As of late afternoon yesterday, they were "still watching" 7 embryos. Yesterday's update came later than expected because they were waiting until today to biopsy the embryos, giving a few more a chance to grow.
We got the final result today and one embryo survived to Day 6 and was strong enough to biopsy. Saying I'm disappointed with that number is an overwhelming understatement. I knew we started out with less, but when we got Day 2 results that they still had 7 embryos, I was hoping for at least 3 or 4 to survive to biopsy day. Last time we sent 6 to get PGD tested - that's 6! Sure, none of them were good enough to transfer, but still!
I got the news at 1:56 PM today and had to immediately step into a 2:00 PM meeting. I'm getting better at not crying immediately after getting not great news from my clinic. Unfortunately this isn't the first time. I'm tired of not getting good news. I know I need to manage my expectations but this is so beyond, especially since we had nothing from IVF #2... so two failed cycles in a row? What is happening?
Here are the options now:
Option 1 - send off the Lone Embryo (LE) for PGD and pay the $2500 for testing. If a miracle happens and it's a healthy embryo, which is a 25% chance, then we transfer in April. There's a 90% chance it will survive the thaw and, if we get that far, there's a 40% chance it will stick. I don't need my MBA to know those aren't good odds. We would be relying on a lot of miracles to make this work... but on the other hand it only takes one, right?
Option 2 - do another fresh cycle in April and batch LE with new embryos, if any. PGD testing is the same price for up to 8 embryos so we would potentially save a testing fee. Issue with this is that it borders right around Pesach and the holiday prep is hard enough without trying to squeeze in an egg retrieval and recovery the week before. We're both ok with that, but it does complicate things. Neither my husband nor I want to wait until after Pesach to do another cycle, even if that means spending time in a hotel over the holiday. I'm glad we're on the same page about wanting to move things along.
If we go with Option 1, there's a 75% chance we'll get the results and it's not a healthy embryo so we can still do another fresh cycle but we'd be out $2500. If it is healthy and we do transfer it, there's a chance it won't stick and I don't know that I want to go into a third FET without anything in the freezer. I think I need that cushion to help with the mental game. If we go with Option 2 and there are no new embryos, then we've just wasted another cycle and two months. I'm obviously thinking worst case scenario but considering our track record, we kind of have to assume those.
At one point, while spacing out at my meeting, I started a cycle of thoroughly disturbing thoughts: What if this isn't meant to happen for us? What if we're not meant to have kids? What if we're just going to be those people who are constantly doing IVF cycles and never get results? At what point does it become an obsession/addiction and how much stim can my ovaries even handle? How much money are we going to sink into this, and what if at the end we're still not successful? Does the clinic have any incentive to get us pregnant if they keep making money off of our failures? Eventually I had to snap back to the meeting and put those foul thoughts on a back burner. But I know these are crazy thoughts. Tonight I'm sad and worried but I'm not nearly ready to give up. Even though I know the positivity will come roaring back tomorrow, I can't pretend the failures aren't devastating.
I've heard a bunch of good news from others today. One friend got promoted. A coworker finally got a contractor for her home renovations. A fb friend got engaged. A young neighbor friend got into their first-choice college. I'm hoping that another blogger got good news from her beta test. Romney bashed Trump.
I'd like to believe there's good news for us, hopefully soon. For tonight, I'm wallowing in my feelings with cookies, tears, and trashy TV.
Showing posts with label IVF #3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF #3. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Where's my update?
If we weren't doing PGD, today would be transfer day. Since we are doing PGD, instead of transferring we're supposed to find out how many embryos survived to today and whether they are strong enough to biopsy.
I'm starting to feel like myself again post-op. The majority of the bloating has gone down and I'm not exhausted. Throughout the entire recovery I only had to take Tylenol once because I overdid it too soon on Sunday morning and really felt awful.
While it's been on both our minds, I noticed I didn't want to bring it up during the past few days. We're just waiting, so why harp on the what if's? As soon as I'd think that, he would say something like, "So when are we supposed to hear back from them?" I'm glad I'm not the only one obsessing about it <3.
I'm worried that since we haven't heard yet it's automatically bad news. I hope that's not the case.
I'm starting to feel like myself again post-op. The majority of the bloating has gone down and I'm not exhausted. Throughout the entire recovery I only had to take Tylenol once because I overdid it too soon on Sunday morning and really felt awful.
While it's been on both our minds, I noticed I didn't want to bring it up during the past few days. We're just waiting, so why harp on the what if's? As soon as I'd think that, he would say something like, "So when are we supposed to hear back from them?" I'm glad I'm not the only one obsessing about it <3.
I'm worried that since we haven't heard yet it's automatically bad news. I hope that's not the case.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
IVF #3: Embryo update
Of the twelve eggs retrieved yesterday, eleven were mature. Seven were fertilized and survived to today. We want to stay positive but can't help feeling disappointed and worried about the low number.
IVF #1 we had 20 eggs > 9 fertilized > 4 survived to biopsy and PGD testing > 2 healthy embryos
(one transferred at FET #1, negative beta; the other transferred at FET #2, also negative beta)
IVF #2 we got 23 eggs > 13 fertilized > 6 survived to biopsy > 0 healthy to transfer
Logically, I know that it doesn't matter how many eggs are retrieved, rather what matters is how many come back from PGD testing as having tested healthy.
