Rosh Hashana 5779

Sunday evening was the first night of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. In past years I've posted about the upcoming holiday and our hopes for the coming year, but I wasn't feeling it this year.

I feel like I came into the holiday with a different perspective this year. Not defeated, but one of acceptance. Whatever will be, will be. I will pray for what I hope will happen, but I know that ultimately it's not up to me. It's not within my control.

An older friend lost her husband last week. He was in his 40s or 50s and ill from chemo but the passing was incredibly sudden and completely unexpected. She is devastated. The burial took place in Israel right before Rosh Hashana. Shiva was observed locally and when I went to see her she was fiddling with his wedding band and holding on to one of his shirts while sobbing.

I know things can turn in an instant. For good or otherwise. I think this friend's crisis brought that home for me. Only He is in control and He is the one that decides. I can only do my best. I go to my appointments, take my medications, and pray for the best outcome possible. The rest is up to Him. In the meantime, I don't want to take the blessings I have for granted. Somewhere deep down I still have hope. I don't think I'm numb but I do feel more reserved with my emotions.

I'm still hopeful; I still want things to work out; there are still things I pray for. But this year I didn't go into the year with the blind optimism of before. It's been a tough year, weighed down by the baggage of past losses. I feel very grateful for the blessings we've been given and I've turned the focus on finding the happiness for what we do have.

May this year bring happiness, health, prosperity, success, and luck.

RH recap

For the first set of yom tov I made 8 lbs of challah, 4 lb brisket, 4 lbs meatballs, multiple kugels (zucchini, potato, onion), honey cakes, sesame cakes, deli rolls, 4 lbs of stuffed chicken, fish, and salads. I have to figure out what's gone and needs to be replenished for next set of holiday. My husband's family is coming in for first days of sukkot, so I have to think of what to make. 

We had a good mix of social time and home time. When there's a three-day yom tov our guideline is 2 meals out, 2 meals with guests, and 2 meals alone which is a balance that works for us with our different personalities. For this particular set, we were out two meals, one potluck with neighbors, hosting one, and home for two. It worked out well and we were both happy. 

Over the holiday I got caught off guard with my period coming early. My trigger shot was on Friday night two weeks ago. For some reason I assumed it would start on Saturday. I don't know why that mattered when but I basically got caught unprepared. I didn't have anything in the house: fresh out of tampons or even pads. I could have gone to a neighbor or walked to a family member. It was day 1 of a three day YT and there was a long stretch before I'd see the inside of a store. I had an idea: I remembered that after every IVF procedure I'd get a little baggie from the clinic with a disposable heating pack, the pain killers prescription, contact sheet for emergencies, and a yellow little pad.  This is what the clinic offers: those old-fashioned Always-brand diaper pads in the yellow liners (aka medium). It's the worst but they have to offer something and I bet they offer this so people don't steal them from the rooms and bathrooms. Anyway, turns out I had 5 from saving the little baggies from previous cycles. Turned out to be a lifesaver. It wasn't my first choice but I preferred that than missing shul or going around the neighborhood to my pregnant neighbors asking for tampons. As soon as Shabbat was over my husband went to the drug store and saved the day. 

Shul ended about 1:25 pm both days. This year we went to the shul around the corner which was very convenient. Shul was over 1:25, we were home by 1:30. There were assigned seats and the women's section was completely full. The first day the person sitting next to me didn't show up so I had plenty of elbow room. The second day my seat neighbor came and it felt too claustrophobic to stay put so I moved to the back and stood. I couldn't handle being so squished for a long period of time. I get that they try to accommodate everyone who wants to attend. They're currently fundraising to expand the building. 

Davening was good. The chazzan was just ok. The differences between ashkenaz and sefard davening is significant even though it's mainly a similar davening so I missed the songs I grew up with. The davening itself was very emotional for me. Following my unprepared theme, I brought no tissues. I sobbed silently in my corner and just let the tears fall. Eventually the nose situation became an emergency and I asked the people behind me to pass a tissue (since I was trapped in my corner due to the sheer volume of people). I came better prepared the next day and with moving to the back of the room I had the windowsill to put things down.

Overall it was a nice holiday albeit a little long. With my period here I have to think about the next steps but it's too soon and with the holidays in full swing maybe we'll just take the cycle off. That gives us at least a little time to get results of the embryos from this last cycle. 

