwork, but other than that I wasn't hungry and didn't think of eating until after 3:00 pm. The Wegman's incident (as we are now referring to it) happened about 12:40 pm and after that I really had no appetite. Is that the cause? I worked out on Tuesday, for the first time since transfer, and felt extra cramping but nothing too intense. Was that it? We'll never know. But I'm going to be more mindful about making sure to stay hydrated and take it easy.

I did my best to relax yesterday evening and fell asleep around 9. I was up early this morning but it was still dark and decided not to start my day just yet. I feel like the only thing I can do to help things is to just take it easy and keep my feet up, so I'm enjoying my pajama day on the couch and in bed, getting up occasionally to baste the turkey or get a snack. Thanksgiving and the long weekend couldn't have come at a better time.

The cramping has subsided a lot and I barely feel it when I'm sitting or lying down, unlike yesterday when it was active all day. I didn't think anything of it because I'd been having cramping since transfer day. I plan to park it until bloodwork on Monday and hope for the best.

While it may sound cliche, I feel truly blessed this Thanksgiving. Wishing you and yours a very happy turkey day!

FET 4, Beta 2: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The good news is that my numbers doubled: they're up from 448 to 954.

The bad news is that I've been having intense cramping and around lunch started spotting heavily. I called my nurse in a panic and I was told that spotting is normal. She said there are a few reasons for bleeding at this stage, such as the meds causing it. She said that while it seems alarming I should try to relax and just keep taking the meds. It was reassuring enough to keep me from crying but not enough to make me stop worrying. Next appointment is Monday for third beta so if I'm in pain or have heavier bleeding I need to call the after hours line.

The ugly is that I had just gotten to Wegman's for some pre-holiday shopping when I decided I should use the restroom quickly first. It was there that I discovered the bleeding so in my freakout I just ran to my car to call the clinic. I didn't get any of the groceries I meant to buy and didn't realize until later in the day.

We're cautiously optimistic. The numbers doubled, as they should. But as soon as I saw the red my happy bubble burst and I realized that this could all end at the blink of an eye. I'm happy the numbers doubled and that there's still a chance that this will be ok, but I'm so worried. I'm trying not to assume the worst just yet.

FET 4: Beta

It's been a long and exhausting day but there are important updates and limited editing below.

Left the house at 7:00 AM and made it to the clinic by 7:30 AM. Waited for 25 min before being called for bloodwork. Back in the car at exactly 8:00 AM. Made it to the interview place by 8:40 AM which gave me time to find parking, look over some papers and use the restroom before the 9:00 AM interview. I met with three sets of people and talked non-stop until 10:45 AM. From there I went to meet a friend for coffee. I got home at 12:25 PM at which point I got the call from the clinic.

You know how they like to see a number above 100? You know what my number was? 448.

4. 4. 8.

The doc said the number, and I'm like 148? That's great! He's like no and repeated it. I'm like 248? Wow! I finally got it on the third time. 448!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that even a real number??? I didn't know numbers that high were even an option for first beta!

We told our parents and a close friend following our story. If you know me IRL please keep this news to yourself - we're obviously not ready to go public yet.

We're thrilled. I was so happy with the news. But it doesn't feel real yet. I couldn't sit still at home so I went in to work for the afternoon. They were actually texting me questions and because it's a short week they were time sensitive, so it was easier to just come in. It's fine - I enjoyed being around people with my little secret. In fact, meeting new people and learning about the new position in the interview made me appreciate my current job and team members even more.

It still doesn't feel real and every few minutes we remember and we're like, is this real? Is this really happening?? We're so cautiously happy, knowing that it's still so early and anything can happen. But for the time being... officially pregnant. Thank you Hashem. Thank you everyone who said tehillim.

Next bloodwork is Wednesday to confirm the number is doubling.

FET 4: 11dp6dt

Well, here we are.

It's the night before beta. Still officially pupo. Last night of the unknown for FET 4. I'm proud to say that I've stuck to the no-testing pledge. Not a single HPT peed on in the past two weeks.

