Feeling good

I talked a lot about redoing our bedroom and it finally happened. I bought the furniture we liked at a Labor Day sale knowing it would take a while to ship and it finally arrived. It's spectacular!  The room is still a work in progress but I'm happy to report progress. Next up is lighting, decor, and accessories.

After seeing what the architect came up with, I've decided against renovating the house to add a master bathroom within the current perimeter. Either we'll finish off the basement or we'll do an addition upstairs (or maybe both eventually down the line). I don't want to have tiny rooms and teeny bathrooms and pay out the nose for it. So that's on hold for now.

I've been talking with my new nurse about our next cycle. I'm trying to schedule retrieval around my work schedule. Things are going to get hectic in the next several weeks so I want to see if we can work backwards from mid-December. That gives me enough time to get mentally prepared and enjoy a few more weeks of normalcy. It will also give me a chance to drop the extra holiday pounds.

I've been enjoying our non-treatment break so, so much. It feels amazing to just be regular without discomfort or pain or fluctuating hormones making me crazy. It's incredible to be able to hold my emotions, something really difficult while on medication. It's so nice to be able to plan a few days in advance because I don't have to assume I likely won't feel well.

On one hand I hate having to gear up to get into this again for IVF 7, knowing the hell coming up. I also hate the idea of all the shots coming up for whatever transfers we end up doing, along with all the side effects that come with it. On the other hand, feeling like this makes me happy to know that whatever treatment hell has in store, it's temporary. It will be over eventually. It's not forever. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I can and will feel normal again, it's just a matter of time and a difficult chapter to get through. The mere idea of all this being "in the past" and having gotten to the other side is exciting.

Over the past few weeks there was a significant change in my attitude: I've been happy and hopeful. I have energy and a spring in my step. I'm not sure what specifically to attribute it to. The break and lack of meds is probably a big factor. I know that the holiday season was incredibly difficult where we were reminded of our childlessness non-stop. At shul, at family gatherings, at holiday celebrations - triggers were everywhere. Before Kol Hanearim this year at Simchat Torah our rabbi read this prayer specifically geared toward couples dealing with infertility. It was special and gut-wrenching at the same time.

So maybe we hit a new low regarding feeling sad that there was only one way to go, which is up. Regardless of the cause, I'm glad to be feeling good and more like myself, making decisions and taking chances on things I may not have otherwise. For the first time in a while I'm looking forward to what's ahead even thought it's still scary and out of my control.