Over before it began: PUPO no more

At the end of February we had our sixth transfer. As we'd agreed, my husband and I didn't tell anyone. True to our pact, I didn't tell family, friends, or post anything about it. I did write and I have about 12 unpublished drafts about the journey.

It was going well until yesterday evening just after 5:00 pm when I started bleeding. It started with a huge gush of heavy, bright red blood and followed by large clots. There was absolutely no warning at all. Even though it was the first time that has happened, I knew immediately it was the end. I called the after hours emergency line and the nurse said to stay hydrated and come in in the morning. I didn't sleep all night and first thing this morning we went in to the clinic together. They took blood. Then they did an ultrasound. The doctor couldn't see a sac, and for how high my hcg was measuring it should have been showing clearly. It was all but over, we just needed to wait for blood results to confirm that hcg was dropping.

He couldn't explain why this pregnancy failed. He couldn't explain the massive bleed. He couldn't give me any reason for any of it. He wasn't unkind but he also didn't offer any reassurance or hope. Once again we were left alone in the room for me to get dressed and for us to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

When things were going well we couldn't believe it. We didn't talk about it, we didn't plan or dream or think ahead. We were just trying to take it one day at a time; one test at a time. Beta 1 came back at 686 on my birthday. It was a wonderful present. Beta 2 came back at 2738 on Monday, which was four days later and normal doubling time. Then, out of nowhere, on Tuesday 3/13 I started bleeding. It was immediately a lot and it was traumatic. The gory details are in one of the drafts I saved.

I'm not sure yet when I'll post the drafts. I want to but I don't think I'm ready. I felt it was important to preserve the timeline for multiple reasons. Some of the posts are just so full of hope and I don't know if I can read through them in prep for publishing. Maybe I'll just post the raw pieces, if at all.

I think we're done with this clinic. We transferred all our healthy embryos. We've signed forms to discard any nonviable ones that aren't getting transferred. We've given them three years of our lives, countless dollars, and seven tries. They had their chance and they blew it. Our account is clear and there's nothing holding us back from switching. Part of it feels like giving up. Part of it feels like a fresh start without all the baggage and terrible memories of the horrible news we kept getting. I'm not planning to make any major decisions before we have time to process but it helps me feel better to think ahead. I guess I'm not yet ready to give up on trying, as much as part of me wants this nightmare merry-go-round to end.

I got to work on time after dropping my husband off. I said eff it to my healthy eating and had coffee and cookies for breakfast. We're both so sad. We're doing normal things in the hopes that if we pretend everything is normal then the sadness won't wash over and engulf us. As my husband put it when I texted to check in on how he's doing: "mess packaged in pretty wrapper." The call came just after 1 pm. Levels dropped to 1237. It's officially over.

It hasn't really hit me. Maybe because I'm at work, trying to get through the day even though my mind is a million miles away. Maybe it will sink in when I have to tell my family of yet another loss. In the meantime I tear up and quickly regain composure before my face blotches over to the point of no return. My heart is heavy and truly it makes me most sad that my husband is sad. While logically I know it's not my fault because there was nothing in my control to change the outcome, I still can't help feel responsible that it's my body that keeps failing us. I'm the one who is supposed to carry our children, and for some reason my body keeps expelling them before they've had a chance at life. We've yet to see a live heartbeat on one of our transfers.

I know we'll be ok. I know we've been through this before and eventually felt hope again. But it gets harder with each loss. It gets harder with each healthy embryo lost. It gets harder when beta numbers grow stronger only to spontaneously abort without any reason. We've literally tried every single thing we were suggested. It's disheartening. It's depressing. It's discouraging. How much more can we go through? How many more cycles? How many more years? How much more money and heartache before we either succeed or give up?

Today I have no answers. Only sadness.

FET 4: Last beta

Bloodwork results from today showed hcg back at negative levels. This officially closes the chapter on FET 4. Goodbye forever, tiny embryo.

We're now on break from all treatment until after the year starts.

Envy management

In June, Savannah Guthrie on the TODAY show announced she was expecting her second child. I remember the date because later that day I got a call from my nurse telling me I was pregnant for the very first time in my life. Unfortunately, my pregnancy didn't continue past the week. A few days later Dylan Dreyer on the same show announced her pregnancy.

