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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

IVF 7: Day 6

It's the sixth day of hormones and I'm starting to feel the emotional effects. Not so much physically yet. Already snoozed several accounts on fb because of their copious baby picture posts.

I had my dermatology appointment yesterday. I go every six months as a preventive measure. Of course she found something to slice off. It made her feel better and it was on my leg and I didn't care so off it went. It took about 10 seconds and I'll get results in a few days.

Yesterday a new coworker asked incredulously why I don't have a higher title or position. She was trying to understand the culture and it was asked innocently. I wasn't offended - I completely hear what she's saying. I'm not tooting my own horn but it is weird to be in my position considering my education and qualifications. But seeing it from her perspective was a startling reminder about what we're giving up in the attempts to build a family.

The first reason is because it's comfortable enough to afford flexibility for treatment. The second reason is that it's because I work at a non-profit and people don't leave; they stay for 40 years and then retire, so basically anyone young needs to wait for a retirement party or funeral before a position in management becomes available. The third reason is that my ambition is channeled all toward success in treatment and I just don't have the energy to fight for it every year at my review or put in the effort to look for a new place.

I know they're lame excuses. I know I'm not stuck and I know I can start looking for another job today. Why don't I? Because in the back of my mind I'm also hoping treatment will work and then I'll need the flexibility for the duration of pregnancy and then when having an infant at home. I've gone back and forth in my mind about it a hundred times over the past few years and I always come to the same conclusion: I have the rest of my life to build my career but there is a finite number of fertile years and we'll never regret giving treatment the best chance possible. If I coast along for a few years in a job that offers less stress and responsibility so that I can focus on trying to build a family, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It still stings though, especially when you realize it's obvious to the outside world.

But I can't tell all that to a new coworker. I came up with a plausible answer and left it at that. Every time I feel like I'm at peace with my choice something like this comes up and makes me second guess whether I'm making the right decision.


4 comments:

  1. Yeah I totally understand what you are saying about your career and the choices one makes when going through infertility. It is worth the sacrifices to know you are giving this your best shot.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I made the same compromises when we were doing treatments and “trying.” No matter how confident you are in your choices, it does kind of suck to admit that you aren’t doing as much career wise as you could be. It was always part of my identity to work hard and be the best (that I could be, anyway; I’m not super competitive). To realize I’m just not that ambitious or that I have other priorities still feels somehow embarrassing. I see other people doing it all and I wonder if I’ll ever be that motivated again. But as you say you need to focus on what is important and remember how much it matters. Also, the conflict doesn’t go away when you become a parent, I’m afraid. But everything you are going through now will make you a better parent: I believe that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's smart of you to snooze FB!

    The compromises are such a hard line to walk. I don't know if you've read Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In - there's a bunch I disagree with but a few pieces of advice resonated with me. Namely she was talking about how women step back before they should just to account for future possibilities. Basically her advice is don't lean out until you *need* to lean out (ie, have a family). *But* (and there are so many "but"'s)... all that goes out the window for infertility. You have to compromise somewhere or else you go crazy. Yes, there aren't kids on the scene but so much of the treatment is regimented that you have to account for that. And it looks like a suboptimal compromise for anyone without knowledge of the situation. And you have to make so many sacrifices during treatment cycles but it's all invisible.
    Anyways, this is all a long-winded way of saying it's hard. And I'm glad you've found a solution which works for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes! I love Sheryl Sandberg's books - I wrote a post about it back here http://jewishivf.blogspot.com/2016/01/leaning-in.html I completely agree that infertility throws a monkey wrench in any "canned advice" about careers. Did you have a chance to read her second book, Plan B? In it she discusses how some of her ideas in the first book are just so unrealistic and a lot of things that never occurred to her before her husband passed away.

    In theory I agree with the concept of not "leaning out" until necessary. In reality it just doesn't work that way. I'm still working on a healthy balance of not giving everything up, but where there's a hard choice and a priority that needs to be designated right now treatment ranks higher.

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