As for recovery, I'm doing ok from the egg retrieval. I felt sore as expected but not nearly as bad as previous times. Is it possible because I was expecting what was to come? Maybe because they retrieved less eggs so less poking down there? Maybe because we had Chinese food for dinner and all that sodium helped? Maybe the massage the night before? Maybe because I'm used to drinking so much water that it helped to flush things out? Who knows.
Whatever the reason, I'm happy recovery seems to be going smoothly. I'm not a fan of drug side effects so I try to avoid them, but in previous cycles I used one or two of the prescribed pain meds and then followed up with a day of round the clock Tylenol. This time I haven't even needed the Tylenol.
At this point we're discussing whether it might be better to "batch" the embryos and do another fresh cycle before sending them off for testing. To clarify, I want to discuss it and my husband prefers to wait and see what happens. I like discussing the what if's and he likes to deal with facts, so we agreed to table it until we hear back on day 5.
IVF #1 we had 20 eggs > 9 fertilized > 4 survived to biopsy and PGD testing > 2 healthy embryos
(one transferred at FET #1, negative beta; the other transferred at FET #2, also negative beta)
IVF #2 we got 23 eggs > 13 fertilized > 6 survived to biopsy > 0 healthy to transfer
Logically, I know that it doesn't matter how many eggs are retrieved, rather what matters is how many come back from PGD testing as having tested healthy.
As for recovery, I'm doing ok from the egg retrieval. I felt sore as expected but not nearly as bad as previous times. Is it possible because I was expecting what was to come? Maybe because they retrieved less eggs so less poking down there? Maybe because we had Chinese food for dinner and all that sodium helped? Maybe the massage the night before? Maybe because I'm used to drinking so much water that it helped to flush things out? Who knows.
Whatever the reason, I'm happy recovery seems to be going smoothly. I'm not a fan of drug side effects so I try to avoid them, but in previous cycles I used one or two of the prescribed pain meds and then followed up with a day of round the clock Tylenol. This time I haven't even needed the Tylenol.
At this point we're discussing whether it might be better to "batch" the embryos and do another fresh cycle before sending them off for testing. To clarify, I want to discuss it and my husband prefers to wait and see what happens. I like discussing the what if's and he likes to deal with facts, so we agreed to table it until we hear back on day 5.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Egg Retrieval
There were a few bumps along the way this morning (sample collection from him, transportation to clinic, etc.) but luckily nothing too bad. We arrived on time, got checked in, signed paperwork, and everything was going ok. Moment of truth when they checked my blood pressure and it was totally normal. I get high readings in doctors offices so it always skews the numbers, but I'd like to believe yesterday's massage may have helped relax me.
The anesthesiologist tried to be a hero and attempted a different vein even after I told him there's only one that cooperates. Of course the first place he tried didn't work. He went back to The Vein they've been bleeding dry for the past two weeks and it worked on the first try. He was good natured and knew what he was doing. At one point my doctor came in while they were getting the IV set up and they were joking with us and each other - my cube became a party.
I love that the clinic is so efficient. They got me set up and ready to go. Seconds later, or what felt like it, I was back in recovery. As soon as I woke up I felt sharp stabbing pain I hadn't had the first two times. I couldn't help it and started tearing up. My nurse gave me pain meds and more heating pads which helped make it better almost immediately.
They retrieved 12 eggs. More tears.
Just 12?
Last time it was 23.
I knew the bloodwork was low.
Would it have been different if we waited a day? Doc said no.
My husband made me feel better by saying that it only takes one, which is true. He also reminded me that last time we may have had 23 eggs retrieved but none to transfer, so what does that number matter anyway. Truth.
What's meant to be will be. If I have to do it again, so be it.
The anesthesiologist tried to be a hero and attempted a different vein even after I told him there's only one that cooperates. Of course the first place he tried didn't work. He went back to The Vein they've been bleeding dry for the past two weeks and it worked on the first try. He was good natured and knew what he was doing. At one point my doctor came in while they were getting the IV set up and they were joking with us and each other - my cube became a party.
I love that the clinic is so efficient. They got me set up and ready to go. Seconds later, or what felt like it, I was back in recovery. As soon as I woke up I felt sharp stabbing pain I hadn't had the first two times. I couldn't help it and started tearing up. My nurse gave me pain meds and more heating pads which helped make it better almost immediately.
They retrieved 12 eggs. More tears.
Just 12?
Last time it was 23.
I knew the bloodwork was low.
Would it have been different if we waited a day? Doc said no.
My husband made me feel better by saying that it only takes one, which is true. He also reminded me that last time we may have had 23 eggs retrieved but none to transfer, so what does that number matter anyway. Truth.
What's meant to be will be. If I have to do it again, so be it.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Day 13: Trigger
Follicles measured large enough at today's ultrasound, and bloodwork confirmed, that I'm ready to trigger tonight, which means Friday retrieval. While I'm happy we're avoiding a Saturday retrieval, this means I'm missing a major meeting on Friday to take off work. I haven't mentioned treatment to anyone at work so I have to take a random sick day which makes me seem flakey. I'm not complaining; this is still the better case scenario.
I have to take the HCG shot at 11:45 PM tonight. Since it's way later than I'm used to staying up, I'm setting two alarms. As previously mentioned, I made up my mind to try a massage before the retrieval so I'm sticking to my word. I did some research, found a few recommendations, and scheduled a massage for tomorrow evening.
I'm nervous for the retrieval. I'm worried about going under anesthesia, making sure vitals like BP are ok, getting enough eggs, the quality, etc. My bloodwork measured lower than last time but if they said I'm ready then I just have to trust it, right?