Fast forward to present day. In the interim 6 months, we went through a chemical pregnancy, two biopsies, and another failed transfer ending in the second chemical pregnancy.  Savannah and Dylan continued to show off their growing bumps daily along with web stories and baby-themed segments. Friday was Savannah's last day at work before going on maternity leave. Both she and Dylan are due in December.

Am I jealous? Probably at least a little bit. It seems like these women have it all: great career they enjoy, seemingly breezy fertility, beautiful wardrobes to get them through their changing bodies, and tons of money to support their growing families.

But in reality, I don't know what's going on behind the curtain. Savannah is going to be 45 at the end of the month, her husband is 48. She'll be in parent teacher conferences through her 50s while other parents same age are celebrating college graduations for their kids. So she's a little late to the game. I don't know what she's going through or what kind of struggles she faces. She's paid to paint a happy picture for the public because it sells ratings. Plus at her age I don't think it's far fetched to believe she had some assistance getting pregnant. Maybe if not the first time, possibly the second. I really can't judge, nor do I want to. Dylan talked on the show about how she and her husband talked about actually not wanting kids in the past. Then she turned 34 and changed her mind so they started trying and ta da! I love her personality and sweet demeanor. I'm jealous that it seemed so easy for her to get and stay pregnant but I don't hold it against her. Different people face different challenges. I only bring this up because their pregnancies are so public and I see them daily when I'm getting ready for work. I honestly wish both of them all the best.

I don't feel that just because I'm going through a tough time other people should too. I strongly believe that each person has their challenge. I have mine and I wouldn't want to trade it with anyone else. I just see that the same things we're struggling with are seemingly so easy for others and I pray for assistance with our path.

For the few weeks I was pregnant none of it bothered me. I didn't care seeing people's baby or sonogram pictures on facebook; I didn't mind taking a stroll and seeing people walking with their strollers; it didn't bother me to see baby bumps everywhere. I figured my time was around the corner - only a few short months until that was me too! It's amazing how much your current situation changes your mindset. And in hindsight, it was glorious to feel so content and at peace even with the constant anxiety simmering on the back burner.

To that end, it was part of the reason the last loss was such a big blow. It wasn't only that it didn't work. It was that we were left with no answers. We have no idea what caused the sudden drop in hcg so we basically have no clear idea of how to fix it.

I've been doing a lot of research and I'm finding out more information about lovenox and prednisone. It sounds like the shots are painful and there are precautions one needs to take while on them. It also sounds like they're an expensive option and insurance doesn't necessarily cover this therapy. Obviously if this is the answer then we'll find a way to make it work. Of course. But we don't know if it's the answer.  It gives me hope to read about people's experiences. One person in particular posted, "After multiple miscarriages, I tried lovenox despite not having any diagnosis that would warrant it and it worked."

It's reassuring to see other people overcoming their fertility issues and having healthy babies.  I need to remember that each person's journey is their own and mine will happen the way it's supposed to regardless of what's going on around me.

It might be the extra research, the fact that the toughest part of period from hell is behind us, or that I got out of PJs for the first time since Thursday (not the same ones; I did shower), but I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm hoping bloodwork and results tomorrow can help us close the chapter on this.

FET 4: Beta 4

It's the chemical pregnancy that just won't go away. Hcg level this morning was 5.4. Ugh.

In general I'm a pretty positive person so the depression hanging over me is heavily weighing me down. I want to move past this but it's just too soon. The fact that we can't close the chapter doesn't help. I have to go back on Monday to confirm levels go down to zero.

I've been trying to research things to ask the doctor at the next appointment. So far I'm planning to ask about lovonox and prednisone, though I'm seeing a lot of quite horrible side effects of these. What else? I don't know enough to know what to search for.

Spotting has started. I assume AF is right around the corner. Ibuprofen in large quantities is helping. I took off Friday. It was a really long week trying to keep a brave face at work. I need to be able to cry and grieve and sit with my heating pad and think about all the things that suck about this so that I can get it out of my system and move forward.

I know I'm not ready to give up. It's still fresh and actively happening and I already know that I'm willing to go through it again if it means a chance at success. I fully believe that whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and I need to do my part to get there.

