Latest happenings

It's been busy at work and I haven't had much time to think or process. Now that things are slowing down for the season, I wanted to update on what's been happening.

On Sunday I took advantage of my lab being open and knocked out the glucose/insulin test that the specialist recommended. It's a smallish lab -- only about 20 seats in the waiting room -- and they're only open until 11 am, so knowing I had at least a 2 hr wait, I had to make sure to be there early. I thought it would be a slow day, but the place was hopping the entire time I was there. I signed in and it took almost 30 min before they got me checked in and did the first blood draw. Then I had the gross drink and waited an hour for the second blood draw. At the two hour mark they took final blood. While I was waiting I was totally a backseat driver in the waiting room: telling people where to check in, showing them where they are in the queue on the screen, getting someone who had stepped out for a cig that it was their turn. At one point I overheard a clueless guy tell the receptionist that his doctor at [old clinic] didn't give him a lap slip so I helpfully suggested emailing his nurse. I was helpful all over the place. I hope results come back soon and that they're all normal. In the meantime have a beautiful purple-yellow bruise to remember my time there.

After bloodwork I went to get my nails done - it's been a while and I had a work event the next day. I went with a pale pink on my hands (business) and smokey red on toes (party).

I also had my follow up appointment with my endocrinologist. My TSH has finally reached normal levels: 1.24. Hooray!  That means I don't have to keep coming back every 4-6 weeks to check levels. Now we're at 6 months checkups. She got the latest about what's happening fertility-wise and told me to keep her posted if my RE takes any labs that include thyroid, and when the next transfer is in case I get pregnant and the meds need to be adjusted as well.

I sent over the images from my hysteroscopy to the specialist and he said he couldn't see what he needed and recommended a repeat. So I need to schedule that for sometime in the next few days.

A few weeks ago I noticed a new trick my body likes to do which is make my heart race. At one point it scared me so much I went to urgent care and they got an EKG. My heart was beating at 100 bpm and my blood pressure was elevated but other than that they couldn't see anything wrong. EKG came back normal. Physical came back normal. I wasn't out of breath and didn't have pain anywhere. It was the Friday before a 3 day yom tov and right before my husband's surgery so they diagnosed it as anxiety. Maybe it was. It hasn't gotten as bad since but I have noticed the racing every so often, weirdly when I'm at rest. It never lasts more than a min or two and then I forget about it. I take my pulse often now to see where it's at, which is usually somewhere in the 70s. Every so often I'll feel it go back hovering around the 90s when I'm at rest. At urgent care they said as long as it doesn't go above 100 or 110 then it's not a big deal, especially since they couldn't find anything wrong. I mentioned it to the endocrinologist who said that it's not a side effect of the thyroid meds or any of the meds I'm taking. But she did say to look out for shortness of breath combined with leg pain, which is a sign of the bc pills causing clots, and (rarely) causing clots in the lungs which makes getting oxygen to the heart an issue. She did say that if it persists or episodes get longer that I should go back to the cardiologist. Maybe I'll do that anyway. I don't want to keep being the kid who calls wolf but I'd rather look dumb than have an issue, especially with a potential pregnancy on the line.

My husband sent me a picture of a bug he found in the kitchen and I panicked and called the exterminator for a full workup against roaches, mice, and all pests.  I googled roaches and the internet said if there's one there's likely hundreds more. Ewww. The guy took a look at the bug and said it was a beetle, not a roach. He searched the house and found not much more than a few spiders in the basement and couple of ants outside.

The weather has been unseasonably frustrating with lots of fog, rain, and humidity. There are mild patches of sun when we remember that oh yeah it's summer. At some point our roof started leaking. We called the roofer and got an estimate for a repair ($800) or replacement ($8000). So far we're putting out bowls when it rains and hoping that before we need to make a decision it will either repair itself or get so bad that insurance needs to get involved.

Another summer project I want to take care of, other than ttc, is decluttering. Every year I say I want to go minimal and I think this year I want to make it real. There are drawers of stuff that we don't need; closets of stuff we're storing and never look at; a storage area full of things we never touch. Why should they collect dust, and apparently spiders, when someone else can make use of it? If we don't use it on a regular basis, or at all, it needs to go. If I only manage to make a small dent in what needs to be gotten rid of, it's still a win. The ultimate goal is to feel like if we were to move tomorrow, I'd have nothing that I need to throw out. I'm still unsure what to do about thinks I know I'll never use again but am unsure about giving away, like my wedding dress. I guess I can start with the non-sentimental stuff and work from there.