I've had cramps on and off the past few days. They've gotten less frequent and more intense. I feel it more when I stand up from after sitting a while. I think the cramps are from the PIO, regardless of whether something stuck or not. Otherwise no symptoms that I can tell.

My cold is almost all gone, thankfully.

I'm nervous for tomorrow. I spent some time today doing research for my interview, but I'm not nervous for it. If they like me for me then I'm the right fit for the job. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be. I want to do well, but I'm not freaking out about it.

I'm nervous about it being a top-heavy day, with everything crammed in the morning. I need to wake up earlier than usual so that I have a chance to beat traffic on the way to the clinic and get there in time. If at all possible I want to avoid getting stuck in the queue waiting for bloodwork. It's the shortest and most significant part of my day. There's nothing I can do about the results and it's the thing I'm most nervous about. From there I have to get through traffic to my interview. At some point I have to remember to call in sick from work.

I was randomly googling thoughts and came across this poem which captures a lot of the same things I'm feeling.

I'm ready for some good news!

The Plan

It's 10dp6dt and I haven't tested yet.

I believe not testing helped keep me from over obsessing. Actually, it just shifted the obsession from the testing to not testing. But not having a physical or visual daily reminder made it possible to put aside the continuous loop of thoughts for a few hours every day until I remember, at which point I get a tiny jolt of anticipation about the "what-ifs." I realize that, like with every other time, I'm still expecting it to work. And every time it didn't work in the past it was all the more surprising and disappointing.

I've prepared for worst case scenario: planning to take the day off in expectation for the results phone call and didn't sign up to bring anything for Thanksgiving just in case we don't want to go. Yet I'm hoping for best case. I hope it works.

But what if it doesn't? I could live in denial but the reality is that if it doesn't work then the only thing to help from sinking into a deep depression is knowing what comes next. We have one frostie left from IVF 4 and we have a few options.

• Option 1: Move ahead with FET 5 with no changes
• Option 2: Move ahead with FET 5 but first do an endo scratch
• Option 3: Save the last healthy embryo and do IVF 5

It's distressing to think that after all this we may have to start over. It helps to prepare mentally even though I hope we won't need it. We are less than 48 hours from knowing one way or the other. 

The first time we transferred we didn't tell anyone. In fact we had conversations and disagreements about it because he wanted to tell his family and I felt that it was too soon - no one shares that they're pregnant at two weeks! I felt like it was an invasion of my privacy to share what's going on so early. But when it didn't work we had to share bad news. It was terrible. Second transfer we said we'd share the news after the first ultrasound. It never got that far because it didn't work then either. 

Third transfer we ended up sharing between first and second beta, mainly because we wanted so desperately to share good news and we weren't sure that we'd still have good news after second beta. Turns out we were right and once again we were disappointed. It was important to have the support of family and friends who knew. It helped us keep grounded and hopeful. 

And now? Everyone knows. Obviously not everyone; I can count on one hand how many people know. We're hoping we can get power of prayer and strength in numbers. Here's hoping!!!

FET 4: 7dp6dt

Day 7 post transfer
Day 3 of Wicked Cold, downgraded from Monster Cold

Feeling a little better. Helps that I was able to sleep a little last night. The intense sinus pressure on my face loosened up and my sense of smell went from 0% to 30%, so we're getting there. The pain moved from my face to my throat, but hopefully it will end there. Other than cough drops I've been on round the clock tea and chicken soup. I've been avoiding sugar since it usually increases inflammation and I can't taste it anyway so why waste the calories.

I started feeling some period-like symptoms. Cramping could be a good sign, but it's also possible it's a side effect of the PIO. It started around the same time last transfer but I forgot about it until I went back and reread some posts. I'm also having crazy dreams. Beside the rated R versions, in one dream I took an HPT but remembered I'm supposed to be waiting til beta so I hid it before looking at the results. In another, we got the positive results and my initial dream-knee-jerk-reaction was, "Oh well, I guess I can't leave now." Haha wth?? I can't remember ever having those thoughts in waking memory so what's that about? Where does my mind want me to go??

