Stims

Today is the first night of stims. I'm starting with Menopur and Gonal-F. I've done this before and I know what to expect, but this time starting seems more overwhelming. Starting shots means the end of the "break." It means bloating and mood swings and nausea. At the end of the two weeks, if I'm lucky, there's an egg retrieval which means recovery and anxiety and pain.


I'm excited and scared. There are two possible outcomes each on very opposite sides of the spectrum. Success means pregnancy which signifies the start of our family and the culmination of a long time trying. Lack of success means another failed cycle. I've been there and knowing the devastating heartache and what it's like makes me almost not want to try again. It almost makes me not want to want it as bad. Rejection, failure, disappointment... everything negative. But if you don't try, you don't get the highs of the possible success. It's worth a try.


It's been exactly eight weeks since we go the news that the second cycle failed and we got the negative beta. Eight weeks minus two days since we got the results of the PGD and found out that none of the six embryos from the second egg retrieval were transferable. We had eight weeks to recover.  It started with grieving over the loss of potential, the loss of the cycle, the money wasted. Once the new year started, we were hopeful again. We were ready to try again and with the insurance drama keeping me busy I didn't really think much of the specifics of this new cycle. 


After the go-ahead from the baseline appointment earlier this week, we are ready to start shots tonight and it makes it real. This is happening again and after all the time we waited it's happening now.  Two weeks of stims, followed by two weeks of recovery waiting for my period, followed by two weeks of PIO before a potential FET, assuming there's something to transfer from this cycle. 


I've never wanted something so much that's beyond my control. I just want to know that it can work. I believe everything is up to Hashem but I also believe that I have the ability to do my part. When I wanted a better job, I quit my old one and found a new one.  When I wanted a degree, I worked hard in school and earned it.  When we were looking for a house, I did the legwork and found the house we bought. It's so clear that this is completely beyond my control because the clinic is doing everything they can - we just need Hashem to take over and let nature do its thing.  We have a strong support system with so many people rooting for us to succeed.  I don't want another failure. I want to share good news. Hoping and having high expectations are part of the package. It's the hope that gets crushed at the failure, but it's also the hope that fuels the ability to do this more than once. So I keep hoping and work on a positive attitude as we start this fresh cycle.


I really hope it works this time and we have a successful transfer, an uncomplicated pregnancy, and a healthy baby.  As I prepare for candle lighting tonight, I wonder if this time next year we might have an extra little candle.