Summer is upon us and I want to take advantage of the longer daylight hours. I want to get into a routine that includes better workout schedule and better food planning. I know it's just a matter of starting and I'm mentally motivated but need to get my butt in gear. My husband is on board to join in so that can be a big help if we do it together. Let's start with 10 lbs. I decided I'd get myself a present at the end of the summer if I'm successful. Maybe a bosch mixer or a new hairstyle.

Our 11 year anniversary is coming up. My husband's birthday is also coming up. This past week we sponsored kiddush in memory of our grandmothers, who happened to have the same birthday and died within a year of each other.

Happy summer :)

Feeling good

I talked a lot about redoing our bedroom and it finally happened. I bought the furniture we liked at a Labor Day sale knowing it would take a while to ship and it finally arrived. It's spectacular!  The room is still a work in progress but I'm happy to report progress. Next up is lighting, decor, and accessories.

After seeing what the architect came up with, I've decided against renovating the house to add a master bathroom within the current perimeter. Either we'll finish off the basement or we'll do an addition upstairs (or maybe both eventually down the line). I don't want to have tiny rooms and teeny bathrooms and pay out the nose for it. So that's on hold for now.

I've been talking with my new nurse about our next cycle. I'm trying to schedule retrieval around my work schedule. Things are going to get hectic in the next several weeks so I want to see if we can work backwards from mid-December. That gives me enough time to get mentally prepared and enjoy a few more weeks of normalcy. It will also give me a chance to drop the extra holiday pounds.

I've been enjoying our non-treatment break so, so much. It feels amazing to just be regular without discomfort or pain or fluctuating hormones making me crazy. It's incredible to be able to hold my emotions, something really difficult while on medication. It's so nice to be able to plan a few days in advance because I don't have to assume I likely won't feel well.

On one hand I hate having to gear up to get into this again for IVF 7, knowing the hell coming up. I also hate the idea of all the shots coming up for whatever transfers we end up doing, along with all the side effects that come with it. On the other hand, feeling like this makes me happy to know that whatever treatment hell has in store, it's temporary. It will be over eventually. It's not forever. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I can and will feel normal again, it's just a matter of time and a difficult chapter to get through. The mere idea of all this being "in the past" and having gotten to the other side is exciting.

Over the past few weeks there was a significant change in my attitude: I've been happy and hopeful. I have energy and a spring in my step. I'm not sure what specifically to attribute it to. The break and lack of meds is probably a big factor. I know that the holiday season was incredibly difficult where we were reminded of our childlessness non-stop. At shul, at family gatherings, at holiday celebrations - triggers were everywhere. Before Kol Hanearim this year at Simchat Torah our rabbi read this prayer specifically geared toward couples dealing with infertility. It was special and gut-wrenching at the same time.

So maybe we hit a new low regarding feeling sad that there was only one way to go, which is up. Regardless of the cause, I'm glad to be feeling good and more like myself, making decisions and taking chances on things I may not have otherwise. For the first time in a while I'm looking forward to what's ahead even thought it's still scary and out of my control.

Architect

Click for more info

Earlier this summer I talked about updating the furniture to our bedroom. It's all functional but needs serious cosmetic TLC. Instead of spending the money on furniture, I decided to hire an architect to give me some ideas on how to remodel my upstairs. A master bathroom is more important to me than furniture, and if I restructure some walls, I don't want to get into a situation where my new furniture doesn't fit right with the new room size.

Architect spent about an hour measuring last week. I'm excited to get drawings and see different options.  I'm not sure how much a project like that even goes for: $20k? $50k? I'm not thrilled about taking out a second mortgage and getting into debt for renovations. On the other hand I want to enjoy my house and I'm sick of making decisions based on fertility stuff (like holding off on renos in case we need the cash). If it comes to it that we need to sell the house to afford a cycle, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm done living in the what-ifs and am focused on the things I CAN do now rather than what's on hold while we work on building our family.