I have to take the HCG shot at 11:45 PM tonight. Since it's way later than I'm used to staying up, I'm setting two alarms. As previously mentioned, I made up my mind to try a massage before the retrieval so I'm sticking to my word. I did some research, found a few recommendations, and scheduled a massage for tomorrow evening.
I'm nervous for the retrieval. I'm worried about going under anesthesia, making sure vitals like BP are ok, getting enough eggs, the quality, etc. My bloodwork measured lower than last time but if they said I'm ready then I just have to trust it, right?
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Day 12
Ugh. Just ugh.
Went back for bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. There was no snow like they predicted, but it was raining which somehow translated into terrible traffic. The traffic caused me to be 15 min late to my appointment which bumped me to the back of the line. It took over an hour to get out of there, including 3 sticks to get blood. I was over an hour late to work.
As it stands now my nurse estimates trigger on Thursday, putting the egg retrieval on Saturday. We would prefer not to do a retrieval on Saturday and even though I know that they can't control it, I figured I'd ask anyway. She assured me that they will avoid Saturday as long as it doesn't jeopardize the cycle which is what I wanted to hear.
According to halacha it's preferable to avoid having this procedure done on Shabbat, but when we spoke to the rabbi he said that if it's unavoidable then it's permissible to have it done assuming we ourselves don't purposely break Shabbat. That means no driving to/from the clinic so it helps that there's a hotel within walking distance.
There's still a chance trigger might be tomorrow night or even Friday night, putting the retrieval on Friday or Sunday. I ran out of meds after today's dosage so I placed another order so I have enough for another 4 days, just in case.
The Cetrotide bruises and the Menopur burns. I'm anxious about forgetting a shot or an appointment so it's always on my mind. I'm bloated from the meds and I constantly have to pee because I'm trying to stay hydrated for the bloodwork. I'm exhausted and distracted, and can't stop the negative what if's rolling around my head on a mental hamster wheel. Even with all that, I feel that I have no right to complain, especially when others are suffering so much, like dealing with a devastating setback or remembering a heartbreaking anniversary. What are my complaints in comparison? I don't even know these women and my heart aches for their pain.
Does it suck to have to go through this whole process? Sure. But if I have to go through it, I'd rather try to stay hopeful, keep an upbeat attitude, and focus on the positive. I'm lucky the clinic is close enough that I can make it every morning and still get to work reasonably on time. I'm lucky that the medication is easily accessible and gets delivered to my door. I feel lucky and grateful that we have access to this care and can afford it.
Went back for bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. There was no snow like they predicted, but it was raining which somehow translated into terrible traffic. The traffic caused me to be 15 min late to my appointment which bumped me to the back of the line. It took over an hour to get out of there, including 3 sticks to get blood. I was over an hour late to work.
As it stands now my nurse estimates trigger on Thursday, putting the egg retrieval on Saturday. We would prefer not to do a retrieval on Saturday and even though I know that they can't control it, I figured I'd ask anyway. She assured me that they will avoid Saturday as long as it doesn't jeopardize the cycle which is what I wanted to hear.
According to halacha it's preferable to avoid having this procedure done on Shabbat, but when we spoke to the rabbi he said that if it's unavoidable then it's permissible to have it done assuming we ourselves don't purposely break Shabbat. That means no driving to/from the clinic so it helps that there's a hotel within walking distance.
There's still a chance trigger might be tomorrow night or even Friday night, putting the retrieval on Friday or Sunday. I ran out of meds after today's dosage so I placed another order so I have enough for another 4 days, just in case.
The Cetrotide bruises and the Menopur burns. I'm anxious about forgetting a shot or an appointment so it's always on my mind. I'm bloated from the meds and I constantly have to pee because I'm trying to stay hydrated for the bloodwork. I'm exhausted and distracted, and can't stop the negative what if's rolling around my head on a mental hamster wheel. Even with all that, I feel that I have no right to complain, especially when others are suffering so much, like dealing with a devastating setback or remembering a heartbreaking anniversary. What are my complaints in comparison? I don't even know these women and my heart aches for their pain.
Does it suck to have to go through this whole process? Sure. But if I have to go through it, I'd rather try to stay hopeful, keep an upbeat attitude, and focus on the positive. I'm lucky the clinic is close enough that I can make it every morning and still get to work reasonably on time. I'm lucky that the medication is easily accessible and gets delivered to my door. I feel lucky and grateful that we have access to this care and can afford it.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Day 10
No-fuss monitoring today! I made sure to drink plenty of water all day yesterday in addition to 32 oz. this morning as I was getting ready. Yesterday I got an automated e-mail reminder from my clinic reminding me that weekends tend to have longer wait times and to arrive within 15 min of my scheduled appointment. It's true; in the past when I had to come in on a weekend or a holiday for monitoring, the entire waiting room of 50+ chairs was full and the wait time was over 45 min to be seen. This morning I arrived at 7:35 AM for a 7:45 AM appointment and was out the door and back in my car by 8:10 AM. It seems as though they hired extra staff to help move things along. When I came in the waiting room was reasonable, but as I was leaving it was getting crowded. I was happy to get out before the rush.
