I believe not testing helped keep me from over obsessing. Actually, it just shifted the obsession from the testing to not testing. But not having a physical or visual daily reminder made it possible to put aside the continuous loop of thoughts for a few hours every day until I remember, at which point I get a tiny jolt of anticipation about the "what-ifs." I realize that, like with every other time, I'm still expecting it to work. And every time it didn't work in the past it was all the more surprising and disappointing.
I've prepared for worst case scenario: planning to take the day off in expectation for the results phone call and didn't sign up to bring anything for Thanksgiving just in case we don't want to go. Yet I'm hoping for best case. I hope it works.
But what if it doesn't? I could live in denial but the reality is that if it doesn't work then the only thing to help from sinking into a deep depression is knowing what comes next. We have one frostie left from IVF 4 and we have a few options.
- Option 1: Move ahead with FET 5 with no changes
- Option 2: Move ahead with FET 5 but first do an endo scratch
- Option 3: Save the last healthy embryo and do IVF 5
It's distressing to think that after all this we may have to start over. It helps to prepare mentally even though I hope we won't need it. We are less than 48 hours from knowing one way or the other.
The first time we transferred we didn't tell anyone. In fact we had conversations and disagreements about it because he wanted to tell his family and I felt that it was too soon - no one shares that they're pregnant at two weeks! I felt like it was an invasion of my privacy to share what's going on so early. But when it didn't work we had to share bad news. It was terrible. Second transfer we said we'd share the news after the first ultrasound. It never got that far because it didn't work then either.
Third transfer we ended up sharing between first and second beta, mainly because we wanted so desperately to share good news and we weren't sure that we'd still have good news after second beta. Turns out we were right and once again we were disappointed. It was important to have the support of family and friends who knew. It helped us keep grounded and hopeful.
And now? Everyone knows. Obviously not everyone; I can count on one hand how many people know. We're hoping we can get power of prayer and strength in numbers. Here's hoping!!!
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