Rosh Hashana 5778

As we get ready to bid this past year goodbye I think about the list of goals I set out for this summer after we found out the pregnancy wasn't progressing. If it had been a viable pregnancy I'd have been 25 weeks pregnant by now. As a way to move forward, I gave myself a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time the summer was over. In my mind summer ended with Rosh Hashanah.

- Recover from D&C and period return
- Root canal
- Mole removed
- New bedroom furniture
- Second car
- Take a trip
- IVF6 and/or FET6
- New floors on first floor

Other than getting the floors redone, I've pretty much hit every item on that list! I was overly ambitious with regard to doing both an IVF and FET cycles. I didn't think it would take as long as it did to get my period and the first 2/3 of the summer was "wasted" waiting for it. It always feels like everything takes forever between cycles.

I never thought, when first starting this process, that I'd be looking down the barrel of a seventh IVF cycle before even having one child. In theory I know that we've had really good results so far and "it's only a matter of time before success" but in reality it feels like we've gotten the shitty end of the statistic stick every single time. It was statistically low to get a blighted ovum - only 20% of all pregnancies - yet it happened to us. Statistics don't care if you got pregnant naturally or if it was your fifth FET after five IVF cycles.  Statistically speaking, about 30% of embryos that fertilize on day 1 make it to blastocyst stage, yet we just experienced an overwhelmingly low 11% with our latest cycle. I could probably go on but what use is there in dwelling on the failures. I'd rather look at the positives.

So here are the positives. I got pregnant. I stayed pregnant the last time, even after I stopped all meds; it was only the D&C that got rid of the pregnancy because it wasn't viable, just a blighted ovum. We have a healthy embryo in the freezer. We have two other embryos we just sent for testing and we're still holding on some hope that at least one may come back healthy.

This cycle tested my stamina and perseverance more than any other cycle before it. Even knowing what I know now, it's hard to think about how many times we've gone through it; how many more times we may still go through it. I don't know what the future holds.

Last year  I was much more optimistic going into Rosh Hashana. My post was excited and happy. This year I'm burned out. I'm worried about what disappointment may be waiting for us. I believe, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this is still possible for us, but not in the same tangible way I used to. At this point it seems like having babies is what other people do. Getting and staying pregnant with a healthy baby is magical, like winning the lottery.


For this coming year I've set up new goals.

- Take a vacation. We planned to do a trip at the end of October. Now that Florida is supposedly zika-free we wanted to spend a few days on the beach. Hopefully there will still be a Florida after hurricane season. Our quick getaway to NY this weekend was such a boost. I'd forgotten what a refresher it is to get out of your own head and just get a change of scenery, even if it's just one night. We're definitely homebodies and don't like straying too far but I definitely need to keep in mind that we should get outside of our four walls more often.

- Reach a new goal weight. I've decided to continue my diet but less restrictively. I don't want to be
borderline anything anymore, and I know that any weight lost will be helpful in the long run for a potential pregnancy. I've set a goal number in mind, which is 21 lbs lower than what I weighed at last baseline.

- Decide about reno. I want a master bathroom. At this point the whole house belongs to us, but we're working really hard to build a family and God willing there will be little people potty training and bathing in the bathroom in the coming years. If nothing else it adds resale value to the house for when we sell it to afford more treatment :P  Seriously though, there are two options: renovate within the perimeter or add an addition. The addition is clearly the more expensive option but I'm curious by how much more. On one hand I don't want to take out debt unnecessarily. On the other hand what's more debt? I already owe hundreds of thousands on my mortgage, cars, and student loans.... may as well pile it up and enjoy life. My credit cards are clear and I like to keep it that way, if nothing else than as an emergency backup in case we need it for treatment. If a bank wants to lend me money to add a bathroom, who am I to argue? I'm slowly doing the research and finding out what it will entail. It may not happen overnight and that's ok.

- I only have one goal for fertility treatment: take home a baby. I'm not going to put a number on any IVF or FET cycles for the year because it's irrelevant. I hate setting a goal where the success depends on factors outside my control, but it is something we're aspiring to and spending the biggest chunk of our time doing so it goes on my list.

The common greeting this time of year is L'Shana Tova U'Metukah which translates "To a Good and Sweet Year" and the reason behind all the honey as symbolism for a sweet year ahead. It's difficult to go into the prayer season knowing that what we prayed for last year has not been answered. Still, we're still alive and therefore given another chance to get to it this year.