Follicles look good with largest one at 15 mm. They're aiming for largest ones measuring 18-20 mm before triggering, so I still have a few days of stims. When I got the call with results this afternoon, I was told to start Cetrotide this afternoon, as opposed to starting it the next morning as in previous cycles. The way it stands now, my nurse guestimated about three more days of stims, though I'm not sure if she was counting today. Following up with bloodwork again on Tuesday, and of course the weather is calling for some snow/ice/rain mix in the morning. After the Tuesday appointment they'll know more of an accurate timeline so I'll know whether I need to reorder meds. It always gets tricky this time in the cycle because you don't want to run out but you also don't want to unnecessarily order extras.
I was thinking about how embryos from this cycle would be a fresh start for us. The last two FETs were frozen from IVF #1 and while they were both strong blastocysts that tested normally for PGD, neither stuck even though "everything looked fine" with regard to lining, etc. It got me thinking that maybe IVF #1 was a bust and all embryos from it were somehow tainted so it's good we only had two and are now getting a fresh batch.
With IVF #2, I had a master plan all laid out: get new embryos to test and store in the freezer for future babies, and do an FET transfer on the second embryo from IVF #1 on day 5 -- basically doing IVF and FET back-to-back without waiting in between, since the embryo had already been genetically tested. This plan failed miserably: not only did we not get any new embryos to transfer from IVF #2, but the FET also didn't stick and we were literally back to square one. Just goes to show that you can plan all you want, but if it's not part of His plan it's all for naught.
I'm hoping and praying we are more successful this time around, not only with the IVF but also with the FET. I want to believe that we are doing everything we possibly can on our part to make this a successful cycle. I'm even watching my exercise and food intake carefully. Jenna Wolfe's new book, Thinner in 30, has a few tips on how to make small changes that make a big difference. I read it over the weekend and have decided to adopt 3 of her tips:
I believe that willpower is a finite resource that you use up throughout the day, as opposed to what others believe that it's like a muscle and the more you use it the stronger it is. If I have to spend my willpower being good all day and watching what I eat and do, I have no energy left at the end of the day to make good choices and if there's nothing readily available, we resort to junk food or take out.
Follicles look good with largest one at 15 mm. They're aiming for largest ones measuring 18-20 mm before triggering, so I still have a few days of stims. When I got the call with results this afternoon, I was told to start Cetrotide this afternoon, as opposed to starting it the next morning as in previous cycles. The way it stands now, my nurse guestimated about three more days of stims, though I'm not sure if she was counting today. Following up with bloodwork again on Tuesday, and of course the weather is calling for some snow/ice/rain mix in the morning. After the Tuesday appointment they'll know more of an accurate timeline so I'll know whether I need to reorder meds. It always gets tricky this time in the cycle because you don't want to run out but you also don't want to unnecessarily order extras.
I was thinking about how embryos from this cycle would be a fresh start for us. The last two FETs were frozen from IVF #1 and while they were both strong blastocysts that tested normally for PGD, neither stuck even though "everything looked fine" with regard to lining, etc. It got me thinking that maybe IVF #1 was a bust and all embryos from it were somehow tainted so it's good we only had two and are now getting a fresh batch.
With IVF #2, I had a master plan all laid out: get new embryos to test and store in the freezer for future babies, and do an FET transfer on the second embryo from IVF #1 on day 5 -- basically doing IVF and FET back-to-back without waiting in between, since the embryo had already been genetically tested. This plan failed miserably: not only did we not get any new embryos to transfer from IVF #2, but the FET also didn't stick and we were literally back to square one. Just goes to show that you can plan all you want, but if it's not part of His plan it's all for naught.
I'm hoping and praying we are more successful this time around, not only with the IVF but also with the FET. I want to believe that we are doing everything we possibly can on our part to make this a successful cycle. I'm even watching my exercise and food intake carefully. Jenna Wolfe's new book, Thinner in 30, has a few tips on how to make small changes that make a big difference. I read it over the weekend and have decided to adopt 3 of her tips:
- Drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces over the course of the day. If you weigh 160 lbs, that would be 160/2 = 80 oz. I can drink that much water in a day but only if I'm mindful and keep refilling my cup.
- Take 10,000 steps a day. It seems simple, but because I work at a desk job I have to remind myself to take breaks to stretch and stand up so this would be a good motivator. I have a pedometer app on my phone which might not be so accurate but it's a good enough estimate. If I don't work out, I average about 5,000 steps, so I have to pay attention to adding the difference.
- Plan and prepare your meals in the beginning of the week. This is such a no-brainer and the weeks that I've done it in the past have been successful. It takes time and effort which is the last thing I want to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Even so, a little planning can go such a long way in setting us up for success the entire week. Knowing the ingredients are in the house and that we've already agreed on what we're eating makes dinner prep so much easier.
I believe that willpower is a finite resource that you use up throughout the day, as opposed to what others believe that it's like a muscle and the more you use it the stronger it is. If I have to spend my willpower being good all day and watching what I eat and do, I have no energy left at the end of the day to make good choices and if there's nothing readily available, we resort to junk food or take out.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Day 8
Monitoring today was less than fabulous. The doc on-call today is known for being on time but less gentle. He rushed through the measurements and when he couldn't get a good pic of the right ovary immediately he kind of pressed down on my belly while getting the wand in place. Very uncomfortable and mildly painful.
Bloodwork was the next challenge. My favorite phlebotomist who had never failed me wasn't able to get my one vein working. Since it's the only one that works they've been bleeding it dry all week and it's starting to get bruised. She stuck me once and nothing was coming out so she tagged out and let the other person take over. The other person was more experienced and tried to see if any other veins would work but eventually she came back to the original spot and stuck me there again. Luckily it worked and that was the end of it, but it seems like no matter what I do, it gets tougher to give blood every time.
