Waiting for results

Physical recovery is going ok. I've been able to do almost all regular activities, though I'm still very bloated and gassy. I have a 6-month belly, no joke. It's a little disturbing to see in the mirror. And ironic.

My abysmal eating habits this week are likely not helping at all. I've been advised to avoid dairy and eat a lot of green leafy veggies. F that. I'm moody and groggy and I prefer high-sugar carbs instead. I've been waking up exhausted, even though I have been falling asleep early and sleeping through the night. Every morning it's a struggle whether or not to go to work. In the end I always go in because staying at home would end up in flipping impatiently through Netflix while worrying about chores I could be doing instead of wasting time.

I don't remember it being this hard to get through the week in past cycles. Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe I'm getting tired of this shit. All things considered the procedure itself was easy and not any more complicated than previous cycles.

I asked my nurse to book my preferred FET date in the system but she can't put it in until I get my period. I'm not annoyed that we have to wait, but I am concerned that if we wait then it might get taken.

This weather has such an impact on my mood. For some reason when it's nice outside all I can think about is how lucky are those moms who can just take their baby out on a stroll on this beautiful day. Something they probably take completely for granted. When the weather gets like this I can feel myself getting frustrated that we're still no closer. It's such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to trigger my frustrated feelings.

I canceled lunch with a friend today because I just didn't feel like moving. It was hard enough to drag myself out of bed to get ready for work that I couldn't imagine having to also deal with leaving at some point to go out to meet someone in the middle of the day. I probably would have enjoyed it but at the time I made a game time decision.

I hid a few pictures from my fb feed today also. One was a family photo of the mom on the hospital bed with her newborn, her two toddlers, and her husband smiling with the caption "officially party of 5" or something similar. The other was a chubby baby girl with a bow in the grass enjoying the weather and showing off her new tooth in a cheesy grin. I just can't. I need space and time and to be away from that right now. I posted a comment congratulating both on their milestones then turned off notifications and hid the pictures.

I'm anxious about our embryos and am looking forward to the update tomorrow but also worried about it. They gave us an update on day 2 and all of them were still growing. They don't check on day 3 or 4 to give them time to develop. On day 5 they'll check in on them and biopsy the ones that made it to blast but will still give the others a chance to grow another day if it looks like they're still developing. Before they check we still have 7 embryos growing. After they check the news may not be that anymore and I'm scared to hear it. It's Schrodinger's cat scenario all over again. Regardless of what they're able to biopsy (hopefully many!!!) it's the PGD results in two weeks that make the biggest impact and decide the success or failure of this cycle.

These days my inclination is to ignore calls from the clinic. I have a hard time listening to the news in real time.  As though prolonging the time it takes for the news to reach me has any effect on the content whatsoever. I wait for them to leave a voicemail so that I can also replay the info if needed. I've changed my ringtone four times in the last year and I still get uneasy when I hear someone else's phone ring with those old tones. It immediately transports me to the anxious worrying. This cycle my phone was permanently on silent throughout the daytime.

My boss is being annoying, for some reason delaying a raise that was supposed to be in effect on 2/1. She's playing politics with the departments and I hate being stuck in the middle of it. I have a plan and if it comes down to it, I'll implement my plan. I'm not playing games and I'm in no mood for office politics.