Bedroom decor

I came across #MicroblogMondays on other blogs and even though it doesn't look like everyone follows the inaugural post rules entirely, I decided to join in and see what the buzz is about -- after all, it seems to be around since 2014.  It's never been an issue for me to find the time or something to write about, but every so often I feel the need to take a break from rehashing the same cycle of thoughts over and over.  So for me, I will try to keep Monday's posts about anything but fertility treatment.

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I've mentioned before that I want to make some changes to our bedroom decor. I started the process last year but put it on pause because we were considering some major renovations, like knocking down walls and adding a master bathroom. For now, we've decided to pause any additional construction because we don't want to take out any additional loans so I'm free to finally upgrade our furniture which is long overdue.

My taste has only slightly changed since last year and I'm happy to report I'm still considering gray wood furniture. I already have it in my cart online, but I've been following this furniture store for months now, browsing their selection and comparing prices, and I know that they have sales right around holidays. I just missed the Memorial Day sale so I'm waiting for the July 4th sale to finally pull the trigger.

Looking ahead

I was planning to take it easy and be lazy most of the day on Sunday, but after getting the news about our embryos, I needed to move and be productive while I processed. I tackled several projects that I've been avoiding. I started with cleaning the bedrooms and kitchen, doing laundry, and washing floors. Then we moved a bookcase to storage out of the way and cleared off the office desk which hasn't seen a clear surface in an-embarrassingly-long-number-of months.

I also got around to installing a new doorbell. I'm really proud of it!  It required watching a tutorial to figure out how to connect the wiring. The instructions were simple once I got started, but it was out of my comfort zone to drill into the doorframe and figure out wiring to hook up the electricity to install it.  

I rewarded myself with vegging out the rest of the day. We watched a Wanda Sykes special (she's hilarious) and then a documentary about the Nixon presidency. Scary to see so many similarities in the current administration.

Physically I feel great. The bloating is gone and I'm not in any pain. I stopped eating junk and am starting to feel like myself again. I was able to catch up on sleep during the weekend. I'm also more pumped to get this to work. When I was upset at yesterday's news it was also in part "how many times can we go through this" and today it's more of an attitude of "we're doing this as many times as it takes."

I hope it doesn't take too many more and that the next transfer is a sticker. Either it's the weather or the fact that it's Rosh Chodesh Adar, or maybe because my birthday is around the corner, but I'm in a great mood and looking forward to the next step!

Stuff

I'm in the middle of a book called "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things" by Randy O. Frost & Gail Steketee which is a really interesting read. I'm personally a big fan of decluttering and not holding on to stuff I no longer use. There's no reason something should take up space in my house if someone else can benefit from it. But unrelated to me, it's interesting to learn about other people's connection to things and their inability to part with them.

I'm constantly thinking about upgrading our furniture, renovating the house, updating our appliances, or buying a better car but I hesitate to pull the trigger on big-purchase items. In the world of fertility treatment you never know when you'll need extra cash. So while it would be nice to have shiny new things, we don't need them so I pull back from actually spending the money. I still find it fun to search online for things I like, putting them in a cart, and then walking away. I find that my taste also changes over time, so sometimes I go back to the cart months later and I'm glad I didn't get them. I'm very aware of living within our means.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out how to renovate our bedroom furniture for less than $1,000. I want new furniture, maybe some hooks, and new sheets/blankets. Also we only have a clock on the wall so maybe some art. It's the dressers and nightstand that's taking up a lot of time searching. I can't find one I like that fits in the budget. Either it's beautiful and expensive, or affordable and crap. So the search continues.

I've also really relaxed my specifications for a car. My requirements are now: reliable, seat warmers, big trunk, and a hook for dry cleaning. If a car has that, I'm good. I don't care about brand, size, color, speed, look - none of it matters. I hope we get a second car by spring.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like if we sold the house and bought a condo. We'd pay off all our loans and live debt free. We'd have less space, but that's the point of living minimally. But I like my house and it's supposedly an investment that gains value over time so instead of having liquid assets, it's all in the house. I'd rather pay off my mortgage and stay here rather than go to a condo, even if living debt free is enticing.

Just some thoughts while reading this book.