Now I'm waiting to hear back results and as of 12:30 PM still nothing but that's not unusual. If things follow the same path as the last two cycles, I'll probably be starting the anti-ovulation meds tomorrow on day 9. I've taken Cetrotide or Ganirellix in the past and I hate them because they burn and it's another shot at another time of the day. Bookending the day with needles sucks, but at least that means we're getting closer to the retrieval. I still don't have a date for when it is, but I placed another order for medication because I only had enough to last through tomorrow, and I know it'll be longer than that.
Along my research for acupuncture/massage/relaxation, I found various sources talking about keeping your feet warm after a transfer. It was interesting to see that it was a common suggestion across multiple articles regardless of what they were advocating for otherwise. My feet are normally freezing, even with socks on. Even though that's comfortable for me, it's something I can definitely control easily and have no problem trying out.
I went on Amazon and looked for heated slipper boots. I didn't find any, but wouldn't that be a cool invention? Instead, I invested in a pair of cozy fun slippers, pictured below. I also got a pair for my husband in a more mild pattern so we can have warm feet together. I wanted something I can easily get in and out of bed/couch with so these seemed to work. I love fun slippers and these make me happy.
I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but the bloating and other symptoms are reminding me of last cycle where we ended up with nothing. I'm trying not to be bummed out but I feel like if I expect the worst it might not hurt as much if that's what ends up happening. For starters, it's unlikely that it will affect the disappointment at all. Beside that, it's clearly a defense mechanism and I know I need to cut it out. We're going out for dinner tonight so spending time with other people (with wine and possibly some candy) should help clear out of this Ramona Raincloud fog.
Update 3:20 PM: Got the call back from my nurse and I was wrong about starting Ganirellix. They're keeping me at the same dosage for tonight and tomorrow with bloodwork/US scheduled again for Sunday.
Shabbat shalom!
Bloodwork was the next challenge. My favorite phlebotomist who had never failed me wasn't able to get my one vein working. Since it's the only one that works they've been bleeding it dry all week and it's starting to get bruised. She stuck me once and nothing was coming out so she tagged out and let the other person take over. The other person was more experienced and tried to see if any other veins would work but eventually she came back to the original spot and stuck me there again. Luckily it worked and that was the end of it, but it seems like no matter what I do, it gets tougher to give blood every time.
Now I'm waiting to hear back results and as of 12:30 PM still nothing but that's not unusual. If things follow the same path as the last two cycles, I'll probably be starting the anti-ovulation meds tomorrow on day 9. I've taken Cetrotide or Ganirellix in the past and I hate them because they burn and it's another shot at another time of the day. Bookending the day with needles sucks, but at least that means we're getting closer to the retrieval. I still don't have a date for when it is, but I placed another order for medication because I only had enough to last through tomorrow, and I know it'll be longer than that.
Along my research for acupuncture/massage/relaxation, I found various sources talking about keeping your feet warm after a transfer. It was interesting to see that it was a common suggestion across multiple articles regardless of what they were advocating for otherwise. My feet are normally freezing, even with socks on. Even though that's comfortable for me, it's something I can definitely control easily and have no problem trying out.
I went on Amazon and looked for heated slipper boots. I didn't find any, but wouldn't that be a cool invention? Instead, I invested in a pair of cozy fun slippers, pictured below. I also got a pair for my husband in a more mild pattern so we can have warm feet together. I wanted something I can easily get in and out of bed/couch with so these seemed to work. I love fun slippers and these make me happy.
I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic, but the bloating and other symptoms are reminding me of last cycle where we ended up with nothing. I'm trying not to be bummed out but I feel like if I expect the worst it might not hurt as much if that's what ends up happening. For starters, it's unlikely that it will affect the disappointment at all. Beside that, it's clearly a defense mechanism and I know I need to cut it out. We're going out for dinner tonight so spending time with other people (with wine and possibly some candy) should help clear out of this Ramona Raincloud fog.
Update 3:20 PM: Got the call back from my nurse and I was wrong about starting Ganirellix. They're keeping me at the same dosage for tonight and tomorrow with bloodwork/US scheduled again for Sunday.
Shabbat shalom!
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Day 7
I started feeling crampy toward the end of the day. The meds feel like they're really starting to kick in and bloating has fully settled in. I forgot this part of the cycle, where you feel like you're holding two grapefruits as ovaries. At least the headaches are gone, thanks to the new eye drops.
I'm trying to figure out when egg retrieval will be so I can plan for it, but I know that it depends on how I respond to meds. As it stands right now I'm estimating it can be anywhere from Thursday to Sunday. I hope it's not on Saturday, but I also hope it's not on Friday because I have a major meeting on Friday morning. It can't be rescheduled because it includes 30+ people so I would have to just call in sick. I don't like doing it, but it is what it is.
As for acupuncture, I was able to finally talk to the acupuncturist after playing multiple rounds of phone tag. She gave me a lot of information and what I gathered from it is that I don't think it's for me. She suggested a once/week regimen and said most people do it for 3 - 6 months before they even start IVF. She doesn't have Sunday or evening appointments (until after a transfer, weird rule) so that would mean I'd have to take off time from work to get it done, which includes 20 min driving in each direction to her office, and the hour of the session. She also doesn't accept my insurance.