Haven't tested yet. I'll wait. I won't be patient or happy about it, but I'll wait.

FET 4: 6dp6dt

Day 6 post transfer
Day 2 of monster cold

In short, a few exciting things:

• Did a glass blowing workshop today. I made a wavy bowl. It needs to cool off slowly because it might crack if cooled too quickly so I'll pick it up in a few days. So fun.
• Have an interview scheduled for Monday morning!
• Not feeling preg. I know it's early for symptoms. I also know it's possible that being congested is masking symptoms, however minor. 
• Haven't tested yet.

Beta and interview are same day, back to back. I'll have to take the morning off for the interview, and it will likely be close to 11 am by the time I get in to the office. By then it will be almost time to get beta results. Last time I got not great news I left the office at lunch with a "migraine" and didn't come back. If the news is good, I have no issue going in to the office. If it's not good news, I'll want to be home. So I'm considering taking off the whole day. 

I have the time and my supervisor wouldn't give me any issues. I don't know why I'm so opposed to taking time off. I'm always trying to save it, but this is exactly the kind of thing it's being saved for. I can always take off and then figure it out at the time.

FET 4: 5dp6dt

Today in a word: miserable.

My back pain is gone. In its place is a monster cold. I caught a cold and it's making me miserable. Stuffed nose, clogged ears, intense sinus pressure, and sore throat. I know I can take Tylenol so I will probably take some so I can sleep. I know that if my husband had this cold I'd tell him to stop being a big baby and that "it's just a cold." But goshdarnit, I can't focus on anything with this leaky mess. At some point during the day my tissues became sandpaper on my nose. I left work an hour early - I just couldn't anymore.

Speaking of work, someone made my Monday extra special by messing up one of my spreadsheets. In trying to sort the sheet by alpha order, this coworker sorted only one column, leaving all the other columns unsorted. This wouldn't be a big deal if the coworker didn't then save the spreadsheet before undoing this error. FFFFFFF. Not only was it a big deal eff-up, but I didn't have access to my backup. I asked IT if they can recover the old version of the spreadsheet. They could, but only from last night so all the work I had done this morning would be lost. We figured it out - basically had to recreate the whole thing. I stayed calm and worked through it. But seriously, if you're not sure how to use Excel, you can ask. At the very least, Google it! And for the love of Oprah, don't save something once you're messed up.

In pupo news, I haven't tested yet. I don't think I fully thought this through because it gets harder, not easier, not to test every day. Every day it's a challenge. By day 5 last cycle I already saw a clear, albeit faint, line. Tomorrow morning will be 6 and I know that if something took it would show up. But I'm really trying not to test. I tested last time and what good did it do? My mood for the day entirely depended on the results and it was a daily roller coaster. In the end what good did it do - nothing. It just raised our hopes so much only to be crushed later. I want to avoid it if possible. If I test tomorrow and it's blank, I'll be devastated but still hopeful that the next day will be different. I'll try to rationalize it and figure out when is too early. I can't do that to myself daily. In another week we will know for sure.

Technically I'm supposed to go in on Tuesday for the beta, but because of the holiday they moved it up a day. They like to limit the number of people who come in on holidays and weekends whenever possible. They scheduled it in a way that if I have to come back two days later for a second beta, it wouldn't be on the holiday itself. Works for me - one less day to wait. 

FET 4: 4dp6dt

I figured out the trick not to take HPTs. Once I get rid of fmu the urge to test completely passes. I have an irrational certainty that anything other than fmu will jeopardize the test results with diluted pee from later in the day. So I just have to get past the next 8 mornings.

Last night, Kate McKinnon sang Halleluja in the cold open on SNL dressed as Hillary Clinton and as a tribute to Leonard Cohen, the writer of the song who passed away this week. It was powerful and moving. I cried when I saw it the first time.

It spoke to me on many levels. I loved that it didn't lose any meaning in its simplicity. It was in part a eulogy to a legend songwriter. It was a mark of respect for the campaign Hillary fought but lost. It was a mark of compassion for all the people hurting over the election results. Regardless of whether this is the end of seeing Hillary politically or not, it was encouraging to hear McKinnon as Hillary say, I'm not giving up and neither should you.