Bedroom redesign

I need a mental break from thinking about treatment so I put some energy into researching a new bedroom set. Back in February, I laid out the plan for a few redecorating ideas in a post here. To summarize:

Phase 1. construction. Knock wall, build bookcase.
Phase 2. relocation. Relocate all books from over the house to basement bookcase wall. Move futon up to guest room. Move couches from living room to basement.
Phase 3. purge. Sell old bookcases, donate clothes, clean out drawers and declutter in general.
Phase 4. upgrade. Buy new furniture for living room.
Phase 5. redesign. Move bedroom furniture to guest room. Master bedroom overhaul including new furniture, possible addition of bathroom and/or closets.

Since then we've knocked down the wall in the basement, built the bookcases, and moved all the books from the house downstairs. I've decluttered, donated, and restructured numerous closets in the house. Even though I got rid of stuff, I realize this is an ongoing process which will continue forever and I've become more mindful about shopping, buying things I actually need and not just more "stuff." We did move the futon upstairs as planned, but we didn't buy new couches. It turned out a friend who was redoing their own basement was getting rid of a couch in great condition so we put that in the basement and saved the ones in the living room as is, to be upgraded at a future date. For now, that means Phases 1 - 4 are done!

At this point I'm up to the bedroom. While I'd like to knock some walls and add a bathroom, there's no budget for that. For now I'll settle for new furniture. Currently every piece of furniture is a different color and type, accrued over the years. Ideally I'd like to get more functional nightstands and dressers that work better for what we need. I prefer solid wood furniture but I'm open to other ideas. I see that Ikea has a nice set called Hemnes:

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S29129620/

While we're adding things, I want to get a little bench for the end of the bed but I'm not sure yet if I want a simple design or one that doubles as storage (for extra blankets? shoes? more crap I'll eventually need to donate?). They seem to have a few different designs on Overstock. I would also add a new light fixture but I want to keep the ceiling fan, so that can tie in the bench even if it doesn't exactly match the Hemnes line. Since I have the furniture picked out, I'm moving on to mattress research but that seems overwhelming and

So mattress first, furniture next, accessories last. The walls were painted fairly recently in a light sea foam color which I like so I think I'll leave that alone but will decide later.

I'd like to get this done over the summer so we'll see if that happens.

March Updates

Purim was so fun! It was on a Thursday and we had half-day at work so I took off those few hours and spent the time making the meal. I used a new recipe for roast and it came out delicious. The weather was gorgeous, unlike last year when it snowed on Purim. I was lucky to have off Friday to recover and clean up.

Basement project is on its way to completion! The contractor finished on time as promised and we started moving all the books downstairs. Now we have to wash the floors, buy a rug, and move the sofa. I hope to have it complete by the weekend. I love the new look so far.

I was feeling bloated and I was getting a sharp pang in my pelvis every so often so it made me worry that something was wrong. The bloating from the last egg retrieval was getting better with time until it stopped improving, and with this impending cycle coming up I didn't want to take any chances. So I scheduled a visit at the clinic for a scan just in case. I went in on Wednesday and the scan was fine. They gave me a lab slip to get a urinalysis which I took care of same day. I hadn't heard back results yet by Saturday, which makes me assume everything is fine. I emailed the nurse to confirm just in case and am waiting to hear back.

I got much better about eating habits and I'll admit that while it sucks to not eat anything whenever, I do feel a lot better. Darn healthy eating and its logical conclusion. I've been sticking mainly to vegetables, proteins, occasional fruit, and rare grains, like a modified South Beach diet. I've also been drinking my tank of water (75 oz) daily which keeps me from grazing all day.

Yesterday, on a rainy Monday morning after being home for an extra long weekend, my car wouldn't start. Such a great way to start the week! I got roadside assistance to give me a jump and took it to the mechanic, then took an Uber to work from there. Uber is so sketchy but I feel like I need to get on board 2016 and embrace it. It was ok - didn't get murdered so I think it was a success.

I am supposed to go in for my baseline appointment this morning to start IVF 4. That's probably why I was up at 5:45 AM without an alarm. Those appointments make me nervous, even though I've done dozens by now.

Home Decor: Phase 1

We started work on the basement last week! I'm so excited that we're finally moving forward with this project. The overall plan, as outlined here, starts with Phase 1 which includes knocking down a wall in the basement and adding a wall of bookcases.