When I asked the monitoring doctor about her recommendation about acupuncture, she chose her words carefully and basically said that a lot of patients find it relaxing and because they are more relaxed they see higher success rates. She made sure to clarify that it's not medically necessary but if it makes me feel better they support it 100%.
The acupuncturist mentioned that it's helpful for balancing hormones, helping the ovaries reduce in size after a retrieval, etc. All the things she's mentioned aren't issues for me. We've had beautiful, strong embryos. The problem is that they didn't stick the past two times. Realistically speaking, in the "real world," people don't try two months in a row and then decide something is wrong if they're still not pregnant. IVF raises the rates but it's not a guarantee of anything.
I can get on board with adding a relaxation routine to my life, but I don't think it has to be acupuncture. There's massage, yoga, exercise, meditation, and probably other things I'm not thinking of. I've never had a massage before but I did a little research and there's a great place right near me with evening and weekend appointments. Beside that I've read that massage can help lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and relieve muscle tension. To me that sounds like a lot of the same benefits that acupuncture boasts.
As soon as I find out when the egg retrieval is schedule for, I will plan to get a massage the day before. If I like it, I'll schedule one for the day before or day of the FET transfer, assuming we have something to transfer.
I'm trying to figure out when egg retrieval will be so I can plan for it, but I know that it depends on how I respond to meds. As it stands right now I'm estimating it can be anywhere from Thursday to Sunday. I hope it's not on Saturday, but I also hope it's not on Friday because I have a major meeting on Friday morning. It can't be rescheduled because it includes 30+ people so I would have to just call in sick. I don't like doing it, but it is what it is.
As for acupuncture, I was able to finally talk to the acupuncturist after playing multiple rounds of phone tag. She gave me a lot of information and what I gathered from it is that I don't think it's for me. She suggested a once/week regimen and said most people do it for 3 - 6 months before they even start IVF. She doesn't have Sunday or evening appointments (until after a transfer, weird rule) so that would mean I'd have to take off time from work to get it done, which includes 20 min driving in each direction to her office, and the hour of the session. She also doesn't accept my insurance.
When I asked the monitoring doctor about her recommendation about acupuncture, she chose her words carefully and basically said that a lot of patients find it relaxing and because they are more relaxed they see higher success rates. She made sure to clarify that it's not medically necessary but if it makes me feel better they support it 100%.
The acupuncturist mentioned that it's helpful for balancing hormones, helping the ovaries reduce in size after a retrieval, etc. All the things she's mentioned aren't issues for me. We've had beautiful, strong embryos. The problem is that they didn't stick the past two times. Realistically speaking, in the "real world," people don't try two months in a row and then decide something is wrong if they're still not pregnant. IVF raises the rates but it's not a guarantee of anything.
I can get on board with adding a relaxation routine to my life, but I don't think it has to be acupuncture. There's massage, yoga, exercise, meditation, and probably other things I'm not thinking of. I've never had a massage before but I did a little research and there's a great place right near me with evening and weekend appointments. Beside that I've read that massage can help lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and relieve muscle tension. To me that sounds like a lot of the same benefits that acupuncture boasts.
As soon as I find out when the egg retrieval is schedule for, I will plan to get a massage the day before. If I like it, I'll schedule one for the day before or day of the FET transfer, assuming we have something to transfer.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Day 6
A few quick updates:
IVF: We're moving along! Today's monitoring included bloodwork and ultrasound. Meds upped again and I'm scheduled for another appointment on Friday.
Eyes: In other news, I also had my eye appointment and apparently I have dry eyes. I got some eye drops and the symptoms were better almost immediately. She suggested to take them every few hours for a week so I'll give it a try.
Acupuncture: I'm looking into more information. I've heard from some people that acupuncture helped them relax throughout the cycling process which led to successful transfers and pregnancies. I know acupuncture isn't a miracle, and if it was required as part of the transfer process it would be part of my treatment plan. I'm not a stressed person and I have a pretty positive attitude. Even so, it's a stressful process so acupuncture can't hurt, right? It costs $140 for the first session and $90 for each session after that. It's not covered by insurance. So is it worth it for "can't hurt?" I'm not sure.
Home décor: We're having a hard time tracking down a contractor to do our basement. We have two we're vetting but so far we haven't been able to nail down a date. It's the first phase of major house decorating so it's annoying that it's being held up. New update on that soon.
Looking ahead: Pesach prep is going to be right around a potential FET. We usually have guests stay over and I don't know if it's a good idea this year. Best case it will be right at the beginning of a preg; worst case... we'll be grieving another negative beta. I don't know the answer but I'll explore more in a future post.
IVF: We're moving along! Today's monitoring included bloodwork and ultrasound. Meds upped again and I'm scheduled for another appointment on Friday.
Eyes: In other news, I also had my eye appointment and apparently I have dry eyes. I got some eye drops and the symptoms were better almost immediately. She suggested to take them every few hours for a week so I'll give it a try.
Acupuncture: I'm looking into more information. I've heard from some people that acupuncture helped them relax throughout the cycling process which led to successful transfers and pregnancies. I know acupuncture isn't a miracle, and if it was required as part of the transfer process it would be part of my treatment plan. I'm not a stressed person and I have a pretty positive attitude. Even so, it's a stressful process so acupuncture can't hurt, right? It costs $140 for the first session and $90 for each session after that. It's not covered by insurance. So is it worth it for "can't hurt?" I'm not sure.
