First of the season

It's been a long week. I wake up in the mornings feeling hung over and groggy and puffy. Morning nausea lasts until lunch time and if I eat a solid lunch then it simmers down to manageable levels. I've been uncomfortably gassy and running to the bathroom constantly with a lot of TMI. There's a special gross-factor about taking pills with water on an empty stomach, while nauseous, and knowing the pills will make them worse. But sometimes happens when I'm running late in the mornings.

All that pales to the anxiety. Today that boiled over. I was running errands, getting stuff ready for Shabbat and for my mom for Mother's day. I thought I should drink more water but figured I'd get to it as soon as I got home. I later had some cramps that were.... different. Then I went to the bathroom and found discharge that was... different. I freaked out. I started contemplating whether this is the beginning of the end. At some point the tears started and I just couldn't stop. I decided to take a shower to try to calm down.  Things took a turn when I decided to brush my teeth to get rid of the gross taste in my mouth. Between the tears, runny nose, and sobs I gagged on the toothpaste and then threw up. Luckily it was mainly water but the whole thing just upset me more. First barf of the season.

My husband heard and came over. He helped me clean up and did what he could to try to settle me down. It wasn't until I thoughtfully and purposefully made up my mind that everything is from Him and that there's nothing I can do either way, that I started to calm down. 

I had more thoughts but it's almost Shabbat. It's just insane to realize that infertility trauma is for life. It never goes away and there's no time you feel you can breathe easy. Every day is a miracle; every day we get closer is just one rung higher to fall if it all goes sideways.  Praying and hoping that doesn't happen. 

Shabbat shalom.