Raw and emotional

Everything seems to be a trigger, like the mundane things people take for granted. The fb fall family photoshoots are a big trigger for me, to the point that I had to take a fb break.

I cry when I think of how great the numbers were and how suddenly and abruptly it ended. We couldn't do anything to save our baby.

It was lightly raining all day and at one point I noticed that the pre-school nearby took the kids out on a walk in their raincoats and rainboots. They were splashing in the puddles outside my office window and just being adorable enjoying themselves in the rain. It took all I had not to fall apart in a pool of tears right then and there.

I totally thought that the ERA was the silver bullet. When we got those results I thought we finally had an answer. Three FETs were gone but at least we had a solution - we learned that the transfer day was wrong and I thought it was the answer. It may have been the answer to one issue: implantation. We passed that phase because we got great numbers. It was keeping the pregnancy going that became the issue.

I've read online that people treat repeated miscarriages with meds like prednisone and lovonox. I don't know much about these meds other than the fact that it's an anti-inflammatory and a blood thinner. Is my body rejecting the embryo? Definitely something to ask the doc at the wtf appointment. I scheduled it for week after next when my husband has off and can come with me.

I started taking calls again. Earlier in the week when family or friends heard the news and called I let it go to voicemail. I just couldn't. I was ashamed and disappointed that I didn't have better news to chat about. But I appreciate the calls and it helps to talk to people, even if they do most of the talking because I can't through the silent sobs.

The stats talk about how there's an 85% chance of a live birth for every three transfers. We're at 0% for four transfers. It's all the more painful because we don't know WHY. We can't pinpoint a problem so we can't work to fix it.

I know He has a plan. I know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen in the right time. But it's hard to accept a plan that includes this much pain. It's difficult to hold on to hope when I feel like we're being punished, over and over. It gets so much harder after every loss.