Home décor: We're having a hard time tracking down a contractor to do our basement. We have two we're vetting but so far we haven't been able to nail down a date. It's the first phase of major house decorating so it's annoying that it's being held up. New update on that soon.
Looking ahead: Pesach prep is going to be right around a potential FET. We usually have guests stay over and I don't know if it's a good idea this year. Best case it will be right at the beginning of a preg; worst case... we'll be grieving another negative beta. I don't know the answer but I'll explore more in a future post.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Day 4
Snow again!
Second time I've had to go in for bloodwork where the roads were covered in white. Luckily it's President's Day so schools were closed which meant less traffic. I was prepared to Uber it if I felt uncomfortable driving but thankfully the roads weren't too bad and I was able to get to and from the clinic without traffic issues.
I went in for day 4 monitoring. I made sure to drink lots and lots of water last night and this morning. As soon as I woke up I chugged a bottle of water and that unsettled my stomach a little. Note to self: don't chug cold water at 6:30 AM. It seems to have done the trick, though, because the bloodwork part was easy and quick. Things are so much simpler when the veins cooperate.
Ultrasound was next and things look ok. Cyst that they saw at the baseline appointment seems to have gone away, so yay for that. I got the call from my nurse already with results (have I mentioned I love my new nurse?) and they're upping the meds, as expected.
Other than the aforementioned nausea I'm not feeling many noticeable symptoms. I am getting a headache every so often which is unusual for me. Probably related, my eyes have been bothering me also. It seems like they are puffy and stuff gets trapped in them but when I look in there there's nothing. I work a lot with Excel spreadsheets so it's possible they're strained. I also find myself squinting when it's really bright in a room or outside, something that never used to bother me. It's almost as though my Rx is no longer right for me, like it's too strong, even though I've been wearing glasses since elementary school. Is it related to the IVF treatment? Who knows. I made an appointment with the eye doc to check it out.
Second time I've had to go in for bloodwork where the roads were covered in white. Luckily it's President's Day so schools were closed which meant less traffic. I was prepared to Uber it if I felt uncomfortable driving but thankfully the roads weren't too bad and I was able to get to and from the clinic without traffic issues.
I went in for day 4 monitoring. I made sure to drink lots and lots of water last night and this morning. As soon as I woke up I chugged a bottle of water and that unsettled my stomach a little. Note to self: don't chug cold water at 6:30 AM. It seems to have done the trick, though, because the bloodwork part was easy and quick. Things are so much simpler when the veins cooperate.
Ultrasound was next and things look ok. Cyst that they saw at the baseline appointment seems to have gone away, so yay for that. I got the call from my nurse already with results (have I mentioned I love my new nurse?) and they're upping the meds, as expected.
Other than the aforementioned nausea I'm not feeling many noticeable symptoms. I am getting a headache every so often which is unusual for me. Probably related, my eyes have been bothering me also. It seems like they are puffy and stuff gets trapped in them but when I look in there there's nothing. I work a lot with Excel spreadsheets so it's possible they're strained. I also find myself squinting when it's really bright in a room or outside, something that never used to bother me. It's almost as though my Rx is no longer right for me, like it's too strong, even though I've been wearing glasses since elementary school. Is it related to the IVF treatment? Who knows. I made an appointment with the eye doc to check it out.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Stims
Today is the first night of stims. I'm starting with Menopur and Gonal-F. I've done this before and I know what to expect, but this time starting seems more overwhelming. Starting shots means the end of the "break." It means bloating and mood swings and nausea. At the end of the two weeks, if I'm lucky, there's an egg retrieval which means recovery and anxiety and pain.
I'm excited and scared. There are two possible outcomes each on very opposite sides of the spectrum. Success means pregnancy which signifies the start of our family and the culmination of a long time trying. Lack of success means another failed cycle. I've been there and knowing the devastating heartache and what it's like makes me almost not want to try again. It almost makes me not want to want it as bad. Rejection, failure, disappointment... everything negative. But if you don't try, you don't get the highs of the possible success. It's worth a try.
It's been exactly eight weeks since we go the news that the second cycle failed and we got the negative beta. Eight weeks minus two days since we got the results of the PGD and found out that none of the six embryos from the second egg retrieval were transferable. We had eight weeks to recover. It started with grieving over the loss of potential, the loss of the cycle, the money wasted. Once the new year started, we were hopeful again. We were ready to try again and with the insurance drama keeping me busy I didn't really think much of the specifics of this new cycle.
After the go-ahead from the baseline appointment earlier this week, we are ready to start shots tonight and it makes it real. This is happening again and after all the time we waited it's happening now. Two weeks of stims, followed by two weeks of recovery waiting for my period, followed by two weeks of PIO before a potential FET, assuming there's something to transfer from this cycle.
I've never wanted something so much that's beyond my control. I just want to know that it can work. I believe everything is up to Hashem but I also believe that I have the ability to do my part. When I wanted a better job, I quit my old one and found a new one. When I wanted a degree, I worked hard in school and earned it. When we were looking for a house, I did the legwork and found the house we bought. It's so clear that this is completely beyond my control because the clinic is doing everything they can - we just need Hashem to take over and let nature do its thing. We have a strong support system with so many people rooting for us to succeed. I don't want another failure. I want to share good news. Hoping and having high expectations are part of the package. It's the hope that gets crushed at the failure, but it's also the hope that fuels the ability to do this more than once. So I keep hoping and work on a positive attitude as we start this fresh cycle.
