Biopsy update

As of late afternoon yesterday, they were "still watching" 7 embryos. Yesterday's update came later than expected because they were waiting until today to biopsy the embryos, giving a few more a chance to grow.

We got the final result today and one embryo survived to Day 6 and was strong enough to biopsy. Saying I'm disappointed with that number is an overwhelming understatement. I knew we started out with less, but when we got Day 2 results that they still had 7 embryos, I was hoping for at least 3 or 4 to survive to biopsy day. Last time we sent 6 to get PGD tested - that's 6! Sure, none of them were good enough to transfer, but still!

I got the news at 1:56 PM today and had to immediately step into a 2:00 PM meeting. I'm getting better at not crying immediately after getting not great news from my clinic. Unfortunately this isn't the first time. I'm tired of not getting good news. I know I need to manage my expectations but this is so beyond, especially since we had nothing from IVF #2... so two failed cycles in a row? What is happening?


Here are the options now:

Option 1 - send off the Lone Embryo (LE) for PGD and pay the $2500 for testing. If a miracle happens and it's a healthy embryo, which is a 25% chance, then we transfer in April. There's a 90% chance it will survive the thaw and, if we get that far, there's a 40% chance it will stick. I don't need my MBA to know those aren't good odds. We would be relying on a lot of miracles to make this work... but on the other hand it only takes one, right?

Option 2 - do another fresh cycle in April and batch LE with new embryos, if any. PGD testing is the same price for up to 8 embryos so we would potentially save a testing fee. Issue with this is that it borders right around Pesach and the holiday prep is hard enough without trying to squeeze in an egg retrieval and recovery the week before. We're both ok with that, but it does complicate things. Neither my husband nor I want to wait until after Pesach to do another cycle, even if that means spending time in a hotel over the holiday. I'm glad we're on the same page about wanting to move things along.

If we go with Option 1, there's a 75% chance we'll get the results and it's not a healthy embryo so we can still do another fresh cycle but we'd be out $2500. If it is healthy and we do transfer it, there's a chance it won't stick and I don't know that I want to go into a third FET without anything in the freezer. I think I need that cushion to help with the mental game. If we go with Option 2 and there are no new embryos, then we've just wasted another cycle and two months. I'm obviously thinking worst case scenario but considering our track record, we kind of have to assume those.

At one point, while spacing out at my meeting, I started a cycle of thoroughly disturbing thoughts: What if this isn't meant to happen for us? What if we're not meant to have kids? What if we're just going to be those people who are constantly doing IVF cycles and never get results? At what point does it become an obsession/addiction and how much stim can my ovaries even handle? How much money are we going to sink into this, and what if at the end we're still not successful? Does the clinic have any incentive to get us pregnant if they keep making money off of our failures? Eventually I had to snap back to the meeting and put those foul thoughts on a back burner. But I know these are crazy thoughts. Tonight I'm sad and worried but I'm not nearly ready to give up. Even though I know the positivity will come roaring back tomorrow, I can't pretend the failures aren't devastating.

I've heard a bunch of good news from others today. One friend got promoted. A coworker finally got a contractor for her home renovations. A fb friend got engaged. A young neighbor friend got into their first-choice college. I'm hoping that another blogger got good news from her beta test. Romney bashed Trump.

I'd like to believe there's good news for us, hopefully soon. For tonight, I'm wallowing in my feelings with cookies, tears, and trashy TV.