It reminded me of Hillary Clinton's actual concession speech, also emotional and moving in its own right, in which she said, "This loss hurts, but please never stop believing that fighting for what's right is worth it."

I believe in the fight. I believe it's worth it. It will take a little longer, but I believe we'll get there. 

FET 4: 3dp6dt

Early Friday I was walking down the stairs and something happened to my back. I wasn't carrying anything or twisting, but a muscle between my right shoulder blade and spine got twinged and caused intense pain. I couldn't take a deep breath or move my right arm without getting a sharp jab. I was more alarmed than anything else, and emailed my nurse to find out wth.

I put a heatpad on while waiting to see if I could make it to work. I tried stretching and moving slowly to try to loosen the muscle. The nurse emailed back that they can only recommend Tylenol or Extra Strength Tylenol, but if it gets worse I should contact my PCP.

Thankfully over the course of the day it loosened up (yay for working out aiding a stronger back?). With heat, massages from the husband, and stretches it was way better by the evening. By tonight, it's almost all better. I didn't end up taking any meds, but was fully prepared to if needed. Whatever bad effects Tylenol may or may not have on pregnancy, I couldn't have excruciating pain possibly affecting implantation. I don't know what caused it, but it really sucked. Maybe a delayed side effect of Tuesday's massage? Who knows.

In other news, haven't tested yet.

FET 4: 1dp6dt

Day one post transfer. Haven't tested yet ;)

I've had mild cramping since the transfer. That happened the last time, too. When I feel the cramping I worry that something is wrong. When I don't feel it, I miss it and also worry something is wrong.

I had very light spotting this morning and tried not to freak out. The discharge papers they gave me yesterday said it was a possibility and normal if it happens, so I'm saying off Google.

I'm trying really hard not to obsess about it. So much so that I try to not think about it but then worry I might forget something, like taking a shot or remembering my prenatal pills or avoiding alcohol/sushi/deli/other anti-preg poison. Putting reminders in my phone helps.

I'm sad for America. I'm still processing the results of this election. One thing it does is help keep me distracted. The less I think about the transfer the less likely I am to test early. I'm going to try to hold out until beta, or at least as long as possible.

Transfer day

Officially PUPO.

I worked half day and crammed all the important things I had to do in just a few hours before leaving. My mistake was drinking too much water during the morning. By the time I emptied my bladder for the last time there was still some in my system working its way down. So when I added the required 16 oz pre-transfer, by the time we got to the clinic I was very uncomfortable.

Luckily, they got us in quickly. They always ask you to come 30 min before your actual appointment time. We left extra time to get there in case of traffic and got there early. We were called back right away. My blood pressure was really high - I was very nervous. There was no wait at all, and we were in and out in almost 20 minutes. Simple. Done.

In prep for the transfer I ended up getting the pom juice and nuts. I couldn't not. I don't want to feel like I left anything on the table. After we left, my husband and I went to a cafe before he went back to work just to defrag. I went home to watch TV. I have the time off work I can spare, so why not.

The election results are ridiculous. How did we not see this coming. I'll accept that he's the president-elect but I'm not happy about it. People are calling Hillary crooked, yet she's been cleared by the FBI and Trump is the only one with a scheduled date in court under federal indictment for scamming people at Trump University. Maybe he will surprise us all? Maybe America will get better? I don't think so, but only time will tell.

Now we wait.

HPTs

I haven't decided whether I will take home pregnancy tests this time. I remember what a roller coaster ride it was every other transfer.

I didn't keep as meticulous records of the first FET 2ww, but I remember it being negative pretty early on and not ever changing. It was obvious it didn't work. 

The second FET was right after a retrieval and when I tested it came out positive several times, but I think that was because I still had residual HCG in my system from the trigger shot. It's possible it was another chemical, because I remember calculating the days past the trigger shot being 17 days later and still showing a faint positive. According to Google, HCG only lasts in your system up to 14 days so I took it as a sign of working. However, beta came back at less than 1 so it clearly didn't work.