I so appreciate the support we've been getting. It's not so much what people say, it's that they care so much. When they say something like, "I wish there was something I could do," it touches my heart to know how much they are invested in our success. Every voicemail, text message, email, or visit is another tether helping us carry this burden, easing the weight off our shoulders little by little. Even if I didn't respond I got it and appreciated it so much.

Time will help heel these wounds. Faith will strengthen us for next time. Hope will keep us going until it's time for our miracle.

Raw and emotional

Everything seems to be a trigger, like the mundane things people take for granted. The fb fall family photoshoots are a big trigger for me, to the point that I had to take a fb break.

I cry when I think of how great the numbers were and how suddenly and abruptly it ended. We couldn't do anything to save our baby.

It was lightly raining all day and at one point I noticed that the pre-school nearby took the kids out on a walk in their raincoats and rainboots. They were splashing in the puddles outside my office window and just being adorable enjoying themselves in the rain. It took all I had not to fall apart in a pool of tears right then and there.

I totally thought that the ERA was the silver bullet. When we got those results I thought we finally had an answer. Three FETs were gone but at least we had a solution - we learned that the transfer day was wrong and I thought it was the answer. It may have been the answer to one issue: implantation. We passed that phase because we got great numbers. It was keeping the pregnancy going that became the issue.

I've read online that people treat repeated miscarriages with meds like prednisone and lovonox. I don't know much about these meds other than the fact that it's an anti-inflammatory and a blood thinner. Is my body rejecting the embryo? Definitely something to ask the doc at the wtf appointment. I scheduled it for week after next when my husband has off and can come with me.

I started taking calls again. Earlier in the week when family or friends heard the news and called I let it go to voicemail. I just couldn't. I was ashamed and disappointed that I didn't have better news to chat about. But I appreciate the calls and it helps to talk to people, even if they do most of the talking because I can't through the silent sobs.

The stats talk about how there's an 85% chance of a live birth for every three transfers. We're at 0% for four transfers. It's all the more painful because we don't know WHY. We can't pinpoint a problem so we can't work to fix it.

I know He has a plan. I know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen in the right time. But it's hard to accept a plan that includes this much pain. It's difficult to hold on to hope when I feel like we're being punished, over and over. It gets so much harder after every loss.

Lost

Spent most of the evening crying on my husband's shoulder. It's the tough times that show a person's true colors and he's been nothing short of amazing.

I tried to think of next steps but I just couldn't. It's too overwhelming. What guarantee do I have it will ever work? What if I choose to walk away now? Four IVFs. Four FETs. Countless medications and shots. For what? What do we have to show for it? We're back at square one.

I'm tired. We've been at this so aggressively for nearly 18 months with back to back procedures and failed attempts. I'm tired of the failures. I'm tired of the crushing heartbreak.

Even as recently as June 2016 I was less jaded, having "only" had two failed FETs, before the chemical pregnancies started.

In the past six months I've gotten daily PIOs in my butt, painful and bruising intermuscular shots. Two ERA biopsies chomping on my uterine lining to get some answers. We've had two pregnancies confirmed, only to have them end abruptly shortly after.

And what now? We did everything we could and it still isn't working.

My doctor doesn't seem to have any reason to change protocols. While the clinic has been professional and responsive, I'm done with their sterile factory environment. I'm just done.

I don't know what comes next. Do we do another IVF to collect more embryos? We've had mixed success with those in the past. It's expensive and painful. But what's the alternative?

We have one healthy embryo left. Do we transfer? Do we save it and try to get more? What can we change, if anything? I don't think they've created a test yet to tell me why I got pregnant and had great numbers but that the pregnancy spontaneously failed.

I don't know. 

I don't feel supported by the doctor. I don't have the tools to figure it out on my own. I don't have a direction to move in. I can't see with blurry vision through the tears. I can't see past the darkness yet.

FET 4: Beta 3

Hcg levels are down to 26.

It's over.

Another chemical pregnancy.

I don't know why this keeps happening. Not sure what we did wrong. I don't know if there was anything we could have done differently.

I can't stop crying. I'm home for lunch break and I need to get back to the office soon, especially since I got in late from traffic and waiting over 40 min for bloodwork this morning.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know why this happened.