So what now?

Our next step is to decide whether to do another fresh IVF or to do a transfer. The next steps depend on the PGD results of the embryos we just sent out. I don't have high hopes, and I'll still be crushed if they're not transferable, but we still have to give it a chance to come back before deciding.

So for now we're doing nothing. Above all else I'm trying to fight the panic that missing a cycle won't matter in the long scheme of things. While I want to keep trying, I recognize the value in a much-needed break, so that's what we're doing right now. Giving a chance for the results to come in will let us make an informed, strategic decision moving forward. In the meantime I'm enjoying feeling good physically: no fatigue, no stomach issues, no headaches.

Timeline-wise, I don't know how we can do a transfer before January. Specifically because if we do another IVF we have to wait until after the holidays to start, so we're looking at a November IVF, and then the weeks of recovery. Before a transfer they still require several weeks of birth control and then they close the lab for cleaning the last week of December. It's only September but it seems impossible to fit everything in this fall. We'll see.

Our clinic has a shared risk program in which they offer up to six fresh IVF cycles for one fee. It doesn't include medication, but does include cryopreservation and unlimited FETs for any embryos from these cycles. They guarantee a full refund of the IVF fee if you don't take home a baby. The drawback is that they make you use all viable embryos before doing another IVF, so no banking. In addition, once you take home a baby the contract has been completed so it's a gamble because you may pay more for one cycle if it works the first time.

Why didn't we do this in the beginning? Honestly because it never occurred to us we'd still be doing this after so many cycles. I've said it before: I was sure IVF would work the first time. Every failure wasn't just a disappointment; it was also a huge surprise. We were also adamant about banking embryos for the future although now I'm reconsidering that part and just want to see one baby to start.

Pros of another IVF now:
- Banking embryos
- I'm still young enough to be a good responder
- I don't have toddlers at home during recovery

Cons:
- Expensive
- Painful recovery
- Delaying potential pregnancy

Pros of FET now:
- Potential pregnancy
- Less recovery, no time off work
- No added expense

Cons:
- If it doesn't work we're back to sq 1
- Back on a ton of meds: some painful (PIO), some bitter (anti-inflammatory), some bruising (blood thinners)

I haven't been able to read other blogs. I stopped participating in some groups on fb. It takes a lot of effort to answer emails and texts, and I have to fight the urge to ignore the phone when people call to check in. I used to find others' good news in fertility treatment uplifting but lately it causes me to retreat into a darkness that makes it hard to believe it will ever happen for us. Reading bad news makes me relive our own disappointments. I feel like a bad friend but I don't know how else to protect myself. I don't engage in small talk because everything feels like a trigger. Being on guard all the time is exhausting and isolating. Hopefully this too shall pass.

My coworker is on baby-watch and people keep coming up to me and asking me if there's any news. It's bad enough they keep asking; it's worse that when I say no they then go on about their own birth story. I don't know how to escape it. I feel like telling them my situation would just exacerbate the situation and make it horribly awkward, extending the issue longer than this particular news.

I can only hope that this is a temporary mood dip. On Sunday my husband and I watched the movie Collateral Beauty with Will Smith. At first I saw the trailer and thought it was too sad. But after watching the movie, the plot resonated with me. Even in the face of the most awful tragedy (losing a child), there is life after death. I'm the kind of person who needs the plot to wrap up at the end with a neat little bow with a happy ending. Even though the tragedy didn't reverse itself, the main character relearns to see the beauty and meaning in life after tragedy. The movie did a lot to life my mood. Partly it was removing my head from my own churning thoughts, but it was also because it made me take a second look at our journey. In the back of my mind I still want to believe we may have a happy ending - that it might still work for us. Hope is both my fuel and my downfall.