Then there was FET 3 where I started testing almost immediately. I think day 3 or 4. At first it was such a stark white it almost seemed like a negative white, if that's even a thing. But then the next day there was a faint line that you had to squint and then cross your eyes and hold it up to the light just so to see, but it was there. Then it got slightly darker every day after that, and I knew. I knew that something stuck. I knew it worked! But then around day 11 or 12 the line stopped getting darker. I shook it off saying that it was probably just diluted pee, or not FMU, or something else. I was in denial and not ready to accept the bad news. It was close enough to the beta that I was ok just waiting for the bloodwork instead of continuously testing. Sure enough beta came back positive, but low. The clinic likes to see above 100 as the first number but considers anything above a 50 to be positive; mine was just above 60. We tried to hold on to hope but by the second beta two days later it was over. It's still hard for me to go back to those posts. It hurts to relive those days. Hard to believe it was just this past summer.

So I'm hesitating about testing this time. I don't want to deal with it either way. How do you not test for two whole weeks?? Are there really women who hold out for the beta? At one point I was thinking of testing in the morning before the transfer just as a baseline. Is that obsessive? I'd say so. But what's the alternative? Not testing? Not thinking about it? Not knowing?? I don't know if I can do that. What's my motivation for not testing?

The clinic strongly advises not to test because of the chance of false positives or false negatives. But really, what difference does it make to them. They talk a big game but they're not the ones going through it - they have no idea what the stress is for someone to not know if their dreams are about to come true or if their world is about to crash in on them. 

It's a very fine line between utter joy and complete devastation. That line is pink and lives right next to the control line on a pee stick!

In other news, happy voting day! Regardless of who becomes our next president, American wins when this election is over.

Pre-transfer jitters

I finally broke out the aerobic step I bought a few months ago. It's embarrassing how long it took me to get motivated enough to actually use it. But I did and, along with a great YouTube video, I worked up an awesome sweat before work. They say one good deed leads to another and it's true for this too, because I even took the time to prep breakfast and pack a healthy lunch. 

My new diet philosophy is 5/2: eat well 5 days during the work week and then enjoy the weekend with less restrictions. I see the most results when I low-carb but it's hard to keep that up for too long at a time, so this might be a good compromise. I've definitely enjoyed the weekend so now it's time to do the 5 'good' days. I feel like it's easier to be more structured at work so we'll see how it goes. I'm also using the free app from myfitnesspal.com and it's really helping to keep me accountable.

Today the clinic called to give us the exact time for the transfer. They always have egg retrieval surgeries in the morning and then after lunch they do transfers. The schedule depends on how many egg retrievals they will do that day, and that depends on today's bloodwork from monitoring. From past experience I knew that the surgery schedule comes out around 4 PM.

Shots are going fine. I think my butt is getting numb quicker this time because of past damage to the area from previous PIOs. It used to alarm me when the area went numb after several shots, but now I'm just embracing it and trusting that it will eventually wake up again. I was hoping it would make shots less painful but it doesn't. #itiswhatitis

Last transfer I did a recap so I can remember what I did. I'm already doing most of it - trying to eat healthy and keeping active at least 3x/week. I'm eating pineapple because I like it, so it's part of my regular snack rotation. I'm debating whether to buy pom juice and nuts again... I doubt they did anything the first time and I didn't really enjoy them. I guess it will be a game time decision when I go grocery shopping tomorrow. I booked my massage for the day before transfer. I feel like it helped me relax so for that reason it was worth it. Whether or not it helped otherwise I'll never know, but I feel like I'm doing something proactive to try to help implantation. And then there's the added day of PIO before transfer, thanks to two ERA cycles, two biopsies, and nearly $2k later. I hope that this is the ultimate trick that helps this work.

I'm anxious and excited. It's hard to put into words how much I want this to work. It's hard to admit how much I want it to work because for some reason it feels like that much more of a failure if it doesn't.

Whoops!