The original plan included bringing down the old furniture from the living room to the basement and buying a new sectional as a replacement. Now I find out that a friend is getting rid of a new-ish sectional and is willing to sell it for a very reasonable price. It's a rounded sectional instead of one with a 90 degree angle which I was planning to get. The rounded sectional is tan and the one I wanted was cream/white. We would save a lot by settling for the pre-owned sofa and we can always just sell it on craigslist or something if we decide later that we prefer the new sofa in white.

So now the question is whether to just put the sectional downstairs in the new basement, or do the original plan of moving the living furniture downstairs and putting the sectional in the living room. I can add a few recliners or overstuffed chairs from overstock to make up the seating difference.

The work is supposed to be done by end of March. I've already planned out my decluttering schedule and will be starting with my kitchen tomorrow.

Day 6

A few quick updates:


IVF:  We're moving along!  Today's monitoring included bloodwork and ultrasound. Meds upped again and I'm scheduled for another appointment on Friday.


Eyes: In other news, I also had my eye appointment and apparently I have dry eyes. I got some eye drops and the symptoms were better almost immediately. She suggested to take them every few hours for a week so I'll give it a try.


Acupuncture: I'm looking into more information. I've heard from some people that acupuncture helped them relax throughout the cycling process which led to successful transfers and pregnancies. I know acupuncture isn't a miracle, and if it was required as part of the transfer process it would be part of my treatment plan. I'm not a stressed person and I have a pretty positive attitude. Even so, it's a stressful process so acupuncture can't hurt, right? It costs $140 for the first session and $90 for each session after that. It's not covered by insurance. So is it worth it for "can't hurt?" I'm not sure.


Home décor: We're having a hard time tracking down a contractor to do our basement.  We have two we're vetting but so far we haven't been able to nail down a date. It's the first phase of major house decorating so it's annoying that it's being held up. New update on that soon.


Looking ahead: Pesach prep is going to be right around a potential FET. We usually have guests stay over and I don't know if it's a good idea this year. Best case it will be right at the beginning of a preg; worst case... we'll be grieving another negative beta. I don't know the answer but I'll explore more in a future post.

Waiting

My insurance changed on January 1 and we are still waiting for them to approve the IVF cycle. While I'm waiting for that I'm waiting to hear back from the pharmacy regarding the medication. The wait is part of the package of fertility treatment.

There's waiting in every part of it. Wait for your period, then wait for several weeks on BC pills, then go through stims and wait every day for the nurse to call with the results -- is the number high enough? Am I responding well? Is there progress?  Then there's a flurry of activity where you go through the trigger shot and egg retrieval, but then there's the wait every day to find out which eggs fertilized, which ones made it to day 3, then day 5.  For us there's an added wait to hear back the results of the PGD testing and that adds another ten days of waiting.

Because of the PGD we can't do immediate transfers so we have to wait two weeks for the next period to come and then start another few weeks on BC pills for an FET. The worst is the official two week wait (aka 2WW) after the transfer. You know there's nothing you can do. After the whirlwind of activity it's truly a hellish wait and the hormones really don't help things. The last two times the 2WW resulted in the dreaded negative betas. As hard as the 2WW was, it was also frustrating to know that the entire cycle needed to be repeated and I was as far away from starting the process as possible.

A positive beta, as exciting as it seems, doesn't guarantee a baby. There's still 9 months to get through starting with a second beta, ultrasound at 6 weeks, and lots and lots of PIO shots besides for the regular OB/Gyn visits. I assume... I haven't gotten to that point yet.

By my estimates we can't get started until February. Two weeks of stims puts the ER around President's Day weekend and the transfer the end of March.  It seems like so long. I have to learn to see it as a time investment instead of a waste of time. I also have to remind myself to not hold myself back from doing other things in the meantime. I have to do other things with the time other than wait, so I am working on the following:

• Home projects: redecorate the living room, basement, or bedroom (still need to pick one)
• Eat better: reduce take out, be mindful of portions, add veg and fruit to daily menu
• Move more: exercise is important and I have a hard time getting motivated in the cold 
• Plan a trip: my birthday is coming up and we're planning a short getaway 
• Learn a new skill: currently attempting to learn Spanish

Not only will these projects make the time more meaningful but it will hopefully make it go by faster. 

There are so many times you have to wait for your body to get to where it needs to be that it's frustrating to have to wait for insurance. I know I am lucky that insurance covers a part of it, but at the same time I want to move on... I want a big family - so let's get this started!!!!