Lost

Spent most of the evening crying on my husband's shoulder. It's the tough times that show a person's true colors and he's been nothing short of amazing.

I tried to think of next steps but I just couldn't. It's too overwhelming. What guarantee do I have it will ever work? What if I choose to walk away now? Four IVFs. Four FETs. Countless medications and shots. For what? What do we have to show for it? We're back at square one.

I'm tired. We've been at this so aggressively for nearly 18 months with back to back procedures and failed attempts. I'm tired of the failures. I'm tired of the crushing heartbreak.

Even as recently as June 2016 I was less jaded, having "only" had two failed FETs, before the chemical pregnancies started.

In the past six months I've gotten daily PIOs in my butt, painful and bruising intermuscular shots. Two ERA biopsies chomping on my uterine lining to get some answers. We've had two pregnancies confirmed, only to have them end abruptly shortly after.

And what now? We did everything we could and it still isn't working.

My doctor doesn't seem to have any reason to change protocols. While the clinic has been professional and responsive, I'm done with their sterile factory environment. I'm just done.

I don't know what comes next. Do we do another IVF to collect more embryos? We've had mixed success with those in the past. It's expensive and painful. But what's the alternative?

We have one healthy embryo left. Do we transfer? Do we save it and try to get more? What can we change, if anything? I don't think they've created a test yet to tell me why I got pregnant and had great numbers but that the pregnancy spontaneously failed.

I don't know. 

I don't feel supported by the doctor. I don't have the tools to figure it out on my own. I don't have a direction to move in. I can't see with blurry vision through the tears. I can't see past the darkness yet.