In the relief and excitement of being cleared to start PIOs, and therefore locking in a transfer date, I accidentally took my delestrogen shot a day early on Thursday. In the three prior FETs and two ERAs I've never mixed up the medication calendar. This was a first!

I emailed my nurse in a panic. She told me how to adjust the schedule to move forward and said it was no big deal. She kind of made fun of me, saying that she's never had someone so excited about a shot. I didn't care, I was just relieved I didn't mess anything up!

We had a nice weekend so far. The weather has been gorgeous. We went to a friend's birthday party on Friday night. It was lively and so nice to hang out with friends. Tonight we went to see one of our favorite comics, Sebastian Maniscalco. I love seeing live comedy but sometimes I forget how much I hate crowds. It was still great.

Earlier in the day, we were sitting in the backyard chatting on the swing and it hit me that this time it's not a dry run. The last two cycles we did were for the ERA and after several weeks of shots there was a biopsy and that was it. We haven't had a transfer since June. But this is happening. The dreaded 2WW is nearly upon us. If things go well, the 2WW extends beyond that to more anxiety and milestones and life as we know it changing forever. That's best case scenario. If things don't go well, we're looking at a depressing Thanksgiving holiday coming up.

I hope this is it for us. I hope the information from the ERA is what we needed to succeed. I hope we have good news to share soon.

FET 4: Lining check

This was my day.... unedited.

7:30 AM - Lining check was this morning. Doc said lining was just at the minimum of 8 mm. What? Seriously? Of all my appointments ever, lining was never an issue. The last ERA cycle lining was close to 12 mm or something. Why is this happening?? Bloodwork uneventful.

8:12 AM - The appointment ended pretty quickly so I had about 20 min before needing to be at work. I was thinking of running to Starbucks but then had a better idea. Instead of standing in line at Starbucks, I went to the nearest early voting place and stood in line there! The lines were long but they were moving pretty quickly so I was in and out within 30 minutes. #MakingHERstery #imwithher #gotasticker

11:04 AM  - I'm trying not to freak out. I know that it's the minimum but I think it's on the right side of minimum. That's what Google says, anyway. I just really don't like being on the edge like that. They did mention it has the triple line so at least we have that. This was never an issue, why is this happening now? I'm so nervous about next steps. What does this mean? Will they cancel the cycle? Delay? Do they give it another chance to grow and then check again? If that's the case, what happens to my 6 days of progesterone? Ahhhh! I'm so worried. I can't focus on anything. They took blood to make sure I didn't ovulate so they're going to wait for results to call me.

11:53 AM - No update yet. Still thinking about it.

12:01 PM - I woke up this morning at 5:12 AM and am now reconsidering the decision to quit my newish 1-cup-a-day instant coffee habit cold-turkey.

1:43 PM - It's still early. They should call soon. On the plus side, "not thinking about it" translated into incredible productivity at work.

2:36 PM - Why haven't they called yet?

3:12 PM - THE CALL!  Lining is at 8.69 mm and E2 at 467.  Anything above an 8 is "excellent" and good to start PIO. YAY!!!  I asked about other cycles where lining was so much thicker and the nurse said that it can vary between cycles but as long as it's over 8mm it's fine regardless of how much higher. It's basically a pass/fail and I passed.

3:13 PM - decorating nursery in my mind jk

So excited! I know I should be guarded and protect my heart from another potential failure but I'm just jumping in with both feet. So until our first beta tells me otherwise, I'm happy to get this show on the road!!

 6:30 PM - PIO shot. Oh right, this again.

Carpe diem

I recognize that to be entirely happy with my decision not to leave my job right now, I need to find something else that will keep me busy and happy.

I've been searching online and came up with several ideas:

- Art class of sorts: glass blowing, pottery, woodworking
- Exercise of sorts: kickboxing, barre, yoga, archery
- Part time job (doing what?)
- Learn to play an instrument
- Start and manage a bookclub
- Make wine or brew beer
- Learn to properly care for and use a firearm
- Write articles to be published

Just for s+g I also applied for two government jobs. Their benefits and perks are excellent so it would be a worthwhile switch. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on finding a new passion project.