Stalled

I've stalled on my diet plan. I wasn't as good watching my calories last week as I was the previous week, so while I didn't gain anything I also didn't lose anything. I guess that's also a win. So far I'm down 4 lbs of the 10 lbs I originally wanted to lose.

The truth is that while it's nice to lose the weight, I find that being strict on the diet helps me stay on track in other ways. One good choice leads to others which lead to a good healthy day. In contrast, I find that once I make a bad choice it's harder to switch back and make the other choices that day good. If I start the day out with ice cream for breakfast, there's a high probability that I won't work out that day and that I'll buy a high-calorie lunch or dinner.  But if I start the day by making my smoothie, I'll likely grab something light for lunch and make a healthy dinner, and make the effort to work out.

The biggest challenge is the prep. It's the thinking of menus and shopping for the ingredients and making sure the kitchen is well stocked with healthy options. It's an ongoing, exhausting process and as things get busier and busier at work I find less time and motivation to make it happen. This is why diets like Medifast are so popular and people stick to them even though the meals are disgusting. There is no thinking involved. There's also no enjoyment in any meals but at least there are quick results. I already decided that Medifast not for me so I have to make the effort doing it right, even if it takes more time and slower results. I know I want this to work and I'm powering through to prioritize good eating.

In other news, today I'm scheduled to take the fourth dose of del estrogen. It's been a while since my last FET and I didn't track much previously so I can't remember many of the details. For one thing, I'm seeing a lot of discharge that I don't remember from last time. Maybe it's new, maybe not. Another thing is that I had terrible memories of the intramuscular shots but in reality the del estrogen ones aren't so bad. It's still horrible to have to stick oneself with a huge needle in the thigh, but those shots are painless once it's over.  I was remembering the progesterone shots which go in the butt and are much more painful. The del estrogen is relatively pain free and is only administered every third day, so I kind of feel happy once it's done.

Later this week I go back for the halfway check to see if I'm ready for the PIO. Once that starts then transfer would be a few days later. Things are tentatively scheduled until the check up and bloodwork results come back from that appointment.  I scheduled a massage for the day before transfer. Transfers are usually scheduled in the afternoons (because the egg retrievals are always mornings) so I plan to go into work that morning and then leave for the appointment and take the rest of the day off, maybe the next day too.

We're still not in agreement about whether to tell people about a transfer. I want to keep it to ourselves. That's not accurate: the truth is that I just don't want to tell people who aren't going to care if it fails. Last time we told certain family members about a transfer and subsequent negative beta and I didn't get so much as a text or email of sympathy. I'm not asking for elaborate care packages or heartfelt handwritten notes (both of which are nice and always appreciated ;) but totally not necessary) but they didn't even call me or acknowledge the disappointment. I feel that there's no reason to give people like that private access to the ongoings of my uterus every step of the way. So while I would like to tell some people, I get that it's not fair for me to tell some people and for him not to, so I'm prepared to not tell anyone. There's still time to decide.