IVF 7: Day 6

It's the sixth day of hormones and I'm starting to feel the emotional effects. Not so much physically yet. Already snoozed several accounts on fb because of their copious baby picture posts.

I had my dermatology appointment yesterday. I go every six months as a preventive measure. Of course she found something to slice off. It made her feel better and it was on my leg and I didn't care so off it went. It took about 10 seconds and I'll get results in a few days.

Yesterday a new coworker asked incredulously why I don't have a higher title or position. She was trying to understand the culture and it was asked innocently. I wasn't offended - I completely hear what she's saying. I'm not tooting my own horn but it is weird to be in my position considering my education and qualifications. But seeing it from her perspective was a startling reminder about what we're giving up in the attempts to build a family.

The first reason is because it's comfortable enough to afford flexibility for treatment. The second reason is that it's because I work at a non-profit and people don't leave; they stay for 40 years and then retire, so basically anyone young needs to wait for a retirement party or funeral before a position in management becomes available. The third reason is that my ambition is channeled all toward success in treatment and I just don't have the energy to fight for it every year at my review or put in the effort to look for a new place.

I know they're lame excuses. I know I'm not stuck and I know I can start looking for another job today. Why don't I? Because in the back of my mind I'm also hoping treatment will work and then I'll need the flexibility for the duration of pregnancy and then when having an infant at home. I've gone back and forth in my mind about it a hundred times over the past few years and I always come to the same conclusion: I have the rest of my life to build my career but there is a finite number of fertile years and we'll never regret giving treatment the best chance possible. If I coast along for a few years in a job that offers less stress and responsibility so that I can focus on trying to build a family, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It still stings though, especially when you realize it's obvious to the outside world.

But I can't tell all that to a new coworker. I came up with a plausible answer and left it at that. Every time I feel like I'm at peace with my choice something like this comes up and makes me second guess whether I'm making the right decision.