A prayer for something that has already happened is considered t'filat shav which is translated as "wasted prayer." Technically speaking, whatever our embryos are they are. We can't pray for them to change so even though we don't know the results some may say it's a wasted prayer to daven for them to be healthy and transferable. I disagree. I don't think there is such a thing as wasted prayer even if it's not answered the way I wanted.

So instead of harping on prayers that weren't answered last year, I will be channeling my energy on praying for healthy embryos and a successful transfer in the coming year. If you have a minute, any prayer you send up on our behalf would be appreciated.

Despite how burned out I feel with the latest blow, with a new year comes renewal and hope. Wishing all a year of flowering prosperity, a year of happiness and success, a year of fertility and calm, a year of abundance, health, and love, a year of peace and blessing.  L'Shana Tova!

Rosh Hashana 5777

Rosh Hashana starts on Sunday night. I've planned menus and did most of the cooking. The things in the freezer include: roast with vegetables; stuffed chicken with mushrooms, onion, and spinach; sesame cake; various vegetable kugels; challah; two types of meatballs; and meat/bean roll ups. On Sunday I plan to make salmon, honey cake, rugelach, simanim, and salads. I've prepared more than needed for just this holiday in prep for the rest of the season, when we will be hosting my in-laws in a few weeks.

With the new year starting, I feel like we have a new shot. New beginning. New start. Now that I have the schedule for our new FET I can't help but mentally calculate everything as bFET and aFET: before and after. We got tickets to see a Sebastian Maniscalo (one of our fav comics) the weekend after the transfer and I can't help but worry that trying to get to the venue close to after Shabbat might be too stressful. It's probably fine.

My cousin is getting married in Israel in December and we joked about hypothetically making the trip because we both really want to visit. Then it wasn't so much a joke as an actual conversation about whether we're able to swing that. It comes down to not really being able to make a decision until we find out if the transfer took. At best, I'll be pregnant. At worst... well, not quite ready to think the worst yet.

That's not entirely true. We've had multiple conversations about what comes next. Extensive, thoughtful, intentional conversations. If FET #4 doesn't result in a pregnancy, we'll have one final healthy embryo to transfer. Our beta would be the week before Thanksgiving, so we'll know by then whether it took or not. It means that we'll have about 5-6 weeks before the new year which leaves us with a few options.

• Option 1 would be to do FET #5 with our last and final embryo, which would probably be right around Christmas, but I think that the clinic is closed for that week for retrievals, surgeries, and transfers, so it would likely be scheduled for the week after. 
• Option 2 would be to hold off until after Jan 1, once I'm back on the new insurance, and do another IVF cycle before another transfer. It would likely not be until February, once they can verify the new insurance which takes 4-6 weeks.

It's a solid plan, with a lot of hope of continuing to try and try until it works. But thinking about it now and putting it in writing makes it depressing to think that the ERA didn't help at all and the change in protocol it initiated wasn't helpful. I know that if the November transfer doesn't result in a pregnancy then the next time we do a transfer, whenever it will be, will include an endo scratch. That was the last and final option that the doctor suggested at our June wtf appointment, and the only thing we haven't tried yet. It has a 50/50 shot of working and there's not enough science to back it up, but it's an option I'm willing to try if everything else fails.

I'm going into the Jewish new year hopeful and scared. Optimistic and guarded. This time last year we had just finished our first IVF cycle and were getting ready for our first FET. We were so, so hopeful. So naive. So sure that by this Rosh Hashana we would be parents to a 2 month old baby. We were talking not about IF but WHEN at that point. I don't think that I could have gone through what we did over this past year if I had known then what I know now. I don't know that we would have done all those cycles, all those shots, spent all that money, if we knew that in one year from that day we would be no closer to being parents. Sometimes it's a blessing to be forced to take things one day at a time. The enormity of what we went through would have been too much to bear all once.

Even with all that, I can't help but feel lucky. Hopeful. Excited. Confident. I don't know what it is that makes me believe that this will happen for us. I know that I might be setting myself up for failure, but if I have no hope then I have nothing. Over the past year, with every devastating call about FET results, the first thing I would do is mentally calculate when we can try again. It was automatic. I knew it would take time to heal and time to wait for my period and time to start again, but at least starting again was an option. Until we're ready to really call it quits, there will always be a 'starting again' option.

I hope the new year brings with it lots of happiness, health, peace, and babies.

L'shana Tova U'metukah -- here's to a sweet new year!