I really hope it works this time and we have a successful transfer, an uncomplicated pregnancy, and a healthy baby. As I prepare for candle lighting tonight, I wonder if this time next year we might have an extra little candle.
I'm excited and scared. There are two possible outcomes each on very opposite sides of the spectrum. Success means pregnancy which signifies the start of our family and the culmination of a long time trying. Lack of success means another failed cycle. I've been there and knowing the devastating heartache and what it's like makes me almost not want to try again. It almost makes me not want to want it as bad. Rejection, failure, disappointment... everything negative. But if you don't try, you don't get the highs of the possible success. It's worth a try.
It's been exactly eight weeks since we go the news that the second cycle failed and we got the negative beta. Eight weeks minus two days since we got the results of the PGD and found out that none of the six embryos from the second egg retrieval were transferable. We had eight weeks to recover. It started with grieving over the loss of potential, the loss of the cycle, the money wasted. Once the new year started, we were hopeful again. We were ready to try again and with the insurance drama keeping me busy I didn't really think much of the specifics of this new cycle.
After the go-ahead from the baseline appointment earlier this week, we are ready to start shots tonight and it makes it real. This is happening again and after all the time we waited it's happening now. Two weeks of stims, followed by two weeks of recovery waiting for my period, followed by two weeks of PIO before a potential FET, assuming there's something to transfer from this cycle.
I've never wanted something so much that's beyond my control. I just want to know that it can work. I believe everything is up to Hashem but I also believe that I have the ability to do my part. When I wanted a better job, I quit my old one and found a new one. When I wanted a degree, I worked hard in school and earned it. When we were looking for a house, I did the legwork and found the house we bought. It's so clear that this is completely beyond my control because the clinic is doing everything they can - we just need Hashem to take over and let nature do its thing. We have a strong support system with so many people rooting for us to succeed. I don't want another failure. I want to share good news. Hoping and having high expectations are part of the package. It's the hope that gets crushed at the failure, but it's also the hope that fuels the ability to do this more than once. So I keep hoping and work on a positive attitude as we start this fresh cycle.
I really hope it works this time and we have a successful transfer, an uncomplicated pregnancy, and a healthy baby. As I prepare for candle lighting tonight, I wonder if this time next year we might have an extra little candle.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Baseline: IVF #3
We were financially cleared to get started and had the baseline appointment today. There was a question of whether I'd be able to get to the clinic this morning because the forecast was predicting 6 - 9" of snow on the ground this morning. Thankfully, it ended up being a lot less at under an inch and I got the clinic without any incidents.
I'm always unsure how to act around people in the elevator. Obviously we're going to the same floor, it's the only office open this early in the morning. There's always a hushed tone in the waiting room, also. Even couples who come in together whisper to each other. I'm not sure why, but that's the vibe.
We ended up getting our answer late last night about the self-pay rate being ruled in our favor. We were so happy with the news. I, especially, needed a win. I felt like it was my fault for not reading the fine print more carefully on my new insurance. I wanted this to go our way so that we could regain some faith in the systems our clinic has. We're happy with how it worked out.
I went in for weighing first and BMI was ok, then ultrasound came next. She said everything was "quiet" as it should be, but measured a tiny cyst, which I was told was nothing to worry about so I won't. I wish it wasn't there but if they said not to worry, I won't but I have a feeling it's not the last we've heard of it.
Bloodwork came after that. I used to find the bloodwork part so easy but that was before my veins decided to declare mutiny. I have one vein that works and all the others are hiding. So if the cooperative vein is having a bad day, drawing blood gets complicated. I try to stay hydrated when going in for these appointments but for some reason today it wasn't cooperating. She got the needle in but nothing was coming out. The person I had was really good so I trusted her with it. Instead of taking out the needle entirely she took it out a little and readjusted. It took about three other readjustments but finally the vein cooperated.
My nurse called with the results and dosage in the afternoon. Here we go.
Happy Rosh Chodesh Adar I - may it be a month of happiness and success.
I'm always unsure how to act around people in the elevator. Obviously we're going to the same floor, it's the only office open this early in the morning. There's always a hushed tone in the waiting room, also. Even couples who come in together whisper to each other. I'm not sure why, but that's the vibe.
We ended up getting our answer late last night about the self-pay rate being ruled in our favor. We were so happy with the news. I, especially, needed a win. I felt like it was my fault for not reading the fine print more carefully on my new insurance. I wanted this to go our way so that we could regain some faith in the systems our clinic has. We're happy with how it worked out.
I went in for weighing first and BMI was ok, then ultrasound came next. She said everything was "quiet" as it should be, but measured a tiny cyst, which I was told was nothing to worry about so I won't. I wish it wasn't there but if they said not to worry, I won't but I have a feeling it's not the last we've heard of it.
Bloodwork came after that. I used to find the bloodwork part so easy but that was before my veins decided to declare mutiny. I have one vein that works and all the others are hiding. So if the cooperative vein is having a bad day, drawing blood gets complicated. I try to stay hydrated when going in for these appointments but for some reason today it wasn't cooperating. She got the needle in but nothing was coming out. The person I had was really good so I trusted her with it. Instead of taking out the needle entirely she took it out a little and readjusted. It took about three other readjustments but finally the vein cooperated.
My nurse called with the results and dosage in the afternoon. Here we go.
Happy Rosh Chodesh Adar I - may it be a month of happiness and success.
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