Rosh Hashana 5778

As we get ready to bid this past year goodbye I think about the list of goals I set out for this summer after we found out the pregnancy wasn't progressing. If it had been a viable pregnancy I'd have been 25 weeks pregnant by now. As a way to move forward, I gave myself a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time the summer was over. In my mind summer ended with Rosh Hashanah.

- Recover from D&C and period return
- Root canal
- Mole removed
- New bedroom furniture
- Second car
- Take a trip
- IVF6 and/or FET6
- New floors on first floor

Other than getting the floors redone, I've pretty much hit every item on that list! I was overly ambitious with regard to doing both an IVF and FET cycles. I didn't think it would take as long as it did to get my period and the first 2/3 of the summer was "wasted" waiting for it. It always feels like everything takes forever between cycles.

I never thought, when first starting this process, that I'd be looking down the barrel of a seventh IVF cycle before even having one child. In theory I know that we've had really good results so far and "it's only a matter of time before success" but in reality it feels like we've gotten the shitty end of the statistic stick every single time. It was statistically low to get a blighted ovum - only 20% of all pregnancies - yet it happened to us. Statistics don't care if you got pregnant naturally or if it was your fifth FET after five IVF cycles.  Statistically speaking, about 30% of embryos that fertilize on day 1 make it to blastocyst stage, yet we just experienced an overwhelmingly low 11% with our latest cycle. I could probably go on but what use is there in dwelling on the failures. I'd rather look at the positives.

So here are the positives. I got pregnant. I stayed pregnant the last time, even after I stopped all meds; it was only the D&C that got rid of the pregnancy because it wasn't viable, just a blighted ovum. We have a healthy embryo in the freezer. We have two other embryos we just sent for testing and we're still holding on some hope that at least one may come back healthy.

This cycle tested my stamina and perseverance more than any other cycle before it. Even knowing what I know now, it's hard to think about how many times we've gone through it; how many more times we may still go through it. I don't know what the future holds.

Last year  I was much more optimistic going into Rosh Hashana. My post was excited and happy. This year I'm burned out. I'm worried about what disappointment may be waiting for us. I believe, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this is still possible for us, but not in the same tangible way I used to. At this point it seems like having babies is what other people do. Getting and staying pregnant with a healthy baby is magical, like winning the lottery.


For this coming year I've set up new goals.

- Take a vacation. We planned to do a trip at the end of October. Now that Florida is supposedly zika-free we wanted to spend a few days on the beach. Hopefully there will still be a Florida after hurricane season. Our quick getaway to NY this weekend was such a boost. I'd forgotten what a refresher it is to get out of your own head and just get a change of scenery, even if it's just one night. We're definitely homebodies and don't like straying too far but I definitely need to keep in mind that we should get outside of our four walls more often.

- Reach a new goal weight. I've decided to continue my diet but less restrictively. I don't want to be
borderline anything anymore, and I know that any weight lost will be helpful in the long run for a potential pregnancy. I've set a goal number in mind, which is 21 lbs lower than what I weighed at last baseline.

- Decide about reno. I want a master bathroom. At this point the whole house belongs to us, but we're working really hard to build a family and God willing there will be little people potty training and bathing in the bathroom in the coming years. If nothing else it adds resale value to the house for when we sell it to afford more treatment :P  Seriously though, there are two options: renovate within the perimeter or add an addition. The addition is clearly the more expensive option but I'm curious by how much more. On one hand I don't want to take out debt unnecessarily. On the other hand what's more debt? I already owe hundreds of thousands on my mortgage, cars, and student loans.... may as well pile it up and enjoy life. My credit cards are clear and I like to keep it that way, if nothing else than as an emergency backup in case we need it for treatment. If a bank wants to lend me money to add a bathroom, who am I to argue? I'm slowly doing the research and finding out what it will entail. It may not happen overnight and that's ok.

- I only have one goal for fertility treatment: take home a baby. I'm not going to put a number on any IVF or FET cycles for the year because it's irrelevant. I hate setting a goal where the success depends on factors outside my control, but it is something we're aspiring to and spending the biggest chunk of our time doing so it goes on my list.

The common greeting this time of year is L'Shana Tova U'Metukah which translates "To a Good and Sweet Year" and the reason behind all the honey as symbolism for a sweet year ahead. It's difficult to go into the prayer season knowing that what we prayed for last year has not been answered. Still, we're still alive and therefore given another chance to get to it this year.

A prayer for something that has already happened is considered t'filat shav which is translated as "wasted prayer." Technically speaking, whatever our embryos are they are. We can't pray for them to change so even though we don't know the results some may say it's a wasted prayer to daven for them to be healthy and transferable. I disagree. I don't think there is such a thing as wasted prayer even if it's not answered the way I wanted.

So instead of harping on prayers that weren't answered last year, I will be channeling my energy on praying for healthy embryos and a successful transfer in the coming year. If you have a minute, any prayer you send up on our behalf would be appreciated.

Despite how burned out I feel with the latest blow, with a new year comes renewal and hope. Wishing all a year of flowering prosperity, a year of happiness and success, a year of fertility and calm, a year of abundance, health, and love, a year of peace and blessing.  L'Shana Tova!